Wanting

When is my heart going to stop hurting every time I go to a wedding shower, wedding, baby shower, etc.? The older I get and stay single, the more left out I feel in life. I love going to showers and weddings; they make my heart excited for what's to come for the unions being celebrated or the blessings coming. Then everyone leaves, daily life returns, and the lack shows up more than before. It only lasts for a couple days afterward...a lot less than it used to...but it still hurts. Sometimes I wonder if the women who can't have children feel the same hurt all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm alone in feeling this way. This weekend there was a wedding and a baby shower...a double whammy. More friends are in relationships or having kids. There were at least 5 babies at the shower today!

I am not content being in this stage of life. I have several friends who would be perfectly happy being celibate their entire lives. I don't understand that, and I'm sure they don't understand my perspective. A lot of people use the word content with single. "You have to be content being single before God will give you a spouse" is the most heard phrase. For so long I have said I am content, content in waiting, content in being single. But I'm not. I have finally found the word that fits how I feel.

Tolerant.

I try my best to enjoy life as it is now, to live it to the fullest. I try not to dwell on how most of the people I know are living life with a spouse and kids and I'm not. I try to be joyful about where God has me. It must be for a reason...I just don't know it. I try to be content about being single, but I come up always being tolerant. And ya know what? I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

Online Dating?

So I have a confession...it isn't really anything huge, but it kind of is. Quite a few posts on this blog are about my frustrations with singleness and how much of a struggle it is for me. For many many years I always said I wouldn't do online dating. Something about it rubbed me wrong. I don't know why. I didn't care if others did it, but somehow I thought it would mean I wasn't trusting God to work His will. Well in a moment of spontaneity near the first of the year I signed up for an online dating site. Not only that, but I paid for six months of membership. I know right? This is craziness!

A couple friends have been saying I should do this for months, but I always shrugged it off. I'm a traditionalist when it comes to how a guy and girl should come together. I've loved the stories where they meet in the grocery store or the bank or some weird generic place. A place where he initiates the conversation with a possibly lame pick up line to start the conversation. Sappy and romantic right? And totally not equal with reality. Yes that happens to some people, but for the majority of the population I feel like it doesn't. I could be wrong about this though seeing as how I haven't been privy to every situation where a girl meets a guy.

See the only thing I've thought to base my perfect love story off of is movies and TV shows, and we all know that those are never based on reality. Instead I should base it off of God's Word. Last week my pastor had a great sermon about being single and how to prepare yourself for marriage. He used the story of Issac and Rebekkah as an example. It was nice, and a little painful, to be reminded of some things that I forget about in moments of frustration.

Maybe it was a moment of clarity from God instead of spontaneity that caused me to do it, I don't know. I could be totally off my rocker with that theory. Whatever the reason, I know I never would have done it otherwise. Sometimes I get really scared and think I should just forget it and never look at the site again. What if no one wants to get to know me? I'm not really the kind of girl that's going to contact a whole bunch of guys seeking someone out. I still want a guy to initiate the relationship. Well, I guess only time will tell what this will bring.

Nicholas Summersell

For some reason this morning his name came to mind. I'm not sure why, but it did.

I haven't seen this kid in 17 years. He was a boy in third grade who had a major crush on me. We never hung out outside of school, but for some reason he was infatuated with me for the half of third grade when I was still attending public school and a good part of second grade (which I found out during third grade). He gave me this heart necklace that year. Cute but quite inappropriate if you think about it. Later on (not sure of the timeline), with all the love a third grader can muster, he asked me to marry him right before we went sledding down the hill at gym. Even at 7 there were multiple things I understood that right now surprise me. I remember thinking about how I needed to answer carefully because I didn't want him to feel rejected. Sure I liked to kid, but not apparently the same way he liked me. I understood what rejection was at 7. Craziness. I also remember thinking that there was no way I could marry him because he didn't love Jesus. No I didn't have a personal relationship with God at that point in time, but I did believe in God and  I was a product of someone whose parents went to church. My understanding was that it was bad to marry someone who didn't love God if you believed in Him...under no circumstances. So I took the easy way out at told Nick that he needed to ask me when we got older knowing full well I wasn't going to see him again after Christmas. However, deep down I wanted to say yes.

