Gahhhhh!

Things are sooooo busy with the semester ending in only two weeks (woohooo!) so unfortunately I haven't had time to pen down all the thoughts and things happening. But I promise to do so when Christmas is here =D

Around and Around and Around...

Over the past several months I have been feeling restricted. It's been a struggle. I get frustrated because I feel like my relationship with God isn't moving. It's as though I'm on a path that keeps going around in circles. When it seems like maybe I've gotten away from a certain mindset or issue, it just comes back again. This has frustrated me beyond what I feel I can handle sometimes. I know that God has changed my heart over the years, and I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. But that feeling of still being in the same ruts is wearisome. Over this past weekend I went away on a retreat. There were many things I could talk about that went through my mind, but there is one thing that particularly pertains to this. During one of the talks, it was brought up that Satan uses the same tactic over and over again to take us off the path God has for us. He doesn't change it up at all. In fact when he tempted Jesus in the desert, Satan used the same scheme. And when Jesus wouldn't give in, the Bible says Satan "left Him until an opportune time", meaning he would be coming back to tempt Jesus again. That struck me. I had never thought of that before. Is this why I feel like I am going in circles all the time? A picture was drawn of an arrow in a straight line that represents God's destiny for us. Then little arrows were draw off of the big arrow at different intervals. The small arrows were Satan's attempts to get us off the path God has for us. Maybe instead of going in circles, I just keep falling for that same scheme that is thrown at me. It still seems just as depressing though. At this point, shouldn't I be able to recognize when I'm heading for that bunny trail and prevent myself from feeling like I have to start over again. Each time it's happened my desire for control over that certain area grows. I didn't even realize it until now. Me going off on those trails has made my heart be less and less willing to trust God in everything. My heart belongs to God, or at least most of it. I have to come to terms with giving it all up and trusting in Him completely. I want to, but I don't want to. I'm terrified and immensely scared of what will happen, but I know that if I don't His plan for me will never fully come to pass. He's waiting for me to give it all up. I don't know how because I've held on to it for so long, but I've decided I will find out how. I don't want to be restricted any more. I want out of this feeling forever. I want Him to be enough for me, to be my best friend, and I want to be in His will completely...even if it is terrifying at first.

Comebacks

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2009/10/comebacks/

This is really interesting. I know that's not describing it very well, but read what he has to say and I bet you'll think a similar thing as well. =D

Change

Pulling...
Stretching...
Like a rubber band,
Being pulled and maneuvered.
Ideas shifting,
Thoughts being thought differently,
It hurts
But I know it will be worth it in the end

Big Impact

It's hard for me to put into words what I thought when I saw this. All I could think of was "wow". So challenging and inspiring.

Hallelujah (Light has Come)

Beautiful song

Hmmm...

I know I haven't posted in a loooooong time, but it's because I've been thinking a lot and pondering so many things. Everything hasn't come together yet, but I know it will. And when it does, I'll let you know what I've been thinking. =D

-_-

I'm so frustrated with life lately. *sigh

anti depression vdeo

If you thought the laughing baby was funny, you'll enjoy this. Best video ever!

Huh?

I was sitting in class today, when one of the girls in my class started sharing a story about a nightmare she had last night; it was about the engagement ring she has been hoping to get. In her dream, her boyfriend had given her a small diamond ring (like the size of a stud earring) that she said had a red ring around the diamond. She laughed about it and then said, "but seriously, if he gives me that small a ring in real life, I will say no". I turned to her and said "really?!" She went on to explain that she was dead serious and that she wouldn't accept anything less than a 2 karat, princess cut, in a white gold band ring. This is not the first time I've heard a girl say this, but none of them, until now, have been so specific about what they will accept. What has happened to the world? Is love no longer important to get married, but the type of ring will decide whether you decide to marry someone? That is sickening to me.

Unexpected Word

I have been meaning to write about this for some time, but something has seemed to come up, or I couldn't come up with the right words to write this.

One Tuesday night, a man with the gift of prophecy came to Christ Community to talk. He is also a musician. It was amazing. I could tell the Lord was there when he first started worship; you just could feel His presence. This man's wife sang and his son played electric guitar with him. His son is a very talented guitar player. There was no sheet music he was following; he was just free styling it as his Dad played the melody. It was so beautiful and wonderful to hear them.

After the music and him teaching on being caught in the middle, he said if anyone wanted prayer they should come up to the front and he would pray over you. At first I wasn't sure if that meant we were all supposed to go up or only some people. After thinking about it for a second I decided I wanted to go up, but I was a little scared to (for silly reasons). It was partly cause I wasn't sure I would like what I would hear, but my curiosity won over my fear. I wanted to know he would say to me.

It took a really long time for the guy to pray for everyone. I was right around the end, so I had time to prepare for what might be said to me. I was hoping it would be something profound, something about my future or certain desires and the timing of their fulfillment. In actuality, it was about the complete opposite of that. The whole thing was recorded, but I did not get a CD, so what I have to share is what I wrote down right after I was prayed for. So here is the basic gist of what was said: (I wish I could show you how my notes are for this cause they are all over, but I'm organizing it for you. =D)

"Back in the Bible days Israel used these huge, like 40,000 tons, stones to make the foundations of the temples. They would move them into place and hand chisel the pillars. You have these big blocks for a foundation. The blocks for the foundation are moving, but they move slowly. Wait and be patient. It takes time; they're not just something you can pick up and move quickly even though you may want that to happen. The foundation is being moved so that something strong can be built on it. Talk to God and share your heart with Him; spend time with Him. PATIENCE!"

When I heard I had to be patient, I sighed and gave a little chuckle. It was frustrating and encouraging all at the same time. Frustrating because I wanted so badly to know something really important and be enlightened about where my life was going; and that is not what I was told. But encouraged because it clarified something I've struggled with about myself. Often times I wonder if God is changing me in any way. A lot of my friends will be able to point out exactly what God is doing in their lives all the time. It has seemed like God is always working in other peoples lives, but it hasn't really appeared like God is doing anything in mine. There are a couple times where that hasn't been the case, but for the most part I feel like I progress really slowly in my relationship with God compared to others. Now it makes sense, kind of. It has helped me to understand why I feel like that, but not why I have been chosen to have my life work that way. SO frustration and some encouragement. And because I have that innate desire to know everything, it makes sense why I would be told to be patient. *sigh -_- lol!

