Yesterday morning I would have never guessed that mine and my family's lives would change so much. He started off the day so well. Both my grandparents went to the fairgrounds to work. My grandma stayed for most of the day, while my grandpa went back to the house around 11. He started feeling dizzy, but didn't think anything of it. Over the last several months, he had a lot of problems with getting his medication right. He didn't think it was anything but a bad reaction. Around 1:30 pm he couldn't move the left side of his body. He tried calling my uncles and grandma, but he couldn't get ahold of anyone. At 1:45 he called me. Why it didn't occur to me that he needed to call 911, I don't know. He told me he didn't feel well, that he couldn't get ahold of anyone, and that he couldn't get off the couch. He didn't ask me to come out and help him, but I told him I was coming as soon as I could. At the time I had bread baking in the oven and couldn't leave it. I turned the oven up to make it cook faster and left as soon as I could, not realizing the severity of the situation.
I drove as fast as the cars in front of me would allow, hoping that a cop wouldn't show up. I was almost to the house when my uncle called and told me a helicopter was coming to air lift him to the hospital. I saw it flying towards the house. When I got to the driveway, there were so many cars there. My uncles had arrived about 15 minutes before I did. They found him on the floor where he had rolled off the couch and couldn't get up. Immediately they called 911. I am so thankful that they got there before me, because I wouldn't have known what to do. When he heard my voice, my grandfather wanted to see me. It hurt to look at him and watch as the EMT's worked to help him. I went over and let him know that I was there, and then I had to call me Mom and let her know what was going on. The helicopter flew off to Strong Memorial and we all left for the hospital.
We arrived at the Emergency room, not sure what to expect. We knew that he'd had a stroke, but that was all. For 5 hours we waited in the emergency room, waiting to find out some answers. Because there were no rooms available, and because of his state, my grandpa stayed in the trauma unit of the ER most of the night. The doctors heavily sedated him and put in a breathing tube because he couldn't breath on his own. In two's, we were allowed into the Trauma unit to see him. He couldn't talk to us but they said he could hear. I only went back once. It was so awful. He was helpless and I didn't know what to do or say to him. It felt weird talking to him and I wasn't sure I was allowed to touch him because of all the machines he was hooked up to. So I just stood there and watched him. After 5 hours of waiting to hear something and being told nothing, we all left the hospital hoping that he would get better through the night. We would find nothing more out until the neurologist came and looked at him.
My grandma didn't really sleep much last night, and mine was a restless sleep. I heard the phone ring early in the morning and was awake right away. The doctor had called and said we needed to get there as soon as possible. At 6 o'clock in the morning we headed for the hospital again. This time every family member that was in the area came. We waited again in the hospital for 3 hours, this time upstairs in the ICU, to hear what exactly was going on in full detail. Finally we were told. My grandpa had a blood vessel burst in his brain, which caused the stroke. Due to the fact that he had an extremely high level of kumodin (?) - blood thinner - in his system, the hemorrhage that had occurred was not able to clot and stop bleeding. The doctors had put a shunt in his brain the night before, and at first he had been reacting to it very well. He was alert and able to communicate somewhat with those around him. But sometime in the early morning, things had gone very wrong. The shunt stopped working and his brain became filled with blood cause pressure in his skull. He became brain dead and so they put him on life support. Now he could no longer hear us, feel us when we touched him, or know what was going on around him at all. We had a choice to make - go through with a surgery that would only have a 50-50 chance of working, or pull the plug. If we went through with the surgery, there would be a very high chance that he would stay paralyzed the rest of his life on his left side and he would need assisted living or a nursing home. Grandpa had clearly stated when his mother was going through the process of dying that he never wanted to be in a nursing home, he would rather be dead.
My grandpa was a very independent man. He was involved in many activities and couldn't sit still for very long. He liked being outside going places. For the next two hours, we debated if the chance that he would be ok was valid enough to try the surgery. Throughout this whole process I had been calling my Mom frequently giving her updates on what was going on since she and the family live in VT. family members kept going in to see him, but I couldn't. It was too hard to see him hooked up to everything and have that as my last memory of him. It was bad enough seeing him the day before the way he was.
