Sunday, December 28, 2008

Let it all Wash Away

Something that occured to me last night was the importance of taking a shower. Now I know you're saying ' Duh, you use a shower to get clean that way you don't smell'. But I see a shower as having a bigger importance than just getting your body clean. Not only does it wash away the physicla dirt, but it also washes away the metaphorical dirt that clogs your spirit every day. The hurt feelings, the frustration about a certain issue, the place where you can think and no one is going to bother you. The shower is a sanctuary in a sense. A private place where you can be vulnerable with God and yourself. You can cry and let all the tension out. The shower head pounds out warm water that just washes it all away. You get out feeling clean, inside and out, and ready to face whatever is ahead of you. So go ahead and take as long as you want in the shower. It is refreshing in more ways than one if you let it be.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


It's funny, but it doesn't feel like Christmas to me unless there are decorations up. At my house we usually don't get the tree decorated until a couple days before Christmas. One year I think we decorated the tree Christmas Eve. This year is no different. We have the tree sitting in our dining room, undecorated and still in the wrapping we bought it in. It's hard to coordinate 8 schedules so that everyone can help decorate the tree. Why is it that the decorations make it seem more like a holiday? I have no idea. At school I have had my Christmas decorations up for a long time, and it felt like Christmas. Thank goodness Christmas isn't dependent upon decorations and a feeling, but celebrating Jesus' birthday. Interestingly enough though, Jesus wasn't born in December. He was born sometime in March. Christmas was established by the Roman Catholic Church to counteract the Winter Solstice (a holiday that deals in evil). Just an interesting fact. Merry Christmas everyone!


It's such an easy thing to do - make vows. They're usually said in the moment, when you're not thinking too clearly. They're things you don't even remember saying, but affect you for the rest of your life unless repented for. Never is such a strong word. It can be argued that it causes the most harm to a person. 'I will never be like my mother or father' is one that is often said. And yet, the one thing that we vow we will never be, we always end up being. It's funny how vows work that way. Not funny as in hahaha, but ironic funny. I didn't think I had an vows in my life when I first heard of them. I figured a vow would be something you would remember. In reality, I had made many. God has revealed them to me and I have repented of them. Repetance is only the beginning though. I vowed I wouldn't share my heart with my parents, among other things, when I was a child. Once I repented for it I figured everything was good. Nope. This past week I've had to be open with my parents about my heart. Becasue I had made it a habit to hide my heart, it was very hard to be honest with them about what has happened. Not only had I been hurting myself by hiding things from them, but I was hurting my Mom. It crushed her that I didn't feel like I could talk to her about what goes on in my heart. I saw the tough exterior my Mom puts up melt away and the realness of her hurt come through. I always thought that my Mom didn't want to talk about the things that go on in my heart, but I was wrong. She really does care and she wants to be there to help me. So the moral of the story - think twice before using 'never'. You may be making vows without realizing it.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Every time I see you
My heart just beats harder.
I'm fine if I don't see you,
If I don't talk to you.
Seeing you,
Is really hard.
When I look at your face,
I can see how your feeling.
I can't seem to let you go.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Wall

Moving forward,
Going strong,
Changing for the better.
Stepping out side the wall
And letting my guard down.
Slowly but surely
Letting the emotions come.
Hurt, sadness, brokeness.
I thought it was going well,
But for some reason it's stopped.
There's something in front of me.
I can't see it,
But I know it's there.
Can I go around it,
Over it,
Break through it?
Yes, but I don't know how.
The emotion has stopped.
I feel like a rock,
Hard and emotionless.
Stuck in front of,
This wall.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Denying, Crying, and Vulnerability

Denying doesn't get you anywhere or solve the problem. I've noticed that I use denial as a defense mechanism when there are situations that I don't want to deal with. Situations that involve the heart. Whether it has to do with a relationship, a trial, or news that's hard hear; anything that might hurt my heart. I figure that if I deny and place the blame on someone else, the problem will just disappear. Not so, at all. Instead I just end up hurting myself even more. The hurt just keeps building up until it eventually is too big of a burden that I can't hold it anymore. I didn't realize until recently that I do this. I block out the feelings of hurt and my heart becomes hard. My attitude, and daresay my words, become harsh. It's a subconscious habit that hasn't been dealt with. Not any more. I can hurt without wallowing in self pity, which is how I've seen hurt dealt with my whole life. It will be hard, but I can do it with God by my side. So I'm starting now, and letting you know that I still hurt.

Sometimes I feel like it's silly that I still hurt. I should be tough right? and be able to push through this easily? Crying about it is silly and weak, right? Nope. It's interesting what ideas you pick up in your childhood based on what happens or things/actions that people say/do. Even though it's not outrightly said, I still got that message - suck it up, crying is for babies, I've hurt more than you so you shouldn't feel that bad. One thing that was told to me a lot was 'Stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about'. After awhile it becomes easier to deny the feelings that you have and hide it from everyone. Act like it's ok and no one, not even yourself, will know. If you show that 'weakness' it makes you vulnerable, and you can be hurt so much more when you're vulnerable than when the defenses are up.

It's true that I share quite a bit of stuff with people. I'm open, it seems, about everything. But in reality, I'm actually closed off to people. I don't let people into my heart because I run the risk of getting it stomped on. Unless I know how the person will respond to what I have to say about what's on my heart, I won't say anything. Sometimes I will not voice my heart because I know how someone will respond. Yeah, I'll share lessons I've learned throughout my life and things that have happened, but very rarely do I share the depths of my heart. It saddened me almost to realize this. I've always been told that I'm an outgoing person and that I share everything with people. In truth, I share only what know cannot be shot back at me to hurt me, because there have been times where I have shared something from my heart and it has been shot back at me and it has hurt. So what do I learn from this - this issue goes so deep that only God can fix it. Already He's started to work in me; I'm telling you about this issue. It will be a long process, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".


God is power, authority, ever present help in need, etc. But the one part of God that I can't seem to understand and maybe accept fully, is God the lover. It seems weird that God can romance us. Over the last couple days, or weeks, I've been contemplating how God could romance me. I've asked for it, but I can't tell whether He really is or not. The other day it hit me, maybe I won't be able to tell when God is romancing me until there is a man here on Earth who will show me what romancing is. All of the girls I know that have experienced God romancing them have had or are in a relationship with a guy. In some way they have been romanced by a physical male. I understand that God doesn't romance us the way a human would; He has His own way of romancing each of us, I just can't see what it is yet. He will romance me differently than when He romances my friends or sisters because each of our hearts are different. It just seems interesting that I haven't met someone yet who hasn't been in any relationship with a guy that is romanced by God. I don't know. Maybe I just need to open my eyes and see the things that make me happy is how God romances me. But I want so much more than just being 'happy'. I want to know without a doubt when God romances me that it is from Him specifically for me. I want it to be special, something secret between me and Him that no one else will be able to pick up on. All I need to do is keep asking Him to show me, because one day I will be able to tell when God is showing me a secret.