Let it all Wash Away

Something that occured to me last night was the importance of taking a shower. Now I know you're saying ' Duh, you use a shower to get clean that way you don't smell'. But I see a shower as having a bigger importance than just getting your body clean. Not only does it wash away the physicla dirt, but it also washes away the metaphorical dirt that clogs your spirit every day. The hurt feelings, the frustration about a certain issue, the place where you can think and no one is going to bother you. The shower is a sanctuary in a sense. A private place where you can be vulnerable with God and yourself. You can cry and let all the tension out. The shower head pounds out warm water that just washes it all away. You get out feeling clean, inside and out, and ready to face whatever is ahead of you. So go ahead and take as long as you want in the shower. It is refreshing in more ways than one if you let it be.

Christmas

It's funny, but it doesn't feel like Christmas to me unless there are decorations up. At my house we usually don't get the tree decorated until a couple days before Christmas. One year I think we decorated the tree Christmas Eve. This year is no different. We have the tree sitting in our dining room, undecorated and still in the wrapping we bought it in. It's hard to coordinate 8 schedules so that everyone can help decorate the tree. Why is it that the decorations make it seem more like a holiday? I have no idea. At school I have had my Christmas decorations up for a long time, and it felt like Christmas. Thank goodness Christmas isn't dependent upon decorations and a feeling, but celebrating Jesus' birthday. Interestingly enough though, Jesus wasn't born in December. He was born sometime in March. Christmas was established by the Roman Catholic Church to counteract the Winter Solstice (a holiday that deals in evil). Just an interesting fact. Merry Christmas everyone!

Vows

It's such an easy thing to do - make vows. They're usually said in the moment, when you're not thinking too clearly. They're things you don't even remember saying, but affect you for the rest of your life unless repented for. Never is such a strong word. It can be argued that it causes the most harm to a person. 'I will never be like my mother or father' is one that is often said. And yet, the one thing that we vow we will never be, we always end up being. It's funny how vows work that way. Not funny as in hahaha, but ironic funny. I didn't think I had an vows in my life when I first heard of them. I figured a vow would be something you would remember. In reality, I had made many. God has revealed them to me and I have repented of them. Repetance is only the beginning though. I vowed I wouldn't share my heart with my parents, among other things, when I was a child. Once I repented for it I figured everything was good. Nope. This past week I've had to be open with my parents about my heart. Becasue I had made it a habit to hide my heart, it was very hard to be honest with them about what has happened. Not only had I been hurting myself by hiding things from them, but I was hurting my Mom. It crushed her that I didn't feel like I could talk to her about what goes on in my heart. I saw the tough exterior my Mom puts up melt away and the realness of her hurt come through. I always thought that my Mom didn't want to talk about the things that go on in my heart, but I was wrong. She really does care and she wants to be there to help me. So the moral of the story - think twice before using 'never'. You may be making vows without realizing it.

Person

Every time I see you
My heart just beats harder.
I'm fine if I don't see you,
If I don't talk to you.
Seeing you,
Is really hard.
When I look at your face,
I can see how your feeling.
I can't seem to let you go.
Why?

The Wall

Moving forward,

Going strong,
Changing for the better.

Stepping out side the wall
And letting my guard down.

Slowly but surely

Letting the emotions come.

Hurt, sadness, brokeness.

I thought it was going well,

But for some reason it's stopped.

There's something in front of me.

I can't see it,

But I know it's there.

Can I go around it,

Over it,

Break through it?

Yes, but I don't know how.

The emotion has stopped.

I feel like a rock,

Hard and emotionless.

Stuck in front of,

This wall.

Denying, Crying, and Vulnerability

Denying doesn't get you anywhere or solve the problem. I've noticed that I use denial as a defense mechanism when there are situations that I don't want to deal with. Situations that involve the heart. Whether it has to do with a relationship, a trial, or news that's hard hear; anything that might hurt my heart. I figure that if I deny and place the blame on someone else, the problem will just disappear. Not so, at all. Instead I just end up hurting myself even more. The hurt just keeps building up until it eventually is too big of a burden that I can't hold it anymore. I didn't realize until recently that I do this. I block out the feelings of hurt and my heart becomes hard. My attitude, and daresay my words, become harsh. It's a subconscious habit that hasn't been dealt with. Not any more. I can hurt without wallowing in self pity, which is how I've seen hurt dealt with my whole life. It will be hard, but I can do it with God by my side. So I'm starting now, and letting you know that I still hurt.

