A New Year

There are so many people I have spoken with about the year 2013 over the past several weeks. Most of those people have expressed that 2013 was a very difficult year. It was a year of painful growth, a year of many sorrows, a year of just plain awfulness. I can absolutely say that 2013 was probably one of the most difficult years of my life as of yet. There were a lot of lows, more than I would like to remember. Thankfully there were also some really fantastic, outright glorious moments as well.  What is it about this past year that created such difficulty for so many people? What is the Lord planning for this year? Tell you what, it can only be great things.

I am so thankful 2013 is over. There was a change in the air as 2014 rolled in this morning. A hope for new and better things from the Lord. A difference in atmosphere as my friends and I brought in the new year with prayer and an extensive (2.5 hour) dance party. There was relief. Relief at knowing we will never have to live through last year again. Relief in feeling a difference. No matter how tired we all were, we could stop celebrating a new beginning. So...

Happy New Year! And may God bring abundance to you this year. :)

Uncomfortable is Good, But...

The thought of moving to an unknown place where I will know absolutely no one is terrifying. Teaching jobs are nearly impossible to find these days. If I do find one, I have the sinking feeling it won't be here...the place where all my friends are...the place where I have my church family...the place that is home. Am I really willing to move my entire life to a new place and start over again? Honestly, no...I don't know...maybe...yes...no not really. What if the Lord told you to move? He would have to be supremely clear, and even then I think I would question it.

Maybe I should change my career field. Am I qualified enough? Would I actually be able to succeed? Will I even succeed in teaching? What if...

I hate change, everything about it. I hate how you don't have any control. I hate how it's unknown. It's uncomfortable...and I'm wondering if that's what I need. Complacency breeds contempt. Complacency is comfortable. I am comfortable in how life is, even though I am completely frustrated with where it is, it is comfortable. It is known. It's safe because it's predictable.

I don't want to be complacent! I don't want to be frustrated anymore! I want to be able to take a risk. Change something. Grow more and allow God to have the control.

But I'm terrified...

Online Dating?

So I have a confession...it isn't really anything huge, but it kind of is. Quite a few posts on this blog are about my frustrations with singleness and how much of a struggle it is for me. For many many years I always said I wouldn't do online dating. Something about it rubbed me wrong. I don't know why. I didn't care if others did it, but somehow I thought it would mean I wasn't trusting God to work His will. Well in a moment of spontaneity near the first of the year I signed up for an online dating site. Not only that, but I paid for six months of membership. I know right? This is craziness!

A couple friends have been saying I should do this for months, but I always shrugged it off. I'm a traditionalist when it comes to how a guy and girl should come together. I've loved the stories where they meet in the grocery store or the bank or some weird generic place. A place where he initiates the conversation with a possibly lame pick up line to start the conversation. Sappy and romantic right? And totally not equal with reality. Yes that happens to some people, but for the majority of the population I feel like it doesn't. I could be wrong about this though seeing as how I haven't been privy to every situation where a girl meets a guy.

See the only thing I've thought to base my perfect love story off of is movies and TV shows, and we all know that those are never based on reality. Instead I should base it off of God's Word. Last week my pastor had a great sermon about being single and how to prepare yourself for marriage. He used the story of Issac and Rebekkah as an example. It was nice, and a little painful, to be reminded of some things that I forget about in moments of frustration.

Maybe it was a moment of clarity from God instead of spontaneity that caused me to do it, I don't know. I could be totally off my rocker with that theory. Whatever the reason, I know I never would have done it otherwise. Sometimes I get really scared and think I should just forget it and never look at the site again. What if no one wants to get to know me? I'm not really the kind of girl that's going to contact a whole bunch of guys seeking someone out. I still want a guy to initiate the relationship. Well, I guess only time will tell what this will bring.

Allergies...Really?

