What's a Girl to Do?

The last several months have pushed me to the brink of how much I think I can withstand and back again. At the end of March I was "let go" from my job for an action I didn't commit. It has been one let down after another in trying to find a new job, a way to pay the inevitable bills that four years of college brought me. I have a degree in English Literature and two teaching certifications, and yet I have been completely unsuccessful in procuring a teaching job over the last four years. I have been brought to the end of wanting to try. How long can someone try at something and not succeed before they give up? Well apparently I haven't been able to get the point til now. Changing careers is not fun.

Before my untimely end at my last job, I had felt God leading me to leave that workplace even though I didn't have anything lined up. I had been trying for months to get a different job, to find a different career, to no avail. Even though I knew I needed to leave my job, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time I contemplated it, I would have a near panic attack at knowing how much I would have to trust the Lord to bring me something. I also couldn't handle thinking about leaving the kids I had put so much love and time into, or leaving a co-worker who hated working there just as much as me. I knew how much my leaving would negatively effect the kids and my co-worker. My friends say I am loyal to a fault...this is true. I would rather be miserable and loyal (especially when it comes to anything involving kids) than leaving people in a bind or possibly hurting them. This was my problem at the J. So God took me out.

What a ride it's been. There has been intense anger/bitterness/frustration at where I am at in life. I have days where I literally want to fist fight God, where I have told Him to come down and fight me, because there is so much going on inside and I don't know how to get it out. But I am also grateful. Grateful He saved me from myself in that job. Grateful He has never left my side or turned away from me in my moments of ugliness when my anger comes out towards Him. Grateful He is powerful enough to handle my intensity. Patiently He's let me try to figure out how to deal with my emotions. Every time I want to run away, He follows behind waiting for me to turn back around to get comfort from Him.

Trust is hard, but thankfully He'll never leave me nor forsake me.

The silver lining in all this, I have the time to sit outside in the sun and actually get a tan. Lol! For those who know me, understand my pale self has a very hard time getting color and then keeping it.So yay for finally getting a tan.


"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15

All it Takes...

is a side glance and a whisper from a group of guys for my insecurity to go from a mouse to a monster. My mind starts going, wondering what flaw they are picking out and laughing about. Is it my personality? Is it something about my appearance? Did I say something really stupid and not know it? Are they making fun of my laugh?

I go from being confident in the task I am doing to completely insecure in a second. Something I am doing, or how I look, is causing side glances and whispers and quiet snickers. It's tormenting. I no longer feel comfortable in my body or actions. The worthlessness creeps in fast. I don't know how to stop it...the feeling of not belonging, the confusion of trying to figure out what must be wrong with me.

The voices inside take the opportunity to plague me. How do you stop the damage from happening when it only takes a second for it to be over? When you can't even see it coming? There's no warning...the arrow just pierces. 

Tug of War

Recently someone said to me that they feel as though they are in a tug of war where they are the rope. This tug of war is a result of a decision she needs to make regarding her walk with God. Last night, on my way home, I was thinking about her and this tug of war she's in and talking with God about the situation and how to respond to her. This girl has said she's made a decision, but still feels like she's stuck in this pulling game. I was asking the Lord what wisdom I could give her about this tug of war and how to end it when He very gently told me "It won't stop til you truly let go of one side". And just like that I felt like I had gotten the most gracious slap in the face. It just hit me, the intense meaning of that statement.

So many times we have a choice to make between ourselves (i.e. our flesh) and God. Each time we linger on making a decision about our walk with God we enter ourselves into a game of tug of war. God pulls on one side desiring us to come fully to Him and whatever we are struggling with, or desires we have, or sin we're contemplating entering into, or anything that involves sacrificing our flesh pulls on the other side. Sometimes the tug of war doesn't last long, and other times it is so intense it's as if you can physically feel it.

As God showed me the meaning I almost lost it as the reality of it sank in. Not only had He given me incite concerning this girl's situation, but it was incite into so many decisions every person makes, including myself. Neither side can make you go one way or the other without you letting go because we have free will. Sometimes we say we've made a decision and have  let go of one side, but still feel like we're in the game. It's because we haven't truly let go. We're still holding on with one finger. I realized we either have to let go of God or of ourselves. You choose His way or yours. This knowledge I have known in my head since I was a kid, but within a second it turned into heart knowledge. I don't know how to put into words the emotion that I felt at that moment of realization. I also know I'm not describing the meaning behind His statement the best that it needs to be because I don't know how to. He's gonna have to show you what it means to you.