The hemorrhaging got worse and his condition was failing fast. We had to make our decision. They gave us a conference room and we sat down with the doctor to sign the paperwork. We decided to take him off life support. It's what he wanted, and as hard as that was, it had to be done. The paperwork seemed to take forever. Everyone was trying hard not to break down and hold it together. The family said their goodbyes and the doctors asked them to leave. After they shut the machines off, it was only a matter of minutes. At 12:26 pm on May 31, 2009, my grandpa, Clarence Preston, died. I stayed in the conference room drawing and hoping that he would be able to live in Heaven. Just as I finished my drawing, my cousin came in and said he had died. I drew him a house with a picket fence, a garden, a tree with a tire swing, a mailbox, a dog house, and a dog. It may seem silly, but I hope that is what he has to live in if he's in Heaven.
Then came the hardest part of the whole experience. I had to call my Mom and tell her, her Dad was dead. She knew it was going to happen, but she didn't know when. I thought I would be able to hold it together for her, but I couldn't. As soon as I said he was gone, I broke into tears with my Mom. Together we cried on the phone because that was the only comfort we could give each other.
Everyone said their goodbyes to each other and headed for home. Everything felt so surreal as though I was in a dream and all I had to do was wake up and it would be ok. I couldn't handle staying with my grandma at the house, so I left as soon as we got back to the house. I know I should've been there with her and the family, but I just couldn't. I felt sick to my stomach and had the biggest migraine ever. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and go to sleep, which is what I did when I got to back to Brockport. It still feels like a dream somewhat. Like none of it really happened, but I know it did. My aching head and sleep deprived body won't let me forget it.
I wonder if he could have been saved if someone had got to him sooner. If I had told him to call 911 when he had called me. His death is very similar to his brothers. When my great grandpa Preston died a long time ago (I was only 3 I think), my grandpa's brother Larry died 4 months later of a brain aneurysm. My great grandma Preston died a little over 5 months ago. Now my grandpa is dead because a blood vessel burst in his brain causing a stroke. Their deaths are very similar, except Larry was found dead in his house.
Tomorrow we are going to the funeral home to make plans. My family will be here Thursday, and the funeral will be sometime after that. My sister Erica is in India and has no idea what is going on due to the fact that she is in a city right now where internet and phone service are unavailable.
How our lives change in just 24 hours.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Something I've Wanted to Tell You for a While
I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, but do you really have to make me feel like a failure and the worst person ever. I'm sorry I didn't get ahold of you the minute I walked in the door of my house. I figured if there was such an issue, you would have gotten ahold of me. You know my email and phone number just as well as I know yours. But why, why did you have to treat me like you did tonight? I called to talk and let you know everything was going well. Instead, you let me know how angry you are at me and you pass the phone off becuase you can't stand to hear my voice. You really hurt me tonight. I feel like I will never do anything that will make you happy.
You hate the fact that I'm not living at home or with my Grandparents. You haven't supported me in my decision to live on my own this summer, and when I call home I can hear you yelling in the background to the phone blaming the amount of debt I have on the fact that I'm renting a house for the summer. DO YOU REALZE THAT I WOULD BE IN DEBT REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I WENT TO SCHOOL IN VERMONT OR HERE?!?!?!?!?! AND MY LIVING IN BROCKPORT HAS N.O.T.H.I.N.G TO DO WITH MY DEBT!!!!!!!!!!! Just so you know, I didn't get any financial aid when I applied to schools around home either. So I would've had to take out loans there as well, and been in just as much or more debt. By the way, I love it here. Brockport feels like a home to me while your house no longer does.
