All it Takes...

is a side glance and a whisper from a group of guys for my insecurity to go from a mouse to a monster. My mind starts going, wondering what flaw they are picking out and laughing about. Is it my personality? Is it something about my appearance? Did I say something really stupid and not know it? Are they making fun of my laugh?

I go from being confident in the task I am doing to completely insecure in a second. Something I am doing, or how I look, is causing side glances and whispers and quiet snickers. It's tormenting. I no longer feel comfortable in my body or actions. The worthlessness creeps in fast. I don't know how to stop it...the feeling of not belonging, the confusion of trying to figure out what must be wrong with me.

The voices inside take the opportunity to plague me. How do you stop the damage from happening when it only takes a second for it to be over? When you can't even see it coming? There's no warning...the arrow just pierces. 

Decisions = Division

A couple weeks ago I listened to a message about youth leadership. At one point the speaker said something that was intriguing. It was one of those things that you go 'hmmm' at, and then ponder it for a while. He said, "when you decide, you always divide...when you make decisions you will always divide people...you can't please everyone". When I first heard that I thought 'yeah that's good', but it wasn't until this past week that I truly understood what that meant and how much it applies to life in general and not just in leadership.

First a little back story. At my workplace, several employees have been in the process of trying to start a union for over a month. The last three weeks have been filled with mandatory meetings about why we should vote no and the supposed atrocities of collective bargaining. The emotional stress level of everyone has been pretty high. My co-worker has been one of the ring leaders in getting this thing going. I was in agreement with her about it for almost the entire time. The vote for whether we should have a union or not was yesterday. For the last three weeks at work, there has been such division amongst the employees. Relationships were being tested and people were picking sides. I hadn't really made a decision about which way I was going to vote until ten minutes before I did it, however I had been mainly on the side in favor of a union.

Two days before the election I got an incredible sinking feeling that going through with a union may not be the best choice for our center right now. The first thing I thought was 'how am I gonna tell ___ that I have changed my mind?". She was probably gonna be mad and/or disappointed. How would that effect our relationship? She has told me before how she is slow to trusting people who screw her over. I had given my word that I would vote yes. Not making a decision tortured me for days. I knew I didn't have to tell her, but I felt like that was being dishonest and an ungodly thing to do. And lying was out of the question, although contemplated.

I finally got up the courage before going and voting to talk it over with her. It was petrifying and the hardest thing to do. I hate disappointing people, and this was someone I work with 5 days a week for at least 6 hours every day. Would our working relationship be ruined? What kind of division would it bring? And that's when I got it. I understood how the principle being talked about in the message applies to everyday life.

Every decision we make creates a division because not everyone is going to agree with you. Decisions that I delayed making in my past started coming to mind and the divisions that they caused once decided. And the longer I waited to make those decisions, the greater the division was. Sometimes it was a division within myself. Letting go of a past thought process or stereotype or judgement. Let that sink in. Division can happen within you where you let go of something old. Wow...that is powerful. An added revelation, praise Jesus.

I could go into the healing that takes place when division occurs, but we'll save that for another time. Division isn't always bad, in fact a lot of times it's good. When I decided to tell my co-worker what I was honestly thinking it brought division because of a difference of opinion, but we are still able to have a relationship even though we disagreed on something. And there was a division inside me between the fear of stepping out and standing up and doing what's right.

