Hidden No More

High in the hills lies a cave.

Hidden in the landscape,

Common in appearance,

Yet holding something of importance.

Clandestine are kept deep within.

Darkness surrounds them,

Attempting to hide what needs the light.

Three guards stand at the entrance stand in sight,

Keeping the secrets in, and others out.

Shimtsah, Ga`avah, and Deilia

Keep watch day and night.

Though few in quantity,

They are strong and relentless.

Refusing to back down,

Threats are thrown around.

Their weapons sharply tipped,

Piercing through they tear and rip

Those who try to free the mystery.

For too long they have ruled. 

For too long they have fooled

Passerby into leaving with naught.

Only wounds have been caught.

No more.

Gather your armor and your sword,

Your army behind and your shield before.

This can't be hidden any more.

Shimtsah begone,

You have no place here.

Ga`avah your words mean nothing anymore.

Deilia your hold is no longer strong.

There will be suffering to pay,

But freedom will arrive along the way.

Triumph will come,

Light will shine in the deepest core.

The clandestine will be hidden no more.

'Never' is a Strong Word

 

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley

I don't usually participate in the Facebook challenges for status' and such, but this one turned out with an interesting answer. The task was to find the top song for the day/week you were born. Out of curiosity I looked it up. Turns out this song is a very cheesy love song filled with impossible promises to keep and an incredibly naive viewpoint. Funny how that would be the top song the week of my birth. You just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of this song. 

Disney Complex

I've heard of this several times throughout my life. The sadness of how little girls are affected by Disney princess movies their entire lives. I have never considered myself to have the Disney complex...that is til yesterday. Sadly enough I have now come to realize through the detailed explanation from the head youth leader that I am one of those girls that has the Disney complex. It was a little devastating and shameful when the realization came out. I have always thought myself above this interesting dilemma of young girls, and yet the evidence of the affects throughout my childhood are very clear. As Chad so brutally explained, many girls end up believing they need a man and that obtaining a relationship with one will make all our problems go away; once Prince Charming comes around the world will be perfect. *sigh. Yes for many years I did believe this to be true. Many times I would tell myself "If only I had a boyfriend". I wasn't really taught that Jesus is the Prince and the only one I need. Good thing He got a hold of me. Thankfully I do not think that to be true anymore and although the thought still comes up occasionally, now I aware of it and can nip it in the bud. However, I will always enjoy the prospect of being swept off my feet by a prince of the Godly kind ;-)

Exiled from SUCBrockport

Well it is now official...I really am no longer a college student. The college has locked me out of their system and I have lost my ID name and number. I am also no longer receiving emails about college events through BASIC or Campus Crusade. I am simply a memory. Haha! A little dramatic right? It is a little sad to be cut off completely from college. I miss it a lot at times, but only parts of it ;-)

Far from God's Plan

  

This commercial breaks my heart every time I see it. Not only because the wife treats her husband this way in a pretend atmosphere, but that it actually happens in real life and this commercial encourages it. So sad.

Oh the Olden Days

I looked up a song to see who it was played by and this picture came up amongst other sites relating to the song.

It's sad that the young men of today don't look as innocent as they use to. How society has changed.



Props for who knows these guys without looking it up :).

Happy 100!

Here it is, the 100th post. Quite honestly I didn't think I'd make it this far with this blog. Throughout my life I have gone through fazes where I have enjoyed keeping a journal and other times where I can't stand it. I figured I would get tired of writing posts on a blog for the very few people that read it, but that didn't really happen. There have been times where I really just wanted a small break from this blog, however I do enjoy putting my thoughts out there to whoever might like to read them. So Happy 100th post to me! Hopefully there will be a hundred more and people who will want to read them. lol!

