The End

This is my last weekend on a college campus. I will miss this. The massive amounts of people only seconds away. The ability to meet up with friends on the spur of the moment. College at Brockport, you will be missed by this girl. However, I will not miss the homework or having to sit through a class you can't stand. Lol! Out of everything I'll miss, the companionship of friends is number one. Many days I have spent trying to prepare my myself for the inevitable end of college. That day is tomorrow. I'm excited/scared/sad all at the same time. Last year when I went to graduation, I wasn't able to make it all the way back to my room before crying. Don't ask why it was so emotional, I don't even know. Haha! But it was. So I wonder, how will I react when I walk onto that stage and receive my blank piece of paper? Will I be able to hold in my emotions long enough til I'm at least away from everyone? Will I break down during graduation? (I really hope not) Will I not shed one tear? It's amazing to me that I've made it this far in life. In sixth grade I was so worried I wouldn't even be able to pass middle school, so how on earth was I going to pass college. But here I am - a college graduate. I've finished every assignment, and now I'm just packing and waiting for tomorrow. It's a little surreal at the moment, that tomorrow is graduation. Yesterday it didn't seem that way, but today it does. I've never thought any farther ahead than this my entire life. Oh boy. This is it. The end of the chapter. The door for life and the real world. Lord, help me get through this, I gonna need it.

New Hair?

Here's a short conversation I had with one of my male students yesterday.

T: I like your hair.
Me: Thanks. I let it go natural today, so that's why it's curly. (Most of the time I'll have my hair up or straightened when I go to placement. Makes it easier.)
T: No, I know you got a new one put in.
Me: (Thinking for a second to figure out what he means. Light bulb goes off) No, this is my hair.
T: No it's not. I know you got some new hair. It's different than last week.
Me: (I thought about explaining it to him, but decided not; instead I laughed) Well thank you.

Oh children, how I love them. :)

Colorblindness

This past week during my placement, I had an interesting conversation with one of my students. I don't remember a lot from our conversation, but there is something in particular that struck me. She had colorblindness. Now I don't mean this in the sense that she couldn't see colors, not at all. She is colorblind in the sense of skin color. While I am white, she is black. One day she came up to me and called me 'That's so Raven'. So I asked her if I looked like Raven. Her first response was yes, but then she thought about it for a second and said that I looked like Hannah Montana instead. Here is a little look at how parts of the conversation went.

Me: I don't look like Raven cause I'm too white, right?
T: No, but Raven is black.
Me: But that means I'm too white.
T: No.
Me: What are some differences between me and Raven?
(several differences were given)
T: Your hair is different.
Me: How is my hair different?
T: Well Raven always has her hair up.
Me: Oh, and isn't her hair longer than mine?
T: Yeah.

So why did I point out these particular points of the conversation? Well, this shows just how much skin color doesn't matter to this child. I kept telling her that I was white and therefore could not look like someone who is black because our skin color is so different (this was simply said to gauge what this child thought and not because it matters to me, because it doesn't really). However, this child did not see skin color as the deal breaker on whether I look like Raven or not. The hair is significant because my hair is different than hers. I was expecting her to say something about how the texture of Raven's and my hair is different. But nope, she didn't see it. It was amazing to see how a child who lives in a culture where the majority of people are the same race as her would not see the obvious differences between me, the white girl, and herself. The other reason it surprised me was because white kids would most likely tell me I didn't look like Raven because of my skin color. I know not all white kids would say this, but I have a feeling the majority would even if they didn't mean it in a mean way; skin color would be pointed out. So how come this child can't see the difference between my skin and hers, but many white children I've come into contact with would notice? I don't know.