Perseverance in Healing

I recently was involved in a major car accident...the first ever. (Although I have been in several fender benders, but nothing causing injury.) I was asleep in the backseat, laying down with the passenger seat belt behind the driver securing me in. Not the smartest choice in where to buckle myself in, but at least I was buckled in. The seat belt was wrapped around my ribcage, so when the driver inadvertently fell asleep and crashed head first into a ditch I was folded in half at my ribcage upon impact. The Lord was definitely protecting us though. Thankfully I don't remember anything, what I know is based off of what my bruises tell me and the story of others who saw what happened. The driver only received a scrapped knee that didn't need stitches and a brush burn from the seat belt with some bruising. I got a lot of bruising around my ribcage and chest area and some on my legs. There were no broken bones for punctured organs. Praise Jesus! The pain was pretty intense on my part. I couldn't sit up because it felt like my chest was exploding and my muscles wouldn't hold me. Everything was tingling, not in a good way, and it took sheer will power and a lot of slow moving to do anything in the ER. At one point I wondered if what I was feeling was equivalent to childbirth, just in a different area. If so, then I got that down for later. Haha! I also realized my pain tolerance was pretty good, and that I am capable of handling a lot of pain without medication. And since the paramedics wanted tests to go more quickly they didn't give me any pain killers til right before I was leaving, which was good cause I didn't want to be there any longer than they wanted me there. So in the heat of the moment I can handle the pain and work through it...

That's not really the case with the healing process. It has been difficult to wake up every morning and hurt. It has been frustrating that I can't lay down to sleep, I have to sit up. I haven't been able to go to work or drive. Being dependent on people is hard for me, and it's something I've had to do. I just want to be comfortable. The healing has been faster than what the doctors said it would be due to a lot of prayers from family and friends going before the Lord about it. But it's still taking time, as all healing does. I was hoping that I could go back to work on Mon; I had it all planned out. I was gonna push through the discomfort, not make a huge deal about how I was feeling, act like I can do more than I actually can, and be alright to work. My plan didn't really go as I wanted. The doctors want to make sure I am really ok and that I won't injure myself again by going back to work.

All of this got me thinking. This is similar to what happens when I am spiritually wounded. I can take the pain. I play it like things don't hurt as much as they do and I push through it to do what I need to do. Relying on my own will power to get through something is my go-to strategy. But when it comes time for the healing part I have very little patience, and I become frustrated with the process and time it takes. I want it to be quick and easy so that I can move on and continue life. But it's never easy and even though it may move faster some times than others, it's never fast enough. I have to rely fully on God in healing because I can't heal myself; the wound limits what I can do so I have to rely on someone else to do things for me. It is hard to rely on God. It's hard to wait for the healing to be complete so that the wound doesn't get reopened by my rushing. I know I'm not the only person that reacts this way to healing. Healing isn't easy for anyone. And if you say it is, then I'm calling you out on lying. If it's easy, then it's not true healing. It takes perseverance to go through the healing process.

In the New King James version, perseverance is used 8 times. The verse that is most associated with this word is Rom 5:3-5
              "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that
               tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character;
               and character, hope".
This is one of those verses that sometimes makes me want to throw the Bible and say "screw that". But that's beside the point. Seven out of the eight verses use one Greek word for perseverance, and the other verse a separate one. The first, which is used in the Romans verses just stated, comes from the word hupomone (hoop-om-on-ay') and means to have cheerful (or hopeful) endurance, constancy: enduring, patience, patient continuance (waiting). The second is proskarteresis (pros-kar-ter'-ay-sis) and means persistancy: perseverance.

Hmmm...it's interesting how God uses physical situations to teach me about spiritual things.

It's OK that I'm Me

In January I started volunteering at my churches youth group for a trial session in being a leader. It was awkward and hard to connect with the kids and I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. I felt like I didn't fit in with the other female leaders and I wasn't able to connect with any of the girls really. It was frustrating, point blank, and I couldn't figure out why. I felt under appreciated, left out of the loop, and unimportant. It was awful and I was ready to quit what I felt God was calling me to. I couldn't figure out why God would want me to work with youth (especially high school girls) if this was what I was going to feel like all the time.

And then it hit me only a couple weeks ago...I wasn't being me. I was constantly comparing myself to the other female youth leaders. Closely observing how they interacted with the kids and trying to copy be them. Without even realizing it I had the opinion that if I was exactly like Greta or Becca I would be liked more by the kids and the leaders. If I became what I thought they wanted me to be then I would feel better. But comparing myself with them hurt a lot because I am not them. I don't relate to the kids the same way they do. It's not that I don't know as much about God than they do - although they may know a little more than me having known God longer - it was about trying to please them instead of God. Somehow I got all mixed up about what I why I was actually there and I became trapped in this mind set that I needed to please the other leaders or else I was doing it wrong. The more I tried to please, the less the other leaders commented on things I was doing. They weren't doing it to try to be mean, in fact they probably didn't realize that they were even doing it. Looking at it now it was probably God trying to get me to please Him instead of others.

