Monday, December 1, 2008

Denying, Crying, and Vulnerability

Denying doesn't get you anywhere or solve the problem. I've noticed that I use denial as a defense mechanism when there are situations that I don't want to deal with. Situations that involve the heart. Whether it has to do with a relationship, a trial, or news that's hard hear; anything that might hurt my heart. I figure that if I deny and place the blame on someone else, the problem will just disappear. Not so, at all. Instead I just end up hurting myself even more. The hurt just keeps building up until it eventually is too big of a burden that I can't hold it anymore. I didn't realize until recently that I do this. I block out the feelings of hurt and my heart becomes hard. My attitude, and daresay my words, become harsh. It's a subconscious habit that hasn't been dealt with. Not any more. I can hurt without wallowing in self pity, which is how I've seen hurt dealt with my whole life. It will be hard, but I can do it with God by my side. So I'm starting now, and letting you know that I still hurt.

Sometimes I feel like it's silly that I still hurt. I should be tough right? and be able to push through this easily? Crying about it is silly and weak, right? Nope. It's interesting what ideas you pick up in your childhood based on what happens or things/actions that people say/do. Even though it's not outrightly said, I still got that message - suck it up, crying is for babies, I've hurt more than you so you shouldn't feel that bad. One thing that was told to me a lot was 'Stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about'. After awhile it becomes easier to deny the feelings that you have and hide it from everyone. Act like it's ok and no one, not even yourself, will know. If you show that 'weakness' it makes you vulnerable, and you can be hurt so much more when you're vulnerable than when the defenses are up.

It's true that I share quite a bit of stuff with people. I'm open, it seems, about everything. But in reality, I'm actually closed off to people. I don't let people into my heart because I run the risk of getting it stomped on. Unless I know how the person will respond to what I have to say about what's on my heart, I won't say anything. Sometimes I will not voice my heart because I know how someone will respond. Yeah, I'll share lessons I've learned throughout my life and things that have happened, but very rarely do I share the depths of my heart. It saddened me almost to realize this. I've always been told that I'm an outgoing person and that I share everything with people. In truth, I share only what know cannot be shot back at me to hurt me, because there have been times where I have shared something from my heart and it has been shot back at me and it has hurt. So what do I learn from this - this issue goes so deep that only God can fix it. Already He's started to work in me; I'm telling you about this issue. It will be a long process, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

1 comment:

Above all else: Love said...

last night, when we all shared, I was so sad to hear you only say the few line you did....

You have such a heart and unbelievebly faithfulness. Please do not limit who you share it with.

Stop doubting.
I Love you.
& you have the power to change lives