What's a Girl to Do?

The last several months have pushed me to the brink of how much I think I can withstand and back again. At the end of March I was "let go" from my job for an action I didn't commit. It has been one let down after another in trying to find a new job, a way to pay the inevitable bills that four years of college brought me. I have a degree in English Literature and two teaching certifications, and yet I have been completely unsuccessful in procuring a teaching job over the last four years. I have been brought to the end of wanting to try. How long can someone try at something and not succeed before they give up? Well apparently I haven't been able to get the point til now. Changing careers is not fun.

Before my untimely end at my last job, I had felt God leading me to leave that workplace even though I didn't have anything lined up. I had been trying for months to get a different job, to find a different career, to no avail. Even though I knew I needed to leave my job, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time I contemplated it, I would have a near panic attack at knowing how much I would have to trust the Lord to bring me something. I also couldn't handle thinking about leaving the kids I had put so much love and time into, or leaving a co-worker who hated working there just as much as me. I knew how much my leaving would negatively effect the kids and my co-worker. My friends say I am loyal to a fault...this is true. I would rather be miserable and loyal (especially when it comes to anything involving kids) than leaving people in a bind or possibly hurting them. This was my problem at the J. So God took me out.

What a ride it's been. There has been intense anger/bitterness/frustration at where I am at in life. I have days where I literally want to fist fight God, where I have told Him to come down and fight me, because there is so much going on inside and I don't know how to get it out. But I am also grateful. Grateful He saved me from myself in that job. Grateful He has never left my side or turned away from me in my moments of ugliness when my anger comes out towards Him. Grateful He is powerful enough to handle my intensity. Patiently He's let me try to figure out how to deal with my emotions. Every time I want to run away, He follows behind waiting for me to turn back around to get comfort from Him.

Trust is hard, but thankfully He'll never leave me nor forsake me.

The silver lining in all this, I have the time to sit outside in the sun and actually get a tan. Lol! For those who know me, understand my pale self has a very hard time getting color and then keeping it.So yay for finally getting a tan.


"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

No one ever said growth doesn't hurt, and yet it surprises us how much it hurts when the pruning happens. A common Christian saying is "God loves us too much to leave us in one place". For this I am thankful...at times. The more it hurts, the harder it is to see the good that will come out of it all.

I imagine if the oyster who is stuck with the grain of sand could express it's feelings, it wouldn't always be grateful. The oyster may even resent the pain that it has to go through at times. If you had a rock in your shoe all the time, it would get annoying after a while right? But the oyster doesn't give up. It keeps working through the pain, through the irritation. The oyster keeps fighting until one day, there's no longer a rough piece of sand inside them.

Or what about the tree that grows through the solid rock cliff. How much do you think that seed had to fight? Do you think it may have wanted to give up at times? If a tree could feel, I bet it would have moments of discouragement. Not every seed that drops in a miniscule crack grows. Only some grow, but it isn't easy. They have to withstand a variety of circumstances and trials. When they reach the point of breaking through, though, it's beautiful...a testament of perseverance through pain and suffering.

When this life gets to be too much we have to remind ourselves to look forward, we have to fight to keep going...to push through the pain. Because in the end there will be beauty that comes, whether we see it (or believe it) now or not. These days, it's hard to hold onto that truth...to believe it. I get tired of fighting like everyone else. But I have to hold on, to have hope in the Lord, because His promise is clear...

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37:3-5

Dreams...What's the Point?

During my childhood/early teen years I had a lot of nightmares. No matter what I did, I couldn't get them to stop. I would get so frustrated because they were so vivid. Some weeks I wouldn't sleep a lot. I remember a couple times waking up and thinking what I had dreamed about had actually happened. There are some I still remember as though they happened last night, that still terrify me. I would ask the Lord over and over "Why am I having these dreams? What is the point?", but I wouldn't get an answer. Eventually I started asking to not dream at all. It was difficult to go to sleep sometimes, knowing the nightmares would come. I didn't understand at that point that God had given me authority over them, so I did the only thing I knew how and asked Him to take the dreaming - good and bad - away because it was too much. So He did. I didn't dream about anything for a long time, many years. But I still carried around the question: "what is the purpose of dreaming if it frequently turns into a nightmare?".

During college, somewhere around 20, I wanted to start dreaming again. I figured I was older and should be able to handle what comes at me a lot better, so I asked God if I could dream again. Just as He took them away, He let them come back. Slowly, but they came back. For a little while there were no nightmares, and then they came back full force; especially when I was sleeping in certain places. They became vivid more often, with greater emotion inflicted. This time around, though, I would talk with people about what to do. I started praying before going to bed. If I had a nightmare during the night, I would pray every time it would wake me up. And I kept asking the Lord, "What is the purpose of dreaming?".

Gradually the nightmares lessened. I still dreamed, but less often. When I did dream, it would become ingrained in my mind, more real. Eventually I started writing them down, whether nightmare or not. I went to a dream seminar to learn about interpreting dreams and to try and understand better the purpose of them. But it wasn't until today that I really heard and accepted the answer to my question.

