Trials

God never gives us more than we can handle. But He sure does push it to the limit.

Lies

For years I’ve listened,
To the lies of Satan.
I’m fat.
I’m worthless.
I’ll never lose weight.
I will always be alone.
I’m a bother to others.
My sins are unforgivable.
No one will ever want me.
I’m not pretty and never will be.
I’m a doubter and always will be.
People don’t really want to hear about me.
I am ugly and look like a boy with short hair.
I won’t ever hear God talking to me/ guiding me.
God doesn’t care/ He doesn’t love me, how could He?
I have to accomplish things myself, because God will never do it.
But no more, I don’t want to believe the lies any longer.
God take these lies, and turn them around.
It’s time to start the healing.
You do guide me otherwise I wouldn’t be where I am in life.
I don’t need to take control, because You are in control.
People do want to hear about me and how I’m doing.
There is someone out there who will want me.
I won’t ever be alone, because You are here.
Who cares how short or long your hair is.
My sins are forgiven, and forgotten.
I can lose the weight.
I am pretty as I am.
I’m not a bother.
I’m worthy.
God, help me
To never believe the lies again.

Express Yourself

Here is an awesome site. It lets you 'paint' your own abstract picture. Try it out.
http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

My Fears

The Dark
The woods
Getting lost
Growing up
Crabs, sharks
Horror movies
Being rebellious
Being vulnerable
Having short hair
Being in a relationship
Ferocious wild animals
Messing my children up
Living in VT my whole life
That I will give up on God
My faith isn’t strong enough
Dying before I’ve been kissed
Being a doubter my whole life
Giving up Christianity for a guy
Being in debt the rest of my life
God not coming through for me
Spending the rest of my life alone
Failing in my relationship with God
Being eaten by a bear, lion, tiger, etc
Not knowing what is going to happen
That I won’t make a difference in the world
Never being free of the things I struggle with
That I won’t be able to travel and see the world
Not being loved by a guy/ never meeting Mr. Right
Becoming obese/ being unable to control my weight
The ocean and any body of water that I can’t see the bottom
Not being able to hold myself back physically in a relationship

Forbidden is More Alluring

What do you do with a forbidden love?
It looks so appealing and delicious.
Leaving it behind, would be leaving an opportunity.
What if no one else wants me?
He’s here now, and he’s willing to love me.
He’s so sweet and kind, and he makes me feel pretty.
Does this really have to be this way?
A forbidden love is so tempting.
He’s not a Christian, but he picked me.
Am I really willing to compromise my beliefs?
Yes, no, maybe, I don’t know.
I’m tired of waiting for the ‘right one’.
How much longer will it be?
I really want to take matters into my own hands,
But I know that would be wrong.
Am I the only one that feels like this?
Forbidden seems so much more alluring.
Be strong, hold fast, and the truth will set you free.

Love

It’s something I know in my head,
But my heart refuses to believe.
How could you love me,
After the countless times
I’ve rejected You, and left You behind
As I went and did my own thing?
I don’t understand, this love
You have for me.
My mind is unable to comprehend
A love that never ceases,
No matter what I do.
I don’t ‘feel’ it.
There must be something wrong with me.
Others are always telling me
Of the love You have for them.
‘Let Him love on you’.
That’s what they say,
But I don’t understand how to do that.
How can I let You love on me,
When I don’t love myself?