As a kids I never suffered from allergies. It was quite nice and I considered myself blessed for that. It seems that reign of allergy freedom has left me. :(. Last year I had an incredibly swollen throat, and that was it. So I went to the doc and they did a strep test cause I was convinced that's what it was. (I used to get strep all the time as a kid.) Who thinks of allergies if you've never had 'em? Well the test came back negative. This year around the same time as last year (this past week to be precise) I have had the most difficulty with swallowing again because of a swollen throat. Now you would think I would jump right to the conclusion that this would be the same issue that I had last year and therefore allergies. Nope, I didn't. It wasn't until today that it dawned on me that this is indeed the same experience I had last year. All I have to do now is find some allergy meds that will actually work. Oh man, I better start getting used to thinking like someone who has allergies. Why do these things have to develop as we get older? Let's just hope I don't concoct any allergies to any of my fav foods. Then we'll be in trouble.

Leaving Your Desires...and Picking Up Mine

I am learning that part of being an adult is making decisions based off of your own beliefs and not others. And that in order to make boundaries you have to inform the other party of your intentions. Both are very hard things to do when it involves people you are close to. There are people in each of our lives that we want to please whether in regards to the decisions we make, the places we go, the career we choose, person we marry, or (fill in the blank). We all have dreams and desires from the time we are young. Some people hide them, some strive to have them fulfilled and do anything to see them come true, some wish they would come true without doing anything, while others change them. Our dreams and desires naturally change and take shape as we grow older in good ways, and sometimes maybe in bad ways too. People come into our lives that show us the reality of some of our far off superhero-like dreams, like growing wings and flying, and sometimes the realistic dreams are crushed. For those of us who like to people please, it's easier to hide what we really want and believe to protect and keep those closest to us from the possibility of being hurt; it's easier to suffer than to express a want or need. However, that only hurts one person...you...me...us. It's hard and scary to take a stand and say "THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE" to someone who means a lot to you, who has expressed disappointment in you for that, and who has thought it to be untrue. I have seen in movies when a young adult decides they are no longer going to follow someone else's dream, and instead follow their own. There are usually some hurt feelings, but the other person always comes to see the young adults perspective in the next scene. I have also seen this scenario in real life with the outcome being very different. There are years of  no support from those closest to you, but you are doing what you believe you should, what you believe God wants you to do and a support system comes around you from your church family. We all want the perfect ending when we decide we are going to make our own decisions as adults, but it doesn't always happen that way. The Bible says we are to leave (and later cleave) in Gen 2:24 - "Therefore shall a man [or woman] leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife [or husband]: and they shall be one flesh". (brackets inserted by me)  Leaving is hard, and it doesn't mean forgoing sound advise simply to do something you want to do regardless of whether it matches with God's law and plan or not. The Hebrew word used in this verse is `azab and it means to loosen or relinquish. We are to loosen our ties with one so that we may eventually make them stronger with another person. Until that person comes around we are to strengthen our ties with "the Lover" -  Jesus. Sometimes that means we have to move in a direction that those closest to us disagree with. But if it's truly what God wants you to do, then there will be blessings in that. Sometimes you may not see the blessing for a while, but they will come. Or God will direct somewhere else. It's time to leave and follow what I believe God wants me to do and not be afraid to say and do so.

 

Reversing the Cycle

I grew up with the idea ingrained into me that God doesn't care about my feelings. They have a very strong opinion that whatever you want, God is going to withhold it from you. Wherever you want to go or do, He will call you in a completely different direction. And that if you are blessed with that one thing that you desire, it will be taken away from you by Him. For a long time I have believed this. I have seen how God has blessed others around me instantly, and how I have had to wait, and I've been jealous. I have allowed the lie that I must not be worthy enough to creep in. I have become excellent at striving and "working" towards being worthy enough in order to receive what my heart so desires. However, there's only so far you can go with that thought pattern. My parents are great examples of that. You become stuck, unable to move because of a lie. You can't see the things around you that have been blessed with. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I know in my head that God truly does care about my wants and feelings. He takes my desires and requests into consideration. But this is so difficult for me to believe in my heart. The other difficult part to believe is that I don't have to do anything for God to bless me. Why is that so hard to understand? He blesses His children because He loves them, not because one did more than another or earned it. Striving comes easy. Just sitting and receiving a gift from my heavenly father simply because He wants to bless me...not so much. It's time the thought pattern stopped. It's time to start believing that God has tremendously great things in store and that they are coming soon. It's time to believe that God cares about my feelings and desires, and He won't take away what He's given. This is so not going to be easy, but it well worth it in the end.