Nicholas Summersell

For some reason this morning his name came to mind. I'm not sure why, but it did.

I haven't seen this kid in 17 years. He was a boy in third grade who had a major crush on me. We never hung out outside of school, but for some reason he was infatuated with me for the half of third grade when I was still attending public school and a good part of second grade (which I found out during third grade). He gave me this heart necklace that year. Cute but quite inappropriate if you think about it. Later on (not sure of the timeline), with all the love a third grader can muster, he asked me to marry him right before we went sledding down the hill at gym. Even at 7 there were multiple things I understood that right now surprise me. I remember thinking about how I needed to answer carefully because I didn't want him to feel rejected. Sure I liked to kid, but not apparently the same way he liked me. I understood what rejection was at 7. Craziness. I also remember thinking that there was no way I could marry him because he didn't love Jesus. No I didn't have a personal relationship with God at that point in time, but I did believe in God and  I was a product of someone whose parents went to church. My understanding was that it was bad to marry someone who didn't love God if you believed in Him...under no circumstances. So I took the easy way out at told Nick that he needed to ask me when we got older knowing full well I wasn't going to see him again after Christmas. However, deep down I wanted to say yes.

Unsure how to handle the situation further I did what any kid would, I went to an adult for help. Unfortunately the only one available was my male gym teacher who thought it would be funny to tell the whole class about what went down. *Sigh. That was kind of embarrassing.

Anyway, all of this remembering at how I processed things surprised me. I was only 7 for cryin out loud and yet I knew about, and remember clearly understanding, rejection as well as standards for marriage. Come one now, I knew I didn't want to marry anyone who didn't love God at 7. This seems so weird to me. What kind of 7 yr old thinks about this stuff? Me apparently

Decisions = Division

A couple weeks ago I listened to a message about youth leadership. At one point the speaker said something that was intriguing. It was one of those things that you go 'hmmm' at, and then ponder it for a while. He said, "when you decide, you always divide...when you make decisions you will always divide people...you can't please everyone". When I first heard that I thought 'yeah that's good', but it wasn't until this past week that I truly understood what that meant and how much it applies to life in general and not just in leadership.

First a little back story. At my workplace, several employees have been in the process of trying to start a union for over a month. The last three weeks have been filled with mandatory meetings about why we should vote no and the supposed atrocities of collective bargaining. The emotional stress level of everyone has been pretty high. My co-worker has been one of the ring leaders in getting this thing going. I was in agreement with her about it for almost the entire time. The vote for whether we should have a union or not was yesterday. For the last three weeks at work, there has been such division amongst the employees. Relationships were being tested and people were picking sides. I hadn't really made a decision about which way I was going to vote until ten minutes before I did it, however I had been mainly on the side in favor of a union.

Two days before the election I got an incredible sinking feeling that going through with a union may not be the best choice for our center right now. The first thing I thought was 'how am I gonna tell ___ that I have changed my mind?". She was probably gonna be mad and/or disappointed. How would that effect our relationship? She has told me before how she is slow to trusting people who screw her over. I had given my word that I would vote yes. Not making a decision tortured me for days. I knew I didn't have to tell her, but I felt like that was being dishonest and an ungodly thing to do. And lying was out of the question, although contemplated.

I finally got up the courage before going and voting to talk it over with her. It was petrifying and the hardest thing to do. I hate disappointing people, and this was someone I work with 5 days a week for at least 6 hours every day. Would our working relationship be ruined? What kind of division would it bring? And that's when I got it. I understood how the principle being talked about in the message applies to everyday life.

Every decision we make creates a division because not everyone is going to agree with you. Decisions that I delayed making in my past started coming to mind and the divisions that they caused once decided. And the longer I waited to make those decisions, the greater the division was. Sometimes it was a division within myself. Letting go of a past thought process or stereotype or judgement. Let that sink in. Division can happen within you where you let go of something old. Wow...that is powerful. An added revelation, praise Jesus.

I could go into the healing that takes place when division occurs, but we'll save that for another time. Division isn't always bad, in fact a lot of times it's good. When I decided to tell my co-worker what I was honestly thinking it brought division because of a difference of opinion, but we are still able to have a relationship even though we disagreed on something. And there was a division inside me between the fear of stepping out and standing up and doing what's right.

