Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Over the past several months I have been feeling restricted. It's been a struggle. I get frustrated because I feel like my relationship with God isn't moving. It's as though I'm on a path that keeps going around in circles. When it seems like maybe I've gotten away from a certain mindset or issue, it just comes back again. This has frustrated me beyond what I feel I can handle sometimes. I know that God has changed my heart over the years, and I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. But that feeling of still being in the same ruts is wearisome. Over this past weekend I went away on a retreat. There were many things I could talk about that went through my mind, but there is one thing that particularly pertains to this. During one of the talks, it was brought up that Satan uses the same tactic over and over again to take us off the path God has for us. He doesn't change it up at all. In fact when he tempted Jesus in the desert, Satan used the same scheme. And when Jesus wouldn't give in, the Bible says Satan "left Him until an opportune time", meaning he would be coming back to tempt Jesus again. That struck me. I had never thought of that before. Is this why I feel like I am going in circles all the time? A picture was drawn of an arrow in a straight line that represents God's destiny for us. Then little arrows were draw off of the big arrow at different intervals. The small arrows were Satan's attempts to get us off the path God has for us. Maybe instead of going in circles, I just keep falling for that same scheme that is thrown at me. It still seems just as depressing though. At this point, shouldn't I be able to recognize when I'm heading for that bunny trail and prevent myself from feeling like I have to start over again. Each time it's happened my desire for control over that certain area grows. I didn't even realize it until now. Me going off on those trails has made my heart be less and less willing to trust God in everything. My heart belongs to God, or at least most of it. I have to come to terms with giving it all up and trusting in Him completely. I want to, but I don't want to. I'm terrified and immensely scared of what will happen, but I know that if I don't His plan for me will never fully come to pass. He's waiting for me to give it all up. I don't know how because I've held on to it for so long, but I've decided I will find out how. I don't want to be restricted any more. I want out of this feeling forever. I want Him to be enough for me, to be my best friend, and I want to be in His will completely...even if it is terrifying at first.