Between a Rock and a Hard Place

No one ever said growth doesn't hurt, and yet it surprises us how much it hurts when the pruning happens. A common Christian saying is "God loves us too much to leave us in one place". For this I am thankful...at times. The more it hurts, the harder it is to see the good that will come out of it all.

I imagine if the oyster who is stuck with the grain of sand could express it's feelings, it wouldn't always be grateful. The oyster may even resent the pain that it has to go through at times. If you had a rock in your shoe all the time, it would get annoying after a while right? But the oyster doesn't give up. It keeps working through the pain, through the irritation. The oyster keeps fighting until one day, there's no longer a rough piece of sand inside them.

Or what about the tree that grows through the solid rock cliff. How much do you think that seed had to fight? Do you think it may have wanted to give up at times? If a tree could feel, I bet it would have moments of discouragement. Not every seed that drops in a miniscule crack grows. Only some grow, but it isn't easy. They have to withstand a variety of circumstances and trials. When they reach the point of breaking through, though, it's beautiful...a testament of perseverance through pain and suffering.

When this life gets to be too much we have to remind ourselves to look forward, we have to fight to keep going...to push through the pain. Because in the end there will be beauty that comes, whether we see it (or believe it) now or not. These days, it's hard to hold onto that truth...to believe it. I get tired of fighting like everyone else. But I have to hold on, to have hope in the Lord, because His promise is clear...

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37:3-5

All it Takes...

is a side glance and a whisper from a group of guys for my insecurity to go from a mouse to a monster. My mind starts going, wondering what flaw they are picking out and laughing about. Is it my personality? Is it something about my appearance? Did I say something really stupid and not know it? Are they making fun of my laugh?

I go from being confident in the task I am doing to completely insecure in a second. Something I am doing, or how I look, is causing side glances and whispers and quiet snickers. It's tormenting. I no longer feel comfortable in my body or actions. The worthlessness creeps in fast. I don't know how to stop it...the feeling of not belonging, the confusion of trying to figure out what must be wrong with me.

The voices inside take the opportunity to plague me. How do you stop the damage from happening when it only takes a second for it to be over? When you can't even see it coming? There's no warning...the arrow just pierces. 

Uncomfortable is Good, But...

The thought of moving to an unknown place where I will know absolutely no one is terrifying. Teaching jobs are nearly impossible to find these days. If I do find one, I have the sinking feeling it won't be here...the place where all my friends are...the place where I have my church family...the place that is home. Am I really willing to move my entire life to a new place and start over again? Honestly, no...I don't know...maybe...yes...no not really. What if the Lord told you to move? He would have to be supremely clear, and even then I think I would question it.

Maybe I should change my career field. Am I qualified enough? Would I actually be able to succeed? Will I even succeed in teaching? What if...

I hate change, everything about it. I hate how you don't have any control. I hate how it's unknown. It's uncomfortable...and I'm wondering if that's what I need. Complacency breeds contempt. Complacency is comfortable. I am comfortable in how life is, even though I am completely frustrated with where it is, it is comfortable. It is known. It's safe because it's predictable.

I don't want to be complacent! I don't want to be frustrated anymore! I want to be able to take a risk. Change something. Grow more and allow God to have the control.

But I'm terrified...

Tug of War

Recently someone said to me that they feel as though they are in a tug of war where they are the rope. This tug of war is a result of a decision she needs to make regarding her walk with God. Last night, on my way home, I was thinking about her and this tug of war she's in and talking with God about the situation and how to respond to her. This girl has said she's made a decision, but still feels like she's stuck in this pulling game. I was asking the Lord what wisdom I could give her about this tug of war and how to end it when He very gently told me "It won't stop til you truly let go of one side". And just like that I felt like I had gotten the most gracious slap in the face. It just hit me, the intense meaning of that statement.

So many times we have a choice to make between ourselves (i.e. our flesh) and God. Each time we linger on making a decision about our walk with God we enter ourselves into a game of tug of war. God pulls on one side desiring us to come fully to Him and whatever we are struggling with, or desires we have, or sin we're contemplating entering into, or anything that involves sacrificing our flesh pulls on the other side. Sometimes the tug of war doesn't last long, and other times it is so intense it's as if you can physically feel it.