A Sacrifice

A while back, like a long time, an email was sent to me with a story attatched from a pastor. Unfortunately I can't find the email (I must've deleted it by accident), but I remember the story because it left a big impression in my mind. Tonight I was thinking of this story. The story is told by the pastor and it goes something like this...

A man, his son, and the son's friend went out for a fishing trip. (If not fishing, it was something where they were out in water.) During the trip a storm came upon the little boat. Both the son and friend fell overboard. The father was trying to help both of them back onto the boat, but he couldn't do it. He could only save one of the boys. The father had a choice to make, did he help his only son and let the friend die, or did he help the friend and let his only son die. The father knew his son was a Christian and that he would eventually see him again one day, and the he knew the friend wasn't a Christian. So what did he do? He yelled goodbye to his son and helped the friend into the boat. His son drowned, to save the life of someone who didn't know God.

This is a very condensed version of the story, but the point is the father let his only son die so that the non-Christian friend wouldn't. The pastor who told this story was the friend of the son. Because of the father's sacrifice, he gave his life to God. He used this story in his sermon to get the point across about what God did for us when He allowed His only son to die for us so that we could be saved. It struck me as a very interesting and thought provoking way to describe the sacrifice God made for us.

Different Perspective

So I'm gonna do that really annoying thing where I take something secular and turn it into something Christian when it's not. I know there are Christians that hate it when other Christians do that, but I've been thinking about this for a while and it's something I need share.

Here is Taylor Swifts song "You Belong with Me"

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesnt like
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standin by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.

Can't you see that I'm the one who understand you?
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that
You belong with me
You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with me

Since being introduced to it by a friend, I've listened to it several times and I must admit that I love this song. While one day I was listening to it, a thought occured to me; this describes God. Call me crazy and stretching it a little, but it's true. The song is about a girl who isn't popular. Instead she's just an average girl. She knows everything about him and how to comfort him. But he wants the popular girl and the 'fun' even though there seems to be a lot of hardship that comes along with that. The girl isn't pushy. She just waits for the time when the guy will realize what she has to offer him. God is the same in many ways. He isn't the really flashy popular girl who causes all the heartache. He's the one who is always there to comfort us, the one who knows everything about us. All He wants is for us to realize that sin may be fun to have a relationship with, but she has a lot of problems and causes a lot of heartache. If only we would turn to Him and devote ourselves to loving Him, everything would work out and we would always be joyful. just as Taylor keeps trying to tell her neighbor she loves him, God keeps trying to let us know how much He loves us. But we keep going back to the popular girl, and we turn our eyes away from the signs that He is placing in the window. So yeah, those are some of my thoughts about this song.

Cooties

hahahahahahahahaha!

Children see. Children Do.

Wow. Definitely makes you think.

4th of July

I love how the first one that goes off. I didn't realize I had captured it until later <3

Expectations

I was sent this by a friend. Over the past couple months, God has been letting me know how much I need to trust Him. The subject of Trust has been coming up all over the place. While at Reverent (a worship night that a church in Akron, NY hosts), the pastor talked about expecting things in trust instead of just hoping that maybe God will come through. The next day, my friend Kerri (who was not at Reverent the night before) sent me something about expecting as well. I thought I would share with everyone because it is a powerful reminder.

*********
Raise Your Expectation
Creflo Dollar

I often tell my congregation, “Expectation is the breeding ground for miracles.” In order to receive from the Lord, we must expect Him to show up and show out in our lives. Without a fervent sense of expectancy, all we are doing is taking part in religious exercises that have no power behind them. It is time for Believers to start expecting God to do some great and mighty things in our lives.

Many Christians pray, read their Bibles, go to church, and serve in various capacities in ministry, but when it comes to the promises of God leaping off the pages of the Bible and manifesting in their lives, their faith levels are really low. They say they believe but they really do not, nor do they really expect God to come through on His Word. This is not the way Christians should live.

God wants us to release our faith for everything we need and desire. He wants you to expand your capacity to receive by believing Him for BIG things! When you read a scripture from His Word, and receive it in your heart, without doubt, you should absolutely expect it to come to pass. There should be no question in your mind that what God said is exactly what He will do.
I like the example of the man at the Gate called Beautiful, in the book of Acts.

Acts 3:2-5 recounts the scene:

“And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple; Who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked alms. And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, Look on us. And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them.”

This man received his healing because he expected to get something from Peter and John. He had his neck outstretched and his faith engaged. As a result, he was able to leap to his feet.

I wonder how many Christians could have already experienced the manifestation of the things they are believing from the Word, if only they would walk in unwavering expectation. There are no limits to what God can do, and if you can believe for what seems impossible, He will do it.

Expectation also means dreaming big. Do not limit God because of what your past experiences have been, or based on what others may say. Sometimes you will have to get “out of the box” so to speak, in order to receive bigger and better things from God. If you can find it in the Word of God, and you have the faith for it, you will possess it. You are not waiting on God; He is waiting on you! Walk in expectation and watch your dreams become a reality.

Scripture References

Mark 11:23
Acts 3:2-5
Mark 10:27

Operation Beautiful

Touching...very touching

Visit www.OperationBeautiful.com to read the latest notes =D

Let Me be Your Wings, Let Me be Your Only Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg4w-q6GSW8

So I had this thought today as I was listening to this song on the way home. This is what God is saying to us. He wants us to let Him take us places we've never been before and trust wholeheartedly in Him no matter what. One particlar part of the song stands out in this aspect. As the Prince is flying Thumbelina around, he tells her he won't let her fall and then he lets her go. She starts falling but acts completely unafraid. She trusts that he won't let her fall and he will be there to catch her. And he does catch her and keep her from falling. God wants us to trust in Him the same way Thumbelina trusted the Prince. He's calling out to us asking us to "let Him be our wings" and all He wants is for us to say yes "you will be my wings" with utter devotion and trust. He will never let us fall.

Trust

Trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust . . .

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."
Psalm 62:8

Like a Balance Beam

There's a fine line you tread as a young adult. A line I've been searching the limits of since I've left home for college. It's a line discerning adult from child, where you have to figure out how to be your own person and live your life the way you think it should be lived and still honor and respect your parents. You find out your parents don't know you as well as they think they do, and you realize their advise is not always the best advise. You're searching, searching to find that balance so your relationship with them is not ruined or hurt forever.

