"He Heals the Brokenhearted"

Hidden No More

2012-01-13T18:19:00.000-05:00

High in the hills lies a cave.

Hidden in the landscape,

Common in appearance,

Yet holding something of importance.

Clandestine are kept deep within.

Darkness surrounds them,

Attempting to hide what needs the light.

Three guards stand at the entrance stand in sight,

Keeping the secrets in, and others out.

Shimtsah, Ga`avah, and Deilia

Keep watch day and night.

Though few in quantity,

They are strong and relentless.

Refusing to back down,

Threats are thrown around.

Their weapons sharply tipped,

Piercing through they tear and rip

Those who try to free the mystery.

For too long they have ruled.

For too long they have fooled

Passerby into leaving with naught.

Only wounds have been caught.

No more.

Gather your armor and your sword,

Your army behind and your shield before.

This can't be hidden any more.

Shimtsah begone,

You have no place here.

Ga`avah your words mean nothing anymore.

Deilia your hold is no longer strong.

There will be suffering to pay,

But freedom will arrive along the way.

Triumph will come,

Light will shine in the deepest core.

The clandestine will be hidden no more.

'Never' is a Strong Word

2012-01-05T21:27:00.000-05:00

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley

I don't usually participate in the Facebook challenges for status' and such, but this one turned out with an interesting answer. The task was to find the top song for the day/week you were born. Out of curiosity I looked it up. Turns out this song is a very cheesy love song filled with impossible promises to keep and an incredibly naive viewpoint. Funny how that would be the top song the week of my birth. You just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of this song.

Disney Complex

2011-12-04T19:26:00.000-05:00

I've heard of this several times throughout my life. The sadness of how little girls are affected by Disney princess movies their entire lives. I have never considered myself to have the Disney complex...that is til yesterday. Sadly enough I have now come to realize through the detailed explanation from the head youth leader that I am one of those girls that has the Disney complex. It was a little devastating and shameful when the realization came out. I have always thought myself above this interesting dilemma of young girls, and yet the evidence of the affects throughout my childhood are very clear. As Chad so brutally explained, many girls end up believing they need a man and that obtaining a relationship with one will make all our problems go away; once Prince Charming comes around the world will be perfect. *sigh. Yes for many years I did believe this to be true. Many times I would tell myself "If only I had a boyfriend". I wasn't really taught that Jesus is the Prince and the only one I need. Good thing He got a hold of me. Thankfully I do not think that to be true anymore and although the thought still comes up occasionally, now I aware of it and can nip it in the bud. However, I will always enjoy the prospect of being swept off my feet by a prince of the Godly kind ;-)

Exiled from SUCBrockport

2011-10-21T00:24:00.001-04:00

Well it is now official...I really am no longer a college student. The college has locked me out of their system and I have lost my ID name and number. I am also no longer receiving emails about college events through BASIC or Campus Crusade. I am simply a memory. Haha! A little dramatic right? It is a little sad to be cut off completely from college. I miss it a lot at times, but only parts of it ;-)

Far from God's Plan

2011-10-14T23:13:00.001-04:00

This commercial breaks my heart every time I see it. Not only because the wife treats her husband this way in a pretend atmosphere, but that it actually happens in real life and this commercial encourages it. So sad.

Oh the Olden Days

2011-10-08T23:12:00.000-04:00

I looked up a song to see who it was played by and this picture came up amongst other sites relating to the song.

It's sad that the young men of today don't look as innocent as they use to. How society has changed.

Props for who knows these guys without looking it up :).

Happy 100!

2011-09-03T16:48:00.000-04:00

Here it is, the 100th post. Quite honestly I didn't think I'd make it this far with this blog. Throughout my life I have gone through fazes where I have enjoyed keeping a journal and other times where I can't stand it. I figured I would get tired of writing posts on a blog for the very few people that read it, but that didn't really happen. There have been times where I really just wanted a small break from this blog, however I do enjoy putting my thoughts out there to whoever might like to read them. So Happy 100th post to me! Hopefully there will be a hundred more and people who will want to read them. lol!

The Inevitable

2011-08-12T21:15:00.000-04:00

After 5 years of not having a primary care physician I have sadly reached the point in time where I need one. Over the past three weeks I have had an abundant array of physical maladies occur that really needed the attention of a doctor. However, since I don't have a primary care physician I have been stuck going to the after hour care in Spencerport and a random eye doctor that really didn't know what he was doing. It all started out with pink eye and a very swollen throat. Then it moved onto ear aches, coughing, headaches, and a still very swollen throat. After two weeks of that I caved and went to the after hour care for people who don't have a doctor. I was told it was all allergies, which I have never had before. My mom, though, thought it was mono. But did you know that you can't get a mono test without a doctor's note? Yeah, you can't. Which made my situation even more frustrating. Upon researching mono I found that all my symptoms, including the ones I gained along the way, were all on the list for mono. So I figure no big deal I'll just go get tested. Yeah, I couldn't get tested. After calling several different clinics and hospitals it all came down to one question - do you have a primary care physician? - to which I always had to answer no. And so I have to accept one more aspect of adulthood and get a doctor.
:-P

It's OK that I'm Me

2011-07-15T22:35:00.000-04:00

In January I started volunteering at my churches youth group for a trial session in being a leader. It was awkward and hard to connect with the kids and I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. I felt like I didn't fit in with the other female leaders and I wasn't able to connect with any of the girls really. It was frustrating, point blank, and I couldn't figure out why. I felt under appreciated, left out of the loop, and unimportant. It was awful and I was ready to quit what I felt God was calling me to. I couldn't figure out why God would want me to work with youth (especially high school girls) if this was what I was going to feel like all the time.