Am I Sarah?

My frustration with my current job has come to a head. The anxiety and stress has been increasing and I can't take it anymore. Usually I can convince myself to keep going with a job because I have loan payments to make. Even that is not convincing enough to want to stay right now. I often feel like the anxiety is too much to handle. Everything feels like its closing in and I can't get out. I get physically beat on at least twice a week by the children I work with. During rare behavior weeks it may only be once. The bruises and scratch marks from one week are barely healed before more are distributed on my arms and hands. I throw numerous blessings at the people that can do this job and still enjoy going to work every day...I can't do it. I have known that special education is not my forte and that I don't enjoy working in that field. Yet the last two jobs I've had and hated have been in special education. The story of Sarah (Abraham's wife...you all know the one. She acted on her own strength in will because she didn't believe God would provide a child in her old age.) has come up several times over the last couple weeks via friends posting in their blogs, a book I'm reading for lifegroup, or people talking about it. It got me thinking...have I acted like Sarah? Am I her?

I got the first job I hated at an adult group home because I was very aggressive in obtaining it due to the fear at not having a job once my student loans started up. I knew it would pay enough for me to at least be able to pay them with a little extra. I grew to hate the job very quickly. It was the first time I have ever hated a job. Working overnights was burning me out physically and emotionally. At one point I couldn't take it anymore, so I started looking for another job that would match the salary I was making or increase it.

The second job in special education I have gotten is with my current job. I knew it would be a hard job, but I wanted out so badly from the first one that I didn't care. I thought maybe it wasn't as bad as people said, and maybe I would be ok in it even though I do not do well in special education. It's only taken three months for absolutely hate going to work. My anxiety about being overpowered and seriously hurt by the 15-17 year olds I work with keeps increasing. My stress level at having to work with people who voiced disliking me is up there as well.

Here I am again at a point where I want and feel like I need to escape. Why did I go after these jobs anyway? I KNOW that I don't do well as a special education teacher. But because of fear that I won't able to pay loans, I've ignored that fact. Crap, I am a Sarah. I acted out of fear that God wouldn't provide. That He wouldn't bring a job when I most needed one. And here I am yet again needing to make a decision about what to do.

Teaching jobs in Elementary schools are very scarce in Western NY, but there are teachings jobs in Preschools and Day Cares. At one point in life I worked in a day care for almost four years. I absolutely loved it. It was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, but not everyone agreed that was the smartest way to go due to the lack of money associated with the job (which is a fair thing to point out). So I changed the plan a little. I left home and went to an out of state school to pursue elementary education. After all I would get better money in that field, and when would there ever be a shortage of teaching jobs? Teachers are always needed. I racked up quite a sum of debt and now I can't find a teaching job in a school. I don't know what to do. How do you stop being Sarah and start trusting?

God has promised provision; it says so in Phil 4:19 - But my God shall supply (a.k.a. provide) all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Thank goodness He is bigger than me and can undo anything I do. I just can't see how He's gonna fix my mess, and that's scary.

Reversing the Cycle

I grew up with the idea ingrained into me that God doesn't care about my feelings. They have a very strong opinion that whatever you want, God is going to withhold it from you. Wherever you want to go or do, He will call you in a completely different direction. And that if you are blessed with that one thing that you desire, it will be taken away from you by Him. For a long time I have believed this. I have seen how God has blessed others around me instantly, and how I have had to wait, and I've been jealous. I have allowed the lie that I must not be worthy enough to creep in. I have become excellent at striving and "working" towards being worthy enough in order to receive what my heart so desires. However, there's only so far you can go with that thought pattern. My parents are great examples of that. You become stuck, unable to move because of a lie. You can't see the things around you that have been blessed with. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I know in my head that God truly does care about my wants and feelings. He takes my desires and requests into consideration. But this is so difficult for me to believe in my heart. The other difficult part to believe is that I don't have to do anything for God to bless me. Why is that so hard to understand? He blesses His children because He loves them, not because one did more than another or earned it. Striving comes easy. Just sitting and receiving a gift from my heavenly father simply because He wants to bless me...not so much. It's time the thought pattern stopped. It's time to start believing that God has tremendously great things in store and that they are coming soon. It's time to believe that God cares about my feelings and desires, and He won't take away what He's given. This is so not going to be easy, but it well worth it in the end.

