Friday, July 15, 2011

It's OK that I'm Me

In January I started volunteering at my churches youth group for a trial session in being a leader. It was awkward and hard to connect with the kids and I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. I felt like I didn't fit in with the other female leaders and I wasn't able to connect with any of the girls really. It was frustrating, point blank, and I couldn't figure out why. I felt under appreciated, left out of the loop, and unimportant. It was awful and I was ready to quit what I felt God was calling me to. I couldn't figure out why God would want me to work with youth (especially high school girls) if this was what I was going to feel like all the time.

And then it hit me only a couple weeks ago...I wasn't being me. I was constantly comparing myself to the other female youth leaders. Closely observing how they interacted with the kids and trying to copy be them. Without even realizing it I had the opinion that if I was exactly like Greta or Becca I would be liked more by the kids and the leaders. If I became what I thought they wanted me to be then I would feel better. But comparing myself with them hurt a lot because I am not them. I don't relate to the kids the same way they do. It's not that I don't know as much about God than they do - although they may know a little more than me having known God longer - it was about trying to please them instead of God. Somehow I got all mixed up about what I why I was actually there and I became trapped in this mind set that I needed to please the other leaders or else I was doing it wrong. The more I tried to please, the less the other leaders commented on things I was doing. They weren't doing it to try to be mean, in fact they probably didn't realize that they were even doing it. Looking at it now it was probably God trying to get me to please Him instead of others.

Well I have come to terms with it somewhat. I won't ever be like Greta and Becca when it comes to relating to these kids. In some ways I might, but as a whole not really. I am loud, I like to be funny and ridiculous, and have ridiculous amounts of fun with the kids. I'm not really demure (meaning serious and reserved, although I can be at times) and I am sarcastic. I am sure the other women leaders can be the exact same thing at times, but so far I haven't seen it. They are the adults and not at all like the kids. I want to be both. I want to be a kid with them and still be in authority, which I can be. It's ok for me to be me. And it really doesn't matter what the others think. As soon as I stopped being someone else, I connected with the kids and felt so free and alive with them.

I'm not Greta or Becca, I'm me and God likes that.

*A little discrepancy note: Dea, if you read this I didn't forget you were a leader, I just haven't compared myself to you yet =D


above all else: Love said...

I like you also :)

glad to hear you got some clarity.

Heather said...

i like you too! =]
love, me.
all the way from KC on my 730 in the morning "late night". ;] xo