All in 24 Hours

Yesterday morning I would have never guessed that mine and my family's lives would change so much. He started off the day so well. Both my grandparents went to the fairgrounds to work. My grandma stayed for most of the day, while my grandpa went back to the house around 11. He started feeling dizzy, but didn't think anything of it. Over the last several months, he had a lot of problems with getting his medication right. He didn't think it was anything but a bad reaction. Around 1:30 pm he couldn't move the left side of his body. He tried calling my uncles and grandma, but he couldn't get ahold of anyone. At 1:45 he called me. Why it didn't occur to me that he needed to call 911, I don't know. He told me he didn't feel well, that he couldn't get ahold of anyone, and that he couldn't get off the couch. He didn't ask me to come out and help him, but I told him I was coming as soon as I could. At the time I had bread baking in the oven and couldn't leave it. I turned the oven up to make it cook faster and left as soon as I could, not realizing the severity of the situation.

I drove as fast as the cars in front of me would allow, hoping that a cop wouldn't show up. I was almost to the house when my uncle called and told me a helicopter was coming to air lift him to the hospital. I saw it flying towards the house. When I got to the driveway, there were so many cars there. My uncles had arrived about 15 minutes before I did. They found him on the floor where he had rolled off the couch and couldn't get up. Immediately they called 911. I am so thankful that they got there before me, because I wouldn't have known what to do. When he heard my voice, my grandfather wanted to see me. It hurt to look at him and watch as the EMT's worked to help him. I went over and let him know that I was there, and then I had to call me Mom and let her know what was going on. The helicopter flew off to Strong Memorial and we all left for the hospital.

We arrived at the Emergency room, not sure what to expect. We knew that he'd had a stroke, but that was all. For 5 hours we waited in the emergency room, waiting to find out some answers. Because there were no rooms available, and because of his state, my grandpa stayed in the trauma unit of the ER most of the night. The doctors heavily sedated him and put in a breathing tube because he couldn't breath on his own. In two's, we were allowed into the Trauma unit to see him. He couldn't talk to us but they said he could hear. I only went back once. It was so awful. He was helpless and I didn't know what to do or say to him. It felt weird talking to him and I wasn't sure I was allowed to touch him because of all the machines he was hooked up to. So I just stood there and watched him. After 5 hours of waiting to hear something and being told nothing, we all left the hospital hoping that he would get better through the night. We would find nothing more out until the neurologist came and looked at him.

My grandma didn't really sleep much last night, and mine was a restless sleep. I heard the phone ring early in the morning and was awake right away. The doctor had called and said we needed to get there as soon as possible. At 6 o'clock in the morning we headed for the hospital again. This time every family member that was in the area came. We waited again in the hospital for 3 hours, this time upstairs in the ICU, to hear what exactly was going on in full detail. Finally we were told. My grandpa had a blood vessel burst in his brain, which caused the stroke. Due to the fact that he had an extremely high level of kumodin (?) - blood thinner - in his system, the hemorrhage that had occurred was not able to clot and stop bleeding. The doctors had put a shunt in his brain the night before, and at first he had been reacting to it very well. He was alert and able to communicate somewhat with those around him. But sometime in the early morning, things had gone very wrong. The shunt stopped working and his brain became filled with blood cause pressure in his skull. He became brain dead and so they put him on life support. Now he could no longer hear us, feel us when we touched him, or know what was going on around him at all. We had a choice to make - go through with a surgery that would only have a 50-50 chance of working, or pull the plug. If we went through with the surgery, there would be a very high chance that he would stay paralyzed the rest of his life on his left side and he would need assisted living or a nursing home. Grandpa had clearly stated when his mother was going through the process of dying that he never wanted to be in a nursing home, he would rather be dead.

My grandpa was a very independent man. He was involved in many activities and couldn't sit still for very long. He liked being outside going places. For the next two hours, we debated if the chance that he would be ok was valid enough to try the surgery. Throughout this whole process I had been calling my Mom frequently giving her updates on what was going on since she and the family live in VT. family members kept going in to see him, but I couldn't. It was too hard to see him hooked up to everything and have that as my last memory of him. It was bad enough seeing him the day before the way he was.

The hemorrhaging got worse and his condition was failing fast. We had to make our decision. They gave us a conference room and we sat down with the doctor to sign the paperwork. We decided to take him off life support. It's what he wanted, and as hard as that was, it had to be done. The paperwork seemed to take forever. Everyone was trying hard not to break down and hold it together. The family said their goodbyes and the doctors asked them to leave. After they shut the machines off, it was only a matter of minutes. At 12:26 pm on May 31, 2009, my grandpa, Clarence Preston, died. I stayed in the conference room drawing and hoping that he would be able to live in Heaven. Just as I finished my drawing, my cousin came in and said he had died. I drew him a house with a picket fence, a garden, a tree with a tire swing, a mailbox, a dog house, and a dog. It may seem silly, but I hope that is what he has to live in if he's in Heaven.

Then came the hardest part of the whole experience. I had to call my Mom and tell her, her Dad was dead. She knew it was going to happen, but she didn't know when. I thought I would be able to hold it together for her, but I couldn't. As soon as I said he was gone, I broke into tears with my Mom. Together we cried on the phone because that was the only comfort we could give each other.

Everyone said their goodbyes to each other and headed for home. Everything felt so surreal as though I was in a dream and all I had to do was wake up and it would be ok. I couldn't handle staying with my grandma at the house, so I left as soon as we got back to the house. I know I should've been there with her and the family, but I just couldn't. I felt sick to my stomach and had the biggest migraine ever. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and go to sleep, which is what I did when I got to back to Brockport. It still feels like a dream somewhat. Like none of it really happened, but I know it did. My aching head and sleep deprived body won't let me forget it.

I wonder if he could have been saved if someone had got to him sooner. If I had told him to call 911 when he had called me. His death is very similar to his brothers. When my great grandpa Preston died a long time ago (I was only 3 I think), my grandpa's brother Larry died 4 months later of a brain aneurysm. My great grandma Preston died a little over 5 months ago. Now my grandpa is dead because a blood vessel burst in his brain causing a stroke. Their deaths are very similar, except Larry was found dead in his house.

Tomorrow we are going to the funeral home to make plans. My family will be here Thursday, and the funeral will be sometime after that. My sister Erica is in India and has no idea what is going on due to the fact that she is in a city right now where internet and phone service are unavailable.

How our lives change in just 24 hours.

Something I've Wanted to Tell You for a While

I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, but do you really have to make me feel like a failure and the worst person ever. I'm sorry I didn't get ahold of you the minute I walked in the door of my house. I figured if there was such an issue, you would have gotten ahold of me. You know my email and phone number just as well as I know yours. But why, why did you have to treat me like you did tonight? I called to talk and let you know everything was going well. Instead, you let me know how angry you are at me and you pass the phone off becuase you can't stand to hear my voice. You really hurt me tonight. I feel like I will never do anything that will make you happy.