My Testimony

My parents became Christians when I was around 2, so I grew up in a Christian home. But I did not become a Christian until I was older. I don’t remember saying “the prayer” when I was younger, but I always told people I had. Unfortunately my life did not follow a Christian walk. I didn’t really understand what being a Christian meant. I thought that if I said I knew God and believed that He existed then I would go to heaven. Between the ages of 6 and 12 I developed really hurtful habits because I was being verbally hurt by others. I was physically and verbally abusing my younger siblings, I was blackmailing my sister into pretending to perform sexual acts with me, and I was a liar. On top of that, the thoughts that I had were all but Christian like. All of this I kept hidden from my parents. I made my siblings fear me so they wouldn’t tell our parents. To this day, I don’t think my parents know the extent of my abusiveness to them. At the end of summer in 2000, I was 12 at the time, a guest preacher at a camp I was attending challenged the campers with a question – “Can you honestly look at yourself and say you are a Christian”. My automatic thought was “yes”. After all, I did believe there was a God and I had thought up until that point that what I had been previously been doing was ok. God didn’t think so. A spirit of conviction came over me and I really started to question whether or not I was really a Christian. After several weeks, I decided I wasn’t and didn’t want to be. My parents were disappointed, but they supported my decision. I took the opportunity to enjoy being mean to my siblings, and so I increased the abuse quite a bit, but not enough that my parents would find out. It felt like my world was out of control and I had no way of stopping it. A huge hole developed in my life, and hard as I tried I couldn’t get it to go away on my own. I realized that when I had said I was a Christian, my world had felt under control. I didn’t take long for me to realize that I needed to truly become a Christian. So I did, for “fire insurance” (passage to heaven) more than anything. And I knew it would make my parents happy, but I had no real intention of really changing my pattern of behavior. God had other plans. I started being convicted of the different bad habits I had. Slowly God started changing me. I stopped the previous bad habits against my siblings, but I still struggled with a lot of stuff. There were a lot of barriers I had put up throughout my life so I wouldn’t get hurt and so my parents wouldn’t find out who I really was. I was wearing a mask. When I was 17, I broke away from my family and attended a different church. It was there that I decided I wanted a relationship with God and not just “fire insurance”. I committed my life to God, to have a relationship with Him, and to try as hard as I could to live my life in a way that would please and glorify Him.

Remember that Bad Days are for Our Good

"God is looking for living sacrifices.He's still in charge when we find ourselves in miserable situations - suffering, tempted, or worse. He will keep us there as long as He sees fit because unless we truly learn to submit our hearts and minds to God's will, we'll never grow up to become fully devoted believers."

"Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on.

It's time to fix what's been broken too long.

It's time to make right, what has been wronged.

It's time to find my way to where I belong.

There's a wave that's crashing over me,

And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever You're doing inside of me.

It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.

And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,

But I'm giving into something heavenly.

Time for a milestone.

Time to begin again.

Revaluate who I really am.

Am i doing everything to follow your will?

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

So show me what it is you want from me.

I give everything.

I surrender.

To whatever you're doing inside of me.

It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.

And though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see

I'm giving into something heavenly,

Something heavenly.

Time to face up.

Clean this old house.

Time to breathe in and let everything out.

What I wanted to say for so many years.

Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever You're doing inside of me.

It feels like chaos, but I believe.

You're up to something bigger than me,

Larger than life,

Something heavenly.

Whatever You're doing inside of me.

It feels lie chaos, but now I can see.

This is something bigger than me,

Larger than life.

Something heavenly, something heavenly

It's time to face up.

Clean this old house.

Time to breathe in and let everything out.

Pumpkin Season

School in Fall

Seeing Through Your Eyes

Every day we see the world through our own eyes.
It’s hard to imagine what someone else’s life is like.
We get so wrapped up in our own world,
That we forget there are other things going on around us.

This person lost their job,
That person just got a promotion,
A baby is born,
Someone dies.

Whether we like it or not,
Life keeps going.
Things keep changing,
And time does not stop for anyone.

There are only so many opportunities
We have to make a difference.
So what would it take, for me
To see life through your eyes?

Mirror Image

How is it – that when I see me,
I see an ugly monster?
The mirror holds no joy,
For my troubled heart.
Some say I am average,
But for some reason
I say, ‘I am fat’.
What does it take to be beautiful,
In a society,
Where beauty is unachievable?
Your complexion’s not right,
Your hair is all wrong,
Your clothes are disgusting,
Your weight is abominable –
The voices around me say.
After a while, I believe them.
When will my mirror image,
Be something I can enjoy?

Patience

How long will I have to wait,
For the guy my heart desires?

Patience

Will it be next week,
Or several years down the line?

Patience

I don’t think I can wait.
My heart cries out to be loved by another.

Patience

Is it so wrong,
To want this love?

Patience

I want him to call me ‘beautiful’,
But it seems like it’ll never happen.

Patience

You keep saying that,
But this doesn’t hurt any less.

Patience

Slowly the pain ebbs away.
Day after day goes by.

Patience

What am I to do,
While I wait?

Patience