As God showed me the meaning I almost lost it as the reality of it sank in. Not only had He given me incite concerning this girl's situation, but it was incite into so many decisions every person makes, including myself. Neither side can make you go one way or the other without you letting go because we have free will. Sometimes we say we've made a decision and have  let go of one side, but still feel like we're in the game. It's because we haven't truly let go. We're still holding on with one finger. I realized we either have to let go of God or of ourselves. You choose His way or yours. This knowledge I have known in my head since I was a kid, but within a second it turned into heart knowledge. I don't know how to put into words the emotion that I felt at that moment of realization. I also know I'm not describing the meaning behind His statement the best that it needs to be because I don't know how to. He's gonna have to show you what it means to you.

Reversing the Cycle

I grew up with the idea ingrained into me that God doesn't care about my feelings. They have a very strong opinion that whatever you want, God is going to withhold it from you. Wherever you want to go or do, He will call you in a completely different direction. And that if you are blessed with that one thing that you desire, it will be taken away from you by Him. For a long time I have believed this. I have seen how God has blessed others around me instantly, and how I have had to wait, and I've been jealous. I have allowed the lie that I must not be worthy enough to creep in. I have become excellent at striving and "working" towards being worthy enough in order to receive what my heart so desires. However, there's only so far you can go with that thought pattern. My parents are great examples of that. You become stuck, unable to move because of a lie. You can't see the things around you that have been blessed with. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I know in my head that God truly does care about my wants and feelings. He takes my desires and requests into consideration. But this is so difficult for me to believe in my heart. The other difficult part to believe is that I don't have to do anything for God to bless me. Why is that so hard to understand? He blesses His children because He loves them, not because one did more than another or earned it. Striving comes easy. Just sitting and receiving a gift from my heavenly father simply because He wants to bless me...not so much. It's time the thought pattern stopped. It's time to start believing that God has tremendously great things in store and that they are coming soon. It's time to believe that God cares about my feelings and desires, and He won't take away what He's given. This is so not going to be easy, but it well worth it in the end.

Hidden No More

High in the hills lies a cave.

Hidden in the landscape,

Common in appearance,

Yet holding something of importance.

Clandestine are kept deep within.

Darkness surrounds them,

Attempting to hide what needs the light.

Three guards stand at the entrance stand in sight,

Keeping the secrets in, and others out.

Shimtsah, Ga`avah, and Deilia

Keep watch day and night.

Though few in quantity,

They are strong and relentless.

Refusing to back down,

Threats are thrown around.

Their weapons sharply tipped,

Piercing through they tear and rip

Those who try to free the mystery.

For too long they have ruled. 

For too long they have fooled

Passerby into leaving with naught.

Only wounds have been caught.

No more.

Gather your armor and your sword,

Your army behind and your shield before.

This can't be hidden any more.

Shimtsah begone,

You have no place here.

Ga`avah your words mean nothing anymore.

Deilia your hold is no longer strong.

There will be suffering to pay,

But freedom will arrive along the way.

Triumph will come,

Light will shine in the deepest core.

The clandestine will be hidden no more.

Confessions of a Single Girl

I've been thinking a lot lately about waiting for the perfect man. I've received several books about waiting and being virtuous during past Christmases. I have enjoyed reading each of those books, but there is something I've realized that each one has in common - they are all written by women who have dated a multitude of men and haven't found "him". The Chicken Soul books and ones similar to it are the same as well. Women who have dated again and again tell their readers how hard it has been and how hurt they have gotten. In no way am I demeaning that fact. I know that you get hurt every time a relationship ends, but what about the girls who have never dated and are struggling with that as well as waiting. I am and have been one such girl. I have not dated anyone or had a boyfriend my entire life. Reading the books about virtuosity and waiting were nice, interesting, and encouraging a little but they didn't really help me with my own situation. I know there are probably more girls out there who have dated many guys than those who haven't dated at all. For all those girls who are in their 20's and never dated, this is for you.

