All it Takes...

is a side glance and a whisper from a group of guys for my insecurity to go from a mouse to a monster. My mind starts going, wondering what flaw they are picking out and laughing about. Is it my personality? Is it something about my appearance? Did I say something really stupid and not know it? Are they making fun of my laugh?

I go from being confident in the task I am doing to completely insecure in a second. Something I am doing, or how I look, is causing side glances and whispers and quiet snickers. It's tormenting. I no longer feel comfortable in my body or actions. The worthlessness creeps in fast. I don't know how to stop it...the feeling of not belonging, the confusion of trying to figure out what must be wrong with me.

The voices inside take the opportunity to plague me. How do you stop the damage from happening when it only takes a second for it to be over? When you can't even see it coming? There's no warning...the arrow just pierces. 

Wanting

When is my heart going to stop hurting every time I go to a wedding shower, wedding, baby shower, etc.? The older I get and stay single, the more left out I feel in life. I love going to showers and weddings; they make my heart excited for what's to come for the unions being celebrated or the blessings coming. Then everyone leaves, daily life returns, and the lack shows up more than before. It only lasts for a couple days afterward...a lot less than it used to...but it still hurts. Sometimes I wonder if the women who can't have children feel the same hurt all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm alone in feeling this way. This weekend there was a wedding and a baby shower...a double whammy. More friends are in relationships or having kids. There were at least 5 babies at the shower today!

I am not content being in this stage of life. I have several friends who would be perfectly happy being celibate their entire lives. I don't understand that, and I'm sure they don't understand my perspective. A lot of people use the word content with single. "You have to be content being single before God will give you a spouse" is the most heard phrase. For so long I have said I am content, content in waiting, content in being single. But I'm not. I have finally found the word that fits how I feel.

Tolerant.

I try my best to enjoy life as it is now, to live it to the fullest. I try not to dwell on how most of the people I know are living life with a spouse and kids and I'm not. I try to be joyful about where God has me. It must be for a reason...I just don't know it. I try to be content about being single, but I come up always being tolerant. And ya know what? I'm not sure that's a bad thing.