Hidden No More

High in the hills lies a cave.

Hidden in the landscape,

Common in appearance,

Yet holding something of importance.

Clandestine are kept deep within.

Darkness surrounds them,

Attempting to hide what needs the light.

Three guards stand at the entrance stand in sight,

Keeping the secrets in, and others out.

Shimtsah, Ga`avah, and Deilia

Keep watch day and night.

Though few in quantity,

They are strong and relentless.

Refusing to back down,

Threats are thrown around.

Their weapons sharply tipped,

Piercing through they tear and rip

Those who try to free the mystery.

For too long they have ruled. 

For too long they have fooled

Passerby into leaving with naught.

Only wounds have been caught.

No more.

Gather your armor and your sword,

Your army behind and your shield before.

This can't be hidden any more.

Shimtsah begone,

You have no place here.

Ga`avah your words mean nothing anymore.

Deilia your hold is no longer strong.

There will be suffering to pay,

But freedom will arrive along the way.

Triumph will come,

Light will shine in the deepest core.

The clandestine will be hidden no more.

The Inevitable

After 5 years of not having a primary care physician I have sadly reached the point in time where I need one. Over the past three weeks I have had an abundant array of physical maladies occur that really needed the attention of a doctor. However, since I don't have a primary care physician I have been stuck going to the after hour care in Spencerport and a random eye doctor that really didn't know what he was doing. It all started out with pink eye and a very swollen throat. Then it moved onto ear aches, coughing, headaches, and a still very swollen throat. After two weeks of that I caved and went to the after hour care for people who don't have a doctor. I was told it was all allergies, which I have never had before. My mom, though, thought it was mono. But did you know that you can't get a mono test without a doctor's note? Yeah, you can't. Which made my situation even more frustrating. Upon researching mono I found that all my symptoms, including the ones I gained along the way, were all on the list for mono. So I figure no big deal I'll just go get tested. Yeah, I couldn't get tested. After calling several different clinics and hospitals it all came down to one question - do you have a primary care physician? - to which I always had to answer no. And so I have to accept one more aspect of adulthood and get a doctor.
:-P

Narnia. Who Knew?

It amazes me some of the ways the Lord chooses to bring revelation. As I was driving home from a short trip to VT the Lord started to speak to me through C.S. Lewis' book The Horse and His Boy. It was a surprise as Jesus started revealing things in my heart.

It was near the end of the book when Shasta is bemoaning his misfortune over his life, and how he has come upon several lions throughout his trip that terrified him when normal people wouldn't even see one in their lifetime. Basically he's complaining. Amidst his self-pity and turmoil Aslan - a symbol of God - comes to him and enlightens him about the events that have happened in his life that he views as 'unfortunate'.

Here is part of the dialogue that occurs between the two.

"Aslan: You believe you are unfortunate. Why?

Shasta: Why Wouldn’t I? If only you knew what my life has been like.

Aslan: Tell me.

Shasta: Well I’m no better than an orphan. I’ve never known my real mother or father, and I was brought up by a cruel fisherman. And then finally I was able to escape. But for what? To get chased by lions and mistaken for someone else in Tashban? And to get frightened half to death by some beasts near the tombs? And suffer from heat and thirst in the desert, and then just as we’re about to reach our goal I get chased by another lion who wounded poor Arivus? And, and…now I’m lost and miserable.

...

Aslan: I was the lion who forced you to join with Arivus. I was the cat who comforted you among the tombs. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay a child near death so that it came to shore where a man sat wakeful at midnight to receive you."

As I was listening to this play out, the difference between God's perspective and my perspective or anyone's is so different. We as humans see things that happen in our lives a certain way. Just as Shasta saw pretty much everything in his life was unfortunate we tend to do the same thing at times. We bemoan the state our life is in or an event that occurred that we would have liked to see go differently or the perplexity of something. It reminds me of the story where two people stood opposite each other looking at a glass ball. When asked what color it is, one person says black and the other white. When hearing the others answer each person gets angry and starts arguing. It isn't until one person walks over to the other side to see why the other person sees another color do they realize that the person was seeing it from a different perspective. Sometimes we do that with God. We stand on the other side of the ball and argue with Him that He is wrong. There's no way His side could be white and ours black. It isn't until we let go of our perspective and pride and look at a situation from His perspective that we see the truth. His perspective is always the right one. He sees the big picture more than we will ever be able to and He knows why things happen.