I have been told on numerous occasions by a couple people that I am better off not having my heart broken over and over again by old boyfriends. I feel as though it is assumed that I suffer less and am hurt less because I have never dated. Well guess what, that isn't true. Since I was 5 I have wanted to marry. In fact my life goal at one point was to be a wife and a mother; not college or a certain career, haha. Even though I have not dated yet, a similar hurt that is there when you end a relationship has been with me. On numerous occasions throughout my life I have been interested in different guys; since about kindergarten. I don't really remember times in my childhood (before 17 or 18) where I didn't consistently have a crush on someone. I desired love in the worst way. The crushes that I had were not simply a one week or month kind of thing either, when I had a crush it was for a long time. The longest crush I had on a guy was for 6 years. Each time I kept hoping and praying that they would love me in return. Just as a girl gives her heart away to her boyfriend when they are in that relationship, so did I. It wasn't something I meant to do or even realized I did while I was in the situation, but I realize it now. I would hope continually that my crush would like me back and tell me. I would walk in denial, convincing myself that the person was really madly in love with me and it would just take time for him tell me. It's crazy I know, but when you are desperate for something, being realistic doesn't really happen. Emotions take over and it's hard to convince the heart what the head knows to be true. At one point or another I would have to face the hard fact that the affection I had for the other person was not and would never be returned. Even though I was not in a relationship with that person, it was like I was going through a break up. The feelings of rejection and heartbreak were there and very real. I won't pretend I know what going through a break up with a boyfriend is, but based off of what I've seen with friends and heard from others I can pretty much guess what I felt was pretty similar.

I woke up one day and realized how much I was hurting myself by putting myself through these situations. It was all by my own doing. I was lowering my standards for any guy that would show the least bit of interest, and many of the guys I liked I would not go for again because I know how it has hurt me. I have high, what I sometimes feel like are too high, standards for my future husband.  They are Godly characteristics that I thought about in great detail over the years as I've grown. As I was thinking about these standards I realized that there is NO way I will ever be able to find the man for me on my own. God is the only one who can do it. Of course I've known this for a really long time, but knowing and "knowing" are two different things. Knowing is when you have knowledge of a fact in your head. But "knowing", is when you take that fact or piece of information and really believe it in your heart. (Sometimes it takes a while for this transition to occur.) Standards are something every girl should have. We each will differ in them, but we should all have them and refuse to back down for second best because we can't wait any longer. Easier said than done. Patience is a virtue, and a very hard one to attain; especially when you've waited years and years.

I don't want to act like I have it all set. I don't. I struggle with waiting all the time. Most of the time I'm ok with it, but sometimes I am not. I could say to every girl that is waiting for the right one that she just has to be patient and he will show up, but I know that frustrates me a lot when I hear it over and over again. It is true that he will come, eventually, but more important is how I need to go before God every day and give up the control of trying to find "him" on my own. I need to trust God to bring him to me (or me to him) in HIS OWN TIME. That's probably one of the hardest concepts - God's timing. We never know what it is or when He will do things. Sometimes it gets really frustrating because we want what we want when we want it. But no matter how much I a husband, I will always agree that if I wait for God , it will be sooooooo much more pleasurable and exciting and beautiful when it happens. Like jumping in a pool after you've worked all day outside in the hot sun. Yes, I probably will falter and make more mistakes. But God will always welcome me back into His timing and His plan. So if this is something you struggle with, take it before God. Ask a Goldy woman of your church to disciple you and be your spiritual authority. The change may not be instantaneous, but change will occur and it will slowly get easier. It's taken a long time for me to get where I am. (At one point I couldn't even talk to someone about this struggle and desire.) And I can't wait to see what God has in store for me over the next several years. I know it will be more than I can imagine.

Ps 130:5-6 "I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning ; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning"

Is 34:16 "Seek from the book of the LORD, and read : Not one of these will be missing ; None will lack its mate. For His mouth has commanded, And His Spirit has gathered them."

1 Cor. 7: 34-36 "The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit ; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.This I say for your own benefit ; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord. But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his virgin daughter, if she is past her youth, and if it must be so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin ; let her marry.

Seek diligently after the Lord while single, and He will provide for you a spouse.

"Knowledge without expectancy leads to dead religion."