Sometimes I feel like it's silly that I still hurt. I should be tough right? and be able to push through this easily? Crying about it is silly and weak, right? Nope. It's interesting what ideas you pick up in your childhood based on what happens or things/actions that people say/do. Even though it's not outrightly said, I still got that message - suck it up, crying is for babies, I've hurt more than you so you shouldn't feel that bad. One thing that was told to me a lot was 'Stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about'. After awhile it becomes easier to deny the feelings that you have and hide it from everyone. Act like it's ok and no one, not even yourself, will know. If you show that 'weakness' it makes you vulnerable, and you can be hurt so much more when you're vulnerable than when the defenses are up.

It's true that I share quite a bit of stuff with people. I'm open, it seems, about everything. But in reality, I'm actually closed off to people. I don't let people into my heart because I run the risk of getting it stomped on. Unless I know how the person will respond to what I have to say about what's on my heart, I won't say anything. Sometimes I will not voice my heart because I know how someone will respond. Yeah, I'll share lessons I've learned throughout my life and things that have happened, but very rarely do I share the depths of my heart. It saddened me almost to realize this. I've always been told that I'm an outgoing person and that I share everything with people. In truth, I share only what know cannot be shot back at me to hurt me, because there have been times where I have shared something from my heart and it has been shot back at me and it has hurt. So what do I learn from this - this issue goes so deep that only God can fix it. Already He's started to work in me; I'm telling you about this issue. It will be a long process, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

Romance?

God is power, authority, ever present help in need, etc. But the one part of God that I can't seem to understand and maybe accept fully, is God the lover. It seems weird that God can romance us. Over the last couple days, or weeks, I've been contemplating how God could romance me. I've asked for it, but I can't tell whether He really is or not. The other day it hit me, maybe I won't be able to tell when God is romancing me until there is a man here on Earth who will show me what romancing is. All of the girls I know that have experienced God romancing them have had or are in a relationship with a guy. In some way they have been romanced by a physical male. I understand that God doesn't romance us the way a human would; He has His own way of romancing each of us, I just can't see what it is yet. He will romance me differently than when He romances my friends or sisters because each of our hearts are different. It just seems interesting that I haven't met someone yet who hasn't been in any relationship with a guy that is romanced by God. I don't know. Maybe I just need to open my eyes and see the things that make me happy is how God romances me. But I want so much more than just being 'happy'. I want to know without a doubt when God romances me that it is from Him specifically for me. I want it to be special, something secret between me and Him that no one else will be able to pick up on. All I need to do is keep asking Him to show me, because one day I will be able to tell when God is showing me a secret.

I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune,
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess
I'm not alright,
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through,
It leads me to you, leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.
Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside.
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you
I'm not alright,
That's why I need you.

School?

What is the point of taking classes that have absolutely nothing to do with what you want to do in life? I don't get it. We go to school to get an education so that we may go out into the world and get a job using the knowledge that we were supposed to learn while in school. We spend 6 years of our lives repeating the same material in elementary school. True, it becomes more in depth as you get older, but we are still repeating the same history, the same english, the same science, etc. Then comes high school. Why do you need to learn physics and calculus if you're not going to be and engineer or a scientist? Kids get away with so much during high school. Bad studying habits are formed and most kids can 'fake' papers and quizzes. For goodness sake's, kids are allowed open book tests. How do you fail an open book test?! Next comes college. You spend the first two years repeating everything you learned in high school. You know, all though gen. eds. It's usually not until you reach your junior year in college that you are able to take your major classes. I repeat - what is the point? People 100 years ago were able to function perfectly fine without going to college. Why is it so important to have that educational background? Most college students don't even know what they want to do with their lives. I'm not saying that's bad, it's just that we spend thousand and thousands of dollars on college to then change our minds and not even use the degree that we just got. Or we want to use the degree that we just got, and are unable to find a job in that area because companies like to hire people who know a lot about what they're doing. Most college students haven't had very much experience in the career that they want. Instead of having us sit in a class for hours on end, why not teach us how with hands on experience how to work in the career that we want? We would stay awake in class a lot easier, for sure. Anyway, just thought I would ramble on and on about how frustrating school is.

