Am I Sarah?

My frustration with my current job has come to a head. The anxiety and stress has been increasing and I can't take it anymore. Usually I can convince myself to keep going with a job because I have loan payments to make. Even that is not convincing enough to want to stay right now. I often feel like the anxiety is too much to handle. Everything feels like its closing in and I can't get out. I get physically beat on at least twice a week by the children I work with. During rare behavior weeks it may only be once. The bruises and scratch marks from one week are barely healed before more are distributed on my arms and hands. I throw numerous blessings at the people that can do this job and still enjoy going to work every day...I can't do it. I have known that special education is not my forte and that I don't enjoy working in that field. Yet the last two jobs I've had and hated have been in special education. The story of Sarah (Abraham's wife...you all know the one. She acted on her own strength in will because she didn't believe God would provide a child in her old age.) has come up several times over the last couple weeks via friends posting in their blogs, a book I'm reading for lifegroup, or people talking about it. It got me thinking...have I acted like Sarah? Am I her?

I got the first job I hated at an adult group home because I was very aggressive in obtaining it due to the fear at not having a job once my student loans started up. I knew it would pay enough for me to at least be able to pay them with a little extra. I grew to hate the job very quickly. It was the first time I have ever hated a job. Working overnights was burning me out physically and emotionally. At one point I couldn't take it anymore, so I started looking for another job that would match the salary I was making or increase it.

The second job in special education I have gotten is with my current job. I knew it would be a hard job, but I wanted out so badly from the first one that I didn't care. I thought maybe it wasn't as bad as people said, and maybe I would be ok in it even though I do not do well in special education. It's only taken three months for absolutely hate going to work. My anxiety about being overpowered and seriously hurt by the 15-17 year olds I work with keeps increasing. My stress level at having to work with people who voiced disliking me is up there as well.

Here I am again at a point where I want and feel like I need to escape. Why did I go after these jobs anyway? I KNOW that I don't do well as a special education teacher. But because of fear that I won't able to pay loans, I've ignored that fact. Crap, I am a Sarah. I acted out of fear that God wouldn't provide. That He wouldn't bring a job when I most needed one. And here I am yet again needing to make a decision about what to do.

Teaching jobs in Elementary schools are very scarce in Western NY, but there are teachings jobs in Preschools and Day Cares. At one point in life I worked in a day care for almost four years. I absolutely loved it. It was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, but not everyone agreed that was the smartest way to go due to the lack of money associated with the job (which is a fair thing to point out). So I changed the plan a little. I left home and went to an out of state school to pursue elementary education. After all I would get better money in that field, and when would there ever be a shortage of teaching jobs? Teachers are always needed. I racked up quite a sum of debt and now I can't find a teaching job in a school. I don't know what to do. How do you stop being Sarah and start trusting?

God has promised provision; it says so in Phil 4:19 - But my God shall supply (a.k.a. provide) all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Thank goodness He is bigger than me and can undo anything I do. I just can't see how He's gonna fix my mess, and that's scary.

Leaving Your Desires...and Picking Up Mine

I am learning that part of being an adult is making decisions based off of your own beliefs and not others. And that in order to make boundaries you have to inform the other party of your intentions. Both are very hard things to do when it involves people you are close to. There are people in each of our lives that we want to please whether in regards to the decisions we make, the places we go, the career we choose, person we marry, or (fill in the blank). We all have dreams and desires from the time we are young. Some people hide them, some strive to have them fulfilled and do anything to see them come true, some wish they would come true without doing anything, while others change them. Our dreams and desires naturally change and take shape as we grow older in good ways, and sometimes maybe in bad ways too. People come into our lives that show us the reality of some of our far off superhero-like dreams, like growing wings and flying, and sometimes the realistic dreams are crushed. For those of us who like to people please, it's easier to hide what we really want and believe to protect and keep those closest to us from the possibility of being hurt; it's easier to suffer than to express a want or need. However, that only hurts one person...you...me...us. It's hard and scary to take a stand and say "THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE" to someone who means a lot to you, who has expressed disappointment in you for that, and who has thought it to be untrue. I have seen in movies when a young adult decides they are no longer going to follow someone else's dream, and instead follow their own. There are usually some hurt feelings, but the other person always comes to see the young adults perspective in the next scene. I have also seen this scenario in real life with the outcome being very different. There are years of  no support from those closest to you, but you are doing what you believe you should, what you believe God wants you to do and a support system comes around you from your church family. We all want the perfect ending when we decide we are going to make our own decisions as adults, but it doesn't always happen that way. The Bible says we are to leave (and later cleave) in Gen 2:24 - "Therefore shall a man [or woman] leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife [or husband]: and they shall be one flesh". (brackets inserted by me)  Leaving is hard, and it doesn't mean forgoing sound advise simply to do something you want to do regardless of whether it matches with God's law and plan or not. The Hebrew word used in this verse is `azab and it means to loosen or relinquish. We are to loosen our ties with one so that we may eventually make them stronger with another person. Until that person comes around we are to strengthen our ties with "the Lover" -  Jesus. Sometimes that means we have to move in a direction that those closest to us disagree with. But if it's truly what God wants you to do, then there will be blessings in that. Sometimes you may not see the blessing for a while, but they will come. Or God will direct somewhere else. It's time to leave and follow what I believe God wants me to do and not be afraid to say and do so.