You hate the fact that I'm not living at home or with my Grandparents. You haven't supported me in my decision to live on my own this summer, and when I call home I can hear you yelling in the background to the phone blaming the amount of debt I have on the fact that I'm renting a house for the summer. DO YOU REALZE THAT I WOULD BE IN DEBT REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I WENT TO SCHOOL IN VERMONT OR HERE?!?!?!?!?! AND MY LIVING IN BROCKPORT HAS N.O.T.H.I.N.G TO DO WITH MY DEBT!!!!!!!!!!! Just so you know, I didn't get any financial aid when I applied to schools around home either. So I would've had to take out loans there as well, and been in just as much or more debt. By the way, I love it here. Brockport feels like a home to me while your house no longer does.

I'll never be good enough or do the right things will I? Will you always say that I'm old enough to make my own decisions but then constantly let me know that I'm a disappointment because I didn't make the decision you would have liked? Every time you're angry at me, you wait a week or more so that you're boiling and then you let me know what it is I've done to deserve such wrath. Meanwhile I have no idea what you're thinking because you don't say when you're upset, so I figure everything's fine and dandy. You can be so great sometimes, but then other times you are so bipolar. I don't think you realize how much of an affect your words have on me. I'm sorry I'm such a failure as your daughter.

How Much of a Sap am I?

I've never been to a graduation before. In high school I was mostly home schooled and so I got my GED instead of graduating (a decision I regret). When I was in high school I didn't have any true friends from my town (partly from my own fault). You just don't make those important connections as well with people in high school. I've heard countless stories of girls who had several best friends all throughout their high school, where they told each other everything and spent every moment they could together. But when they got to college, their ways split and the friendship that seemed to be so strong, completely broke apart. People grow up and change so much when in college. Friendships that are made usually stay true and strong even when you part ways at graduation.

Saturday was the first graduation I have ever witnessed. Sitting on the bleachers in the heat and blazing UV rays I watched most of the people I've made connections with over the last two years walk onto a stage and receive the 'diploma' they've worked so hard for (some more than others)the last four years of their lives. It was touching and moving, and at one point I wasn't sure I would be able to stop the tears that were threatening to come back. Call me a sap, but the love and pride I felt watching my friends walk across that stage really affected me.

There was a mixture of happiness and sadness. Happiness because they've finally reached the end (for many) of their educational career. And even if they don't know what they're going to do in life, I know they will affect each and every person they come in contact with whether they realize that themselves or not. Each one of those people has something special and important about them that no one else has. But sadness because they are leaving and going on with their lives. No longer will I be able to see them every day on campus or get together with them and have lunch in the dining hall. Some of the friendships I know will stay strong, and others I wish I had more time to strengthen the bond between us.

Then something hit me - I am going to be where they are in exactly one year. I will be the one sitting on the edge of my seat waiting in excitement and anticipation for the speakers to get on with their speeches so that I can have my two seconds of fame as I walk up that stage and receive what I have been working so hard at; the end of the tunnel. It's so close it's scary. I started thinking about who I would sit with, if I would have anyone to sit with, if people would clap for me as I walked up, would I have as much fun as it appears everyone else is having, would i be an emotional wreck. And all of this went through my head in like three seconds. The biggest question - would I even be able to find a job.

It was a wonderful ceremony, except the old lady who talked about the Soviet Union and the Arab nation. (Don't now what that had to do with the graduates. She didn't say what the connection was. lol!) The rain held off and the speeches were heartfelt and short. I had every intention of going to the reception afterwards and trying (I say trying because there were thousands of people there) to find all my friends and congratulate them. As I left the bleachers and started walking towards the Tuttle North gym, I couldn't do it. I was literally going to ball my eyes out if I said good-bye to the graduates I knew. My heart was overwhelmed with so many emotions and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I turned and walked away from the gym as the tears ran down my face hoping that no one would notice. I mean, who cries at a graduation? Really. Apparently I do. Haha! And I'm ok with that as long as no one sees =D. Oh dear, what will I be like during MY graduation?

8 Things I Want in 8 Years

(I stole this from Kerri =D)


1. For God to place me with Mr. Right (hopefully this will happen in less than 8 years)

2. To have most or all of my loans paid off (this is a dream big one, definitely)

3. To be working in a job that I absolutely love

4. Live in a house that always has children and youth in it

5. Have a front porch with a porch swing =D

6. To have traveled to Europe with someone special

7. To still have lunch and dinner dates with my girlfriends

8. For my parents to be completely out of debt and have the abillity to retire

Present Day Samson

I have always looked at Samson as the victim. The one who was seduced by Delilah and tempted time and time again until he finally gave in. But ya know what? He wasn't a victim at all. In fact he was the antagoniser. He invited everything that happened to him.

Samson was a physically strong person. Afterall, it's not everyday you find a man that can kill a thousand men with just a donkey jaw bone. God provided Samson with his strength and there was only one requirement: he was to never cut his hair. Even though Samson was really strong physically, he was very weak when it came to women. "Now Samson went to Gaza and saw a harlot there, and went into her" (Judges 16:1). Women were his downfall, or struggle. He married a woman who was not Jewish, which wasn't Jewish tradition. He gave into his struggle because it was easier than fighting against it. Sin is fun in the moment, and it's easier to give into it than to go against it. To go against sin we have to rely on God's strength and not our own, and Samson wasn't relying on God. As a result, he told his precious secret to a woman who's virtue was less than admirable. He invited the pain and sorrow that came with giving away his secret. His sin caught up with him and dragged him far away from God.

We are just like Samson sometimes. There are struggles we have in our lives where we can choose to give into them or fight against them with God's strength. Friday night, Chad and Rob talked about us being Samson. There are things we hold onto and feel like we can't live without. They are addictions of strong desires that we don't give up to God. Eventually those same things we feel we can't live without will destroy us, just like it did Samson.

I have definitely had my Samson seasons. Times where I couldn't let go of something I thought I couldn't live without. Where I was relying on my own strength instead of God's. Some of those times, it almost destroyed me just as it did Samson.