The True Prince

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. When she was young, her parents placed her in a tower to await the day when her prince would come and rescue her. In order to determine if the prince was a true prince, her parents put a terrifying beast in front of the tower. The beast guarded the tower day and night, scaring away all the princes and knights that came to rescue the princess. None were strong enough or brave enough to take on the beast. Many came and many failed. Some turned and ran as soon as they saw they would have to fight for the princess. The years went by and the princess became discouraged. When would her true prince come? Far away, the fiercest of knights heard of the princess in the tower. He was known for being the best jouster for miles around. He took his horse and his squire and set off for the princess’s tower. Throughout his journey, the knight faced many obstacles. Each time, his squire was there to help him through each trial. After many days and nights the knight and squire reached the forest near the princess’s tower. Seeing the beast, the knight became afraid. Fearing for his life, he sent his squire ahead to watch the beast and see if it had any weaknesses. The squire went, for he was just as intrigued by the princess as the knight. A whole day and night the squire watched the beast. He discovered the beast had a weak spot. Having found this out, the squire returned to the knight with this news. Hearing how difficult it would be to kill the beast, the knight made a plan to destroy the animal a different way. Thinking he had a great way to get around the danger of being killed, the knight set out the next morning. Upon meeting the beast, the knight tried his “brilliant” plan and was quickly knocked down. The squire ran to the rescue of his master. Grabbing the sword the beast had flung aside, the squire ran to finish the battle. Realizing he had a new opponent, the beast left the knight and came towards the squire. The battle began again. The beast tried tactic after tactic to inflict fear into the squire so he would give up, but the squire would not back down. He came at the beast time after time trying to get the weak spot on the beast’s inner thigh. The battle raged, and the princess began to fear that the squire would fail as all the others had. With strength and courage the squire kept coming at the beast waiting for the right moment when he could deliver the fatal blow. Finally that moment came. With a yell the squire ran right into the beast and drove his sword into it’s inner thigh. With a wail the beast went down. At last, the princess was free. The knight, who had run for cover, came out and took the sword from his squire waving it around victoriously. But the princess was not fooled. She had seen the battle and knew her true prince was the squire. She dismissed the knight and brought the squire to her parents. Humbly the squire came before the King and Queen, and asked for the hand of their daughter. The King and Queen were astonished that a lowly squire had defeated the beast, so they asked their daughter what she wanted to do. The princess replied, “He may not look like a prince, but his heart is 10 times greater than any prince or knight that has ever come so far. He is my true prince.” The two were married and lived happily ever after.

Plans

I love how God changes our plans for the better. Today is a good example of that. I was supossed to have lunch with one friend, but she forgot about our lunch date. Instead another one of my friends, who really needed to talk to someone, and I had lunch together and just talked about what was on her heart. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has a certain thought process, or I'm the only one that's been through a certain situation. But I'm reminded that I'm not the only one every time God uses me to help a friend who is going through that same thing that I already have, or who is following the same thought process that I have had. It is so rewarding to be able to help someone for God's glory.

"Second Chances" by Veggie Tales

You see God's a god of mercy, and God's a god of love.
And right now, He's gonna lend a helping hand from up above!
Praise the Lord!
He's the God of second chances!
You'll be floored how His love your life enhances!
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is a God of second chances!

Trials

God never gives us more than we can handle. But He sure does push it to the limit.