Well I have come to terms with it somewhat. I won't ever be like Greta and Becca when it comes to relating to these kids. In some ways I might, but as a whole not really. I am loud, I like to be funny and ridiculous, and have ridiculous amounts of fun with the kids. I'm not really demure (meaning serious and reserved, although I can be at times) and I am sarcastic. I am sure the other women leaders can be the exact same thing at times, but so far I haven't seen it. They are the adults and not at all like the kids. I want to be both. I want to be a kid with them and still be in authority, which I can be. It's ok for me to be me. And it really doesn't matter what the others think. As soon as I stopped being someone else, I connected with the kids and felt so free and alive with them.

I'm not Greta or Becca, I'm me and God likes that.

*A little discrepancy note: Dea, if you read this I didn't forget you were a leader, I just haven't compared myself to you yet =D

Narnia. Who Knew?

It amazes me some of the ways the Lord chooses to bring revelation. As I was driving home from a short trip to VT the Lord started to speak to me through C.S. Lewis' book The Horse and His Boy. It was a surprise as Jesus started revealing things in my heart.

It was near the end of the book when Shasta is bemoaning his misfortune over his life, and how he has come upon several lions throughout his trip that terrified him when normal people wouldn't even see one in their lifetime. Basically he's complaining. Amidst his self-pity and turmoil Aslan - a symbol of God - comes to him and enlightens him about the events that have happened in his life that he views as 'unfortunate'.

Here is part of the dialogue that occurs between the two.

"Aslan: You believe you are unfortunate. Why?

Shasta: Why Wouldn’t I? If only you knew what my life has been like.

Aslan: Tell me.

Shasta: Well I’m no better than an orphan. I’ve never known my real mother or father, and I was brought up by a cruel fisherman. And then finally I was able to escape. But for what? To get chased by lions and mistaken for someone else in Tashban? And to get frightened half to death by some beasts near the tombs? And suffer from heat and thirst in the desert, and then just as we’re about to reach our goal I get chased by another lion who wounded poor Arivus? And, and…now I’m lost and miserable.

...

Aslan: I was the lion who forced you to join with Arivus. I was the cat who comforted you among the tombs. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay a child near death so that it came to shore where a man sat wakeful at midnight to receive you."

As I was listening to this play out, the difference between God's perspective and my perspective or anyone's is so different. We as humans see things that happen in our lives a certain way. Just as Shasta saw pretty much everything in his life was unfortunate we tend to do the same thing at times. We bemoan the state our life is in or an event that occurred that we would have liked to see go differently or the perplexity of something. It reminds me of the story where two people stood opposite each other looking at a glass ball. When asked what color it is, one person says black and the other white. When hearing the others answer each person gets angry and starts arguing. It isn't until one person walks over to the other side to see why the other person sees another color do they realize that the person was seeing it from a different perspective. Sometimes we do that with God. We stand on the other side of the ball and argue with Him that He is wrong. There's no way His side could be white and ours black. It isn't until we let go of our perspective and pride and look at a situation from His perspective that we see the truth. His perspective is always the right one. He sees the big picture more than we will ever be able to and He knows why things happen.

You're probably thinking I should have known this beforehand. And guess what...I did, just not in my heart; the only true way to know something. When we evaluate the things in our life and decide to complain about them or throw ourselves a pity party, we need to step back and ask God to show us the situation from His perspective. You might be surprised as Shasta was to discover His side of the ball.

Change

Pulling...
Stretching...
Like a rubber band,
Being pulled and maneuvered.
Ideas shifting,
Thoughts being thought differently,
It hurts
But I know it will be worth it in the end