"With Him are strength and sound wisdom..." Job 12:16a

"For You have girded me with strength for battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me." Pslam 18:39

"The Lord is their strength, and He is a saving defense to His annointed." Psalm 28:8

"You will pull me out of the net that they have secretly laid, for You are my strength." Psalm 31:4

"But the slavation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in time of trouble." Psalm 37:39

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." Psalm 105:4

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31

Ten Things I would Like to Say to Ten People

1. I hope my husband doesn't say some of the things you say to her. Cause believe it or not, those words really do hurt.

2. I know I could've come to you, but I really wanted to know that you cared enough to come to me and see if I was really ok.

3. What was so wrong with me?!

4. You helped me so much, but then you hurt me even more.

5. It saddens me to see how much we've grown apart.

6. Would it hurt you to respect me just a little?

7. Your words hurt me for a long time. When I found out how your life went down the tubes, I was kind of glad.

8. Even though I showed the opposite, I was really excited when you proposed to me. And even though I said no, I really wanted to say yes.

9. Lately, you have really been pissing me off.

10. How could it be that you never wanted it but got it, and I've always wanted it and haven't? I am jealous of you sometimes.

Where's the Love?

Two women walk into the room to survey the scene. One is young and petite while the other is older, taller, and a little plump. A table lies upside down on the floor with chairs tipped over and papers scattered. The young woman is the mother but the elder, which is the grandma, clearly has more authority in their household. The girl can't be more than 25 and the grandmother no more than 45. The child who created the mess sits in a chair a little ways off crying as he waits for them to come. The mother stands back and lets her mother take charge. Once the grandmother questions the boy, he looks around nervously as if not knowing what to say. At first the conversation between them is pleasant. No threats are made and all seems pleasant. Maybe this family is different than the other single mothers who live in the city. "Remember how I said I would embarass you in front of your friends if I was called to the school again?", she tells the boy, "Well it's a good thing they're not here cause you have it coming to you." Apparently not so different after all. My heart raced and feared for this child as I watched the situation turn. I could sense that once the child left the school he was most likely going to 'get it and get it good'. I wanted to cry for him and just hug him; let him know that there was someone who really cares about him. But I couldn't. Yes, his actions were inappropriate and deserved discipline of some kind. But the kind I had a feeling he was going to get, was not the good kind. As the grandmother walks down the hall with the child at her side and the mother tagging along behind, threats and harsh words are started to be spoken to him telling him of his fate. And yet the teacher wonders why he has no respect for adults. She can't figure out what could be going on inside his head that would make him burst out in rage and flip a heavy table over. My diagnosis - a lack of unconditional love.

Misinterpreted Too Much

Dear God,

I just can't seem to move out of some patterns I have. This is not the first time my actions have appeared different from what I've meant them to be. God, thank you for the friends that can come and tell me afterwards that it looked a certain way. I'm not mad when they tell me, but I wish I could see it too. I don't mean it to seem that way. I thought I was treating them the same way as everyone else. I don't want to draw attention to that and scare that person away. But apparently it seems that again I have done so. I'm so disappointed in myself God, because I didn't see the reactions at the time. My intentions were good, but it didn't come across that way. Would it be so hard if I could just start a relationship with this type of person without messing it up first? Without going overboard? How come they all can see it but I can't? I don't want to be that kind of person, but it seems that no matter how hard I try I always end up coming across that way anyway. I don't know what to do God.

Me

Hypocrite?

Going home over break, I was confronted by something. Apparently my brother thinks I am a hypocrite. But it wasn't him who told me, it was my Dad. For the last several months my brother has treated me with little to no respect whenever I have been around him or talked to him, and I have had no idea why. So my Dad tells me that my brother considers me a hypocrite because my opinion has changed about alcohol. Before I came to college I was very against drinking and alcohol for many reasons. I thought I was supposed to think that alcohol was bad and that if I didn't my parents would be mad at me, even though my Dad would drink a beer every now and then. And, even though it's a really bizarre reason, I thought that if you drank just a little you would become an alcoholic. Don't ask why I thought that, but I did. As I've grown up, though, I have learned about things and changed my mind about a lot of opinions. Now, I think it's perfectly fine to drink as long as you don't get drunk and you are of legal age. And I have had a couple drinks since I've turned 21. What got me the most was the question my Dad posed to me - "So were you a hypocrite then or a hypocrite now?" That hurt. Does he really view me as a hypocrite? Is it not possible for 'the talk' to change as long as 'the walk' does as well? It hurts even more that my Dad thinks of me this way than if my brother does. My brother is only 14 and thinks he is 'the man' and knows everything. One day he will realize my point of view...maybe. My Dad on the other hand... Anyway, that's what's on my mind.

Martha

"And now as they were traveling along, He entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord's feet, listening to His word. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said 'Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Tell her to help me'. But the Lord answered and said to her, 'Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her'."
Luke 10:38-42

So many times, when I've heard this passage talked about, Martha is always looked at as the bad sister. The one whom Jesus tells she should worship at His feet instead of working in the kitchen. Martha has developed a bad reputation because of it. But I am going to propose a different side to her story. Instead of rebuking her for not being at His feet, Jesus is rebuking Martha for rebuking her sister and telling Him what to do. Martha's spiritual gifting is serving and Mary's is worship. I approached my life group with this question-Do you really think that God would ask anyone to leave their gifting behind and sit at His feet? The answer is yes and no. Yes because God wants us to spend time with Him and sit in His presence every day. And no because we live in the world still and to leave our gifting behind completely would not allow us to glorify God in the world and show His love to others. We won't be able to abandon the gifts He has given us completely and sit at His feet all the time until we're in Heaven.

I have also heard this passage interpreted as God saying that we should not serve; this kind of goes off of the previous interpretation. But guess what? That is completely FALSE. In Romans 12:4-8, we read about some of the gifts of the Spirit. Serving is listed as one of them. "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.
Colossians 3:23-24"

Serving comes as a Spiritual gifting by itself, but it is also a part of all the gifts of the Spirit. “As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. 1 Peter 4:10” Whether we realize it or not, serving is a part of everything we do. An evangelist serves by giving their time to talk to people, a hospitable person serves by giving their home to others, and an intercessor serves by giving their time in prayer for others. If we didn’t serve within our own gifts then the evangelist wouldn’t get anywhere, the hospitable person may tell people that they have to get whatever they want by themselves all the time and an intercessor wouldn’t really be one because serving comes with it all. Now serving is a gift in itself and encompasses all the ways one person can serve another.

