What's a Girl to Do?

The last several months have pushed me to the brink of how much I think I can withstand and back again. At the end of March I was "let go" from my job for an action I didn't commit. It has been one let down after another in trying to find a new job, a way to pay the inevitable bills that four years of college brought me. I have a degree in English Literature and two teaching certifications, and yet I have been completely unsuccessful in procuring a teaching job over the last four years. I have been brought to the end of wanting to try. How long can someone try at something and not succeed before they give up? Well apparently I haven't been able to get the point til now. Changing careers is not fun.

Before my untimely end at my last job, I had felt God leading me to leave that workplace even though I didn't have anything lined up. I had been trying for months to get a different job, to find a different career, to no avail. Even though I knew I needed to leave my job, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time I contemplated it, I would have a near panic attack at knowing how much I would have to trust the Lord to bring me something. I also couldn't handle thinking about leaving the kids I had put so much love and time into, or leaving a co-worker who hated working there just as much as me. I knew how much my leaving would negatively effect the kids and my co-worker. My friends say I am loyal to a fault...this is true. I would rather be miserable and loyal (especially when it comes to anything involving kids) than leaving people in a bind or possibly hurting them. This was my problem at the J. So God took me out.

What a ride it's been. There has been intense anger/bitterness/frustration at where I am at in life. I have days where I literally want to fist fight God, where I have told Him to come down and fight me, because there is so much going on inside and I don't know how to get it out. But I am also grateful. Grateful He saved me from myself in that job. Grateful He has never left my side or turned away from me in my moments of ugliness when my anger comes out towards Him. Grateful He is powerful enough to handle my intensity. Patiently He's let me try to figure out how to deal with my emotions. Every time I want to run away, He follows behind waiting for me to turn back around to get comfort from Him.

Trust is hard, but thankfully He'll never leave me nor forsake me.

The silver lining in all this, I have the time to sit outside in the sun and actually get a tan. Lol! For those who know me, understand my pale self has a very hard time getting color and then keeping it.So yay for finally getting a tan.


"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15

Online Dating?

So I have a confession...it isn't really anything huge, but it kind of is. Quite a few posts on this blog are about my frustrations with singleness and how much of a struggle it is for me. For many many years I always said I wouldn't do online dating. Something about it rubbed me wrong. I don't know why. I didn't care if others did it, but somehow I thought it would mean I wasn't trusting God to work His will. Well in a moment of spontaneity near the first of the year I signed up for an online dating site. Not only that, but I paid for six months of membership. I know right? This is craziness!

A couple friends have been saying I should do this for months, but I always shrugged it off. I'm a traditionalist when it comes to how a guy and girl should come together. I've loved the stories where they meet in the grocery store or the bank or some weird generic place. A place where he initiates the conversation with a possibly lame pick up line to start the conversation. Sappy and romantic right? And totally not equal with reality. Yes that happens to some people, but for the majority of the population I feel like it doesn't. I could be wrong about this though seeing as how I haven't been privy to every situation where a girl meets a guy.

See the only thing I've thought to base my perfect love story off of is movies and TV shows, and we all know that those are never based on reality. Instead I should base it off of God's Word. Last week my pastor had a great sermon about being single and how to prepare yourself for marriage. He used the story of Issac and Rebekkah as an example. It was nice, and a little painful, to be reminded of some things that I forget about in moments of frustration.

Maybe it was a moment of clarity from God instead of spontaneity that caused me to do it, I don't know. I could be totally off my rocker with that theory. Whatever the reason, I know I never would have done it otherwise. Sometimes I get really scared and think I should just forget it and never look at the site again. What if no one wants to get to know me? I'm not really the kind of girl that's going to contact a whole bunch of guys seeking someone out. I still want a guy to initiate the relationship. Well, I guess only time will tell what this will bring.

Perseverance in Healing

I recently was involved in a major car accident...the first ever. (Although I have been in several fender benders, but nothing causing injury.) I was asleep in the backseat, laying down with the passenger seat belt behind the driver securing me in. Not the smartest choice in where to buckle myself in, but at least I was buckled in. The seat belt was wrapped around my ribcage, so when the driver inadvertently fell asleep and crashed head first into a ditch I was folded in half at my ribcage upon impact. The Lord was definitely protecting us though. Thankfully I don't remember anything, what I know is based off of what my bruises tell me and the story of others who saw what happened. The driver only received a scrapped knee that didn't need stitches and a brush burn from the seat belt with some bruising. I got a lot of bruising around my ribcage and chest area and some on my legs. There were no broken bones for punctured organs. Praise Jesus! The pain was pretty intense on my part. I couldn't sit up because it felt like my chest was exploding and my muscles wouldn't hold me. Everything was tingling, not in a good way, and it took sheer will power and a lot of slow moving to do anything in the ER. At one point I wondered if what I was feeling was equivalent to childbirth, just in a different area. If so, then I got that down for later. Haha! I also realized my pain tolerance was pretty good, and that I am capable of handling a lot of pain without medication. And since the paramedics wanted tests to go more quickly they didn't give me any pain killers til right before I was leaving, which was good cause I didn't want to be there any longer than they wanted me there. So in the heat of the moment I can handle the pain and work through it...

That's not really the case with the healing process. It has been difficult to wake up every morning and hurt. It has been frustrating that I can't lay down to sleep, I have to sit up. I haven't been able to go to work or drive. Being dependent on people is hard for me, and it's something I've had to do. I just want to be comfortable. The healing has been faster than what the doctors said it would be due to a lot of prayers from family and friends going before the Lord about it. But it's still taking time, as all healing does. I was hoping that I could go back to work on Mon; I had it all planned out. I was gonna push through the discomfort, not make a huge deal about how I was feeling, act like I can do more than I actually can, and be alright to work. My plan didn't really go as I wanted. The doctors want to make sure I am really ok and that I won't injure myself again by going back to work.

All of this got me thinking. This is similar to what happens when I am spiritually wounded. I can take the pain. I play it like things don't hurt as much as they do and I push through it to do what I need to do. Relying on my own will power to get through something is my go-to strategy. But when it comes time for the healing part I have very little patience, and I become frustrated with the process and time it takes. I want it to be quick and easy so that I can move on and continue life. But it's never easy and even though it may move faster some times than others, it's never fast enough. I have to rely fully on God in healing because I can't heal myself; the wound limits what I can do so I have to rely on someone else to do things for me. It is hard to rely on God. It's hard to wait for the healing to be complete so that the wound doesn't get reopened by my rushing. I know I'm not the only person that reacts this way to healing. Healing isn't easy for anyone. And if you say it is, then I'm calling you out on lying. If it's easy, then it's not true healing. It takes perseverance to go through the healing process.

In the New King James version, perseverance is used 8 times. The verse that is most associated with this word is Rom 5:3-5
              "And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that
               tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character;
               and character, hope".
This is one of those verses that sometimes makes me want to throw the Bible and say "screw that". But that's beside the point. Seven out of the eight verses use one Greek word for perseverance, and the other verse a separate one. The first, which is used in the Romans verses just stated, comes from the word hupomone (hoop-om-on-ay') and means to have cheerful (or hopeful) endurance, constancy: enduring, patience, patient continuance (waiting). The second is proskarteresis (pros-kar-ter'-ay-sis) and means persistancy: perseverance.

Hmmm...it's interesting how God uses physical situations to teach me about spiritual things.

Provision

Praise be the Lord, He has given me a new job. It will pay everything I need except rent, which I don't have to pay with grandma. Four more days, that's it. They can't come fast enough.

As much as I know this is going to be a  hundred times better than the job I currently have, I am still nervous I made the wrong choice. There is still that doubt at times of "what if I dislike this job as well?". I don't think I can handle not loving the work I do yet again. There was only one thing I aspired to as a kid concerning a job - loving the work I do regardless of the finances. I know this new job will be way better than the last. I get to play with babies all day! So why is this fear still there about making the right choice? I don't want to doubt the path God has for me and whether I'm actually following it or not. Hmmm...more on this later maybe.

Am I Sarah?

My frustration with my current job has come to a head. The anxiety and stress has been increasing and I can't take it anymore. Usually I can convince myself to keep going with a job because I have loan payments to make. Even that is not convincing enough to want to stay right now. I often feel like the anxiety is too much to handle. Everything feels like its closing in and I can't get out. I get physically beat on at least twice a week by the children I work with. During rare behavior weeks it may only be once. The bruises and scratch marks from one week are barely healed before more are distributed on my arms and hands. I throw numerous blessings at the people that can do this job and still enjoy going to work every day...I can't do it. I have known that special education is not my forte and that I don't enjoy working in that field. Yet the last two jobs I've had and hated have been in special education. The story of Sarah (Abraham's wife...you all know the one. She acted on her own strength in will because she didn't believe God would provide a child in her old age.) has come up several times over the last couple weeks via friends posting in their blogs, a book I'm reading for lifegroup, or people talking about it. It got me thinking...have I acted like Sarah? Am I her?

I got the first job I hated at an adult group home because I was very aggressive in obtaining it due to the fear at not having a job once my student loans started up. I knew it would pay enough for me to at least be able to pay them with a little extra. I grew to hate the job very quickly. It was the first time I have ever hated a job. Working overnights was burning me out physically and emotionally. At one point I couldn't take it anymore, so I started looking for another job that would match the salary I was making or increase it.

The second job in special education I have gotten is with my current job. I knew it would be a hard job, but I wanted out so badly from the first one that I didn't care. I thought maybe it wasn't as bad as people said, and maybe I would be ok in it even though I do not do well in special education. It's only taken three months for absolutely hate going to work. My anxiety about being overpowered and seriously hurt by the 15-17 year olds I work with keeps increasing. My stress level at having to work with people who voiced disliking me is up there as well.

Here I am again at a point where I want and feel like I need to escape. Why did I go after these jobs anyway? I KNOW that I don't do well as a special education teacher. But because of fear that I won't able to pay loans, I've ignored that fact. Crap, I am a Sarah. I acted out of fear that God wouldn't provide. That He wouldn't bring a job when I most needed one. And here I am yet again needing to make a decision about what to do.

Teaching jobs in Elementary schools are very scarce in Western NY, but there are teachings jobs in Preschools and Day Cares. At one point in life I worked in a day care for almost four years. I absolutely loved it. It was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, but not everyone agreed that was the smartest way to go due to the lack of money associated with the job (which is a fair thing to point out). So I changed the plan a little. I left home and went to an out of state school to pursue elementary education. After all I would get better money in that field, and when would there ever be a shortage of teaching jobs? Teachers are always needed. I racked up quite a sum of debt and now I can't find a teaching job in a school. I don't know what to do. How do you stop being Sarah and start trusting?

God has promised provision; it says so in Phil 4:19 - But my God shall supply (a.k.a. provide) all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Thank goodness He is bigger than me and can undo anything I do. I just can't see how He's gonna fix my mess, and that's scary.

Confessions of a Single Girl

I've been thinking a lot lately about waiting for the perfect man. I've received several books about waiting and being virtuous during past Christmases. I have enjoyed reading each of those books, but there is something I've realized that each one has in common - they are all written by women who have dated a multitude of men and haven't found "him". The Chicken Soul books and ones similar to it are the same as well. Women who have dated again and again tell their readers how hard it has been and how hurt they have gotten. In no way am I demeaning that fact. I know that you get hurt every time a relationship ends, but what about the girls who have never dated and are struggling with that as well as waiting. I am and have been one such girl. I have not dated anyone or had a boyfriend my entire life. Reading the books about virtuosity and waiting were nice, interesting, and encouraging a little but they didn't really help me with my own situation. I know there are probably more girls out there who have dated many guys than those who haven't dated at all. For all those girls who are in their 20's and never dated, this is for you.

