The Paralytic

As I was out picking thimble berries this morning behind my Grandma's house, I was trying to think of some profound way that picking berries relates to God. There's a lot of different symbolism that could be used. However, there was no heavenly inspiration or thoughts. Eventually I stopped trying to come up with something and forcing the Holy Spirit to work His magic and give some revelation. So I just kept working my way through the berries...and then a thought came to me - 'look at how far you've come, there's no way you would have been out here comfortably picking berries last year'.

I started thinking about that and remembering where I used to be in life. A couple weeks back telling others your testimony was talked about in church, how we should be able to condense who we were before and after Jesus in a couple sentences. For example - Before I knew Jesus I...After Jesus I... . We practiced at the end of the sermon condensing our stories. Mine was "Before I knew Jesus I was paralyzed by fear, unable to move anywhere. After Jesus I found my strength in Him and moved forward despite the fear".

When I was a kid, going into the woods alone terrified me. I was scared to the point that any little noise from anything would induce the flight instinct in me and fear would grip my body. I never went anywhere outside the confines of our yard alone. The woods (or nature in general) and I did NOT get along. The possibility of a wild animal coming after me and eating me alive was always present. Even the thought of stumbling upon a snake in the woods petrified me. Funny enough (though not really) I lived in the middle of nowhere surrounded by woods for nine years of my life. And once nightfall hit, the woods went from being scary to being horrifying. Being left to take care of my siblings at night when my parents went to go pick my sister up from dance was torture. I would lock myself in my room and listen intently to every sound wondering if it was a serial killer or wild animal trying to get into the house.

Fear literally paralyzed me from being able to do anything. I couldn't call anyone on the phone for fear of getting the wrong number or running out of things to say. For a long time I wouldn't even talk with someone on the phone even if they called me. I wasn't ok with leaving my mom's side in the grocery store to get an item from the next isle over because I was afraid she'd forget me and leave me there. There were so many things I couldn't do because of fear. (But the important one here is the whole issue with being in the woods alone.)

Thinking about how I had chosen the word 'paralyzed' got me thinking about the story of the paralytic in Luke 5. The summary of this story is there was a man who was paralyzed. His friends climbed on the roof and lowered him down, and Jesus healed him. Verse twenty is quite interesting - "When He saw their faith, He said to him, "Man, your sins are forgiven you" - then later on Jesus heals him. Jesus didn't heal this man because he believed it could happen. Jesus healed him because his friends had great faith in what He could do. They brought him to Jesus and they had faith when the man had none. His friends saw he needed help and gladly came to his assistance. 

I was like that man. I wanted to be free from the paralyzing fear, but I didn't believe it could happen. At one point I remember thinking with dread that I was going to be fearful in everything for my entire life and that was scary. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't have any faith that it could get better. For many years I tried to not be so afraid by myself, and things got a tiny bit less fearful but it was still there. It wasn't until I really got involved with a church and had people who came after me to help me, even when I pushed them away, that things started to get better. And yet I still didn't believe that fear wouldn't rule over me anymore. 

Then I went to college and got my butt kicked by God, a well deserved and much needed butt whooping. People who cared about me stood in the gap and prayed for me and had faith when I had none and could only see that fear was still there, even when it was getting better. I started becoming aware of when fear would come around and how to fight it off. 

From the time I was 18, God has been strengthening me with His strength and bringing His confidence into my life. Every year it increases...Praise the Lord! He kept bringing it in even though I couldn't see the progress and was very negative about things changing. I wholeheartedly believe that it was because of the faith others had for me that the changed really took place. And although my healing wasn't instantaneous as the paralytic, it has come. Fear is not completely gone, but it is very minimally there and even when it comes I am able to act regardless of it. Fear only has as much hold as I allow it to have.

So going back to the picking berries. This whole thought process occurred as I was standing out in the woods, by myself, tangled up in thorns bushes open to any attack if a wild animal or estranged human came around, and I was ok. I was listening to music for a little while because I love being in the presence of God and not to drown out the sounds of nature around me as I did last year when picking berries. I wasn't rushing to avoid the possibility of spooking an animal and only sticking to the path in case I got stuck in the bushes and couldn't get out. After a while I turned the music off and just walked around enjoying where I was and what I was doing. I climbed through everything and there was no fear of being overtaken by an animal even though I know there have been bear sightings. It was peaceful.  

An intense desire to share with the world about my testimony of no longer being paralyzed came over me. So here I am sharing with any who will read. There is freedom from fear. I did something today I wouldn't have ever dreamed I would be able to do. Jesus holds the keys to freedom, and it might take years to be completely free as it has taken me. Or you could be freed right now. Don't give up. God won't look over you because you are lacking in faith. He didn't overlook the paralytic or see him as unworthy. There are people around you who will have faith for you even when you don't. 

I keep hearing God say to me, "Look at how far you have come".

I am no longer a paralytic!!!! 

Oh Spring!

The deliciousness of spring has been lingering around western NY the past couple days. It has been so wonderful!!! The sun has been out, mud is coming up everywhere, and the temperature is in the 40's. Since it's been so cold we don't notice that it actually really isn't that warm out. It feels so good to sense and smell spring ahead. However, it is short-lived. Snow is predicted to come over the weekend and the temperature to drop. :(. It's these little glimpses of hope that the torture of cold weather will end that get us through the bitterness of the rest of the season. It's what God does at times. When we go through a rough patch in life where life seems to be throwing us storm after storm or we're going through a dry patch in life, He throws us a little taste of what it's like after the storm or desert. Our hope is rejuvenated in His faithfulness and we continue on through the trial seeing more of the big picture than before with our faith built up even just the slightest amount.