You're probably thinking I should have known this beforehand. And guess what...I did, just not in my heart; the only true way to know something. When we evaluate the things in our life and decide to complain about them or throw ourselves a pity party, we need to step back and ask God to show us the situation from His perspective. You might be surprised as Shasta was to discover His side of the ball.

Curve Balls

Life will throw you some curve balls. I know I have had some small ones already and I’m sure there will be more to come. The latest involves my car. I have had two cars over the six years that I have been driving; both lasting around 3 years. The first car I had was Ruby Pickles. A wonderful Ford Escort Wagon that was a maroon color. I loved that car and pretty much balled when she died. Being young and naïve about the workings of a car I ran her into the ground. I do need to point out that I did ask for advice concerning the lack of acceleration and shifting of gears. However, I was met with the reply of “It’s probably nothing”. Well I didn’t take very long, a matter of months, before she stopped working. Turns out you should check the transmission fuel every couple of months on old cars to make sure it is staying at full. Yeah I missed that one and drove the car till it had zero fluid left causing great havoc within the transmission causing it to quit. Since it would cost more to put a new one in than it was worth I sold it for a mere $250 as a parts car. :(. It was a sad day.

Being still young and naïve when I purchased my second car, Vivian, there were certain things that should have raised flags about buying it. Looking back upon this decision I see it was not the greatest to make. In fact it was rather stupid. The dealer openly told me that the car had had a new engine put in because the old one blew up. He must have realized I probably wouldn’t ask questions about how old the “new” engine was or bother him about how the check engine light wouldn’t go off. Being a girl and only 19, he had me sized up pretty good. All I wanted was a set of wheels that moved to regain my freedom, and he had it priced at what I perceived was a pretty good deal. I was told that the car was originally $4,000 but just for me he would sell it to me for $3,000…until three days later that is upon which it would go back up to $4,000. Oh how I was sucked in even though my parents warned he was pulling one over me. Quite honestly I didn’t really think about whether or not I had made a good decision. I was desperate to have a way to escape home and the relying on of my parents for a ride to work and anywhere else; the anywhere else part didn’t really happen. I was cooped up and itching to get out. If only I had shopped around a little more and looked at other cars I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

So here I am trying to figure out how I am going to catch this curve ball. Vivian’s second engine has completely failed. The replacement of which would cost more than the car is actually worth. As a result she is being buried. *sigh. What to do…I really don’t know. I have zero savings to spend on a new car and I am cringing at the fact that I will have to take on more debt so that I may have a car to drive to work so that I can pay off not only my upcoming loan payments, but also car payments. Joy. Praise the Lord that I have a job that will be able to pay for both and an Uncle that is allowing me to borrow a loaner car from his garage for a couple weeks. I am deeply grateful and very lost at the same time. Sometimes I wish there was a literal stairway to God’s throne in my room where I could go up and just talk with Him about what I should do and actually here a response. Gah!!!! I hate car shopping. I really have no idea what I’m doing. Thank the Lord that He knows what’s going on.

Sometimes being an adult really stinks.

Life is a Playlist

Did you ever notice that the music you listen to changes depending on where you are in life? I didn't until a couple days ago. As someone who listens to music a lot and loves to worship God through music, you'd think I'd catch on to this sooner. Haha! For the first time last week, I went through my iTunes and really looked at the music I have. Now I don't download every song that comes out like my sister, but I have had over 1000 songs. So many songs I forgot I actually had in my library. As I started going through them I realized there were so many I really don't listen to anymore. So I stopped and asked myself why. Why don't I listen to these songs anymore? A simple answer came to mind - they were for different seasons and I'm not that person anymore.

As I've grown as a person and in the Lord, the music I've listened has changed. When I first bought CD's to load onto my iTunes I had things like 'Annie Get Your Gun' and 'Grease'. I was big into musicals and "childish" music, but that's because I was a child. My spirit and physical person were not mature. I listened to the same music for years and years without getting tired of it or feeling the need to change. And then I went to college. Lol! Since coming to college my music choices have changed so much. About a quarter of the way through my first semester at Brockport I realized it was uncool to like to listen to 'The Little Mermaid' and 'The Lion King' soundtracks. People looked at you weird and the roommates commented on it quite a bit. For a while I still listened to it...just quieter ;-).