Lies

For years I’ve listened,
To the lies of Satan.
I’m fat.
I’m worthless.
I’ll never lose weight.
I will always be alone.
I’m a bother to others.
My sins are unforgivable.
No one will ever want me.
I’m not pretty and never will be.
I’m a doubter and always will be.
People don’t really want to hear about me.
I am ugly and look like a boy with short hair.
I won’t ever hear God talking to me/ guiding me.
God doesn’t care/ He doesn’t love me, how could He?
I have to accomplish things myself, because God will never do it.
But no more, I don’t want to believe the lies any longer.
God take these lies, and turn them around.
It’s time to start the healing.
You do guide me otherwise I wouldn’t be where I am in life.
I don’t need to take control, because You are in control.
People do want to hear about me and how I’m doing.
There is someone out there who will want me.
I won’t ever be alone, because You are here.
Who cares how short or long your hair is.
My sins are forgiven, and forgotten.
I can lose the weight.
I am pretty as I am.
I’m not a bother.
I’m worthy.
God, help me
To never believe the lies again.

Express Yourself

Here is an awesome site. It lets you 'paint' your own abstract picture. Try it out.
http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

My Fears

The Dark
The woods
Getting lost
Growing up
Crabs, sharks
Horror movies
Being rebellious
Being vulnerable
Having short hair
Being in a relationship
Ferocious wild animals
Messing my children up
Living in VT my whole life
That I will give up on God
My faith isn’t strong enough
Dying before I’ve been kissed
Being a doubter my whole life
Giving up Christianity for a guy
Being in debt the rest of my life
God not coming through for me
Spending the rest of my life alone
Failing in my relationship with God
Being eaten by a bear, lion, tiger, etc
Not knowing what is going to happen
That I won’t make a difference in the world
Never being free of the things I struggle with
That I won’t be able to travel and see the world
Not being loved by a guy/ never meeting Mr. Right
Becoming obese/ being unable to control my weight
The ocean and any body of water that I can’t see the bottom
Not being able to hold myself back physically in a relationship

Forbidden is More Alluring

What do you do with a forbidden love?
It looks so appealing and delicious.
Leaving it behind, would be leaving an opportunity.
What if no one else wants me?
He’s here now, and he’s willing to love me.
He’s so sweet and kind, and he makes me feel pretty.
Does this really have to be this way?
A forbidden love is so tempting.
He’s not a Christian, but he picked me.
Am I really willing to compromise my beliefs?
Yes, no, maybe, I don’t know.
I’m tired of waiting for the ‘right one’.
How much longer will it be?
I really want to take matters into my own hands,
But I know that would be wrong.
Am I the only one that feels like this?
Forbidden seems so much more alluring.
Be strong, hold fast, and the truth will set you free.

Love

It’s something I know in my head,
But my heart refuses to believe.
How could you love me,
After the countless times
I’ve rejected You, and left You behind
As I went and did my own thing?
I don’t understand, this love
You have for me.
My mind is unable to comprehend
A love that never ceases,
No matter what I do.
I don’t ‘feel’ it.
There must be something wrong with me.
Others are always telling me
Of the love You have for them.
‘Let Him love on you’.
That’s what they say,
But I don’t understand how to do that.
How can I let You love on me,
When I don’t love myself?