Dreams are the Lord's way of speaking to us. Nightmares come from Satan trying to rob us of communication with Him. (I have noticed that friends of mine who receive many dreams from the Lord, often started out having many nightmares.) Of course not all dreams are from the Lord. Some occur because of what we think about during the day, or stressful situations in life. However, they always show us things about ourselves or others. We can't control things when we are dreaming. We can't stop ourselves, while sleeping, from dreaming. Don't ever discard a dream or nightmare. Write them down. Pray about them. Because there is always something being said through them, you just need to find it.

A New Year

There are so many people I have spoken with about the year 2013 over the past several weeks. Most of those people have expressed that 2013 was a very difficult year. It was a year of painful growth, a year of many sorrows, a year of just plain awfulness. I can absolutely say that 2013 was probably one of the most difficult years of my life as of yet. There were a lot of lows, more than I would like to remember. Thankfully there were also some really fantastic, outright glorious moments as well.  What is it about this past year that created such difficulty for so many people? What is the Lord planning for this year? Tell you what, it can only be great things.

I am so thankful 2013 is over. There was a change in the air as 2014 rolled in this morning. A hope for new and better things from the Lord. A difference in atmosphere as my friends and I brought in the new year with prayer and an extensive (2.5 hour) dance party. There was relief. Relief at knowing we will never have to live through last year again. Relief in feeling a difference. No matter how tired we all were, we could stop celebrating a new beginning. So...

Happy New Year! And may God bring abundance to you this year. :)

All it Takes...

is a side glance and a whisper from a group of guys for my insecurity to go from a mouse to a monster. My mind starts going, wondering what flaw they are picking out and laughing about. Is it my personality? Is it something about my appearance? Did I say something really stupid and not know it? Are they making fun of my laugh?

I go from being confident in the task I am doing to completely insecure in a second. Something I am doing, or how I look, is causing side glances and whispers and quiet snickers. It's tormenting. I no longer feel comfortable in my body or actions. The worthlessness creeps in fast. I don't know how to stop it...the feeling of not belonging, the confusion of trying to figure out what must be wrong with me.

The voices inside take the opportunity to plague me. How do you stop the damage from happening when it only takes a second for it to be over? When you can't even see it coming? There's no warning...the arrow just pierces. 

Wanting

When is my heart going to stop hurting every time I go to a wedding shower, wedding, baby shower, etc.? The older I get and stay single, the more left out I feel in life. I love going to showers and weddings; they make my heart excited for what's to come for the unions being celebrated or the blessings coming. Then everyone leaves, daily life returns, and the lack shows up more than before. It only lasts for a couple days afterward...a lot less than it used to...but it still hurts. Sometimes I wonder if the women who can't have children feel the same hurt all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm alone in feeling this way. This weekend there was a wedding and a baby shower...a double whammy. More friends are in relationships or having kids. There were at least 5 babies at the shower today!

I am not content being in this stage of life. I have several friends who would be perfectly happy being celibate their entire lives. I don't understand that, and I'm sure they don't understand my perspective. A lot of people use the word content with single. "You have to be content being single before God will give you a spouse" is the most heard phrase. For so long I have said I am content, content in waiting, content in being single. But I'm not. I have finally found the word that fits how I feel.

Tolerant.

I try my best to enjoy life as it is now, to live it to the fullest. I try not to dwell on how most of the people I know are living life with a spouse and kids and I'm not. I try to be joyful about where God has me. It must be for a reason...I just don't know it. I try to be content about being single, but I come up always being tolerant. And ya know what? I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

Uncomfortable is Good, But...

The thought of moving to an unknown place where I will know absolutely no one is terrifying. Teaching jobs are nearly impossible to find these days. If I do find one, I have the sinking feeling it won't be here...the place where all my friends are...the place where I have my church family...the place that is home. Am I really willing to move my entire life to a new place and start over again? Honestly, no...I don't know...maybe...yes...no not really. What if the Lord told you to move? He would have to be supremely clear, and even then I think I would question it.

Maybe I should change my career field. Am I qualified enough? Would I actually be able to succeed? Will I even succeed in teaching? What if...

I hate change, everything about it. I hate how you don't have any control. I hate how it's unknown. It's uncomfortable...and I'm wondering if that's what I need. Complacency breeds contempt. Complacency is comfortable. I am comfortable in how life is, even though I am completely frustrated with where it is, it is comfortable. It is known. It's safe because it's predictable.

I don't want to be complacent! I don't want to be frustrated anymore! I want to be able to take a risk. Change something. Grow more and allow God to have the control.

But I'm terrified...