Being the Minority is a Little Awkward Sometimes

Today during my placement, we had an assembly to celebrate Black History Month at the end of the day. My kids had been practicing the black national anthem for a couple weeks and I was excited to see them perform. Being in a city school, I sometimes feel a little awkward being the minority amongst the students and staff. I don't have any judgments about them, but sometimes I wonder if there's a stereotype that I am judged off of from the older students and  parents. You can tell who really doesn't care that I'm white and who does. If I walk in the school and smile at one of the parents or staff members I see and they smile back or say hi, you know they could really care less what color I am. But then there are those who pretend like I'm not even there; that's always a little awkward. Anyway I'm getting away from my story. I am a little embarrassed to say that I did not know there was such a thing as a black national anthem until two weeks ago, so for all of you that don't know as well, there is. haha! It's a very nice song actually and it has a catchy tune. So when my kids went up and started singing their anthem, I started singing it softly with them from the audience like many of the other parents/teachers/students that were there watching. And then the realization came to me, I won't ever be able to sing that song with the same enthusiasm and passion as those parents were. Suddenly I felt really awkward being white. I felt like I didn't belong and couldn't relate to many of the others in the room. I wondered what the parents thought of me, a little white girl, singing their national anthem and I became conscious of how weird I might seem to them. The feeling of not deserving to share with them in their singing crossed my mind. Now, I don't treat others of different colors any different then I treat people who are the same color as me; at least I try. Given, I feel like I sometimes have to be very careful what I say around certain races so as not to offend anyone by making a comment that could be taken the wrong way, but I don't think of anyone differently because of their color. I don't know if I'm making sense or not, but it just felt awkward for me during the assembly simply because I was the minority and I couldn't share in the feelings of those around me in the same way. Well anyway, the kids sang wonderfully and I loved watching them.

On a side note, most of them have really warmed up to me and are not afraid to come for a hug. This really makes me happy cause they don't get a lot of positive physical touch from teachers, and I am more than happy to give them this show of love. Even some of the boys will come for a hug when I come into the classroom. I would say the only child that seems really unsure of me is the one white child. haha! Although my kids may need a little E.G.R. (Extra Grace Required - "credit to Holly Ritchie") I love them very dearly no matter how I may complain sometimes about the frustrating attitudes.

Uncalled For

Since I've started my field placement this semester I've been thinking a lot about how a teacher is perceived by the students. I'm finally completing my last placement and I am in the inner city again. It may sound weird, but I really like being in an inner city school. Although, I hate driving in the city. haha! Anyway, there are two teachers in my classroom of 1st graders. One of the teachers has given me this thought of how much do we affect children. All three times I've gone so far, this woman has torn apart at least one (if not three or four) children for something they didn't do perfectly or something they're having trouble with. I wonder if she saw herself on a camera and heard the way she sounds if she would continue to act and speak the same way. School is supposed to be somewhere these kids can come and feel secure and not judged. Instead, one kid gets balled out because he didn't cut something the right way and another one gets yelled at for answering a question honestly. I don't care whether a child is a troublemaker or someone who is frustrating a lot, no child deserves to be yelled at in front of the entire class for being "bad". Today, one particular child was having a really hard time sitting perfectly during the math lesson. So this teacher asked him if she was boring him. He was completely honest with his answer. He looked her in the face and said yes. She then proceeded to yell at him for giving an honest answer and told him several times how rude he was. Umm excuse me, but you asked him a question and he gave you an answer. If you didn't want to hear that you weren't keeping the attention of your 1st grade student, don't ask. It makes me wonder how I come off to kids and what messages I'm sending them. I certainly hope I'm not making them feel like they are a waste of my time and that they frustrate me all the time or that they're worthless. If I was one of those students that is exactly what I would feel from this teacher. It constantly reminds me that I need to watch my body language, the tone of voice I use and the words I choose. Just something to ponder.

99 Balloons

This is a beautiful yet very sad story.

Confessions of a Single Girl

I've been thinking a lot lately about waiting for the perfect man. I've received several books about waiting and being virtuous during past Christmases. I have enjoyed reading each of those books, but there is something I've realized that each one has in common - they are all written by women who have dated a multitude of men and haven't found "him". The Chicken Soul books and ones similar to it are the same as well. Women who have dated again and again tell their readers how hard it has been and how hurt they have gotten. In no way am I demeaning that fact. I know that you get hurt every time a relationship ends, but what about the girls who have never dated and are struggling with that as well as waiting. I am and have been one such girl. I have not dated anyone or had a boyfriend my entire life. Reading the books about virtuosity and waiting were nice, interesting, and encouraging a little but they didn't really help me with my own situation. I know there are probably more girls out there who have dated many guys than those who haven't dated at all. For all those girls who are in their 20's and never dated, this is for you.

