Sunday, August 26, 2012

It's the Worst at Night

Over the past several weeks (or maybe it's been a couple months, I don't remember when it started) life has been quite a roller coaster ride of ups and downs emotionally. I'm not exactly sure why one particular thing has been such a focal point issue lately. There are a couple days in a row where I'll be perfectly fine. The overwhelming emotions subside and I am content with where I am and confident in what I can do. Then other days its a back and forth fight where I can be alright and then without warning a great sadness will come over me. I fight as much as I can in the down times, but sometimes I get so tired and I give in to the emotions for a little while. I tend to give in towards the end of the day when I'm physically tired and emotionally strained from fighting off the sadness.

I have gone through loneliness this intense only one other time. It wasn't a happy time. I was plagued with depression and felt alone in everything; spiritually and physically. The depression had got so bad that I began thinking up ways to end it all. Thankfully I was too afraid to do anything. There have been other points in life since that season six years ago where the loneliness has come, but only for a glimpse.

This time around, the loneliness is different. It is definitely intense and overwhelming at times, however it's only been in a physical sense. I haven't felt separated from God, which is a great blessing. (In fact I can sense His presence almost all the time.) Sometimes I can be hanging out with friends having a good time and then out of nowhere I can feel so physically alone in a crowd. Maybe it's being brought on from the marriages/engagements/relationships of people that I know around me. (Not that there has been a significant amount, but still.) Maybe it's because the hope of a husband coming around soon is almost non-existent. I absolutely believe that God can do something and change situations within a second; He is all powerful after all. I don't know the exact reason for this loneliness, I just know it's here and has been for a little while.

The worst is at night, when I'm trying to go sleep and the obviousness of the empty half of the bed is right there. It makes me anxious and worried that maybe God is gonna make me wait for years. I may have many years ahead of me, but when you've been waiting for Mr. Right since you were 15 or younger a couple more years is a little daunting. All the doubts come forth in the dark when you try so hard to shut your brain off and not think about how utterly single you are and the possibility of being that way for a while more.

Being single has it's advantages. I have more freedom right now than I will when I am married. I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want and manage my own money without consulting with someone else.The free time I have is pretty great. My room is my space that I don't have to share with anyone. And yet my heart aches to have someone to share life with. Being married doesn't fix the problems of my life or bring incessant happiness, I know this. I just want the loneliness to stop.

Sorry for being kind of depressing.

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