And then it hit me only a couple weeks ago...I wasn't being me. I was constantly comparing myself to the other female youth leaders. Closely observing how they interacted with the kids and trying to ~~copy~~ be them. Without even realizing it I had the opinion that if I was exactly like Greta or Becca I would be liked more by the kids and the leaders. If I became what I thought they wanted me to be then I would feel better. But comparing myself with them hurt a lot because I am not them. I don't relate to the kids the same way they do. It's not that I don't know as much about God than they do - although they may know a little more than me having known God longer - it was about trying to please them instead of God. Somehow I got all mixed up about what I why I was actually there and I became trapped in this mind set that I needed to please the other leaders or else I was doing it wrong. The more I tried to please, the less the other leaders commented on things I was doing. They weren't doing it to try to be mean, in fact they probably didn't realize that they were even doing it. Looking at it now it was probably God trying to get me to please Him instead of others.

Well I have come to terms with it somewhat. I won't ever be like Greta and Becca when it comes to relating to these kids. In some ways I might, but as a whole not really. I am loud, I like to be funny and ridiculous, and have ridiculous amounts of fun with the kids. I'm not really demure (meaning serious and reserved, although I can be at times) and I am sarcastic. I am sure the other women leaders can be the exact same thing at times, but so far I haven't seen it. They are the adults and not at all like the kids. I want to be both. I want to be a kid with them and still be in authority, which I can be. It's ok for me to be me. And it really doesn't matter what the others think. As soon as I stopped being someone else, I connected with the kids and felt so free and alive with them.

I'm not Greta or Becca, I'm me and God likes that.

*A little discrepancy note: Dea, if you read this I didn't forget you were a leader, I just haven't compared myself to you yet =D

Tick Tock...

2011-07-05T12:38:00.000-04:00

As I was cleaning out my fish Hallel's tank today I started thinking about something that happened a couple weeks ago. It is something I am slightly ashamed about and am yet intrigued and confused about it. A little while back I had the glorious task of babysitting for a friend of mine. They have three children - 6,4, and 2 months. It has been a long time since I've taken care of a little baby and was very excited for the task since I have been missing that part of working in a child care setting. Throughout the night I found myself doing something that has never happened before when taking care of a little baby. I had a very strong desire to say to the baby, "It's ok, Mamma's gonna...". I realize that I am obviously not the child's mother and quite honestly I am really unsure why the need to have that baby recognize me as mom was there. It didn't just happen once either. All night whenever the baby fussed I had to catch myself from saying I was her mom. Every time it would happen there would be a couple thoughts that would cross my mind - what would her mother think if she knew I almost kept calling myself her mother? and why do I keep doing this? It was getting a little frustrating because it seemed to come so naturally.

This has never happened before. I haven't ever wanted to call a child that clearly belonged to someone else my own. When I was a little girl I used to pretend what it would be like to be a mom-to-be. I would put pillows and balls up my shirt and walk around pretending to be pregnant. There isn't one girl I don't know who hasn't done this at least once in her life, whether by joke or seriously. So what's going on now to make that change? Well I can only think of one thing - my biological clock is ticking loud and clear. I am not that old. Even though I may say I feel old at 23 sometimes, I really do know that I'm not. Maybe it's not my biological clock. But if it isn't, then why is this desire to call a child my own so strong right now?

Narnia. Who Knew?

2011-06-18T11:22:00.000-04:00

It amazes me some of the ways the Lord chooses to bring revelation. As I was driving home from a short trip to VT the Lord started to speak to me through C.S. Lewis' book The Horse and His Boy. It was a surprise as Jesus started revealing things in my heart.

It was near the end of the book when Shasta is bemoaning his misfortune over his life, and how he has come upon several lions throughout his trip that terrified him when normal people wouldn't even see one in their lifetime. Basically he's complaining. Amidst his self-pity and turmoil Aslan - a symbol of God - comes to him and enlightens him about the events that have happened in his life that he views as 'unfortunate'.

Here is part of the dialogue that occurs between the two.

"Aslan: You believe you are unfortunate. Why?

Shasta: Why Wouldn’t I? If only you knew what my life has been like.

Aslan: Tell me.

Shasta: Well I’m no better than an orphan. I’ve never known my real mother or father, and I was brought up by a cruel fisherman. And then finally I was able to escape. But for what? To get chased by lions and mistaken for someone else in Tashban? And to get frightened half to death by some beasts near the tombs? And suffer from heat and thirst in the desert, and then just as we’re about to reach our goal I get chased by another lion who wounded poor Arivus? And, and…now I’m lost and miserable.

...

Aslan: I was the lion who forced you to join with Arivus. I was the cat who comforted you among the tombs. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay a child near death so that it came to shore where a man sat wakeful at midnight to receive you."

As I was listening to this play out, the difference between God's perspective and my perspective or anyone's is so different. We as humans see things that happen in our lives a certain way. Just as Shasta saw pretty much everything in his life was unfortunate we tend to do the same thing at times. We bemoan the state our life is in or an event that occurred that we would have liked to see go differently or the perplexity of something. It reminds me of the story where two people stood opposite each other looking at a glass ball. When asked what color it is, one person says black and the other white. When hearing the others answer each person gets angry and starts arguing. It isn't until one person walks over to the other side to see why the other person sees another color do they realize that the person was seeing it from a different perspective. Sometimes we do that with God. We stand on the other side of the ball and argue with Him that He is wrong. There's no way His side could be white and ours black. It isn't until we let go of our perspective and pride and look at a situation from His perspective that we see the truth. His perspective is always the right one. He sees the big picture more than we will ever be able to and He knows why things happen.

You're probably thinking I should have known this beforehand. And guess what...I did, just not in my heart; the only true way to know something. When we evaluate the things in our life and decide to complain about them or throw ourselves a pity party, we need to step back and ask God to show us the situation from His perspective. You might be surprised as Shasta was to discover His side of the ball.

Old or New Law?

2011-05-20T09:49:00.001-04:00

We've all heard of the greatest commandments right? If you haven't here it is:

Mark 12:29-31 "Jesus answered him, "The first of all the commandments is: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."

I feel a little silly for not knowing this earlier than today, but here is my confession. I did not know that these commandments came earlier in the Bible than in Matt, Mark, and Luke. I've only ever heard it read out of the new testament and described as the "new" commandments when Jesus came and died for all. Sadly I haven't ever read it on my own to see the truth behind this scripture. I'm sure pastors have said these commandments didn't originate from the New Testament, but I don't remember; that's a part I've omitted from memory. Well today during my quiet time I read such verses (but in Luke) about the greatest commandments. And low and behold I look down to the footnotes and see two verses that go along with the one that are located in the Old Testament. So I look them up to see what they are.

Leviticus 19:18 "You shall not take vengeance, now bear any grudge against the children of your people, BUT YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF: I am the Lord."

Deuteronomy 6:5 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength."

Who knew they were first in the Old Testament as part of the original law!? Right after the Ten Commandments were written, the Law was written by Moses and I think some others. Here it is, the greatest commandment (which it is called in the original law as well) spoken long before Jesus ever came into human form. Quite honestly it blows my mind that I didn't see this earlier. And then it makes me think: Did people forget that part of the Law and is that why Jesus brings it back up? Who knows? Only Him.

Curve Balls

2011-05-14T16:55:00.000-04:00

Life will throw you some curve balls. I know I have had some small ones already and I’m sure there will be more to come. The latest involves my car. I have had two cars over the six years that I have been driving; both lasting around 3 years. The first car I had was Ruby Pickles. A wonderful Ford Escort Wagon that was a maroon color. I loved that car and pretty much balled when she died. Being young and naïve about the workings of a car I ran her into the ground. I do need to point out that I did ask for advice concerning the lack of acceleration and shifting of gears. However, I was met with the reply of “It’s probably nothing”. Well I didn’t take very long, a matter of months, before she stopped working. Turns out you should check the transmission fuel every couple of months on old cars to make sure it is staying at full. Yeah I missed that one and drove the car till it had zero fluid left causing great havoc within the transmission causing it to quit. Since it would cost more to put a new one in than it was worth I sold it for a mere $250 as a parts car. :(. It was a sad day.

Being still young and naïve when I purchased my second car, Vivian, there were certain things that should have raised flags about buying it. Looking back upon this decision I see it was not the greatest to make. In fact it was rather stupid. The dealer openly told me that the car had had a new engine put in because the old one blew up. He must have realized I probably wouldn’t ask questions about how old the “new” engine was or bother him about how the check engine light wouldn’t go off. Being a girl and only 19, he had me sized up pretty good. All I wanted was a set of wheels that moved to regain my freedom, and he had it priced at what I perceived was a pretty good deal. I was told that the car was originally $4,000 but just for me he would sell it to me for $3,000…until three days later that is upon which it would go back up to $4,000. Oh how I was sucked in even though my parents warned he was pulling one over me. Quite honestly I didn’t really think about whether or not I had made a good decision. I was desperate to have a way to escape home and the relying on of my parents for a ride to work and anywhere else; the anywhere else part didn’t really happen. I was cooped up and itching to get out. If only I had shopped around a little more and looked at other cars I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

So here I am trying to figure out how I am going to catch this curve ball. Vivian’s second engine has completely failed. The replacement of which would cost more than the car is actually worth. As a result she is being buried. *sigh. What to do…I really don’t know. I have zero savings to spend on a new car and I am cringing at the fact that I will have to take on more debt so that I may have a car to drive to work so that I can pay off not only my upcoming loan payments, but also car payments. Joy. Praise the Lord that I have a job that will be able to pay for both and an Uncle that is allowing me to borrow a loaner car from his garage for a couple weeks. I am deeply grateful and very lost at the same time. Sometimes I wish there was a literal stairway to God’s throne in my room where I could go up and just talk with Him about what I should do and actually here a response. Gah!!!! I hate car shopping. I really have no idea what I’m doing. Thank the Lord that He knows what’s going on.

Sometimes being an adult really stinks.

Taking it Out of Context?

2011-04-01T11:11:00.000-04:00

So many times I've heard frustrations verbalized about how certain scriptures are taken out of context. The most commonly used is "Ask and it shall be given to you" from Matt 7:7 or Luke 11:9. Taking scripture out of context is understandably and rightfully frustrating to us and God. I am here to show another scripture that tends to be taken out of context and is widely quoted...and controversial.

"For you yourselves know that the day of the Lord comes as a thief in the night." 1Thess 5:2

Here's the thing, no one reads the verses before or after it. This verse is the basis for many people not believing that we will know about the end times and the timeline of events. Let's read the verses before and after verse two.

"But concerning the times and seasons, brethren, you have no need that I should write to you...For when they say 'Peace and safety!' then sudden destruction comes upon them, as labor pains upon a pregnant woman. And they shall not escape. But you, brethren, are not in darkness, so that this Day should take you as a thief."

(verses 1, 3-4)

First, right in verse one Paul says that he really doesn't have to tell them this, "but concerning the times and seasons, there is no need that I should write to you". He does write tell them though, not so they will know, but so that everyone who reads it will see and know and understand.

Second, who is the "they" Paul keeps mentioning? Obviously not the Thessalonians and those who know God. The "they" is everyone who is ignorant towards God and refuses to come to Him. Paul separates the sheep from the goats and says "but you brethren are not in darkness (for clarification God is light, Satan is darkness ), so that this Day should overtake you as a thief". Basically, Jesus isn't going to come to you as a thief in the night; it won't be a surprise because you are in the light, in God.

There are so many passages in the Bible that talk about the last days before Jesus comes back, not just the book of Revelations. Micah and Habakkuk, Daniel, parts of Matthew where Jesus Himself talks about it. I know there is much debate about pre, middle, or post tribulation rapture so I would like to point out two (of several) passages that give insight.

"Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall be changed - in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed." 1 Corinthians 15:51-52

"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with a trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord." 1 Thessalonians 4:1-17

The books and passages of the Bible that talk about the second coming are there so that we can read and know what is going to happen, taking the knowledge to everyone who will hear. Do we know the exact date? Of course not, only Jesus knows that. But we do know events that lead up to it. If you believe we will be raptured before tribulation, don't assume that you don't need to know about tribulation and what is going to happen. Don't assume anything. I may be wrong in my belief about the end times I may be right, either way be prepared for the worst. Find out what scripture has to say and gain knowledge.

Life is a Playlist

2011-03-26T22:04:00.001-04:00

Did you ever notice that the music you listen to changes depending on where you are in life? I didn't until a couple days ago. As someone who listens to music a lot and loves to worship God through music, you'd think I'd catch on to this sooner. Haha! For the first time last week, I went through my iTunes and really looked at the music I have. Now I don't download every song that comes out like my sister, but I ~~have~~ had over 1000 songs. So many songs I forgot I actually had in my library. As I started going through them I realized there were so many I really don't listen to anymore. So I stopped and asked myself why. Why don't I listen to these songs anymore? A simple answer came to mind - they were for different seasons and I'm not that person anymore.

As I've grown as a person and in the Lord, the music I've listened has changed. When I first bought CD's to load onto my iTunes I had things like 'Annie Get Your Gun' and 'Grease'. I was big into musicals and "childish" music, but that's because I was a child. My spirit and physical person were not mature. I listened to the same music for years and years without getting tired of it or feeling the need to change. And then I went to college. Lol! Since coming to college my music choices have changed so much. About a quarter of the way through my first semester at Brockport I realized it was uncool to like to listen to 'The Little Mermaid' and 'The Lion King' soundtracks. People looked at you weird and the roommates commented on it quite a bit. For a while I still listened to it...just quieter ;-).

Slowly though, I got really tired of listening to it. So I started looking for other music. I can't remember how many times my preferences expanded, but it was a lot. I went from a girl who listened to kids music to a woman who turned up the bass and speakers on up-to-date pop and hip hop; jammin' tunes as I like to call them. Not only did my secular choices expand and change, but my worship preferences did too. There were seasons of Hillsong, Chris Tomlin, and Sanctus Real's "Whatever You're Doing". Through each change in life I would listen to some songs less and less and others more and more. My playlist called Life started to take shape. Going back and listening to these songs stirs my heart and reminds me of where I've been, sometimes not in a good way. Some seasons, well many actually were really difficult and challenging. As I've grown they become even more challenging and the music I listen to reflects that.

I've started deleting the music I never listen to anymore (currently down to 800). It's not easy because it means I really have to let go of the past and the emotions that songs bring up. And the 'what if I "need" that song later' thought. (Good thing we have YouTube.) The reminders of who I used to be and where I was stuck. It isn't a bad thing to remember those places and I don't plan on forgetting, but I do plan to move forward and not dwell in the same emotions as I had then.

So here is a song that I would like to share with you which is currently well played on my ipod and library. It doesn't have a music video and you can't find the lyrics online, but iTunes does have it. Haha! This song speaks so deeply to my heart and what I want to know in Christ. It is very simple yet quite intense, so I will leave you to digest it.

First Commandment

by Clay Edwards

I will let you love me

I will let you wash my feet

I will let you serve me

For it sets me free

And it causes me, to love You in return

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength

I will let you love me

I will let you wash my feet

I will let you serve me.

For it sets me free

And it causes me, to love You in return

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength (x2)

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation

And it takes You to love You

To You is my affection

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation of Your love

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength (x2)

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation

And it takes You to love You

To You is my affection

And it takes You to love You

So increase revelation of Your love

I will love you Lord with all of my heart

I will love you Lord with all of my soul

I will love you Lord with all of my mind and my strength

It's Proof...People Love You

2011-03-15T23:02:00.002-04:00

Oh birthdays. The one day a year people tend to dread the older they get, and yet it's one of the days in a year that you feel truly loved by all those around you. I'm not old enough to dread turning another year older, yet...I hear it starts around the time you reach middle age. Lol! Sometimes I forget how many people I come into contact every day and have come into contact with in my life. Facebook is a great contributor to the act of somewhat keeping in contact with those that you meet. At least friending them and then posting on each others' walls at minimum once or twice a year, that day being a birthday. Your profile page that doesn't see much action suddenly blows up with all the birthday wishes from people. Some you haven't talked to in a long time, others' you talk to frequently. Not only do you get posts on your wall on Facebook, but your pastor singles you out at a class at church to wish you good tidings in front of everyone and family gets together to just celebrate you. And if you can't celebrate with them in person they tape your face to your little sister's Dora the Explorer doll and then video tape singing happy birthday to you as though you were there, which is shortly thereafter posted to Facebook. Close friends call and text you just so they can say it in person. Electronic cards are sent while others are mailed to you. Sometimes you get to celebrate more than once because one day isn't enough to fit everyone in. It is your day where everyone says "we're glad you were born and we love you". A day where the focus can be on you for a little bit.

I must admit that going into this day, I was not looking forward to it. Life has been rough the past couple months. The process of stretching and growing one's faith is not easy, in fact it's a lot harder than I bargained for. Even though 23 is not really that old, I am reluctant to accept that another year of my life is starting. It seemed like just yesterday I was playing with Barbies and becoming a teenager. What happened? There were things I wanted to happen in life before I got to this point that haven't. Sometimes the disappointment of that is really strong and hard to be joyful about, and life gets overwhelming. As much as I'm still unsure about being 23, I am ending the day with such gratitude towards everyone that is in my life and a tremendous feeling of being loved. I am joyful that God has placed so many people in my path, so many people that care. Birthdays are it; they're proof...people really love you.

The Differences Between Us

2011-03-09T11:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was exactly the same age as my mother the day she had me - exactly one week away from turning 23. It amazes me how different our lives are at that same point. My Mom had been married for 10 months to the only man she had loved and dated, and she had just had her first child - ME. I was a complete unexpected development in their life that was even more unexpected due to the fact that I was 2 and 1/2 weeks early. The April 2nd baby turned into a March 15th baby. I do thank God, though, that I wasn't born on April fools...for sure. Haha! Due to me being in stress...probably about being born...my Mom had to be induced into labor and I was born at 11:25 am Tues March 15th.

I am no where near where my Mom was at this age. I'm not married and I don't have a bundle of joy. I always thought I would be at the same place as my Mom at 22 growing up, though. Especially when I was an early teenager, I wanted nothing more than to become someones wife and have loads of babies at a young age, like my Mom. Sitting here now, I realize there is no way I would want to get married and have children right away. Would I like to be married right now? Yeah sure. Do I want children right now? That would be a big fat no. Haha! Although I may know more than the average first Mom due to my experience in the education field and having helped my Mom with four of my five siblings, I know I am no way ready to have a child right now. My Mom didn't want children at 22 either, but she got one.

So far my life has been fairly similar to my Mom's in quite a few ways, but here is where we part in similarities. There are still some similarities that remain between us at this age, like being broke, that I don't want to remain and I know my Mom doesn't want me to have to go through as well. My Mom is an amazing person who has gone through a lot in life. Even though she never wanted children and although I came at a very unopportunistic time, I am very thankful she kept me and that she loves me and my five siblings very much. Love you Mom :-)

Why The Bible Mentions Unicorns

2011-02-23T17:27:00.000-05:00

This is very interesting. I've never heard the argument of believing in the Bible it mentions unicorns, but here it is. This short video explains the truth of the statement. You learn something new every day and I will never think of a "unicorn" the same way again.

Jealous Love

2011-02-22T10:31:00.000-05:00

God is a jealous lover. He gets angry when we give our hearts over to things that don't involve Him. He is a selfless God, but He is selfish about us. He wants us all to Himself and no one else.

Leviticus 20:26 - "And you shall be holy to Me, for I the Lord am holy, and have separated you from the peoples, that you should be Mine."

Jeremiah 18:1-11 - The word which came to Jeremiah from the Lord, saying: "Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause you to hear My words." Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?" says the Lord. "Look, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel! The instant I speak concerning a nation and concerning a kingdom, to pluck up, to pull down, and to destroy it, if that nation against whom I have spoken turns from its evil, I will relent of the disaster that I thought to bring upon it. And the instant I speak concerning a nation and concerning a kingdom, to build and to plant it, if it does evil in My sight so that it does not obey My voice, then I will relent concerning the good with which I said I would benefit it. "Now therefore, speak to the men of Judah and to the inhabitants of Jerusalem, saying, 'Thus says the Lord: "Behold, I am fashioning a disaster and devising a plan against you. Return now every one from his evil way, and make your ways and your doings good." '

Both times God is talking to Israel, His chosen people. He wants them to love Him and give themselves over completely to Him so badly. It amazes me the amount of love God has for that nation. Over and over again Israel denies and rejects God. Yet He still loves them with unabashed and deep passion. In verse 12 of Jeremiah 18, the Israelites say this, "And they said, "That is hopeless! So we will walk according to our own plans, and we will every one obey the dictates of his evil heart." If God still loves Israel so much after a statement like that, which He clearly does if you look at scripture, how can we entertain the thought that God can't love us after we mess up two or three times? Israel has messed up sooooo many times, more than can be counted, and she has given her heart away to many adulterers throughout the centuries. There is nothing we could possibly do that is worse than what Israel has already done. (No offense to Israel or anything) It took a lot for God to become angry with Israel. He's not going to ditch you simply because you messed up...again. God is a jealous God and His loves is more abundant and forgiving than we could ever imagine; slow to anger and quick to love, His anger lasts but a moment and His love a lifetime.

Oh Spring!

2011-02-18T22:03:00.000-05:00

The deliciousness of spring has been lingering around western NY the past couple days. It has been so wonderful!!! The sun has been out, mud is coming up everywhere, and the temperature is in the 40's. Since it's been so cold we don't notice that it actually really isn't that warm out. It feels so good to sense and smell spring ahead. However, it is short-lived. Snow is predicted to come over the weekend and the temperature to drop. :(. It's these little glimpses of hope that the torture of cold weather will end that get us through the bitterness of the rest of the season. It's what God does at times. When we go through a rough patch in life where life seems to be throwing us storm after storm or we're going through a dry patch in life, He throws us a little taste of what it's like after the storm or desert. Our hope is rejuvenated in His faithfulness and we continue on through the trial seeing more of the big picture than before with our faith built up even just the slightest amount.

Finding a job after college is done is no fun. It's tedious and very discouraging when every place you go to turns you down. When you have issues with rejection this does not add the joy of finding a career job, or any job for that matter. It's been hard for me to find a job. I get really discouraged when employers don't even want to consider me for a position. But God has reminded me of the big picture and shown that He is faithful. Nothing is set in any way, but the fact that someone wants to interview me for a consistent full-time position is amazing. It gives me hope that I am worthy of working in the professional world and there are employers that will want me. I can do it, and He will provide.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T12:35:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of valentine's day and love and marriage I have a link to share that is applicable to those who are married, engaged, or even single peeps who one day would like to be married. Pastor Paul Peterson explores sex and the Bible in his four sermon series Bedroom Talks. He goes through the Song of Solomon and discusses God's opinion on sex and advice about being a good lover. Check it out in the podcast list under the media tab.

http://church180.tv

Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo?

2011-02-05T23:05:00.000-05:00

I love dreaming about my wedding, the love my future husband and I will share, the utter and abundant joy that I know will overflow from our marriage, and the journey we will take together. Of course I'm not naive enough to think it won't be hard at times and we both will have to work on our relationship, but that knowledge doesn't hinder me from dreaming about the gloriousness of it all. Any movie that integrates love into the characters lives excites my soul for the time when it will finally come to me...he will come to me and I to him and we will relish in being in love with each other. And since this is Valentines season, movies about love are on all the time for the next couple weeks. How it stirs me on the inside to know that some day, hopefully soon, a man of godly character will come around and sweep me off my feet and I will be able to understand in a tangible sense the lover side of Jesus. I know that Jesus is a lover and that He loves me more than I could ever imagine. But so many times I wish He would meet me in a physical form just so I could have a hug from Him. To feel, physically feel just how much I mean to Him. Someday my future husband will be able to show that to me. I know that he will be used by God to materialize that for me. Oh how I long for that day!!!! It will come, I hope, soon. Where is my Romeo?

What is Better?

2010-10-28T15:23:00.000-04:00

So I love talking about the end times. It gets me all excited to know what God is going to do and how He is going to provide, and righteously angry when I hear people say they don't believe we'll be here during the tribulation. For a while I've gone back and forth about whether to post about this frustration, and I've decided I need to say something.

The Bible clearly says we will be raptured after the 7th trumpet. The trumpets come after the seals, and the first seal won't be opened til the Antichrist says he or she is god (Rev 5). There are promises given to the followers of Christ about the provision He will have for His children. Revelations is a book that tells us exactly what is going to happen and it even gives time spans once the Tribulation starts. The only thing we don't know is when the Antichrist will make him/herself known. But once s/he does, we know the exact timeline of what will happen BECAUSE REVELATIONS TELLS US!

Regardless of whether you think I am correct in my thinking or not, is not the point. I don't care if you think I'm wrong. What I do care about is people's attitudes about when they think we will be raptured. The world has seemed to forgotten that Jesus is coming back and we need to be prepared for that. I think it is a dangerous thing to expect to not live through Tribulation, and so you don't study or prepare yourself. IS IT NOT BETTER TO EXPECT WE WILL BE HERE FOR THE TRIBULATION AND TO PREPARE FOR IT, THEN IF JESUS COMES BEFORE YOU ARE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED, THAN TO NOT PREPARE AT ALL AND REALIZE TOO LATE THAT YOU'RE IN IT AND BE DISAPPOINTED WITH GOD BECAUSE HE DIDN'T TAKE YOU AHEAD OF TIME?! The Bible says many will turn away from Him during the Tribulation because of bitterness and anger about what God is doing, and to be honest I think a lot of those people that turn away will be the ones who expected to be raptured before the Tribulation and are angry that they're here.

Whether we leave before the Tribulation or not, I call out to all who follow Christ to be prepared for the Tribulation. If you expect to be here then, there won't be any disappointment and you'll know what's going to happen and when. Grow in your relationship with God; be secure in Him and study His word. We are heading toward the end. The temple that will be destroyed by the Antichrist is in the workings to be built. It may not happen for 50 years, but it's coming. Once that temple is built, it's only a matter of time.
BE PREPARED!!!!

Our Connection to God

2010-09-19T14:30:00.000-04:00

When I wrote the post Revelation I mentioned how I would post something about the rest of what was revealed to us that night about God and His love. Well, here it is.

God gives us relationships and experiences to help us understand His love and draw closer in intimacy to Him. Fathers are there to show us the fatherly side of God; brothers and sisters to show us the family side; best friends and friends in general to show us His comradeship with us; significant others (boyfriend/girlfriend) to show us the lover that He is; spouses to show us the bridegroom that He is and the way He loves the church as a whole and individually as a husband to it. God is like a huge water tank with millions of line/pipes coming out of it. We have one large pipe that connects us directly to Him when He becomes our Savior. As life with Him progresses, our experiences with relationships add lines from us to God. Until we have each relationship experience (in the way God intended them), we won't truly understand and be connected to God in that way. You won't truly know the lover Jesus is until you have a lover. We can theorize and understand the concept, but we won't truly understand and connect with Him that way until we have that godly relationship with a physical person. That is why God created marriage and families, so that we could understand Him more and be way more intimate with Him than if we were single our whole lives. So as we go through life, we not only gain lines toward God, but we help build lines for others. You may not be the person that connects someone's line to God, but you will be part of the process in getting their pipe to reach the water tank. We have control over how much outpouring of God we allow in our lives. There is a valve on our lines/pipes that only we can turn on. We can turn it off to keep God from our lives or we can open it just enough for a slow drip. Or we can have a continuous steady flow of God's living water in our lives all the time. You get to decide, He won't force you to want the water of life. Satan will try to stop the flow by putting objects in the lines or cutting off your lines somehow. When that happens, you need to locate where the problem is and remove it. It could be an act of sin, or trial that helps us to grow, in either thing we must overcome so that the water of life keeps flowing and overflowing.

The part about relationships really changed my thinking. Before, always wanted...desired to be married out of fear of being alone. But now I desire to be married so that I can be closer to God and understand Him more. I want to know the true lover Jesus is.

Thursday Nights is Where its At

2010-09-18T23:50:00.001-04:00

God has shown up so much every Thursday night Heather and I meet up to study Revelations. This past Thursday was incredible; we did something neither of us has done before. But I'll talk about that later. It's funny, even though we're (supposed) to be studying Revelations, which we do, we always end up reading/ studying something else than Revelations every time. We pretty much let God have the reigns and take us wherever He wants to show us whatever He wants us to see.

This past Thursday Heather brought up Psalm 45. There's a key word in verse 12 that puts a certain picture or definition in our minds.
"And the daughter of Tyre will come with a gift; the rich among the people will seek your favor."
When someone tells you to seek something, what action comes to mind? Or how do you think you should act? When someone tells me that I need to seek for something I have always felt that I need to strive to find that something. That somehow it's hiding and I need to seek it out. (See how I used the word? ;-]) Well guess what, God showed us the real meaning of seeking. Psalm 45:12 reminded us of Jeremiah 29:13 - "And you seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart". After looking up the definition of the Hebrew word seek, we found something interesting. Seek doesn't mean to look for and find. The literal translation of seek is "to make oneself sick with longing for Him". This translation is from the Greek and Hebrew. So when Jeremiah says that when we seek God we will find Him, he doesn't mean to go looking for God. Jesus is right in front of you and all around you. He is ever present and literally right in front of your face. So when we are told to seek God and we will find Him, we're being told to make ourselves sick with desire for Him; to long for Him with every fiber of our being and nothing less than everything, and we will find Him. It's voluntary love. He's not hiding, our eyes and heart are just under a veil so we can't see. As we draw closer to Him and grow in our relationship with Him, He reveals more and more of Himself to us; He takes the cover off our eyes so that we may see more of who He is. His wanting us to desire Him goes back to things I talked about in my post Revelations. Seek after the Lord, desire Him with everything in you and He will show Himself to you.

Another thing we talked about was the Seraphim talked about in Revelations 4. The Seraphim are the highest ranking angels in heaven. Just a one verse in this chapter reveal so much about the four Seraphim in Heaven and how they show a true example of seeking God. Verse 8 in chapter 4 says, "The four living creatures (the Seraphim), each having six wings were full of eyes around and within. And they do not rest day or night, saying: Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!'". First I want to point out how it says these angels are covered with eyes "around and within". It's hard to picture, but what an image it brings. The Seraphim have millions of eyes and they always see a different side of God. Second thing I wanted to point out is how the Bible says they don't rest day or night. Why would that be written unless they have the choice to rest? Unless they have the choice to leave God's throne? They are the highest ranking angels in Heaven, I have a feeling they can go pretty much wherever they want. But they don't. The Seraphim, highest honored angels, constantly sit at the feet of God worshiping Him. Their love for God is voluntary and incredibly strong. They desire to be near God so much, and just want to be in His presence that they forgo rest. They give their all to Him. A true example of how to seek.

So as we're sitting in God's evident presence we decide to go out to Wal-mart and pray for people. Even though we were both excited to go and see God move, we both had quite a bit of fear about the idea. Before we went, we spent time in prayer rebuking fear and apprehension and asking God for boldness. We had no idea what God would have in store for us that night. Our time studying God's word and truth had been so fruitful we weren't sure what else could and would happen. On the way we prayed as well, asking God if there was a particular person we needed to find and talk to. God let us know there was a particular girl we needed to talk to and so we walked into Wal-mart on a mission for God. The first lady we asked about whether she would like prayer or not was very short. She said no and walked away. Surprising unhindered by the rejection we had just received, praise the Lord, we moved on. And then we saw her. A young twenty-something aged girl doing her job. We ended up talking with her for about a half hour, just encouraging her and letting her know that God saw her and cares for her more than she can imagine. It was such a blessing to talk with this girl and share with her. Turns out she is a Christian who had a difficult day and was feeling rather discouraged. It was so amazing. God is awesome. =D

After going to the parking lot to leave, God showed up even more so in good ole Vivian (my car) than He had earlier in the night. We literally sat in the parking lot worshiping God and praying for people passing by the car for around an hour, or possibly longer. It may have looked crazy to outsiders, but we didn't care. It was so amazing to just be in His presence.

Revelation

2010-09-03T12:06:00.001-04:00

Last night my friend Heather and I were supposed to study chapter one of Revelations. I say "supposed to" because we only read as far as verse 9 and we only went in-depth as far as verse 5. Haha! God had other plans and we just went with it, and I am so glad we did. God totally showed up and revealed so much of Himself and His desire to us. It all started at verse 1 with the word revelation.

In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, revelation means an act of revealing or communicating divine truth. In a Bible dictionary Heather had, its definition was laying bear, making naked. Jesus wants to reveal Himself to us; everything about Him; where He's going and what He's doing. He is not ashamed and has no flaws, so He stands before us completely naked revealing everything about Himself in character, desires, and just who He is.

Now what we discovered last night may have a lot of you thinking we're crazy and out of our minds. You may ask how can we believe such things, but I tell you it was ALL of the Lord. As we were talking and God was revealing things to us, we didn't know how we were coming to the conclusions we had and yet everything made sense. It was obvious God was there directing our thoughts and words and prayers; the room was intensely hot with His presence. So let me shock you for a sec - there is no plan.

What does that mean? It means there's no plan; no a,b,c,d to follow. Christians tend to stress that we need to follow the plan God has for us. In our minds a plan means you go from point a to point b and so on. We have this view that there's this twisty tiny path to walk on with no leeway on either side. But guess what? THERE IS NO PLAN!!!!! So many times God asks you what you want to do. Yes, there are times in life where He will tell you you need to do such-and-such. But for the majority of the time, He is not concerned about what you do. Heather described it well. Life is a playground with God. There are boundaries (His commandments and laws) that we need to stay within to protect us from harm, but there is an immense amount of space that we have the freedom to move around however we want. Each persons playground is different because our desires and needs are different. Don't think of a playground as a small park that you take kids to. No, think of it as an enormous field where God has placed every toy you could ever want. And HE JUST WANTS TO PLAY WITH YOU. If you want to go on the seesaw, go on the seesaw. If you want to slide, go on the slide. Swing if that's what you want to do. He just wants to be with you in everything. God is lovesick over you and just wants to be close to you.

We don't have a plan, but we do have a mission and a purpose.Our mission and purpose in life is to LOVE AND BE LOVED. The greatest commandment - "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength" - is the first part of our mission and purpose. Without His love we cannot love others. And the second greatest commandment - "Love your neighbor as yourself' - is the second part of our mission and purpose. All He wants us to do is love Him, grow closer to Him, glorify Him in everything, and receive the love He has for us. What freedom we have in this. Bloom where you are, play with Him, and enjoy His love.

Our humanly idea of what a plan is generates a fear of what happens when we step off the narrow path.Well since we no longer have to worry about the visual of a twisty narrow path, the fear of what happens when you step off the narrow lane changes as well. Psalm 89:14 says that the foundation of God's throne is righteousness and justice. We focus so much on the justice that we forget the righteousness. And here comes the second biggest revelation of the night - THE JUDGMENT IS NOT NOW! We are not supposed to pray for judgment until the Tribulation begins. There is no judgment now; God has no judgment for us now. Yes He does have anger, but He is slow to anger and it only lasts a moment before His love for us takes over. Anger is different than judgment, though. Right now is His righteousness and love, which will never end but doesn't include judgment yet. We have this view that if we stumble or take one step out of His boundaries that God will and does condemn and judge us. But God has no condemnation for us. We expect judgment and condemnation therefore we see it in everything. If you expect judgment, you will see judgment in everything and you will judge yourself. If you expect condemnation, you see condemnation in everything and condemn yourself. If you expect to be compared to others, you see everything as a comparison to you and you will compare yourself to everything. So it stands to reason that if you expect love, not only will you receive love abounding but you will see love in everything, you will give love to others, and you will love yourself. Brothers and sister I adjure you to have high expectations of love and mercy and grace from your Heavenly Father. In truth that's what He has for you, so expect it. Expect great things and do not let the fear of disappointment stand in your way.

God does not push us to come back to Him if we take a step out of His boundary. Instead, He is crying over us. He sees the harm we put ourselves into and because He loves us so much, He hates to see us hurt by the devil. So He reaches out His hand to us, yearning for us to come back to Him to love and safety. We make the decision to stay with God or leave His safety. We decide how far our relationship with Him goes. He has ultimate power and can make us do anything He wants, but He doesn't. He wants us to chose to love Him and desire to be with Him and grow in Him. He loves us so much and if He forces us to love Him and be with Him, it's no longer true love; it's manipulation. God seeks to love, not manipulate. That's why we have free will. Walk in the freedom of Christ knowing your purpose and mission in life. Run after Him because He wants you!

There are so many other things that were revealed to us about God's love last night. So many incredible things. I would write it all down here, but this post is long. Ask God to reveal Himself to you and He will because I know He wants to be closer to you.

The End

2010-05-14T09:19:00.000-04:00

This is my last weekend on a college campus. I will miss this. The massive amounts of people only seconds away. The ability to meet up with friends on the spur of the moment. College at Brockport, you will be missed by this girl. However, I will not miss the homework or having to sit through a class you can't stand. Lol! Out of everything I'll miss, the companionship of friends is number one. Many days I have spent trying to prepare my myself for the inevitable end of college. That day is tomorrow. I'm excited/scared/sad all at the same time. Last year when I went to graduation, I wasn't able to make it all the way back to my room before crying. Don't ask why it was so emotional, I don't even know. Haha! But it was. So I wonder, how will I react when I walk onto that stage and receive my blank piece of paper? Will I be able to hold in my emotions long enough til I'm at least away from everyone? Will I break down during graduation? (I really hope not) Will I not shed one tear? It's amazing to me that I've made it this far in life. In sixth grade I was so worried I wouldn't even be able to pass middle school, so how on earth was I going to pass college. But here I am - a college graduate. I've finished every assignment, and now I'm just packing and waiting for tomorrow. It's a little surreal at the moment, that tomorrow is graduation. Yesterday it didn't seem that way, but today it does. I've never thought any farther ahead than this my entire life. Oh boy. This is it. The end of the chapter. The door for life and the real world. Lord, help me get through this, I gonna need it.

New Hair?

2010-04-07T11:20:00.000-04:00

Here's a short conversation I had with one of my male students yesterday.

T: I like your hair.
Me: Thanks. I let it go natural today, so that's why it's curly. (Most of the time I'll have my hair up or straightened when I go to placement. