The Paralytic

As I was out picking thimble berries this morning behind my Grandma's house, I was trying to think of some profound way that picking berries relates to God. There's a lot of different symbolism that could be used. However, there was no heavenly inspiration or thoughts. Eventually I stopped trying to come up with something and forcing the Holy Spirit to work His magic and give some revelation. So I just kept working my way through the berries...and then a thought came to me - 'look at how far you've come, there's no way you would have been out here comfortably picking berries last year'.

I started thinking about that and remembering where I used to be in life. A couple weeks back telling others your testimony was talked about in church, how we should be able to condense who we were before and after Jesus in a couple sentences. For example - Before I knew Jesus I...After Jesus I... . We practiced at the end of the sermon condensing our stories. Mine was "Before I knew Jesus I was paralyzed by fear, unable to move anywhere. After Jesus I found my strength in Him and moved forward despite the fear".

When I was a kid, going into the woods alone terrified me. I was scared to the point that any little noise from anything would induce the flight instinct in me and fear would grip my body. I never went anywhere outside the confines of our yard alone. The woods (or nature in general) and I did NOT get along. The possibility of a wild animal coming after me and eating me alive was always present. Even the thought of stumbling upon a snake in the woods petrified me. Funny enough (though not really) I lived in the middle of nowhere surrounded by woods for nine years of my life. And once nightfall hit, the woods went from being scary to being horrifying. Being left to take care of my siblings at night when my parents went to go pick my sister up from dance was torture. I would lock myself in my room and listen intently to every sound wondering if it was a serial killer or wild animal trying to get into the house.

Fear literally paralyzed me from being able to do anything. I couldn't call anyone on the phone for fear of getting the wrong number or running out of things to say. For a long time I wouldn't even talk with someone on the phone even if they called me. I wasn't ok with leaving my mom's side in the grocery store to get an item from the next isle over because I was afraid she'd forget me and leave me there. There were so many things I couldn't do because of fear. (But the important one here is the whole issue with being in the woods alone.)

Thinking about how I had chosen the word 'paralyzed' got me thinking about the story of the paralytic in Luke 5. The summary of this story is there was a man who was paralyzed. His friends climbed on the roof and lowered him down, and Jesus healed him. Verse twenty is quite interesting - "When He saw their faith, He said to him, "Man, your sins are forgiven you" - then later on Jesus heals him. Jesus didn't heal this man because he believed it could happen. Jesus healed him because his friends had great faith in what He could do. They brought him to Jesus and they had faith when the man had none. His friends saw he needed help and gladly came to his assistance. 

I was like that man. I wanted to be free from the paralyzing fear, but I didn't believe it could happen. At one point I remember thinking with dread that I was going to be fearful in everything for my entire life and that was scary. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't have any faith that it could get better. For many years I tried to not be so afraid by myself, and things got a tiny bit less fearful but it was still there. It wasn't until I really got involved with a church and had people who came after me to help me, even when I pushed them away, that things started to get better. And yet I still didn't believe that fear wouldn't rule over me anymore. 

Then I went to college and got my butt kicked by God, a well deserved and much needed butt whooping. People who cared about me stood in the gap and prayed for me and had faith when I had none and could only see that fear was still there, even when it was getting better. I started becoming aware of when fear would come around and how to fight it off. 

From the time I was 18, God has been strengthening me with His strength and bringing His confidence into my life. Every year it increases...Praise the Lord! He kept bringing it in even though I couldn't see the progress and was very negative about things changing. I wholeheartedly believe that it was because of the faith others had for me that the changed really took place. And although my healing wasn't instantaneous as the paralytic, it has come. Fear is not completely gone, but it is very minimally there and even when it comes I am able to act regardless of it. Fear only has as much hold as I allow it to have.

So going back to the picking berries. This whole thought process occurred as I was standing out in the woods, by myself, tangled up in thorns bushes open to any attack if a wild animal or estranged human came around, and I was ok. I was listening to music for a little while because I love being in the presence of God and not to drown out the sounds of nature around me as I did last year when picking berries. I wasn't rushing to avoid the possibility of spooking an animal and only sticking to the path in case I got stuck in the bushes and couldn't get out. After a while I turned the music off and just walked around enjoying where I was and what I was doing. I climbed through everything and there was no fear of being overtaken by an animal even though I know there have been bear sightings. It was peaceful.  

An intense desire to share with the world about my testimony of no longer being paralyzed came over me. So here I am sharing with any who will read. There is freedom from fear. I did something today I wouldn't have ever dreamed I would be able to do. Jesus holds the keys to freedom, and it might take years to be completely free as it has taken me. Or you could be freed right now. Don't give up. God won't look over you because you are lacking in faith. He didn't overlook the paralytic or see him as unworthy. There are people around you who will have faith for you even when you don't. 

I keep hearing God say to me, "Look at how far you have come".

I am no longer a paralytic!!!! 