Curve Balls

Life will throw you some curve balls. I know I have had some small ones already and I’m sure there will be more to come. The latest involves my car. I have had two cars over the six years that I have been driving; both lasting around 3 years. The first car I had was Ruby Pickles. A wonderful Ford Escort Wagon that was a maroon color. I loved that car and pretty much balled when she died. Being young and naïve about the workings of a car I ran her into the ground. I do need to point out that I did ask for advice concerning the lack of acceleration and shifting of gears. However, I was met with the reply of “It’s probably nothing”. Well I didn’t take very long, a matter of months, before she stopped working. Turns out you should check the transmission fuel every couple of months on old cars to make sure it is staying at full. Yeah I missed that one and drove the car till it had zero fluid left causing great havoc within the transmission causing it to quit. Since it would cost more to put a new one in than it was worth I sold it for a mere $250 as a parts car. :(. It was a sad day.

Being still young and naïve when I purchased my second car, Vivian, there were certain things that should have raised flags about buying it. Looking back upon this decision I see it was not the greatest to make. In fact it was rather stupid. The dealer openly told me that the car had had a new engine put in because the old one blew up. He must have realized I probably wouldn’t ask questions about how old the “new” engine was or bother him about how the check engine light wouldn’t go off. Being a girl and only 19, he had me sized up pretty good. All I wanted was a set of wheels that moved to regain my freedom, and he had it priced at what I perceived was a pretty good deal. I was told that the car was originally $4,000 but just for me he would sell it to me for $3,000…until three days later that is upon which it would go back up to $4,000. Oh how I was sucked in even though my parents warned he was pulling one over me. Quite honestly I didn’t really think about whether or not I had made a good decision. I was desperate to have a way to escape home and the relying on of my parents for a ride to work and anywhere else; the anywhere else part didn’t really happen. I was cooped up and itching to get out. If only I had shopped around a little more and looked at other cars I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

So here I am trying to figure out how I am going to catch this curve ball. Vivian’s second engine has completely failed. The replacement of which would cost more than the car is actually worth. As a result she is being buried. *sigh. What to do…I really don’t know. I have zero savings to spend on a new car and I am cringing at the fact that I will have to take on more debt so that I may have a car to drive to work so that I can pay off not only my upcoming loan payments, but also car payments. Joy. Praise the Lord that I have a job that will be able to pay for both and an Uncle that is allowing me to borrow a loaner car from his garage for a couple weeks. I am deeply grateful and very lost at the same time. Sometimes I wish there was a literal stairway to God’s throne in my room where I could go up and just talk with Him about what I should do and actually here a response. Gah!!!! I hate car shopping. I really have no idea what I’m doing. Thank the Lord that He knows what’s going on.

Sometimes being an adult really stinks.

Life is a Playlist

Did you ever notice that the music you listen to changes depending on where you are in life? I didn't until a couple days ago. As someone who listens to music a lot and loves to worship God through music, you'd think I'd catch on to this sooner. Haha! For the first time last week, I went through my iTunes and really looked at the music I have. Now I don't download every song that comes out like my sister, but I have had over 1000 songs. So many songs I forgot I actually had in my library. As I started going through them I realized there were so many I really don't listen to anymore. So I stopped and asked myself why. Why don't I listen to these songs anymore? A simple answer came to mind - they were for different seasons and I'm not that person anymore.