In this world, though, we get caught up in thinking that everyone should be doing more of what our own gifting is. Not to pick on them at all but the evangelists say we need to evangelize more, the hospitality people say we need to open our houses more, and the intercessors say we need to intercede more for others. Going back to Romans 12:4-6, it says “For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, so we, who are many, are one in the body of Christ, and individually members of one another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise, according to the proportion of his faith;”. If we all did the same thing, the kingdom of God would get nowhere and everything would be in total disarray. Martha got caught up thinking that her sister needed to serve more. She was distracted that morning, maybe because she hadn’t had her quiet time that morning or hadn’t sat in Jesus’ presence for a while. If we don’t do that, we become like Martha-distracted and unable to function in our gifts to the best of our ability. We start thinking the way the world does and complaining that no one is helping us whether verbally or internally.

Now here’s the big question- if Jesus was telling Martha to stop serving, did she? Let’s look in John 12:1-3 “Jesus, therefore, six days before the Passover, came to Bethany where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. So they made Him a supper there and MARTHA WAS SERVING; but Lazarus was one of those reclining at the table with Him. Mary then took a pound of very costly perfume of pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped His feet with her hair; and the house was filled with the fragrance of perfume”. Again we see Martha in the kitchen and Mary at Jesus’ feet. It must have been important to state that Martha was serving otherwise it would not be in the Bible. This time she does not become upset that her sister is not helping though. Perhaps she has learned and had her time to sit with Jesus before. Martha should not have the bad reputation that she does, because we are more like her than we realize; not all the time, but definitely sometimes. I am Martha; a servant who has off days every now and then.

Lessons from an 8 Year Old

The second grade girls in the inner city school I observe in love to touch my hair. They always tell me how pretty they think it is. Today in particular, two girls were feeling my hair and earrings. Now this may seem weird, but it doesn't weird me out at all. One of the girls said to me, "Your hair is so pretty and soft and you're so beautiful". I was touched by her comment and told her thanks and that she is very beautiful as well. Another student commented on how my eyes were green. Then it occured to me 'These girls grow up in a society where soft, silky hair and light colored eyes are the good thing to have; that's what makes you beautiful. And these girls have neither'. Being in an inner city school, 80% of the children attending there are black . They all have dark eyes and hair that is reckless and unmanagable. They see me as beautiful, but I don't think they consider themselves beautiful. Some of you may be thinking that second graders don't think that way, and you may be right. But what about 5th and 6th graders? They do think that way. These girls are constantly told through the media or people they come in contact with everyday that white girls are more beautiful. Their hair is better and their eyes are prettier. As Kerri pointed out to me one day, there are no brown colored contacts sold. And even many black models fix their hair so that it is more like the 'perfect hair', if that even exists. I have heard of black girls going through tremendous hair treatments to get their hair to what society says is pretty. There are several boys in this class who will openly and unabashedly tell the girls that they are ugly. I always wonder why they do this, and I'm sure that it's not just the black boys that say these things. I know white boys who are just as mean. Am I saying that white girls are prettier? NOT AT ALL! These girls are so beautiful with their dark brown eyes and intricate braiding hairstyles. If I wore my hair the way some of the girls do I would look ridiculous, but these girls look beautiful that way. I never really realized the true impact light eyes and the perfect hair had on anyone. I had the knowledge of it, but it didn't really sink in til now.

How He Loves Us

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane,
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and
I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves
He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

In Character

Kerri and I are doing this book together, and this was one of the pages.

I identify with the following Bible character:
Martha

I identify with that character because:
I am a server as well, and I have been scolded in the past for serving instead of doing other
things.

If I had the opportunity to invite any Bible character(s) other than Jesus for lunch, I would invite:
Mary (Jesus' mother), Mary Magdalene, Ruth, Esther, Lazarus, John, James, Pontius Pilate,
the thief who went to heaven with Jesus, Barabas, the guard at the crucifiction who said "He
truly is the Son of God"

I would serve:
All kinds of fruit, bread, and mac & cheese

I hope we would talk about:
Anything and everything under the sun

My favorite Bible character sends me emails as a way of passing on his or her life experience to me personally. Today the message was:
Whatever it is that God asks or tells you to do, do it willingly and without question regardless
of what the outcome is for yourself.

Recognition...It's a Wonderful Thing

Sunday, for the first time, I had a prophetic word spoken over me during church. First I will write down what was said, and then I will give my thoughts on it.

"The Lord just kinda showed me a few things, umm..., He just showed me that you have a lot of love for people. Like there's just a lot there. There's times when it's really overwhelming, like all the sudden it just comes up and it's just, you just have this, you just want to cry for people and you just don't know where it's coming from. Like, what is this? ummm...and there's a couple points of confusion there that the Lord just really wants to address for you today. He just really wants to resolve it in your heart that first of all it's something that's really from Him. It's something that He has a real purpose for and there's a direction that He's going to take you uhh in with that. And, and it's all for a purpose so it's good, it's really good. And, and, but there's sometimes where there's confusion that comes up because you feel this overwhelming love for people. And, and uhh I don't know if it's a particular people, group or whatever but you don't neccesarily feel it from other people, sometimes. And uhhh you almost feel like you, you have this really heavy bag on one shoulder, and you're kind of off kilter like, like you have this overwhelming love for people and you just don't know how to express it, what to do with it. But then you don't neccesarily feel it from other people sometimes, and the Lord just want to break that in you right now. Lord Jesus I just ask for a release, in Jesus name, in her mind and in her emotions. Lord Jesus that You would just break even that spirit of confusion that, that would try to uhh that would try to speak lies into her mind and, and would try to tell her that she's not loved. In Jesus' name I proclaim you loved by your brothers and sisters in the Lord and I just speak a release to that area where she just can't find that breakthrough. The feelings might not be there, but you're loved in Jesus name. And Father I just ask for Your love to just pour over her Lord God, a new relationship of love between You and her where she would find all of her needs met in Jesus name."

I don't think I can express how long I have been waiting and wanting for a word from God. Since I was around 13 or 14, I have wanted a prophetic word from God in the worst way. To know that He sees me and loves me. There have been times in my life where I have prayed for this and times where I have given up hoping for it to happen. On Sunday, I was not expecting anything. In fact I was having a hard time really getting into worship. I don't know why, but for some reason I was having a hard time focusing. So near the end of worship a guy who is known to have the gift of prophecy comes toward me. Now usually when I see someone who has this gift I hope that they are coming for me. But when I saw this guy, it just did not occur to me that that was what he was coming to do. Even when he started speaking this word to me it didn't really sink in. Now I just want to say that this guy did not previously know about certain things he said about me. Specifically the part about me not feeling love from other people. It's not really something I just go around telling people. Only a couple people really know this about me. Well, now more know about it. lol!

Ok, so the first part. "...you have a lot of love for people. Like there's just a lot there. There's times when it's really overwhelming, like all the sudden it just comes up and it's just, you just have this, you just want to cry for people and you just don't know where it's coming from. Like, what is this? " When I was younger I used to cry all the time, and 90% of the time I had no idea why I was crying. Unfortunately, through many things, it was impressed upon me that I needed to have a reason to cry otherwise I shouldn't. So I learned to hide this and keep it at bay, or I would find a reason to cry and use that. I'm not blaming the people who implied this, it's just that in my mind that is what I got from it. Over the years, though, that feeling has come up off and on, especially while I'm at school for some reason. Now I have an explanation for it. "He just really wants to resolve it in your heart that first of all it's something that's really from Him. It's something that He has a real purpose for and there's a direction that He's going to take you uhh in with that. And, and it's all for a purpose so it's good, it's really good. " Another thing, I HAVE A PURPOSE!!!! I know this seems silly becasue everyone has a prupose, but sometimes I really feel like I'm not living out that purpose. That instead I'm just some lump on the globe that is waiting til the end. My calling is another thing that I have really wanted to know about. I don't have it yet, but I feel like I'm one step closer to finding out.

Second part. "...but there's sometimes where there's confusion that comes up because you feel this overwhelming love for people. And, and uhh I don't know if it's a particular people, group or whatever but you don't neccesarily feel it from other people, sometimes. And uhhh you almost feel like you, you have this really heavy bag on one shoulder, and you're kind of off kilter like, like you have this overwhelming love for people and you just don't know how to express it, what to do with it. But then you don't neccesarily feel it from other people sometimes, and the Lord just want to break that in you right now. " So this, this is true. I know that I am loved by others, but there's a difference between knowing and really feeling that love. For some reason I am a feeling person. I want to 'feel' love from, not only other people, but from God. Here's the problem, God is not a feeling and I know that, but it's hard for me to accept (?) the knowledge that He loves me when I don't feel that love. The same goes for people. I have a hard time believing someone when they say "I love you" if I don't 'feel' that love. I'm not sure I'm explaning this in a way that you are going to understand. And I'm not saying that when I do something for someone out of love I expect something in return. The reason I do things out of love is to simply just do that, with no return or recognition of what I did at all. Ahhhhh! I feel like this could come off really wrong! Anyway, what was said is true...end of story.

Now at one point while this guy was talking and praying for me, I was absolutely positive that he said a particular something. But when I went back and listened to what was actually said, it wasn't there. Here's what I know I heard but is not on the CD - "Even though you don't 'feel' God's love, He does love you and He wants you to know that". Now when I was listening to the CD and didn't hear this, I wondered for a moment if I really did hear it. But ya know what? Even though that wasn't part of what was recorded, I know it was said. In my spirit I know it because the word 'feel' was used; a word that means a lot to me. Going back to a previous paragraph, I have wanted for a long time to be told through prophecy that God loves me. Just to hear from Him makes all the difference, and that is why I can't just shrug it off and say I was hearing things because it's true one way or the other. God does love me even though I don't 'feel' it, He really does and that just brings me so much joy. There are so many other things I could say about this prophetic word, but I don't have the words to express it and give it the credit it deserves. All I can do is say Mmmmmmmmmmmm <3

At the Cross

Oh Lord You've searched me

You know my way

Even when I fail You

I know You love me

Your holy presence

Surrounding me

In every season

I know You love me

I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee

Where Your blood was shed for me

There's no greater love than this

You have overcome the grave

Your glory fills the highest place

What can separate me now?

You go before me

You shield my way

Your hand upholds me

I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place

What can separate me now?

And when the earth fades

Falls from my eyes

And You stand before me

I know You love me

I know You love me

You tore the veil

You made a way

When You said that it is done

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

A Solider Huh?

"Teaching is like a solider on the front lines in a battle." This is what my SBTE told me the other day. I'm not really sure I agree with her though. I do agree that teaching is hard, but a solider in battle? There are things a solider goes through on the battle field that no one else can even imagine unless they've been there themselves. Who's to say that a teacher has a harder job than a farmer? Every job has it's difficulties and each difficulty is different than the next.

First Day of Observations

First off, I just need to say that I absolutely hate driving in Rochester and I don't think I could ever live there. I'm sure that if I did live there, after a while, I would be able to navigate without getting hopelessly lost, unlike yesterday. Yesterday was my first day observing in an inner city school. Actually, it was my first time experiencing the inner city by myself ever. I had started out driving to my destination at 9:30. Now normally it would only take about 30-40 minutes to reach where I was going. I didn't arrive until 11:00. First I missed the inner loop sign, so I had to turn around and try to find it again. Then it took me almost an hour to actually find the school that I needed to be at. Finding the street wasn't the hard part, I found that pretty easily, it was trying to figure out how to get to the school itself. See, for some ridiculous reason there are gates around the possible entrances to the school. They only open twice during the day, when the buses come to drop kids off and pick them up. So I could see the school, but I couldn't get to it. So I drove around and around the surrounding streets trying to find a way to the school. Eventually, I don't know how, I found the one place to drive up to the school.

Since I have never been to an inner city school, I didn't realize that the doors are always locked. So you can imagine my frustration when I went to open the doors and they wouldn't budge. Thankfully I found the button on the side of the wall that you had to push in order for the office to let you in.

I was already completely overwhelmed and frustrated with being lost for what seemed like forever and not knowing what to do, when I now have to find the room where I am to observe. The school isn't terribly big and I figured someone form the office would take me to the classroom I was supposed to be in like I had heard other secretaries do for other observers in other schools. Not so for me. I was given a harsh response and directions to where the classroom was. The only problem was, the lady who gave me directions got the last part of it wrong. I ended up going down the wrong hallway and just ended up figuring out which direction I needed to be going based solely on the fact that I had the room number.

One thing that I was worried about with my placement is that I would be the only white girl. This doen't mean I'm racist, it just means that I know some black people are sensetive to having white people around and I don't want to accidentally say or do something that would be offensive. There are a couple white teachers in the school, but I only saw one white child and she wasn't in my grade. I really wonder what my Student Based Teacher Educator (SBTE) thought of me. Here I was a white girl who really didn't know what I was supposed to be doing in a class full of inner city kids. Let me tell you, inner city schools are soooooo different from schools like Brockport and Woodstock. There is hardly any love given to these children. They are constantly snapped at and yelled at all day because the don't listen if you talk to them nicely. The threat "do I need to call your Father or Mother" was used so may times to inflict fear into the kids so they would do what they were supposed to. Sometimes even that wouldn't work, the child would simply sit quietly and rebel instead.