Curve Balls

Life will throw you some curve balls. I know I have had some small ones already and I’m sure there will be more to come. The latest involves my car. I have had two cars over the six years that I have been driving; both lasting around 3 years. The first car I had was Ruby Pickles. A wonderful Ford Escort Wagon that was a maroon color. I loved that car and pretty much balled when she died. Being young and naïve about the workings of a car I ran her into the ground. I do need to point out that I did ask for advice concerning the lack of acceleration and shifting of gears. However, I was met with the reply of “It’s probably nothing”. Well I didn’t take very long, a matter of months, before she stopped working. Turns out you should check the transmission fuel every couple of months on old cars to make sure it is staying at full. Yeah I missed that one and drove the car till it had zero fluid left causing great havoc within the transmission causing it to quit. Since it would cost more to put a new one in than it was worth I sold it for a mere $250 as a parts car. :(. It was a sad day.

Being still young and naïve when I purchased my second car, Vivian, there were certain things that should have raised flags about buying it. Looking back upon this decision I see it was not the greatest to make. In fact it was rather stupid. The dealer openly told me that the car had had a new engine put in because the old one blew up. He must have realized I probably wouldn’t ask questions about how old the “new” engine was or bother him about how the check engine light wouldn’t go off. Being a girl and only 19, he had me sized up pretty good. All I wanted was a set of wheels that moved to regain my freedom, and he had it priced at what I perceived was a pretty good deal. I was told that the car was originally $4,000 but just for me he would sell it to me for $3,000…until three days later that is upon which it would go back up to $4,000. Oh how I was sucked in even though my parents warned he was pulling one over me. Quite honestly I didn’t really think about whether or not I had made a good decision. I was desperate to have a way to escape home and the relying on of my parents for a ride to work and anywhere else; the anywhere else part didn’t really happen. I was cooped up and itching to get out. If only I had shopped around a little more and looked at other cars I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

So here I am trying to figure out how I am going to catch this curve ball. Vivian’s second engine has completely failed. The replacement of which would cost more than the car is actually worth. As a result she is being buried. *sigh. What to do…I really don’t know. I have zero savings to spend on a new car and I am cringing at the fact that I will have to take on more debt so that I may have a car to drive to work so that I can pay off not only my upcoming loan payments, but also car payments. Joy. Praise the Lord that I have a job that will be able to pay for both and an Uncle that is allowing me to borrow a loaner car from his garage for a couple weeks. I am deeply grateful and very lost at the same time. Sometimes I wish there was a literal stairway to God’s throne in my room where I could go up and just talk with Him about what I should do and actually here a response. Gah!!!! I hate car shopping. I really have no idea what I’m doing. Thank the Lord that He knows what’s going on.

Sometimes being an adult really stinks.

Expectations

I was sent this by a friend. Over the past couple months, God has been letting me know how much I need to trust Him. The subject of Trust has been coming up all over the place. While at Reverent (a worship night that a church in Akron, NY hosts), the pastor talked about expecting things in trust instead of just hoping that maybe God will come through. The next day, my friend Kerri (who was not at Reverent the night before) sent me something about expecting as well. I thought I would share with everyone because it is a powerful reminder.

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Raise Your Expectation
Creflo Dollar

I often tell my congregation, “Expectation is the breeding ground for miracles.” In order to receive from the Lord, we must expect Him to show up and show out in our lives. Without a fervent sense of expectancy, all we are doing is taking part in religious exercises that have no power behind them. It is time for Believers to start expecting God to do some great and mighty things in our lives.

Many Christians pray, read their Bibles, go to church, and serve in various capacities in ministry, but when it comes to the promises of God leaping off the pages of the Bible and manifesting in their lives, their faith levels are really low. They say they believe but they really do not, nor do they really expect God to come through on His Word. This is not the way Christians should live.

God wants us to release our faith for everything we need and desire. He wants you to expand your capacity to receive by believing Him for BIG things! When you read a scripture from His Word, and receive it in your heart, without doubt, you should absolutely expect it to come to pass. There should be no question in your mind that what God said is exactly what He will do.
I like the example of the man at the Gate called Beautiful, in the book of Acts.

Acts 3:2-5 recounts the scene:

“And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple; Who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked alms. And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, Look on us. And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them.”

This man received his healing because he expected to get something from Peter and John. He had his neck outstretched and his faith engaged. As a result, he was able to leap to his feet.

I wonder how many Christians could have already experienced the manifestation of the things they are believing from the Word, if only they would walk in unwavering expectation. There are no limits to what God can do, and if you can believe for what seems impossible, He will do it.

Expectation also means dreaming big. Do not limit God because of what your past experiences have been, or based on what others may say. Sometimes you will have to get “out of the box” so to speak, in order to receive bigger and better things from God. If you can find it in the Word of God, and you have the faith for it, you will possess it. You are not waiting on God; He is waiting on you! Walk in expectation and watch your dreams become a reality.

Scripture References

Mark 11:23
Acts 3:2-5
Mark 10:27