Wanting

When is my heart going to stop hurting every time I go to a wedding shower, wedding, baby shower, etc.? The older I get and stay single, the more left out I feel in life. I love going to showers and weddings; they make my heart excited for what's to come for the unions being celebrated or the blessings coming. Then everyone leaves, daily life returns, and the lack shows up more than before. It only lasts for a couple days afterward...a lot less than it used to...but it still hurts. Sometimes I wonder if the women who can't have children feel the same hurt all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm alone in feeling this way. This weekend there was a wedding and a baby shower...a double whammy. More friends are in relationships or having kids. There were at least 5 babies at the shower today!

I am not content being in this stage of life. I have several friends who would be perfectly happy being celibate their entire lives. I don't understand that, and I'm sure they don't understand my perspective. A lot of people use the word content with single. "You have to be content being single before God will give you a spouse" is the most heard phrase. For so long I have said I am content, content in waiting, content in being single. But I'm not. I have finally found the word that fits how I feel.

Tolerant.

I try my best to enjoy life as it is now, to live it to the fullest. I try not to dwell on how most of the people I know are living life with a spouse and kids and I'm not. I try to be joyful about where God has me. It must be for a reason...I just don't know it. I try to be content about being single, but I come up always being tolerant. And ya know what? I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

It's Proof...People Love You

Oh birthdays. The one day a year people tend to dread the older they get, and yet it's one of the days in a year that you feel truly loved by all those around you. I'm not old enough to dread turning another year older, yet...I hear it starts around the time you reach middle age. Lol! Sometimes I forget how many people I come into contact every day and have come into contact with in my life. Facebook is a great contributor to the act of somewhat keeping in contact with those that you meet. At least friending them and then posting on each others' walls at minimum once or twice a year, that day being a birthday. Your profile page that doesn't see much action suddenly blows up with all the birthday wishes from people. Some you haven't talked to in a long time, others' you talk to frequently. Not only do you get posts on your wall on Facebook, but your pastor singles you out at a class at church to wish you good tidings in front of everyone and family gets together to just celebrate you.  And if you can't celebrate with them in person they tape your face to your little sister's Dora the Explorer doll and then video tape singing happy birthday to you as though you were there, which is shortly thereafter posted to Facebook. Close friends call and text you just so they can say it in person. Electronic cards are sent while others are mailed to you. Sometimes you get to celebrate more than once because one day isn't enough to fit everyone in. It is your day where everyone says "we're glad you were born and we love you". A day where the focus can be on you for a little bit.

I must admit that going into this day, I was not looking forward to it. Life has been rough the past couple months. The process of stretching and growing one's faith is not easy, in fact it's a lot harder than I bargained for. Even though 23 is not really that old, I am reluctant to accept that another year of my life is starting. It seemed like just yesterday I was playing with Barbies and becoming a teenager. What happened? There were things I wanted to happen in life before I got to this point that haven't. Sometimes the disappointment of that is really strong and hard to be joyful about, and life gets overwhelming. As much as I'm still unsure about being 23, I am ending the day with such gratitude towards everyone that is in my life and a tremendous feeling of being loved. I am joyful that God has placed so many people in my path, so many people that care. Birthdays are it; they're proof...people really love you.

Like a Balance Beam

There's a fine line you tread as a young adult. A line I've been searching the limits of since I've left home for college. It's a line discerning adult from child, where you have to figure out how to be your own person and live your life the way you think it should be lived and still honor and respect your parents. You find out your parents don't know you as well as they think they do, and you realize their advise is not always the best advise. You're searching, searching to find that balance so your relationship with them is not ruined or hurt forever.