I have been told on numerous occasions by a couple people that I am better off not having my heart broken over and over again by old boyfriends. I feel as though it is assumed that I suffer less and am hurt less because I have never dated. Well guess what, that isn't true. Since I was 5 I have wanted to marry. In fact my life goal at one point was to be a wife and a mother; not college or a certain career, haha. Even though I have not dated yet, a similar hurt that is there when you end a relationship has been with me. On numerous occasions throughout my life I have been interested in different guys; since about kindergarten. I don't really remember times in my childhood (before 17 or 18) where I didn't consistently have a crush on someone. I desired love in the worst way. The crushes that I had were not simply a one week or month kind of thing either, when I had a crush it was for a long time. The longest crush I had on a guy was for 6 years. Each time I kept hoping and praying that they would love me in return. Just as a girl gives her heart away to her boyfriend when they are in that relationship, so did I. It wasn't something I meant to do or even realized I did while I was in the situation, but I realize it now. I would hope continually that my crush would like me back and tell me. I would walk in denial, convincing myself that the person was really madly in love with me and it would just take time for him tell me. It's crazy I know, but when you are desperate for something, being realistic doesn't really happen. Emotions take over and it's hard to convince the heart what the head knows to be true. At one point or another I would have to face the hard fact that the affection I had for the other person was not and would never be returned. Even though I was not in a relationship with that person, it was like I was going through a break up. The feelings of rejection and heartbreak were there and very real. I won't pretend I know what going through a break up with a boyfriend is, but based off of what I've seen with friends and heard from others I can pretty much guess what I felt was pretty similar.

I woke up one day and realized how much I was hurting myself by putting myself through these situations. It was all by my own doing. I was lowering my standards for any guy that would show the least bit of interest, and many of the guys I liked I would not go for again because I know how it has hurt me. I have high, what I sometimes feel like are too high, standards for my future husband.  They are Godly characteristics that I thought about in great detail over the years as I've grown. As I was thinking about these standards I realized that there is NO way I will ever be able to find the man for me on my own. God is the only one who can do it. Of course I've known this for a really long time, but knowing and "knowing" are two different things. Knowing is when you have knowledge of a fact in your head. But "knowing", is when you take that fact or piece of information and really believe it in your heart. (Sometimes it takes a while for this transition to occur.) Standards are something every girl should have. We each will differ in them, but we should all have them and refuse to back down for second best because we can't wait any longer. Easier said than done. Patience is a virtue, and a very hard one to attain; especially when you've waited years and years.

I don't want to act like I have it all set. I don't. I struggle with waiting all the time. Most of the time I'm ok with it, but sometimes I am not. I could say to every girl that is waiting for the right one that she just has to be patient and he will show up, but I know that frustrates me a lot when I hear it over and over again. It is true that he will come, eventually, but more important is how I need to go before God every day and give up the control of trying to find "him" on my own. I need to trust God to bring him to me (or me to him) in HIS OWN TIME. That's probably one of the hardest concepts - God's timing. We never know what it is or when He will do things. Sometimes it gets really frustrating because we want what we want when we want it. But no matter how much I a husband, I will always agree that if I wait for God , it will be sooooooo much more pleasurable and exciting and beautiful when it happens. Like jumping in a pool after you've worked all day outside in the hot sun. Yes, I probably will falter and make more mistakes. But God will always welcome me back into His timing and His plan. So if this is something you struggle with, take it before God. Ask a Goldy woman of your church to disciple you and be your spiritual authority. The change may not be instantaneous, but change will occur and it will slowly get easier. It's taken a long time for me to get where I am. (At one point I couldn't even talk to someone about this struggle and desire.) And I can't wait to see what God has in store for me over the next several years. I know it will be more than I can imagine.

Ps 130:5-6 "I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning ; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning"

Is 34:16 "Seek from the book of the LORD, and read : Not one of these will be missing ; None will lack its mate. For His mouth has commanded, And His Spirit has gathered them."

1 Cor. 7: 34-36 "The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit ; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.This I say for your own benefit ; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord. But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his virgin daughter, if she is past her youth, and if it must be so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin ; let her marry.

Seek diligently after the Lord while single, and He will provide for you a spouse.

"Knowledge without expectancy leads to dead religion."