I'll never be good enough or do the right things will I? Will you always say that I'm old enough to make my own decisions but then constantly let me know that I'm a disappointment because I didn't make the decision you would have liked? Every time you're angry at me, you wait a week or more so that you're boiling and then you let me know what it is I've done to deserve such wrath. Meanwhile I have no idea what you're thinking because you don't say when you're upset, so I figure everything's fine and dandy. You can be so great sometimes, but then other times you are so bipolar. I don't think you realize how much of an affect your words have on me. I'm sorry I'm such a failure as your daughter.
You hate the fact that I'm not living at home or with my Grandparents. You haven't supported me in my decision to live on my own this summer, and when I call home I can hear you yelling in the background to the phone blaming the amount of debt I have on the fact that I'm renting a house for the summer. DO YOU REALZE THAT I WOULD BE IN DEBT REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I WENT TO SCHOOL IN VERMONT OR HERE?!?!?!?!?! AND MY LIVING IN BROCKPORT HAS N.O.T.H.I.N.G TO DO WITH MY DEBT!!!!!!!!!!! Just so you know, I didn't get any financial aid when I applied to schools around home either. So I would've had to take out loans there as well, and been in just as much or more debt. By the way, I love it here. Brockport feels like a home to me while your house no longer does.
I'll never be good enough or do the right things will I? Will you always say that I'm old enough to make my own decisions but then constantly let me know that I'm a disappointment because I didn't make the decision you would have liked? Every time you're angry at me, you wait a week or more so that you're boiling and then you let me know what it is I've done to deserve such wrath. Meanwhile I have no idea what you're thinking because you don't say when you're upset, so I figure everything's fine and dandy. You can be so great sometimes, but then other times you are so bipolar. I don't think you realize how much of an affect your words have on me. I'm sorry I'm such a failure as your daughter.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
How Much of a Sap am I?
I've never been to a graduation before. In high school I was mostly home schooled and so I got my GED instead of graduating (a decision I regret). When I was in high school I didn't have any true friends from my town (partly from my own fault). You just don't make those important connections as well with people in high school. I've heard countless stories of girls who had several best friends all throughout their high school, where they told each other everything and spent every moment they could together. But when they got to college, their ways split and the friendship that seemed to be so strong, completely broke apart. People grow up and change so much when in college. Friendships that are made usually stay true and strong even when you part ways at graduation.
Saturday was the first graduation I have ever witnessed. Sitting on the bleachers in the heat and blazing UV rays I watched most of the people I've made connections with over the last two years walk onto a stage and receive the 'diploma' they've worked so hard for (some more than others)the last four years of their lives. It was touching and moving, and at one point I wasn't sure I would be able to stop the tears that were threatening to come back. Call me a sap, but the love and pride I felt watching my friends walk across that stage really affected me.
There was a mixture of happiness and sadness. Happiness because they've finally reached the end (for many) of their educational career. And even if they don't know what they're going to do in life, I know they will affect each and every person they come in contact with whether they realize that themselves or not. Each one of those people has something special and important about them that no one else has. But sadness because they are leaving and going on with their lives. No longer will I be able to see them every day on campus or get together with them and have lunch in the dining hall. Some of the friendships I know will stay strong, and others I wish I had more time to strengthen the bond between us.
Then something hit me - I am going to be where they are in exactly one year. I will be the one sitting on the edge of my seat waiting in excitement and anticipation for the speakers to get on with their speeches so that I can have my two seconds of fame as I walk up that stage and receive what I have been working so hard at; the end of the tunnel. It's so close it's scary. I started thinking about who I would sit with, if I would have anyone to sit with, if people would clap for me as I walked up, would I have as much fun as it appears everyone else is having, would i be an emotional wreck. And all of this went through my head in like three seconds. The biggest question - would I even be able to find a job.