As I've grown as a person and in the Lord, the music I've listened has changed. When I first bought CD's to load onto my iTunes I had things like 'Annie Get Your Gun' and 'Grease'. I was big into musicals and "childish" music, but that's because I was a child. My spirit and physical person were not mature. I listened to the same music for years and years without getting tired of it or feeling the need to change. And then I went to college. Lol! Since coming to college my music choices have changed so much. About a quarter of the way through my first semester at Brockport I realized it was uncool to like to listen to 'The Little Mermaid' and 'The Lion King' soundtracks. People looked at you weird and the roommates commented on it quite a bit. For a while I still listened to it...just quieter ;-).

Slowly though, I got really tired of listening to it. So I started looking for other music. I can't remember how many times my preferences expanded, but it was a lot. I went from a girl who listened to kids music to a woman who turned up the bass and speakers on up-to-date pop and hip hop; jammin' tunes as I like to call them. Not only did my secular choices expand and change, but my worship preferences did too. There were seasons of Hillsong, Chris Tomlin, and Sanctus Real's "Whatever You're Doing". Through each change in life I would listen to some songs less and less and others more and more. My playlist called Life started to take shape. Going back and listening to these songs stirs my heart and reminds me of where I've been, sometimes not in a good way. Some seasons, well many actually were really difficult and challenging. As I've grown they become even more challenging and the music I listen to reflects that. 

I've started deleting the music I never listen to anymore (currently down to 800). It's not easy because it means I really have to let go of the past and the emotions that songs bring up. And the 'what if I "need" that song later' thought. (Good thing we have YouTube.) The reminders of who I used to be and where I was stuck. It isn't a bad thing to remember those places and I don't plan on forgetting, but I do plan to move forward and not dwell in the same emotions as I had then.

So here is a song that I would like to share with you which is currently well played on my ipod and library. It doesn't have a music video and you can't find the lyrics online, but iTunes does have it. Haha! This song speaks so deeply to my heart and what I want to know in Christ. It is very simple yet quite intense, so I will leave you to digest it.

First Commandment

by Clay Edwards

I will let you love me

I will let you wash my feet

I will let you serve me

For it sets me free

And it causes me, to love You in return

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength

I will let you love me

I will let you wash my feet

I will let you serve me.

For it sets me free

And it causes me, to love You in return

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength (x2)

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation

And it takes You to love You

To You is my affection

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation of Your love

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength (x2)

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation

And it takes You to love You

To You is my affection

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation of Your love

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength

The Differences Between Us

Yesterday I was exactly the same age as my mother the day she had me - exactly one week away from turning 23. It amazes me how different our lives are at that same point. My Mom had been married for 10 months to the only man she had loved and dated, and she had just had her first child - ME. I was a complete unexpected development in their life that was even more unexpected due to the fact that I was 2 and 1/2 weeks early. The April 2nd baby turned into a March 15th baby. I do thank God, though, that I wasn't born on April fools...for sure. Haha! Due to me being in stress...probably about being born...my Mom had to be induced into labor and I was born at 11:25 am Tues March 15th.

I am no where near where my Mom was at this age. I'm not married and I don't have a bundle of joy. I always thought I would be at the same place as my Mom at 22 growing up, though. Especially when I was an early teenager, I wanted nothing more than to become someones wife and have loads of babies at a young age, like my Mom. Sitting here now, I realize there is no way I would want to get married and have children right away. Would I like to be married right now? Yeah sure. Do I want children right now? That would be a big fat no. Haha! Although I may know more than the average first Mom due to my experience in the education field and having helped my Mom with four of my five siblings, I know I am no way ready to have a child right now. My Mom didn't want children at 22 either, but she got one.

So far my life has been fairly similar to my Mom's in quite a few ways, but here is where we part in similarities. There are still some similarities that remain between us at this age, like being broke, that I don't want to remain and I know my Mom doesn't want me to have to go through as well. My Mom is an amazing person who has gone through a lot in life. Even though she never wanted children and although I came at a very unopportunistic time, I am very thankful she kept me and that she loves me and my five siblings very much. Love you Mom :-)

Change

Pulling...
Stretching...
Like a rubber band,
Being pulled and maneuvered.
Ideas shifting,
Thoughts being thought differently,
It hurts
But I know it will be worth it in the end