Uncomfortable is Good, But...

The thought of moving to an unknown place where I will know absolutely no one is terrifying. Teaching jobs are nearly impossible to find these days. If I do find one, I have the sinking feeling it won't be here...the place where all my friends are...the place where I have my church family...the place that is home. Am I really willing to move my entire life to a new place and start over again? Honestly, no...I don't know...maybe...yes...no not really. What if the Lord told you to move? He would have to be supremely clear, and even then I think I would question it.

Maybe I should change my career field. Am I qualified enough? Would I actually be able to succeed? Will I even succeed in teaching? What if...

I hate change, everything about it. I hate how you don't have any control. I hate how it's unknown. It's uncomfortable...and I'm wondering if that's what I need. Complacency breeds contempt. Complacency is comfortable. I am comfortable in how life is, even though I am completely frustrated with where it is, it is comfortable. It is known. It's safe because it's predictable.

I don't want to be complacent! I don't want to be frustrated anymore! I want to be able to take a risk. Change something. Grow more and allow God to have the control.

But I'm terrified...

Am I Sarah?

My frustration with my current job has come to a head. The anxiety and stress has been increasing and I can't take it anymore. Usually I can convince myself to keep going with a job because I have loan payments to make. Even that is not convincing enough to want to stay right now. I often feel like the anxiety is too much to handle. Everything feels like its closing in and I can't get out. I get physically beat on at least twice a week by the children I work with. During rare behavior weeks it may only be once. The bruises and scratch marks from one week are barely healed before more are distributed on my arms and hands. I throw numerous blessings at the people that can do this job and still enjoy going to work every day...I can't do it. I have known that special education is not my forte and that I don't enjoy working in that field. Yet the last two jobs I've had and hated have been in special education. The story of Sarah (Abraham's wife...you all know the one. She acted on her own strength in will because she didn't believe God would provide a child in her old age.) has come up several times over the last couple weeks via friends posting in their blogs, a book I'm reading for lifegroup, or people talking about it. It got me thinking...have I acted like Sarah? Am I her?

I got the first job I hated at an adult group home because I was very aggressive in obtaining it due to the fear at not having a job once my student loans started up. I knew it would pay enough for me to at least be able to pay them with a little extra. I grew to hate the job very quickly. It was the first time I have ever hated a job. Working overnights was burning me out physically and emotionally. At one point I couldn't take it anymore, so I started looking for another job that would match the salary I was making or increase it.

The second job in special education I have gotten is with my current job. I knew it would be a hard job, but I wanted out so badly from the first one that I didn't care. I thought maybe it wasn't as bad as people said, and maybe I would be ok in it even though I do not do well in special education. It's only taken three months for absolutely hate going to work. My anxiety about being overpowered and seriously hurt by the 15-17 year olds I work with keeps increasing. My stress level at having to work with people who voiced disliking me is up there as well.

Here I am again at a point where I want and feel like I need to escape. Why did I go after these jobs anyway? I KNOW that I don't do well as a special education teacher. But because of fear that I won't able to pay loans, I've ignored that fact. Crap, I am a Sarah. I acted out of fear that God wouldn't provide. That He wouldn't bring a job when I most needed one. And here I am yet again needing to make a decision about what to do.

Teaching jobs in Elementary schools are very scarce in Western NY, but there are teachings jobs in Preschools and Day Cares. At one point in life I worked in a day care for almost four years. I absolutely loved it. It was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, but not everyone agreed that was the smartest way to go due to the lack of money associated with the job (which is a fair thing to point out). So I changed the plan a little. I left home and went to an out of state school to pursue elementary education. After all I would get better money in that field, and when would there ever be a shortage of teaching jobs? Teachers are always needed. I racked up quite a sum of debt and now I can't find a teaching job in a school. I don't know what to do. How do you stop being Sarah and start trusting?

God has promised provision; it says so in Phil 4:19 - But my God shall supply (a.k.a. provide) all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Thank goodness He is bigger than me and can undo anything I do. I just can't see how He's gonna fix my mess, and that's scary.

Around and Around and Around...

Over the past several months I have been feeling restricted. It's been a struggle. I get frustrated because I feel like my relationship with God isn't moving. It's as though I'm on a path that keeps going around in circles. When it seems like maybe I've gotten away from a certain mindset or issue, it just comes back again. This has frustrated me beyond what I feel I can handle sometimes. I know that God has changed my heart over the years, and I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. But that feeling of still being in the same ruts is wearisome. Over this past weekend I went away on a retreat. There were many things I could talk about that went through my mind, but there is one thing that particularly pertains to this. During one of the talks, it was brought up that Satan uses the same tactic over and over again to take us off the path God has for us. He doesn't change it up at all. In fact when he tempted Jesus in the desert, Satan used the same scheme. And when Jesus wouldn't give in, the Bible says Satan "left Him until an opportune time", meaning he would be coming back to tempt Jesus again. That struck me. I had never thought of that before. Is this why I feel like I am going in circles all the time? A picture was drawn of an arrow in a straight line that represents God's destiny for us. Then little arrows were draw off of the big arrow at different intervals. The small arrows were Satan's attempts to get us off the path God has for us. Maybe instead of going in circles, I just keep falling for that same scheme that is thrown at me. It still seems just as depressing though. At this point, shouldn't I be able to recognize when I'm heading for that bunny trail and prevent myself from feeling like I have to start over again. Each time it's happened my desire for control over that certain area grows. I didn't even realize it until now. Me going off on those trails has made my heart be less and less willing to trust God in everything. My heart belongs to God, or at least most of it. I have to come to terms with giving it all up and trusting in Him completely. I want to, but I don't want to. I'm terrified and immensely scared of what will happen, but I know that if I don't His plan for me will never fully come to pass. He's waiting for me to give it all up. I don't know how because I've held on to it for so long, but I've decided I will find out how. I don't want to be restricted any more. I want out of this feeling forever. I want Him to be enough for me, to be my best friend, and I want to be in His will completely...even if it is terrifying at first.