Tug of War

Recently someone said to me that they feel as though they are in a tug of war where they are the rope. This tug of war is a result of a decision she needs to make regarding her walk with God. Last night, on my way home, I was thinking about her and this tug of war she's in and talking with God about the situation and how to respond to her. This girl has said she's made a decision, but still feels like she's stuck in this pulling game. I was asking the Lord what wisdom I could give her about this tug of war and how to end it when He very gently told me "It won't stop til you truly let go of one side". And just like that I felt like I had gotten the most gracious slap in the face. It just hit me, the intense meaning of that statement.

So many times we have a choice to make between ourselves (i.e. our flesh) and God. Each time we linger on making a decision about our walk with God we enter ourselves into a game of tug of war. God pulls on one side desiring us to come fully to Him and whatever we are struggling with, or desires we have, or sin we're contemplating entering into, or anything that involves sacrificing our flesh pulls on the other side. Sometimes the tug of war doesn't last long, and other times it is so intense it's as if you can physically feel it.

As God showed me the meaning I almost lost it as the reality of it sank in. Not only had He given me incite concerning this girl's situation, but it was incite into so many decisions every person makes, including myself. Neither side can make you go one way or the other without you letting go because we have free will. Sometimes we say we've made a decision and have  let go of one side, but still feel like we're in the game. It's because we haven't truly let go. We're still holding on with one finger. I realized we either have to let go of God or of ourselves. You choose His way or yours. This knowledge I have known in my head since I was a kid, but within a second it turned into heart knowledge. I don't know how to put into words the emotion that I felt at that moment of realization. I also know I'm not describing the meaning behind His statement the best that it needs to be because I don't know how to. He's gonna have to show you what it means to you.

Online Dating?

So I have a confession...it isn't really anything huge, but it kind of is. Quite a few posts on this blog are about my frustrations with singleness and how much of a struggle it is for me. For many many years I always said I wouldn't do online dating. Something about it rubbed me wrong. I don't know why. I didn't care if others did it, but somehow I thought it would mean I wasn't trusting God to work His will. Well in a moment of spontaneity near the first of the year I signed up for an online dating site. Not only that, but I paid for six months of membership. I know right? This is craziness!

A couple friends have been saying I should do this for months, but I always shrugged it off. I'm a traditionalist when it comes to how a guy and girl should come together. I've loved the stories where they meet in the grocery store or the bank or some weird generic place. A place where he initiates the conversation with a possibly lame pick up line to start the conversation. Sappy and romantic right? And totally not equal with reality. Yes that happens to some people, but for the majority of the population I feel like it doesn't. I could be wrong about this though seeing as how I haven't been privy to every situation where a girl meets a guy.

See the only thing I've thought to base my perfect love story off of is movies and TV shows, and we all know that those are never based on reality. Instead I should base it off of God's Word. Last week my pastor had a great sermon about being single and how to prepare yourself for marriage. He used the story of Issac and Rebekkah as an example. It was nice, and a little painful, to be reminded of some things that I forget about in moments of frustration.

Maybe it was a moment of clarity from God instead of spontaneity that caused me to do it, I don't know. I could be totally off my rocker with that theory. Whatever the reason, I know I never would have done it otherwise. Sometimes I get really scared and think I should just forget it and never look at the site again. What if no one wants to get to know me? I'm not really the kind of girl that's going to contact a whole bunch of guys seeking someone out. I still want a guy to initiate the relationship. Well, I guess only time will tell what this will bring.

Nicholas Summersell

For some reason this morning his name came to mind. I'm not sure why, but it did.

I haven't seen this kid in 17 years. He was a boy in third grade who had a major crush on me. We never hung out outside of school, but for some reason he was infatuated with me for the half of third grade when I was still attending public school and a good part of second grade (which I found out during third grade). He gave me this heart necklace that year. Cute but quite inappropriate if you think about it. Later on (not sure of the timeline), with all the love a third grader can muster, he asked me to marry him right before we went sledding down the hill at gym. Even at 7 there were multiple things I understood that right now surprise me. I remember thinking about how I needed to answer carefully because I didn't want him to feel rejected. Sure I liked to kid, but not apparently the same way he liked me. I understood what rejection was at 7. Craziness. I also remember thinking that there was no way I could marry him because he didn't love Jesus. No I didn't have a personal relationship with God at that point in time, but I did believe in God and  I was a product of someone whose parents went to church. My understanding was that it was bad to marry someone who didn't love God if you believed in Him...under no circumstances. So I took the easy way out at told Nick that he needed to ask me when we got older knowing full well I wasn't going to see him again after Christmas. However, deep down I wanted to say yes.

Unsure how to handle the situation further I did what any kid would, I went to an adult for help. Unfortunately the only one available was my male gym teacher who thought it would be funny to tell the whole class about what went down. *Sigh. That was kind of embarrassing.

Anyway, all of this remembering at how I processed things surprised me. I was only 7 for cryin out loud and yet I knew about, and remember clearly understanding, rejection as well as standards for marriage. Come one now, I knew I didn't want to marry anyone who didn't love God at 7. This seems so weird to me. What kind of 7 yr old thinks about this stuff? Me apparently