It was a wonderful ceremony, except the old lady who talked about the Soviet Union and the Arab nation. (Don't now what that had to do with the graduates. She didn't say what the connection was. lol!) The rain held off and the speeches were heartfelt and short. I had every intention of going to the reception afterwards and trying (I say trying because there were thousands of people there) to find all my friends and congratulate them. As I left the bleachers and started walking towards the Tuttle North gym, I couldn't do it. I was literally going to ball my eyes out if I said good-bye to the graduates I knew. My heart was overwhelmed with so many emotions and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I turned and walked away from the gym as the tears ran down my face hoping that no one would notice. I mean, who cries at a graduation? Really. Apparently I do. Haha! And I'm ok with that as long as no one sees =D. Oh dear, what will I be like during MY graduation?
Saturday was the first graduation I have ever witnessed. Sitting on the bleachers in the heat and blazing UV rays I watched most of the people I've made connections with over the last two years walk onto a stage and receive the 'diploma' they've worked so hard for (some more than others)the last four years of their lives. It was touching and moving, and at one point I wasn't sure I would be able to stop the tears that were threatening to come back. Call me a sap, but the love and pride I felt watching my friends walk across that stage really affected me.
There was a mixture of happiness and sadness. Happiness because they've finally reached the end (for many) of their educational career. And even if they don't know what they're going to do in life, I know they will affect each and every person they come in contact with whether they realize that themselves or not. Each one of those people has something special and important about them that no one else has. But sadness because they are leaving and going on with their lives. No longer will I be able to see them every day on campus or get together with them and have lunch in the dining hall. Some of the friendships I know will stay strong, and others I wish I had more time to strengthen the bond between us.
Then something hit me - I am going to be where they are in exactly one year. I will be the one sitting on the edge of my seat waiting in excitement and anticipation for the speakers to get on with their speeches so that I can have my two seconds of fame as I walk up that stage and receive what I have been working so hard at; the end of the tunnel. It's so close it's scary. I started thinking about who I would sit with, if I would have anyone to sit with, if people would clap for me as I walked up, would I have as much fun as it appears everyone else is having, would i be an emotional wreck. And all of this went through my head in like three seconds. The biggest question - would I even be able to find a job.
It was a wonderful ceremony, except the old lady who talked about the Soviet Union and the Arab nation. (Don't now what that had to do with the graduates. She didn't say what the connection was. lol!) The rain held off and the speeches were heartfelt and short. I had every intention of going to the reception afterwards and trying (I say trying because there were thousands of people there) to find all my friends and congratulate them. As I left the bleachers and started walking towards the Tuttle North gym, I couldn't do it. I was literally going to ball my eyes out if I said good-bye to the graduates I knew. My heart was overwhelmed with so many emotions and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I turned and walked away from the gym as the tears ran down my face hoping that no one would notice. I mean, who cries at a graduation? Really. Apparently I do. Haha! And I'm ok with that as long as no one sees =D. Oh dear, what will I be like during MY graduation?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
8 Things I Want in 8 Years
(I stole this from Kerri =D)
1. For God to place me with Mr. Right (hopefully this will happen in less than 8 years)
2. To have most or all of my loans paid off (this is a dream big one, definitely)
3. To be working in a job that I absolutely love
4. Live in a house that always has children and youth in it
5. Have a front porch with a porch swing =D
6. To have traveled to Europe with someone special
7. To still have lunch and dinner dates with my girlfriends
8. For my parents to be completely out of debt and have the abillity to retire
1. For God to place me with Mr. Right (hopefully this will happen in less than 8 years)
2. To have most or all of my loans paid off (this is a dream big one, definitely)
3. To be working in a job that I absolutely love
4. Live in a house that always has children and youth in it
5. Have a front porch with a porch swing =D
6. To have traveled to Europe with someone special
7. To still have lunch and dinner dates with my girlfriends
8. For my parents to be completely out of debt and have the abillity to retire
Monday, May 4, 2009
Present Day Samson
I have always looked at Samson as the victim. The one who was seduced by Delilah and tempted time and time again until he finally gave in. But ya know what? He wasn't a victim at all. In fact he was the antagoniser. He invited everything that happened to him.
Samson was a physically strong person. Afterall, it's not everyday you find a man that can kill a thousand men with just a donkey jaw bone. God provided Samson with his strength and there was only one requirement: he was to never cut his hair. Even though Samson was really strong physically, he was very weak when it came to women. "Now Samson went to Gaza and saw a harlot there, and went into her" (Judges 16:1). Women were his downfall, or struggle. He married a woman who was not Jewish, which wasn't Jewish tradition. He gave into his struggle because it was easier than fighting against it. Sin is fun in the moment, and it's easier to give into it than to go against it. To go against sin we have to rely on God's strength and not our own, and Samson wasn't relying on God. As a result, he told his precious secret to a woman who's virtue was less than admirable. He invited the pain and sorrow that came with giving away his secret. His sin caught up with him and dragged him far away from God.
We are just like Samson sometimes. There are struggles we have in our lives where we can choose to give into them or fight against them with God's strength. Friday night, Chad and Rob talked about us being Samson. There are things we hold onto and feel like we can't live without. They are addictions of strong desires that we don't give up to God. Eventually those same things we feel we can't live without will destroy us, just like it did Samson.
I have definitely had my Samson seasons. Times where I couldn't let go of something I thought I couldn't live without. Where I was relying on my own strength instead of God's. Some of those times, it almost destroyed me just as it did Samson.
"With Him are strength and sound wisdom..." Job 12:16a
"For You have girded me with strength for battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me." Pslam 18:39
"The Lord is their strength, and He is a saving defense to His annointed." Psalm 28:8
"You will pull me out of the net that they have secretly laid, for You are my strength." Psalm 31:4
"But the slavation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in time of trouble." Psalm 37:39
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
"Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." Psalm 105:4
"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31
Samson was a physically strong person. Afterall, it's not everyday you find a man that can kill a thousand men with just a donkey jaw bone. God provided Samson with his strength and there was only one requirement: he was to never cut his hair. Even though Samson was really strong physically, he was very weak when it came to women. "Now Samson went to Gaza and saw a harlot there, and went into her" (Judges 16:1). Women were his downfall, or struggle. He married a woman who was not Jewish, which wasn't Jewish tradition. He gave into his struggle because it was easier than fighting against it. Sin is fun in the moment, and it's easier to give into it than to go against it. To go against sin we have to rely on God's strength and not our own, and Samson wasn't relying on God. As a result, he told his precious secret to a woman who's virtue was less than admirable. He invited the pain and sorrow that came with giving away his secret. His sin caught up with him and dragged him far away from God.
We are just like Samson sometimes. There are struggles we have in our lives where we can choose to give into them or fight against them with God's strength. Friday night, Chad and Rob talked about us being Samson. There are things we hold onto and feel like we can't live without. They are addictions of strong desires that we don't give up to God. Eventually those same things we feel we can't live without will destroy us, just like it did Samson.
I have definitely had my Samson seasons. Times where I couldn't let go of something I thought I couldn't live without. Where I was relying on my own strength instead of God's. Some of those times, it almost destroyed me just as it did Samson.
"With Him are strength and sound wisdom..." Job 12:16a
"For You have girded me with strength for battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me." Pslam 18:39
"The Lord is their strength, and He is a saving defense to His annointed." Psalm 28:8
"You will pull me out of the net that they have secretly laid, for You are my strength." Psalm 31:4
"But the slavation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in time of trouble." Psalm 37:39
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
"Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." Psalm 105:4
"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Ten Things I would Like to Say to Ten People
1. I hope my husband doesn't say some of the things you say to her. Cause believe it or not, those words really do hurt.
2. I know I could've come to you, but I really wanted to know that you cared enough to come to me and see if I was really ok.
3. What was so wrong with me?!
4. You helped me so much, but then you hurt me even more.
5. It saddens me to see how much we've grown apart.
6. Would it hurt you to respect me just a little?
7. Your words hurt me for a long time. When I found out how your life went down the tubes, I was kind of glad.
8. Even though I showed the opposite, I was really excited when you proposed to me. And even though I said no, I really wanted to say yes.
9. Lately, you have really been pissing me off.
10. How could it be that you never wanted it but got it, and I've always wanted it and haven't? I am jealous of you sometimes.
2. I know I could've come to you, but I really wanted to know that you cared enough to come to me and see if I was really ok.
3. What was so wrong with me?!
4. You helped me so much, but then you hurt me even more.
5. It saddens me to see how much we've grown apart.
6. Would it hurt you to respect me just a little?
7. Your words hurt me for a long time. When I found out how your life went down the tubes, I was kind of glad.
8. Even though I showed the opposite, I was really excited when you proposed to me. And even though I said no, I really wanted to say yes.
9. Lately, you have really been pissing me off.
10. How could it be that you never wanted it but got it, and I've always wanted it and haven't? I am jealous of you sometimes.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Where's the Love?
Two women walk into the room to survey the scene. One is young and petite while the other is older, taller, and a little plump. A table lies upside down on the floor with chairs tipped over and papers scattered. The young woman is the mother but the elder, which is the grandma, clearly has more authority in their household. The girl can't be more than 25 and the grandmother no more than 45. The child who created the mess sits in a chair a little ways off crying as he waits for them to come. The mother stands back and lets her mother take charge. Once the grandmother questions the boy, he looks around nervously as if not knowing what to say. At first the conversation between them is pleasant. No threats are made and all seems pleasant. Maybe this family is different than the other single mothers who live in the city. "Remember how I said I would embarass you in front of your friends if I was called to the school again?", she tells the boy, "Well it's a good thing they're not here cause you have it coming to you." Apparently not so different after all. My heart raced and feared for this child as I watched the situation turn. I could sense that once the child left the school he was most likely going to 'get it and get it good'. I wanted to cry for him and just hug him; let him know that there was someone who really cares about him. But I couldn't. Yes, his actions were inappropriate and deserved discipline of some kind. But the kind I had a feeling he was going to get, was not the good kind. As the grandmother walks down the hall with the child at her side and the mother tagging along behind, threats and harsh words are started to be spoken to him telling him of his fate. And yet the teacher wonders why he has no respect for adults. She can't figure out what could be going on inside his head that would make him burst out in rage and flip a heavy table over. My diagnosis - a lack of unconditional love.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Misinterpreted Too Much
Dear God,
I just can't seem to move out of some patterns I have. This is not the first time my actions have appeared different from what I've meant them to be. God, thank you for the friends that can come and tell me afterwards that it looked a certain way. I'm not mad when they tell me, but I wish I could see it too. I don't mean it to seem that way. I thought I was treating them the same way as everyone else. I don't want to draw attention to that and scare that person away. But apparently it seems that again I have done so. I'm so disappointed in myself God, because I didn't see the reactions at the time. My intentions were good, but it didn't come across that way. Would it be so hard if I could just start a relationship with this type of person without messing it up first? Without going overboard? How come they all can see it but I can't? I don't want to be that kind of person, but it seems that no matter how hard I try I always end up coming across that way anyway. I don't know what to do God.
Me
I just can't seem to move out of some patterns I have. This is not the first time my actions have appeared different from what I've meant them to be. God, thank you for the friends that can come and tell me afterwards that it looked a certain way. I'm not mad when they tell me, but I wish I could see it too. I don't mean it to seem that way. I thought I was treating them the same way as everyone else. I don't want to draw attention to that and scare that person away. But apparently it seems that again I have done so. I'm so disappointed in myself God, because I didn't see the reactions at the time. My intentions were good, but it didn't come across that way. Would it be so hard if I could just start a relationship with this type of person without messing it up first? Without going overboard? How come they all can see it but I can't? I don't want to be that kind of person, but it seems that no matter how hard I try I always end up coming across that way anyway. I don't know what to do God.
Me
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Hypocrite?