 

Singleness

Definitely enjoyed reading this. Good stuff. :)

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/28169-qlet-god-write-your-love-storyq

Reversing the Cycle

I grew up with the idea ingrained into me that God doesn't care about my feelings. They have a very strong opinion that whatever you want, God is going to withhold it from you. Wherever you want to go or do, He will call you in a completely different direction. And that if you are blessed with that one thing that you desire, it will be taken away from you by Him. For a long time I have believed this. I have seen how God has blessed others around me instantly, and how I have had to wait, and I've been jealous. I have allowed the lie that I must not be worthy enough to creep in. I have become excellent at striving and "working" towards being worthy enough in order to receive what my heart so desires. However, there's only so far you can go with that thought pattern. My parents are great examples of that. You become stuck, unable to move because of a lie. You can't see the things around you that have been blessed with. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I know in my head that God truly does care about my wants and feelings. He takes my desires and requests into consideration. But this is so difficult for me to believe in my heart. The other difficult part to believe is that I don't have to do anything for God to bless me. Why is that so hard to understand? He blesses His children because He loves them, not because one did more than another or earned it. Striving comes easy. Just sitting and receiving a gift from my heavenly father simply because He wants to bless me...not so much. It's time the thought pattern stopped. It's time to start believing that God has tremendously great things in store and that they are coming soon. It's time to believe that God cares about my feelings and desires, and He won't take away what He's given. This is so not going to be easy, but it well worth it in the end.

Hidden No More

High in the hills lies a cave.

Hidden in the landscape,

Common in appearance,

Yet holding something of importance.

Clandestine are kept deep within.

Darkness surrounds them,

Attempting to hide what needs the light.

Three guards stand at the entrance stand in sight,

Keeping the secrets in, and others out.

Shimtsah, Ga`avah, and Deilia

Keep watch day and night.

Though few in quantity,

They are strong and relentless.

Refusing to back down,

Threats are thrown around.

Their weapons sharply tipped,

Piercing through they tear and rip

Those who try to free the mystery.

For too long they have ruled. 

For too long they have fooled

Passerby into leaving with naught.

Only wounds have been caught.

No more.

Gather your armor and your sword,

Your army behind and your shield before.

This can't be hidden any more.

Shimtsah begone,

You have no place here.

Ga`avah your words mean nothing anymore.

Deilia your hold is no longer strong.

There will be suffering to pay,

But freedom will arrive along the way.

Triumph will come,

Light will shine in the deepest core.

The clandestine will be hidden no more.

'Never' is a Strong Word

 

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley

I don't usually participate in the Facebook challenges for status' and such, but this one turned out with an interesting answer. The task was to find the top song for the day/week you were born. Out of curiosity I looked it up. Turns out this song is a very cheesy love song filled with impossible promises to keep and an incredibly naive viewpoint. Funny how that would be the top song the week of my birth. You just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of this song. 

Disney Complex

I've heard of this several times throughout my life. The sadness of how little girls are affected by Disney princess movies their entire lives. I have never considered myself to have the Disney complex...that is til yesterday. Sadly enough I have now come to realize through the detailed explanation from the head youth leader that I am one of those girls that has the Disney complex. It was a little devastating and shameful when the realization came out. I have always thought myself above this interesting dilemma of young girls, and yet the evidence of the affects throughout my childhood are very clear. As Chad so brutally explained, many girls end up believing they need a man and that obtaining a relationship with one will make all our problems go away; once Prince Charming comes around the world will be perfect. *sigh. Yes for many years I did believe this to be true. Many times I would tell myself "If only I had a boyfriend". I wasn't really taught that Jesus is the Prince and the only one I need. Good thing He got a hold of me. Thankfully I do not think that to be true anymore and although the thought still comes up occasionally, now I aware of it and can nip it in the bud. However, I will always enjoy the prospect of being swept off my feet by a prince of the Godly kind ;-)

Exiled from SUCBrockport

Well it is now official...I really am no longer a college student. The college has locked me out of their system and I have lost my ID name and number. I am also no longer receiving emails about college events through BASIC or Campus Crusade. I am simply a memory. Haha! A little dramatic right? It is a little sad to be cut off completely from college. I miss it a lot at times, but only parts of it ;-)

Far from God's Plan

  

This commercial breaks my heart every time I see it. Not only because the wife treats her husband this way in a pretend atmosphere, but that it actually happens in real life and this commercial encourages it. So sad.

Oh the Olden Days

I looked up a song to see who it was played by and this picture came up amongst other sites relating to the song.

It's sad that the young men of today don't look as innocent as they use to. How society has changed.



Props for who knows these guys without looking it up :).