One girl opened my eyes to the kind of life that they live. The teacher was teahcing the kids about words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and the kids had to write sentences for each pair. One of the words was tie, like the one a guy wears. This little girl, who's in 2nd grade, turns to me and says, as nonchalantly as you can get, "My Daddy was wearing a tie when he was shot. I think he was 31 or 29 when he was shot, but he was wearing a tie". The most important thing to her in that story was the fact that her Dad was wearing a tie, the fact that he was shot was inconsequential. I looked at her not knowing what to say. What was I supposed to say? "What color was it" just didn't seem appropriate.

Another thing that totally blew my mind was the fact that some of the children went most of the day with doing absolutely no schoolwork. They refused to do it and the teacher didn't even ask them to. It was like it was a silent known fact that some kids aren't 'smart enough' to do it. How else are they supposed to learn if you don't sit down and help them? Now I know that it is really hard to help all the kids in one class, but just because it's hard doesn't mean you can ignore it completely. I can't be too critical of this, though, because I've only been there one day. There may be other issues with those specific children that I don't know about, and I don't want to put the teacher down either. This is her first year teaching this age level, but she has been teaching for 16 years. I don't know.

At the end of the day, the teacher and I had a couple minutes to talk before she had to run to a meeting. She pointedly told me that I shouldn't laugh with the children. For those of you that know me, you can understand how unlike me that is and how hard it will be for me to try. But her reasoning behind this was that I need to be the authority and if I laugh with them, then they no longer think of me as the authority. I've never had this problem with other children before. In fact I have found that many children like it when adults laugh with them, it's a way to bond and have fun. Smiling is the only thing these teachers do to show these children they are having fun. And even then, I only saw maybe one or two teachers smile at their students. As I walked down the halls with the children, I would smile at those we passed. Some of the children would return the smile, but the teachers didn't. They walked down the halls with scowls on their faces making sure their children stayed in line and did what they were told when they were told. How horrible, in my mind, to go around scowling all the time to let children know that you are the authority. Can't you be the authority and still smile and have fun with the children? I have so much more that I could say about yesterday, but I think this post is long enough.

Super Bowl Commercials

I haven't posted in a while, so I figured I prolly should. Last night in my Young Adult Lit class we watched a rather...odd, to say the least, commercial that NBC rejected to put on the air. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/27/petas-veggie-sex-super-bo_n_161180.html

We were trying to figure out what the difference was between this commercial and some of the other commercials that were aired during the game. If the reason they didn't accept it was because they didn't want children to see it, then there are some others that they shouldn't have shown. All the Super Bowl commercials can be seen at: http://superbowlads.fanhouse.com/

The Call by Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

Doubt

Doubt can be as small as a pebble or a grain of sand, but it can take down the strongest faith. Faith is like a horse. Now I know it isn’t literally like a horse, but metaphorically speaking it can be. For this particular symbolism, let’s say it’s one of those huge Clydesdale work horses. They are incredibly big and strong, but they weren’t always like that. They, like faith, started out young once. Vulnerable and susceptible to many things like disease and injury. Faith starts out much the same way, small and easily destroyed unless taken care of. As the farmer cares for the foal and makes sure it has enough hay and water, so we have to take care of our faith. We need to feed and water it with the Bible, to strengthen it. As the foal grows from a foal to a pony and from a pony to a horse, it needs exercise. Otherwise the animal will become fat and useless. Our faith also needs to be exercised to build up its muscle and strength. We go through trials as our faith exercise.


When that Clydesdale is a foal, and a pebble gets into its hoof, it is hard for that foal to recover. In some cases the foal may be crippled for life because the pebble cause it to stumble and get hurt. When a person’s faith is young and vulnerable, doubt can do the same thing. That faith will come apart easily, for it is not strong enough to hold up against the doubt. When the Clydesdale is bigger, it is harder for the pebble to bring the animal done because the animal has some strength to hold up against the pain and more balance to keep itself from falling. As a full grown horse, the Clydesdale is able to keep going even more so when there is a pebble in its hoof making it hard to walk. So faith that is strong holds up against doubt. But here’s the thing, whether big and strong or small and weak, if let to sit in the horses hoof, a pebble will cripple or kill both. Infection will come and start to destroy the foot. Eventually the animal won’t be able to walk at all until the pebble is removed. Even a faith so strong to move a mountain can be crippled by doubt because instead of removing the doubt and sending it packing, that person allows doubt to follow them around and whisper constantly in their ear. Persistence gets us places, isn't that what we say? The same goes for doubt. If it constantly persists in telling you the 'what ifs', eventually you will start to listen and wonder yourself about the 'what ifs'.


With removal comes pain and building back up of strength. The infection has to be drained and the hoof has to heal. The animal needs special caring for to restore it back to health. So does a crippled faith. A horse will eventually die because it is mortal, but faith is different. If you let doubt sit on that mountain and tell you constantly that you can’t move it, it can kill your faith just as the infection from a pebble can kill the Clydesdale. But faith can be built back up even if it dies. God has the power to bring it back to life, but you will start from the beginning just as a person crippled in a car accident has to start from the beginning with physical therapy.

Potholes

Around and around,
I feel like I’m going,
Over the same road
In a circle.
Not progressing,
But falling back
Into the same potholes.
Each time I go around,
The pothole gets bigger.
First it was small,
Barely a crack in the road.
I tripped only slightly,
But kept going.
The second time,
It was a little bigger,
But I didn’t notice.
Again, I slightly tripped,
But kept moving.
The third, fourth, fifth, sixth times
I didn’t notice the change of the pothole.
It got bigger,
Each time I tripped.
The next time I would walk over it,
It would be a hole,
Where my feet have tread away the dirt
From countless years of tripping over it.
Yet again, I feel as though I’ve tripped
Over the pothole.
But now it’s not so small.
I didn’t realize how big it had gotten,
Until now.
It has gotten so big,
That this time, I have fallen very hard,
And I am unable to get up.
I’m stuck in this pothole,
And I don’t know what to do.
Someone needs to rescue me.
To pull me out and brush me off.
But I’m afraid to get out.
What if I fall into it again?
Next time, if it happens,
I’m not sure I will want out.
It is easier to lay there injured,
Than to go through the pain,
Of healing the broken bones.

And next time,

It will be more painful.