Going home over break, I was confronted by something. Apparently my brother thinks I am a hypocrite. But it wasn't him who told me, it was my Dad. For the last several months my brother has treated me with little to no respect whenever I have been around him or talked to him, and I have had no idea why. So my Dad tells me that my brother considers me a hypocrite because my opinion has changed about alcohol. Before I came to college I was very against drinking and alcohol for many reasons. I thought I was supposed to think that alcohol was bad and that if I didn't my parents would be mad at me, even though my Dad would drink a beer every now and then. And, even though it's a really bizarre reason, I thought that if you drank just a little you would become an alcoholic. Don't ask why I thought that, but I did. As I've grown up, though, I have learned about things and changed my mind about a lot of opinions. Now, I think it's perfectly fine to drink as long as you don't get drunk and you are of legal age. And I have had a couple drinks since I've turned 21. What got me the most was the question my Dad posed to me - "So were you a hypocrite then or a hypocrite now?" That hurt. Does he really view me as a hypocrite? Is it not possible for 'the talk' to change as long as 'the walk' does as well? It hurts even more that my Dad thinks of me this way than if my brother does. My brother is only 14 and thinks he is 'the man' and knows everything. One day he will realize my point of view...maybe. My Dad on the other hand... Anyway, that's what's on my mind.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Martha
"And now as they were traveling along, He entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord's feet, listening to His word. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said 'Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Tell her to help me'. But the Lord answered and said to her, 'Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her'."
Luke 10:38-42
So many times, when I've heard this passage talked about, Martha is always looked at as the bad sister. The one whom Jesus tells she should worship at His feet instead of working in the kitchen. Martha has developed a bad reputation because of it. But I am going to propose a different side to her story. Instead of rebuking her for not being at His feet, Jesus is rebuking Martha for rebuking her sister and telling Him what to do. Martha's spiritual gifting is serving and Mary's is worship. I approached my life group with this question-Do you really think that God would ask anyone to leave their gifting behind and sit at His feet? The answer is yes and no. Yes because God wants us to spend time with Him and sit in His presence every day. And no because we live in the world still and to leave our gifting behind completely would not allow us to glorify God in the world and show His love to others. We won't be able to abandon the gifts He has given us completely and sit at His feet all the time until we're in Heaven.
I have also heard this passage interpreted as God saying that we should not serve; this kind of goes off of the previous interpretation. But guess what? That is completely FALSE. In Romans 12:4-8, we read about some of the gifts of the Spirit. Serving is listed as one of them. "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.
Colossians 3:23-24"
Serving comes as a Spiritual gifting by itself, but it is also a part of all the gifts of the Spirit. “As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. 1 Peter 4:10” Whether we realize it or not, serving is a part of everything we do. An evangelist serves by giving their time to talk to people, a hospitable person serves by giving their home to others, and an intercessor serves by giving their time in prayer for others. If we didn’t serve within our own gifts then the evangelist wouldn’t get anywhere, the hospitable person may tell people that they have to get whatever they want by themselves all the time and an intercessor wouldn’t really be one because serving comes with it all. Now serving is a gift in itself and encompasses all the ways one person can serve another.
In this world, though, we get caught up in thinking that everyone should be doing more of what our own gifting is. Not to pick on them at all but the evangelists say we need to evangelize more, the hospitality people say we need to open our houses more, and the intercessors say we need to intercede more for others. Going back to Romans 12:4-6, it says “For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, so we, who are many, are one in the body of Christ, and individually members of one another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise, according to the proportion of his faith;”. If we all did the same thing, the kingdom of God would get nowhere and everything would be in total disarray. Martha got caught up thinking that her sister needed to serve more. She was distracted that morning, maybe because she hadn’t had her quiet time that morning or hadn’t sat in Jesus’ presence for a while. If we don’t do that, we become like Martha-distracted and unable to function in our gifts to the best of our ability. We start thinking the way the world does and complaining that no one is helping us whether verbally or internally.