Unsure how to handle the situation further I did what any kid would, I went to an adult for help. Unfortunately the only one available was my male gym teacher who thought it would be funny to tell the whole class about what went down. *Sigh. That was kind of embarrassing.

Anyway, all of this remembering at how I processed things surprised me. I was only 7 for cryin out loud and yet I knew about, and remember clearly understanding, rejection as well as standards for marriage. Come one now, I knew I didn't want to marry anyone who didn't love God at 7. This seems so weird to me. What kind of 7 yr old thinks about this stuff? Me apparently

Disney Complex

I've heard of this several times throughout my life. The sadness of how little girls are affected by Disney princess movies their entire lives. I have never considered myself to have the Disney complex...that is til yesterday. Sadly enough I have now come to realize through the detailed explanation from the head youth leader that I am one of those girls that has the Disney complex. It was a little devastating and shameful when the realization came out. I have always thought myself above this interesting dilemma of young girls, and yet the evidence of the affects throughout my childhood are very clear. As Chad so brutally explained, many girls end up believing they need a man and that obtaining a relationship with one will make all our problems go away; once Prince Charming comes around the world will be perfect. *sigh. Yes for many years I did believe this to be true. Many times I would tell myself "If only I had a boyfriend". I wasn't really taught that Jesus is the Prince and the only one I need. Good thing He got a hold of me. Thankfully I do not think that to be true anymore and although the thought still comes up occasionally, now I aware of it and can nip it in the bud. However, I will always enjoy the prospect of being swept off my feet by a prince of the Godly kind ;-)

Old or New Law?

We've all heard of the greatest commandments right? If you haven't here it is:

Mark 12:29-31 "Jesus answered him, "The first of all the commandments is: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.  And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." 

I feel a little silly for not knowing this earlier than today, but here is my confession. I did not know that these commandments came earlier in the Bible than in Matt, Mark, and Luke. I've only ever heard it read out of the new testament and described as the "new" commandments when Jesus came and died for all. Sadly I haven't ever read it on my own to see the truth behind this scripture. I'm sure pastors have said these commandments didn't originate from the New Testament, but I don't remember; that's a part I've omitted from memory. Well today during my quiet time I read such verses (but in Luke) about the greatest commandments. And low and behold I look down to the footnotes and see two verses that go along with the one that are located in the Old Testament. So I look them up to see what they are.

Leviticus 19:18 "You shall not take vengeance, now bear any grudge against the children of your people, BUT YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF: I am the Lord."

Deuteronomy 6:5 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength."

Who knew they were first in the Old Testament as part of the original law!? Right after the Ten Commandments were written, the Law was written by Moses and I think some others. Here it is, the greatest commandment (which it is called in the original law as well) spoken long before Jesus ever came into human form. Quite honestly it blows my mind that I didn't see this earlier. And then it makes me think: Did people forget that part of the Law and is that why Jesus brings it back up? Who knows? Only Him.

It's Proof...People Love You

Oh birthdays. The one day a year people tend to dread the older they get, and yet it's one of the days in a year that you feel truly loved by all those around you. I'm not old enough to dread turning another year older, yet...I hear it starts around the time you reach middle age. Lol! Sometimes I forget how many people I come into contact every day and have come into contact with in my life. Facebook is a great contributor to the act of somewhat keeping in contact with those that you meet. At least friending them and then posting on each others' walls at minimum once or twice a year, that day being a birthday. Your profile page that doesn't see much action suddenly blows up with all the birthday wishes from people. Some you haven't talked to in a long time, others' you talk to frequently. Not only do you get posts on your wall on Facebook, but your pastor singles you out at a class at church to wish you good tidings in front of everyone and family gets together to just celebrate you.  And if you can't celebrate with them in person they tape your face to your little sister's Dora the Explorer doll and then video tape singing happy birthday to you as though you were there, which is shortly thereafter posted to Facebook. Close friends call and text you just so they can say it in person. Electronic cards are sent while others are mailed to you. Sometimes you get to celebrate more than once because one day isn't enough to fit everyone in. It is your day where everyone says "we're glad you were born and we love you". A day where the focus can be on you for a little bit.

I must admit that going into this day, I was not looking forward to it. Life has been rough the past couple months. The process of stretching and growing one's faith is not easy, in fact it's a lot harder than I bargained for. Even though 23 is not really that old, I am reluctant to accept that another year of my life is starting. It seemed like just yesterday I was playing with Barbies and becoming a teenager. What happened? There were things I wanted to happen in life before I got to this point that haven't. Sometimes the disappointment of that is really strong and hard to be joyful about, and life gets overwhelming. As much as I'm still unsure about being 23, I am ending the day with such gratitude towards everyone that is in my life and a tremendous feeling of being loved. I am joyful that God has placed so many people in my path, so many people that care. Birthdays are it; they're proof...people really love you.

Jealous Love

God is a jealous lover. He gets angry when we give our hearts over to things that don't involve Him. He is a selfless God, but He is selfish about us. He wants us all to Himself and no one else.

Leviticus 20:26 - "And you shall be holy to Me, for I the Lord am holy, and have separated you from the peoples, that you should be Mine."

Jeremiah 18:1-11 - The word which came to Jeremiah from the Lord, saying: "Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause you to hear My words." Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?" says the Lord. "Look, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel! The instant I speak concerning a nation and concerning a kingdom, to pluck up, to pull down, and to destroy it, if that nation against whom I have spoken turns from its evil, I will relent of the disaster that I thought to bring upon it. And the instant I speak concerning a nation and concerning a kingdom, to build and to plant it, if it does evil in My sight so that it does not obey My voice, then I will relent concerning the good with which I said I would benefit it. "Now therefore, speak to the men of Judah and to the inhabitants of Jerusalem, saying, 'Thus says the Lord: "Behold, I am fashioning a disaster and devising a plan against you. Return now every one from his evil way, and make your ways and your doings good." ' 

Both times God is talking to Israel, His chosen people. He wants them to love Him and give themselves over completely to Him so badly. It amazes me the amount of love God has for that nation. Over and over again Israel denies and rejects God. Yet He still loves them with unabashed and deep passion. In verse 12 of Jeremiah 18, the Israelites say this, "And they said, "That is hopeless! So we will walk according to our own plans, and we will every one obey the dictates of his evil heart." If God still loves Israel so much after a statement like that, which He clearly does if you look at scripture, how can we entertain the thought that God can't love us after we mess up two or three times? Israel has messed up sooooo many times, more than can be counted, and she has given her heart away to many adulterers throughout the centuries. There is nothing we could possibly do that is worse than what Israel has already done. (No offense to Israel or anything) It took a lot for God to become angry with Israel. He's not going to ditch you simply because you messed up...again. God is a jealous God and His loves is more abundant and forgiving than we could ever imagine; slow to anger and quick to love, His anger lasts but a moment and His love a lifetime.

Happy Valentine's Day!

In the spirit of valentine's day and love and marriage I have a link to share that is applicable to those who are married, engaged, or even single peeps who one day would like to be married. Pastor Paul Peterson explores sex and the Bible in his four sermon series Bedroom Talks. He goes through the Song of Solomon and discusses God's opinion on sex and advice about being a good lover. Check it out in the podcast list under the media tab.

http://church180.tv

Our Connection to God

When I wrote the post Revelation I mentioned how I would post something about the rest of what was revealed to us that night about God and His love. Well, here it is.

God gives us relationships and experiences to help us understand His love and draw closer in intimacy to Him. Fathers are there to show us the fatherly side of God; brothers and sisters to show us the family side; best friends and friends in general to show us His comradeship with us; significant others (boyfriend/girlfriend) to show us the lover that He is; spouses to show us the bridegroom that He is and the way He loves the church as a whole and individually as a husband to it. God is like a huge water tank with millions of line/pipes coming out of it. We have one large pipe that connects us directly to Him when He becomes our Savior. As life with Him progresses, our experiences with relationships add lines from us to God. Until we have each relationship experience (in the way God intended them), we won't truly understand and be connected to God in that way. You won't truly know the lover Jesus is until you have a lover. We can theorize and understand the concept, but we won't truly understand and connect with Him that way until we have that godly relationship with a physical person. That is why God created marriage and families, so that we could understand Him more and be way more intimate with Him than if we were single our whole lives. So as we go through life, we not only gain lines toward God, but we help build lines for others. You may not be the person that connects someone's line to God, but you will be part of the process in getting their pipe to reach the water tank. We have control over how much outpouring of God we allow in our lives. There is a valve on our lines/pipes that only we can turn on. We can turn it off to keep God from our lives or we can open it just enough for a slow drip. Or we can have a continuous steady flow of God's living water in our lives all the time. You get to decide, He won't force you to want the water of life. Satan will try to stop the flow by putting objects in the lines or cutting off your lines somehow. When that happens, you need to locate where the problem is and remove it. It could be an act of sin, or trial that helps us to grow, in either thing we must overcome so that the water of life keeps flowing and overflowing.

The part about relationships really changed my thinking. Before,  always wanted...desired to be married out of fear of being alone. But now I desire to be married so that I can be closer to God and understand Him more. I want to know the true lover Jesus is.

Revelation

Last night my friend Heather and I were supposed to study chapter one of Revelations. I say "supposed to" because we only read as far as verse 9 and we only went in-depth as far as verse 5. Haha! God had other plans and we just went with it, and I am so glad we did. God totally showed up and revealed so much of Himself  and His desire to us. It all started at verse 1 with the word revelation.

In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, revelation means an act of revealing or communicating divine truth. In a Bible dictionary Heather had, its definition was laying bear, making naked. Jesus wants to reveal Himself to us; everything about Him; where He's going and what He's doing. He is not ashamed and has no flaws, so He stands before us completely naked revealing everything about Himself in character, desires, and just who He is.

Now what we discovered last night may have a lot of you thinking we're crazy and out of our minds. You may ask how can we believe such things, but I tell you it was ALL of the Lord. As we were talking and God was revealing things to us, we didn't know how we were coming to the conclusions we had and yet everything made sense. It was obvious God was there directing our thoughts and words and prayers; the room was intensely hot with His presence. So let me shock you for a sec - there is no plan.

What does that mean? It means there's no plan; no a,b,c,d to follow. Christians tend to stress that we need to follow the plan God has for us. In our minds a plan means you go from point a to point b and so on. We have this view that there's this twisty tiny path to walk on with no leeway on either side. But guess what? THERE IS NO PLAN!!!!! So many times God asks you what you want to do. Yes, there are times in life where He will tell you you need to do such-and-such. But for the majority of the time, He is not concerned about what you do. Heather described it well. Life is a playground with God. There are boundaries (His commandments and laws) that we need to stay within to protect us from harm, but there is an immense amount of space that we have the freedom to move around however we want. Each persons playground is different because our desires and needs are different. Don't think of a playground as a small park that you take kids to. No, think of it as an enormous field where God has placed every toy you could ever want. And HE JUST WANTS TO PLAY WITH YOU. If you want to go on the seesaw, go on the seesaw. If you want to slide, go on the slide. Swing if that's what you want to do. He just wants to be with you in everything. God is lovesick over you and just wants to be close to you.

We don't have a plan, but we do have a mission and a purpose.Our mission and purpose in life is to LOVE AND BE LOVED. The greatest commandment - "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength" - is the first part of our mission and purpose. Without His love we cannot love others. And the second greatest commandment - "Love your neighbor as yourself' - is the second part of our mission and purpose. All He wants us to do is love Him, grow closer to Him, glorify Him in everything, and receive the love He has for us. What freedom we have in this. Bloom where you are, play with Him, and enjoy His love.