My Testimony

My parents became Christians when I was around 2, so I grew up in a Christian home. But I did not become a Christian until I was older. I don’t remember saying “the prayer” when I was younger, but I always told people I had. Unfortunately my life did not follow a Christian walk. I didn’t really understand what being a Christian meant. I thought that if I said I knew God and believed that He existed then I would go to heaven. Between the ages of 6 and 12 I developed really hurtful habits because I was being verbally hurt by others. I was physically and verbally abusing my younger siblings, I was blackmailing my sister into pretending to perform sexual acts with me, and I was a liar. On top of that, the thoughts that I had were all but Christian like. All of this I kept hidden from my parents. I made my siblings fear me so they wouldn’t tell our parents. To this day, I don’t think my parents know the extent of my abusiveness to them. At the end of summer in 2000, I was 12 at the time, a guest preacher at a camp I was attending challenged the campers with a question – “Can you honestly look at yourself and say you are a Christian”. My automatic thought was “yes”. After all, I did believe there was a God and I had thought up until that point that what I had been previously been doing was ok. God didn’t think so. A spirit of conviction came over me and I really started to question whether or not I was really a Christian. After several weeks, I decided I wasn’t and didn’t want to be. My parents were disappointed, but they supported my decision. I took the opportunity to enjoy being mean to my siblings, and so I increased the abuse quite a bit, but not enough that my parents would find out. It felt like my world was out of control and I had no way of stopping it. A huge hole developed in my life, and hard as I tried I couldn’t get it to go away on my own. I realized that when I had said I was a Christian, my world had felt under control. I didn’t take long for me to realize that I needed to truly become a Christian. So I did, for “fire insurance” (passage to heaven) more than anything. And I knew it would make my parents happy, but I had no real intention of really changing my pattern of behavior. God had other plans. I started being convicted of the different bad habits I had. Slowly God started changing me. I stopped the previous bad habits against my siblings, but I still struggled with a lot of stuff. There were a lot of barriers I had put up throughout my life so I wouldn’t get hurt and so my parents wouldn’t find out who I really was. I was wearing a mask. When I was 17, I broke away from my family and attended a different church. It was there that I decided I wanted a relationship with God and not just “fire insurance”. I committed my life to God, to have a relationship with Him, and to try as hard as I could to live my life in a way that would please and glorify Him.

Remember that Bad Days are for Our Good

"God is looking for living sacrifices.He's still in charge when we find ourselves in miserable situations - suffering, tempted, or worse. He will keep us there as long as He sees fit because unless we truly learn to submit our hearts and minds to God's will, we'll never grow up to become fully devoted believers."

"Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on.

It's time to fix what's been broken too long.

It's time to make right, what has been wronged.

It's time to find my way to where I belong.

There's a wave that's crashing over me,

And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever You're doing inside of me.

It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.

And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,

But I'm giving into something heavenly.

Time for a milestone.

Time to begin again.

Revaluate who I really am.

Am i doing everything to follow your will?

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

So show me what it is you want from me.

I give everything.

I surrender.

To whatever you're doing inside of me.

It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.

And though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see

I'm giving into something heavenly,

Something heavenly.

Time to face up.

Clean this old house.

Time to breathe in and let everything out.

What I wanted to say for so many years.

Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever You're doing inside of me.

It feels like chaos, but I believe.

You're up to something bigger than me,

Larger than life,

Something heavenly.

Whatever You're doing inside of me.

It feels lie chaos, but now I can see.

This is something bigger than me,

Larger than life.

Something heavenly, something heavenly

It's time to face up.

Clean this old house.

Time to breathe in and let everything out.

Pumpkin Season

School in Fall

Seeing Through Your Eyes

Every day we see the world through our own eyes.
It’s hard to imagine what someone else’s life is like.
We get so wrapped up in our own world,
That we forget there are other things going on around us.

This person lost their job,
That person just got a promotion,
A baby is born,
Someone dies.

Whether we like it or not,
Life keeps going.
Things keep changing,
And time does not stop for anyone.

There are only so many opportunities
We have to make a difference.
So what would it take, for me
To see life through your eyes?

Mirror Image

How is it – that when I see me,
I see an ugly monster?
The mirror holds no joy,
For my troubled heart.
Some say I am average,
But for some reason
I say, ‘I am fat’.
What does it take to be beautiful,
In a society,
Where beauty is unachievable?
Your complexion’s not right,
Your hair is all wrong,
Your clothes are disgusting,
Your weight is abominable –
The voices around me say.
After a while, I believe them.
When will my mirror image,
Be something I can enjoy?

Patience

How long will I have to wait,
For the guy my heart desires?

Patience

Will it be next week,
Or several years down the line?

Patience

I don’t think I can wait.
My heart cries out to be loved by another.

Patience

Is it so wrong,
To want this love?

Patience

I want him to call me ‘beautiful’,
But it seems like it’ll never happen.

Patience

You keep saying that,
But this doesn’t hurt any less.

Patience

Slowly the pain ebbs away.
Day after day goes by.

Patience

What am I to do,
While I wait?

Patience