Slowly though, I got really tired of listening to it. So I started looking for other music. I can't remember how many times my preferences expanded, but it was a lot. I went from a girl who listened to kids music to a woman who turned up the bass and speakers on up-to-date pop and hip hop; jammin' tunes as I like to call them. Not only did my secular choices expand and change, but my worship preferences did too. There were seasons of Hillsong, Chris Tomlin, and Sanctus Real's "Whatever You're Doing". Through each change in life I would listen to some songs less and less and others more and more. My playlist called Life started to take shape. Going back and listening to these songs stirs my heart and reminds me of where I've been, sometimes not in a good way. Some seasons, well many actually were really difficult and challenging. As I've grown they become even more challenging and the music I listen to reflects that. 

I've started deleting the music I never listen to anymore (currently down to 800). It's not easy because it means I really have to let go of the past and the emotions that songs bring up. And the 'what if I "need" that song later' thought. (Good thing we have YouTube.) The reminders of who I used to be and where I was stuck. It isn't a bad thing to remember those places and I don't plan on forgetting, but I do plan to move forward and not dwell in the same emotions as I had then.

So here is a song that I would like to share with you which is currently well played on my ipod and library. It doesn't have a music video and you can't find the lyrics online, but iTunes does have it. Haha! This song speaks so deeply to my heart and what I want to know in Christ. It is very simple yet quite intense, so I will leave you to digest it.

First Commandment

by Clay Edwards

I will let you love me

I will let you wash my feet

I will let you serve me

For it sets me free

And it causes me, to love You in return

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength

I will let you love me

I will let you wash my feet

I will let you serve me.

For it sets me free

And it causes me, to love You in return

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength (x2)

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation

And it takes You to love You

To You is my affection

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation of Your love

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength (x2)

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation

And it takes You to love You

To You is my affection

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation of Your love

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength

It's Proof...People Love You

Oh birthdays. The one day a year people tend to dread the older they get, and yet it's one of the days in a year that you feel truly loved by all those around you. I'm not old enough to dread turning another year older, yet...I hear it starts around the time you reach middle age. Lol! Sometimes I forget how many people I come into contact every day and have come into contact with in my life. Facebook is a great contributor to the act of somewhat keeping in contact with those that you meet. At least friending them and then posting on each others' walls at minimum once or twice a year, that day being a birthday. Your profile page that doesn't see much action suddenly blows up with all the birthday wishes from people. Some you haven't talked to in a long time, others' you talk to frequently. Not only do you get posts on your wall on Facebook, but your pastor singles you out at a class at church to wish you good tidings in front of everyone and family gets together to just celebrate you.  And if you can't celebrate with them in person they tape your face to your little sister's Dora the Explorer doll and then video tape singing happy birthday to you as though you were there, which is shortly thereafter posted to Facebook. Close friends call and text you just so they can say it in person. Electronic cards are sent while others are mailed to you. Sometimes you get to celebrate more than once because one day isn't enough to fit everyone in. It is your day where everyone says "we're glad you were born and we love you". A day where the focus can be on you for a little bit.

I must admit that going into this day, I was not looking forward to it. Life has been rough the past couple months. The process of stretching and growing one's faith is not easy, in fact it's a lot harder than I bargained for. Even though 23 is not really that old, I am reluctant to accept that another year of my life is starting. It seemed like just yesterday I was playing with Barbies and becoming a teenager. What happened? There were things I wanted to happen in life before I got to this point that haven't. Sometimes the disappointment of that is really strong and hard to be joyful about, and life gets overwhelming. As much as I'm still unsure about being 23, I am ending the day with such gratitude towards everyone that is in my life and a tremendous feeling of being loved. I am joyful that God has placed so many people in my path, so many people that care. Birthdays are it; they're proof...people really love you.

Around and Around and Around...