I have been told on numerous occasions by a couple people that I am better off not having my heart broken over and over again by old boyfriends. I feel as though it is assumed that I suffer less and am hurt less because I have never dated. Well guess what, that isn't true. Since I was 5 I have wanted to marry. In fact my life goal at one point was to be a wife and a mother; not college or a certain career, haha. Even though I have not dated yet, a similar hurt that is there when you end a relationship has been with me. On numerous occasions throughout my life I have been interested in different guys; since about kindergarten. I don't really remember times in my childhood (before 17 or 18) where I didn't consistently have a crush on someone. I desired love in the worst way. The crushes that I had were not simply a one week or month kind of thing either, when I had a crush it was for a long time. The longest crush I had on a guy was for 6 years. Each time I kept hoping and praying that they would love me in return. Just as a girl gives her heart away to her boyfriend when they are in that relationship, so did I. It wasn't something I meant to do or even realized I did while I was in the situation, but I realize it now. I would hope continually that my crush would like me back and tell me. I would walk in denial, convincing myself that the person was really madly in love with me and it would just take time for him tell me. It's crazy I know, but when you are desperate for something, being realistic doesn't really happen. Emotions take over and it's hard to convince the heart what the head knows to be true. At one point or another I would have to face the hard fact that the affection I had for the other person was not and would never be returned. Even though I was not in a relationship with that person, it was like I was going through a break up. The feelings of rejection and heartbreak were there and very real. I won't pretend I know what going through a break up with a boyfriend is, but based off of what I've seen with friends and heard from others I can pretty much guess what I felt was pretty similar.

I woke up one day and realized how much I was hurting myself by putting myself through these situations. It was all by my own doing. I was lowering my standards for any guy that would show the least bit of interest, and many of the guys I liked I would not go for again because I know how it has hurt me. I have high, what I sometimes feel like are too high, standards for my future husband.  They are Godly characteristics that I thought about in great detail over the years as I've grown. As I was thinking about these standards I realized that there is NO way I will ever be able to find the man for me on my own. God is the only one who can do it. Of course I've known this for a really long time, but knowing and "knowing" are two different things. Knowing is when you have knowledge of a fact in your head. But "knowing", is when you take that fact or piece of information and really believe it in your heart. (Sometimes it takes a while for this transition to occur.) Standards are something every girl should have. We each will differ in them, but we should all have them and refuse to back down for second best because we can't wait any longer. Easier said than done. Patience is a virtue, and a very hard one to attain; especially when you've waited years and years.

I don't want to act like I have it all set. I don't. I struggle with waiting all the time. Most of the time I'm ok with it, but sometimes I am not. I could say to every girl that is waiting for the right one that she just has to be patient and he will show up, but I know that frustrates me a lot when I hear it over and over again. It is true that he will come, eventually, but more important is how I need to go before God every day and give up the control of trying to find "him" on my own. I need to trust God to bring him to me (or me to him) in HIS OWN TIME. That's probably one of the hardest concepts - God's timing. We never know what it is or when He will do things. Sometimes it gets really frustrating because we want what we want when we want it. But no matter how much I a husband, I will always agree that if I wait for God , it will be sooooooo much more pleasurable and exciting and beautiful when it happens. Like jumping in a pool after you've worked all day outside in the hot sun. Yes, I probably will falter and make more mistakes. But God will always welcome me back into His timing and His plan. So if this is something you struggle with, take it before God. Ask a Goldy woman of your church to disciple you and be your spiritual authority. The change may not be instantaneous, but change will occur and it will slowly get easier. It's taken a long time for me to get where I am. (At one point I couldn't even talk to someone about this struggle and desire.) And I can't wait to see what God has in store for me over the next several years. I know it will be more than I can imagine.

Ps 130:5-6 "I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning ; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning"

Is 34:16 "Seek from the book of the LORD, and read : Not one of these will be missing ; None will lack its mate. For His mouth has commanded, And His Spirit has gathered them."

1 Cor. 7: 34-36 "The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit ; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.This I say for your own benefit ; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord. But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his virgin daughter, if she is past her youth, and if it must be so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin ; let her marry.

Seek diligently after the Lord while single, and He will provide for you a spouse.

"Knowledge without expectancy leads to dead religion."