The Inevitable

After 5 years of not having a primary care physician I have sadly reached the point in time where I need one. Over the past three weeks I have had an abundant array of physical maladies occur that really needed the attention of a doctor. However, since I don't have a primary care physician I have been stuck going to the after hour care in Spencerport and a random eye doctor that really didn't know what he was doing. It all started out with pink eye and a very swollen throat. Then it moved onto ear aches, coughing, headaches, and a still very swollen throat. After two weeks of that I caved and went to the after hour care for people who don't have a doctor. I was told it was all allergies, which I have never had before. My mom, though, thought it was mono. But did you know that you can't get a mono test without a doctor's note? Yeah, you can't. Which made my situation even more frustrating. Upon researching mono I found that all my symptoms, including the ones I gained along the way, were all on the list for mono. So I figure no big deal I'll just go get tested. Yeah, I couldn't get tested. After calling several different clinics and hospitals it all came down to one question - do you have a primary care physician? - to which I always had to answer no. And so I have to accept one more aspect of adulthood and get a doctor.
:-P

It's OK that I'm Me

In January I started volunteering at my churches youth group for a trial session in being a leader. It was awkward and hard to connect with the kids and I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. I felt like I didn't fit in with the other female leaders and I wasn't able to connect with any of the girls really. It was frustrating, point blank, and I couldn't figure out why. I felt under appreciated, left out of the loop, and unimportant. It was awful and I was ready to quit what I felt God was calling me to. I couldn't figure out why God would want me to work with youth (especially high school girls) if this was what I was going to feel like all the time.

And then it hit me only a couple weeks ago...I wasn't being me. I was constantly comparing myself to the other female youth leaders. Closely observing how they interacted with the kids and trying to copy be them. Without even realizing it I had the opinion that if I was exactly like Greta or Becca I would be liked more by the kids and the leaders. If I became what I thought they wanted me to be then I would feel better. But comparing myself with them hurt a lot because I am not them. I don't relate to the kids the same way they do. It's not that I don't know as much about God than they do - although they may know a little more than me having known God longer - it was about trying to please them instead of God. Somehow I got all mixed up about what I why I was actually there and I became trapped in this mind set that I needed to please the other leaders or else I was doing it wrong. The more I tried to please, the less the other leaders commented on things I was doing. They weren't doing it to try to be mean, in fact they probably didn't realize that they were even doing it. Looking at it now it was probably God trying to get me to please Him instead of others.

Well I have come to terms with it somewhat. I won't ever be like Greta and Becca when it comes to relating to these kids. In some ways I might, but as a whole not really. I am loud, I like to be funny and ridiculous, and have ridiculous amounts of fun with the kids. I'm not really demure (meaning serious and reserved, although I can be at times) and I am sarcastic. I am sure the other women leaders can be the exact same thing at times, but so far I haven't seen it. They are the adults and not at all like the kids. I want to be both. I want to be a kid with them and still be in authority, which I can be. It's ok for me to be me. And it really doesn't matter what the others think. As soon as I stopped being someone else, I connected with the kids and felt so free and alive with them.

I'm not Greta or Becca, I'm me and God likes that.

*A little discrepancy note: Dea, if you read this I didn't forget you were a leader, I just haven't compared myself to you yet =D

Tick Tock...

As I was cleaning out my fish Hallel's tank today I started thinking about something that happened a couple weeks ago. It is something I am slightly ashamed about and am yet intrigued and confused about it. A little while back I had the glorious task of babysitting for a friend of mine. They have three children - 6,4, and 2 months. It has been a long time since I've taken care of a little baby and was very excited for the task since I have been missing that part of working in a child care setting. Throughout the night I found myself doing something that has never happened before when taking care of a little baby. I had a very strong desire to say to the baby, "It's ok, Mamma's gonna...". I realize that I am obviously not the child's mother and quite honestly I am really unsure why the need to have that baby recognize me as mom was there. It didn't just happen once either. All night whenever the baby fussed I had to catch myself from saying I was her mom.  Every time it would happen there would be a couple thoughts that would cross my mind - what would her mother think if she knew I almost kept calling myself her mother? and why do I keep doing this? It was getting a little frustrating because it seemed to come so naturally.

This has never happened before. I haven't ever wanted to call a child that clearly belonged to someone else my own. When I was a little girl I used to pretend what it would be like to be a mom-to-be. I would put pillows and balls up my shirt and walk around pretending to be pregnant. There isn't one girl I don't know who hasn't done this at least once in her life, whether by joke or seriously. So what's going on now to make that change? Well I can only think of one thing - my biological clock is ticking loud and clear. I am not that old. Even though I may say I feel old at 23 sometimes, I really do know that I'm not. Maybe it's not my biological clock. But if it isn't, then why is this desire to call a child my own so strong right now?