Our humanly idea of what a plan is generates a fear of what happens when we step off the narrow path.Well since we no longer have to worry about the visual of a twisty narrow path, the fear of what happens when you step off the narrow lane changes as well. Psalm 89:14 says that the foundation of God's throne is righteousness and justice. We focus so much on the justice that we forget the righteousness. And here comes the second biggest revelation of the night - THE JUDGMENT IS NOT NOW! We are not supposed to pray for judgment until the Tribulation begins. There is no judgment now; God has no judgment for us now. Yes He does have anger, but He is slow to anger and it only lasts a moment before His love for us takes over. Anger is different than judgment, though. Right now is His righteousness and love, which will never end but doesn't include judgment yet. We have this view that if we stumble or take one step out of His boundaries that God will and does condemn and judge us. But God has no condemnation for us. We expect judgment and condemnation therefore we see it in everything. If you expect judgment, you will see judgment in everything and you will judge yourself. If you expect condemnation, you see condemnation in everything and condemn yourself. If you expect to be compared to others, you see everything as a comparison to you and you will compare yourself to everything. So it stands to reason that if you expect love, not only will you receive love abounding but you will see love in everything, you will give love to others, and you will love yourself. Brothers and sister I adjure you to have high expectations of love and mercy and grace from your Heavenly Father. In truth that's what He has for you, so expect it. Expect great things and do not let the fear of disappointment stand in your way.

God does not push us to come back to Him if we take a step out of His boundary. Instead, He is crying over us. He sees the harm we put ourselves into and because He loves us so much, He hates to see us hurt by the devil. So He reaches out His hand to us, yearning for us to come back to Him to love and safety. We  make the decision to stay with God or leave His safety. We decide how far our relationship with Him goes. He has ultimate power and can make us do anything He wants, but He doesn't. He wants us to chose to love Him and desire to be with Him and grow in Him. He loves us so much and if He forces us to love Him and be with Him, it's no longer true love; it's manipulation. God seeks to love, not manipulate. That's why we have free will. Walk in the freedom of Christ knowing your purpose and mission in life. Run after Him because He wants you!

There are so many other things that were revealed to us about God's love last night. So many incredible things. I would write it all down here, but this post is long. Ask God to reveal Himself to you and He will because I know He wants to be closer to you.

Being the Minority is a Little Awkward Sometimes

Today during my placement, we had an assembly to celebrate Black History Month at the end of the day. My kids had been practicing the black national anthem for a couple weeks and I was excited to see them perform. Being in a city school, I sometimes feel a little awkward being the minority amongst the students and staff. I don't have any judgments about them, but sometimes I wonder if there's a stereotype that I am judged off of from the older students and  parents. You can tell who really doesn't care that I'm white and who does. If I walk in the school and smile at one of the parents or staff members I see and they smile back or say hi, you know they could really care less what color I am. But then there are those who pretend like I'm not even there; that's always a little awkward. Anyway I'm getting away from my story. I am a little embarrassed to say that I did not know there was such a thing as a black national anthem until two weeks ago, so for all of you that don't know as well, there is. haha! It's a very nice song actually and it has a catchy tune. So when my kids went up and started singing their anthem, I started singing it softly with them from the audience like many of the other parents/teachers/students that were there watching. And then the realization came to me, I won't ever be able to sing that song with the same enthusiasm and passion as those parents were. Suddenly I felt really awkward being white. I felt like I didn't belong and couldn't relate to many of the others in the room. I wondered what the parents thought of me, a little white girl, singing their national anthem and I became conscious of how weird I might seem to them. The feeling of not deserving to share with them in their singing crossed my mind. Now, I don't treat others of different colors any different then I treat people who are the same color as me; at least I try. Given, I feel like I sometimes have to be very careful what I say around certain races so as not to offend anyone by making a comment that could be taken the wrong way, but I don't think of anyone differently because of their color. I don't know if I'm making sense or not, but it just felt awkward for me during the assembly simply because I was the minority and I couldn't share in the feelings of those around me in the same way. Well anyway, the kids sang wonderfully and I loved watching them.

On a side note, most of them have really warmed up to me and are not afraid to come for a hug. This really makes me happy cause they don't get a lot of positive physical touch from teachers, and I am more than happy to give them this show of love. Even some of the boys will come for a hug when I come into the classroom. I would say the only child that seems really unsure of me is the one white child. haha! Although my kids may need a little E.G.R. (Extra Grace Required - "credit to Holly Ritchie") I love them very dearly no matter how I may complain sometimes about the frustrating attitudes.

Huh?