Over the past several months I have been feeling restricted. It's been a struggle. I get frustrated because I feel like my relationship with God isn't moving. It's as though I'm on a path that keeps going around in circles. When it seems like maybe I've gotten away from a certain mindset or issue, it just comes back again. This has frustrated me beyond what I feel I can handle sometimes. I know that God has changed my heart over the years, and I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. But that feeling of still being in the same ruts is wearisome. Over this past weekend I went away on a retreat. There were many things I could talk about that went through my mind, but there is one thing that particularly pertains to this. During one of the talks, it was brought up that Satan uses the same tactic over and over again to take us off the path God has for us. He doesn't change it up at all. In fact when he tempted Jesus in the desert, Satan used the same scheme. And when Jesus wouldn't give in, the Bible says Satan "left Him until an opportune time", meaning he would be coming back to tempt Jesus again. That struck me. I had never thought of that before. Is this why I feel like I am going in circles all the time? A picture was drawn of an arrow in a straight line that represents God's destiny for us. Then little arrows were draw off of the big arrow at different intervals. The small arrows were Satan's attempts to get us off the path God has for us. Maybe instead of going in circles, I just keep falling for that same scheme that is thrown at me. It still seems just as depressing though. At this point, shouldn't I be able to recognize when I'm heading for that bunny trail and prevent myself from feeling like I have to start over again. Each time it's happened my desire for control over that certain area grows. I didn't even realize it until now. Me going off on those trails has made my heart be less and less willing to trust God in everything. My heart belongs to God, or at least most of it. I have to come to terms with giving it all up and trusting in Him completely. I want to, but I don't want to. I'm terrified and immensely scared of what will happen, but I know that if I don't His plan for me will never fully come to pass. He's waiting for me to give it all up. I don't know how because I've held on to it for so long, but I've decided I will find out how. I don't want to be restricted any more. I want out of this feeling forever. I want Him to be enough for me, to be my best friend, and I want to be in His will completely...even if it is terrifying at first.

Unexpected Word

I have been meaning to write about this for some time, but something has seemed to come up, or I couldn't come up with the right words to write this.

One Tuesday night, a man with the gift of prophecy came to Christ Community to talk. He is also a musician. It was amazing. I could tell the Lord was there when he first started worship; you just could feel His presence. This man's wife sang and his son played electric guitar with him. His son is a very talented guitar player. There was no sheet music he was following; he was just free styling it as his Dad played the melody. It was so beautiful and wonderful to hear them.

After the music and him teaching on being caught in the middle, he said if anyone wanted prayer they should come up to the front and he would pray over you. At first I wasn't sure if that meant we were all supposed to go up or only some people. After thinking about it for a second I decided I wanted to go up, but I was a little scared to (for silly reasons). It was partly cause I wasn't sure I would like what I would hear, but my curiosity won over my fear. I wanted to know he would say to me.

It took a really long time for the guy to pray for everyone. I was right around the end, so I had time to prepare for what might be said to me. I was hoping it would be something profound, something about my future or certain desires and the timing of their fulfillment. In actuality, it was about the complete opposite of that. The whole thing was recorded, but I did not get a CD, so what I have to share is what I wrote down right after I was prayed for. So here is the basic gist of what was said: (I wish I could show you how my notes are for this cause they are all over, but I'm organizing it for you. =D)

"Back in the Bible days Israel used these huge, like 40,000 tons, stones to make the foundations of the temples. They would move them into place and hand chisel the pillars. You have these big blocks for a foundation. The blocks for the foundation are moving, but they move slowly. Wait and be patient. It takes time; they're not just something you can pick up and move quickly even though you may want that to happen. The foundation is being moved so that something strong can be built on it. Talk to God and share your heart with Him; spend time with Him. PATIENCE!"

When I heard I had to be patient, I sighed and gave a little chuckle. It was frustrating and encouraging all at the same time. Frustrating because I wanted so badly to know something really important and be enlightened about where my life was going; and that is not what I was told. But encouraged because it clarified something I've struggled with about myself. Often times I wonder if God is changing me in any way. A lot of my friends will be able to point out exactly what God is doing in their lives all the time. It has seemed like God is always working in other peoples lives, but it hasn't really appeared like God is doing anything in mine. There are a couple times where that hasn't been the case, but for the most part I feel like I progress really slowly in my relationship with God compared to others. Now it makes sense, kind of. It has helped me to understand why I feel like that, but not why I have been chosen to have my life work that way. SO frustration and some encouragement. And because I have that innate desire to know everything, it makes sense why I would be told to be patient. *sigh -_- lol!