Finding a job after college is done is no fun. It's tedious and very discouraging when every place you go to turns you down. When you have issues with rejection this does not add the joy of finding a career job, or any job for that matter. It's been hard for me to find a job. I get really discouraged when employers don't even want to consider me for a position. But God has reminded me of the big picture and shown that He is faithful. Nothing is set in any way, but the fact that someone wants to interview me for a consistent full-time position is amazing. It gives me hope that I am worthy of working in the professional world and there are employers that will want me. I can do it, and He will provide.

Confessions of a Single Girl

I've been thinking a lot lately about waiting for the perfect man. I've received several books about waiting and being virtuous during past Christmases. I have enjoyed reading each of those books, but there is something I've realized that each one has in common - they are all written by women who have dated a multitude of men and haven't found "him". The Chicken Soul books and ones similar to it are the same as well. Women who have dated again and again tell their readers how hard it has been and how hurt they have gotten. In no way am I demeaning that fact. I know that you get hurt every time a relationship ends, but what about the girls who have never dated and are struggling with that as well as waiting. I am and have been one such girl. I have not dated anyone or had a boyfriend my entire life. Reading the books about virtuosity and waiting were nice, interesting, and encouraging a little but they didn't really help me with my own situation. I know there are probably more girls out there who have dated many guys than those who haven't dated at all. For all those girls who are in their 20's and never dated, this is for you.

I have been told on numerous occasions by a couple people that I am better off not having my heart broken over and over again by old boyfriends. I feel as though it is assumed that I suffer less and am hurt less because I have never dated. Well guess what, that isn't true. Since I was 5 I have wanted to marry. In fact my life goal at one point was to be a wife and a mother; not college or a certain career, haha. Even though I have not dated yet, a similar hurt that is there when you end a relationship has been with me. On numerous occasions throughout my life I have been interested in different guys; since about kindergarten. I don't really remember times in my childhood (before 17 or 18) where I didn't consistently have a crush on someone. I desired love in the worst way. The crushes that I had were not simply a one week or month kind of thing either, when I had a crush it was for a long time. The longest crush I had on a guy was for 6 years. Each time I kept hoping and praying that they would love me in return. Just as a girl gives her heart away to her boyfriend when they are in that relationship, so did I. It wasn't something I meant to do or even realized I did while I was in the situation, but I realize it now. I would hope continually that my crush would like me back and tell me. I would walk in denial, convincing myself that the person was really madly in love with me and it would just take time for him tell me. It's crazy I know, but when you are desperate for something, being realistic doesn't really happen. Emotions take over and it's hard to convince the heart what the head knows to be true. At one point or another I would have to face the hard fact that the affection I had for the other person was not and would never be returned. Even though I was not in a relationship with that person, it was like I was going through a break up. The feelings of rejection and heartbreak were there and very real. I won't pretend I know what going through a break up with a boyfriend is, but based off of what I've seen with friends and heard from others I can pretty much guess what I felt was pretty similar.

I woke up one day and realized how much I was hurting myself by putting myself through these situations. It was all by my own doing. I was lowering my standards for any guy that would show the least bit of interest, and many of the guys I liked I would not go for again because I know how it has hurt me. I have high, what I sometimes feel like are too high, standards for my future husband.  They are Godly characteristics that I thought about in great detail over the years as I've grown. As I was thinking about these standards I realized that there is NO way I will ever be able to find the man for me on my own. God is the only one who can do it. Of course I've known this for a really long time, but knowing and "knowing" are two different things. Knowing is when you have knowledge of a fact in your head. But "knowing", is when you take that fact or piece of information and really believe it in your heart. (Sometimes it takes a while for this transition to occur.) Standards are something every girl should have. We each will differ in them, but we should all have them and refuse to back down for second best because we can't wait any longer. Easier said than done. Patience is a virtue, and a very hard one to attain; especially when you've waited years and years.

I don't want to act like I have it all set. I don't. I struggle with waiting all the time. Most of the time I'm ok with it, but sometimes I am not. I could say to every girl that is waiting for the right one that she just has to be patient and he will show up, but I know that frustrates me a lot when I hear it over and over again. It is true that he will come, eventually, but more important is how I need to go before God every day and give up the control of trying to find "him" on my own. I need to trust God to bring him to me (or me to him) in HIS OWN TIME. That's probably one of the hardest concepts - God's timing. We never know what it is or when He will do things. Sometimes it gets really frustrating because we want what we want when we want it. But no matter how much I a husband, I will always agree that if I wait for God , it will be sooooooo much more pleasurable and exciting and beautiful when it happens. Like jumping in a pool after you've worked all day outside in the hot sun. Yes, I probably will falter and make more mistakes. But God will always welcome me back into His timing and His plan. So if this is something you struggle with, take it before God. Ask a Goldy woman of your church to disciple you and be your spiritual authority. The change may not be instantaneous, but change will occur and it will slowly get easier. It's taken a long time for me to get where I am. (At one point I couldn't even talk to someone about this struggle and desire.) And I can't wait to see what God has in store for me over the next several years. I know it will be more than I can imagine.

Ps 130:5-6 "I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning ; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning"

Is 34:16 "Seek from the book of the LORD, and read : Not one of these will be missing ; None will lack its mate. For His mouth has commanded, And His Spirit has gathered them."

1 Cor. 7: 34-36 "The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit ; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.This I say for your own benefit ; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord. But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his virgin daughter, if she is past her youth, and if it must be so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin ; let her marry.

Seek diligently after the Lord while single, and He will provide for you a spouse.

"Knowledge without expectancy leads to dead religion."