I was sitting in class today, when one of the girls in my class started sharing a story about a nightmare she had last night; it was about the engagement ring she has been hoping to get. In her dream, her boyfriend had given her a small diamond ring (like the size of a stud earring) that she said had a red ring around the diamond. She laughed about it and then said, "but seriously, if he gives me that small a ring in real life, I will say no". I turned to her and said "really?!" She went on to explain that she was dead serious and that she wouldn't accept anything less than a 2 karat, princess cut, in a white gold band ring. This is not the first time I've heard a girl say this, but none of them, until now, have been so specific about what they will accept. What has happened to the world? Is love no longer important to get married, but the type of ring will decide whether you decide to marry someone? That is sickening to me.

Different Perspective

So I'm gonna do that really annoying thing where I take something secular and turn it into something Christian when it's not. I know there are Christians that hate it when other Christians do that, but I've been thinking about this for a while and it's something I need share.

Here is Taylor Swifts song "You Belong with Me"

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesnt like
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standin by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.

Can't you see that I'm the one who understand you?
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that
You belong with me
You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with me

Since being introduced to it by a friend, I've listened to it several times and I must admit that I love this song. While one day I was listening to it, a thought occured to me; this describes God. Call me crazy and stretching it a little, but it's true. The song is about a girl who isn't popular. Instead she's just an average girl. She knows everything about him and how to comfort him. But he wants the popular girl and the 'fun' even though there seems to be a lot of hardship that comes along with that. The girl isn't pushy. She just waits for the time when the guy will realize what she has to offer him. God is the same in many ways. He isn't the really flashy popular girl who causes all the heartache. He's the one who is always there to comfort us, the one who knows everything about us. All He wants is for us to realize that sin may be fun to have a relationship with, but she has a lot of problems and causes a lot of heartache. If only we would turn to Him and devote ourselves to loving Him, everything would work out and we would always be joyful. just as Taylor keeps trying to tell her neighbor she loves him, God keeps trying to let us know how much He loves us. But we keep going back to the popular girl, and we turn our eyes away from the signs that He is placing in the window. So yeah, those are some of my thoughts about this song.

Let Me be Your Wings, Let Me be Your Only Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg4w-q6GSW8

So I had this thought today as I was listening to this song on the way home. This is what God is saying to us. He wants us to let Him take us places we've never been before and trust wholeheartedly in Him no matter what. One particlar part of the song stands out in this aspect. As the Prince is flying Thumbelina around, he tells her he won't let her fall and then he lets her go. She starts falling but acts completely unafraid. She trusts that he won't let her fall and he will be there to catch her. And he does catch her and keep her from falling. God wants us to trust in Him the same way Thumbelina trusted the Prince. He's calling out to us asking us to "let Him be our wings" and all He wants is for us to say yes "you will be my wings" with utter devotion and trust. He will never let us fall.

Where's the Love?

Two women walk into the room to survey the scene. One is young and petite while the other is older, taller, and a little plump. A table lies upside down on the floor with chairs tipped over and papers scattered. The young woman is the mother but the elder, which is the grandma, clearly has more authority in their household. The girl can't be more than 25 and the grandmother no more than 45. The child who created the mess sits in a chair a little ways off crying as he waits for them to come. The mother stands back and lets her mother take charge. Once the grandmother questions the boy, he looks around nervously as if not knowing what to say. At first the conversation between them is pleasant. No threats are made and all seems pleasant. Maybe this family is different than the other single mothers who live in the city. "Remember how I said I would embarass you in front of your friends if I was called to the school again?", she tells the boy, "Well it's a good thing they're not here cause you have it coming to you." Apparently not so different after all. My heart raced and feared for this child as I watched the situation turn. I could sense that once the child left the school he was most likely going to 'get it and get it good'. I wanted to cry for him and just hug him; let him know that there was someone who really cares about him. But I couldn't. Yes, his actions were inappropriate and deserved discipline of some kind. But the kind I had a feeling he was going to get, was not the good kind. As the grandmother walks down the hall with the child at her side and the mother tagging along behind, threats and harsh words are started to be spoken to him telling him of his fate. And yet the teacher wonders why he has no respect for adults. She can't figure out what could be going on inside his head that would make him burst out in rage and flip a heavy table over. My diagnosis - a lack of unconditional love.