Now here’s the big question- if Jesus was telling Martha to stop serving, did she? Let’s look in John 12:1-3 “Jesus, therefore, six days before the Passover, came to Bethany where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. So they made Him a supper there and MARTHA WAS SERVING; but Lazarus was one of those reclining at the table with Him. Mary then took a pound of very costly perfume of pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped His feet with her hair; and the house was filled with the fragrance of perfume”. Again we see Martha in the kitchen and Mary at Jesus’ feet. It must have been important to state that Martha was serving otherwise it would not be in the Bible. This time she does not become upset that her sister is not helping though. Perhaps she has learned and had her time to sit with Jesus before. Martha should not have the bad reputation that she does, because we are more like her than we realize; not all the time, but definitely sometimes. I am Martha; a servant who has off days every now and then.
Luke 10:38-42
So many times, when I've heard this passage talked about, Martha is always looked at as the bad sister. The one whom Jesus tells she should worship at His feet instead of working in the kitchen. Martha has developed a bad reputation because of it. But I am going to propose a different side to her story. Instead of rebuking her for not being at His feet, Jesus is rebuking Martha for rebuking her sister and telling Him what to do. Martha's spiritual gifting is serving and Mary's is worship. I approached my life group with this question-Do you really think that God would ask anyone to leave their gifting behind and sit at His feet? The answer is yes and no. Yes because God wants us to spend time with Him and sit in His presence every day. And no because we live in the world still and to leave our gifting behind completely would not allow us to glorify God in the world and show His love to others. We won't be able to abandon the gifts He has given us completely and sit at His feet all the time until we're in Heaven.
I have also heard this passage interpreted as God saying that we should not serve; this kind of goes off of the previous interpretation. But guess what? That is completely FALSE. In Romans 12:4-8, we read about some of the gifts of the Spirit. Serving is listed as one of them. "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.
Colossians 3:23-24"
Serving comes as a Spiritual gifting by itself, but it is also a part of all the gifts of the Spirit. “As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. 1 Peter 4:10” Whether we realize it or not, serving is a part of everything we do. An evangelist serves by giving their time to talk to people, a hospitable person serves by giving their home to others, and an intercessor serves by giving their time in prayer for others. If we didn’t serve within our own gifts then the evangelist wouldn’t get anywhere, the hospitable person may tell people that they have to get whatever they want by themselves all the time and an intercessor wouldn’t really be one because serving comes with it all. Now serving is a gift in itself and encompasses all the ways one person can serve another.
In this world, though, we get caught up in thinking that everyone should be doing more of what our own gifting is. Not to pick on them at all but the evangelists say we need to evangelize more, the hospitality people say we need to open our houses more, and the intercessors say we need to intercede more for others. Going back to Romans 12:4-6, it says “For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, so we, who are many, are one in the body of Christ, and individually members of one another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise, according to the proportion of his faith;”. If we all did the same thing, the kingdom of God would get nowhere and everything would be in total disarray. Martha got caught up thinking that her sister needed to serve more. She was distracted that morning, maybe because she hadn’t had her quiet time that morning or hadn’t sat in Jesus’ presence for a while. If we don’t do that, we become like Martha-distracted and unable to function in our gifts to the best of our ability. We start thinking the way the world does and complaining that no one is helping us whether verbally or internally.
Now here’s the big question- if Jesus was telling Martha to stop serving, did she? Let’s look in John 12:1-3 “Jesus, therefore, six days before the Passover, came to Bethany where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. So they made Him a supper there and MARTHA WAS SERVING; but Lazarus was one of those reclining at the table with Him. Mary then took a pound of very costly perfume of pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped His feet with her hair; and the house was filled with the fragrance of perfume”. Again we see Martha in the kitchen and Mary at Jesus’ feet. It must have been important to state that Martha was serving otherwise it would not be in the Bible. This time she does not become upset that her sister is not helping though. Perhaps she has learned and had her time to sit with Jesus before. Martha should not have the bad reputation that she does, because we are more like her than we realize; not all the time, but definitely sometimes. I am Martha; a servant who has off days every now and then.
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