Monday, January 11, 2010

Confessions of a Single Girl

I've been thinking a lot lately about waiting for the perfect man. I've received several books about waiting and being virtuous during past Christmases. I have enjoyed reading each of those books, but there is something I've realized that each one has in common - they are all written by women who have dated a multitude of men and haven't found "him". The Chicken Soul books and ones similar to it are the same as well. Women who have dated again and again tell their readers how hard it has been and how hurt they have gotten. In no way am I demeaning that fact. I know that you get hurt every time a relationship ends, but what about the girls who have never dated and are struggling with that as well as waiting. I am and have been one such girl. I have not dated anyone or had a boyfriend my entire life. Reading the books about virtuosity and waiting were nice, interesting, and encouraging a little but they didn't really help me with my own situation. I know there are probably more girls out there who have dated many guys than those who haven't dated at all. For all those girls who are in their 20's and never dated, this is for you.

I have been told on numerous occasions by a couple people that I am better off not having my heart broken over and over again by old boyfriends. I feel as though it is assumed that I suffer less and am hurt less because I have never dated. Well guess what, that isn't true. Since I was 5 I have wanted to marry. In fact my life goal at one point was to be a wife and a mother; not college or a certain career, haha. Even though I have not dated yet, a similar hurt that is there when you end a relationship has been with me. On numerous occasions throughout my life I have been interested in different guys; since about kindergarten. I don't really remember times in my childhood (before 17 or 18) where I didn't consistently have a crush on someone. I desired love in the worst way. The crushes that I had were not simply a one week or month kind of thing either, when I had a crush it was for a long time. The longest crush I had on a guy was for 6 years. Each time I kept hoping and praying that they would love me in return. Just as a girl gives her heart away to her boyfriend when they are in that relationship, so did I. It wasn't something I meant to do or even realized I did while I was in the situation, but I realize it now. I would hope continually that my crush would like me back and tell me. I would walk in denial, convincing myself that the person was really madly in love with me and it would just take time for him tell me. It's crazy I know, but when you are desperate for something, being realistic doesn't really happen. Emotions take over and it's hard to convince the heart what the head knows to be true. At one point or another I would have to face the hard fact that the affection I had for the other person was not and would never be returned. Even though I was not in a relationship with that person, it was like I was going through a break up. The feelings of rejection and heartbreak were there and very real. I won't pretend I know what going through a break up with a boyfriend is, but based off of what I've seen with friends and heard from others I can pretty much guess what I felt was pretty similar.

I woke up one day and realized how much I was hurting myself by putting myself through these situations. It was all by my own doing. I was lowering my standards for any guy that would show the least bit of interest, and many of the guys I liked I would not go for again because I know how it has hurt me. I have high, what I sometimes feel like are too high, standards for my future husband.  They are Godly characteristics that I thought about in great detail over the years as I've grown. As I was thinking about these standards I realized that there is NO way I will ever be able to find the man for me on my own. God is the only one who can do it. Of course I've known this for a really long time, but knowing and "knowing" are two different things. Knowing is when you have knowledge of a fact in your head. But "knowing", is when you take that fact or piece of information and really believe it in your heart. (Sometimes it takes a while for this transition to occur.) Standards are something every girl should have. We each will differ in them, but we should all have them and refuse to back down for second best because we can't wait any longer. Easier said than done. Patience is a virtue, and a very hard one to attain; especially when you've waited years and years.

I don't want to act like I have it all set. I don't. I struggle with waiting all the time. Most of the time I'm ok with it, but sometimes I am not. I could say to every girl that is waiting for the right one that she just has to be patient and he will show up, but I know that frustrates me a lot when I hear it over and over again. It is true that he will come, eventually, but more important is how I need to go before God every day and give up the control of trying to find "him" on my own. I need to trust God to bring him to me (or me to him) in HIS OWN TIME. That's probably one of the hardest concepts - God's timing. We never know what it is or when He will do things. Sometimes it gets really frustrating because we want what we want when we want it. But no matter how much I a husband, I will always agree that if I wait for God , it will be sooooooo much more pleasurable and exciting and beautiful when it happens. Like jumping in a pool after you've worked all day outside in the hot sun. Yes, I probably will falter and make more mistakes. But God will always welcome me back into His timing and His plan. So if this is something you struggle with, take it before God. Ask a Goldy woman of your church to disciple you and be your spiritual authority. The change may not be instantaneous, but change will occur and it will slowly get easier. It's taken a long time for me to get where I am. (At one point I couldn't even talk to someone about this struggle and desire.) And I can't wait to see what God has in store for me over the next several years. I know it will be more than I can imagine.

Ps 130:5-6 "I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning ; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning"

Is 34:16 "Seek from the book of the LORD, and read : Not one of these will be missing ; None will lack its mate. For His mouth has commanded, And His Spirit has gathered them."

1 Cor. 7: 34-36 "The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit ; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.This I say for your own benefit ; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord. But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his virgin daughter, if she is past her youth, and if it must be so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin ; let her marry.

Seek diligently after the Lord while single, and He will provide for you a spouse.

"Knowledge without expectancy leads to dead religion."

9 comments:

Heather said...

very, very wonderful em! so that's why you wanted the verse ;]
you should write that book we were talking about....for real.

@eloh said...

Very heart felt post.

Jordynn said...

So good and so true. This makes me miss our heart to hearts from the summer. Through staying single and through your struggles you have gained so much wisdom that blesses everyone around you.

Love you so much

Above all else: Love said...

<3 <3 im glad you got this out & written so beautifully

Emily Elizabeth said...

thanks for the compliments everyone =D

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Emily Elizabeth said...

thank you jet

Abi said...

yeah me and my best friend have been thinking about the perfect man a lot lately to. Sometimes it's really hard to understand why mr, right hasnt come yet.

Patience is the hard virtue we are learning.

Emily Elizabeth said...

i feel you there abi. unfortunately the only way to learn patience is to wait. *sigh, haha! i know it's cliche but mr right really is out there and he's waiting for you too. your husband will feel even more appreciated if you wait for him. it'll be really special. =D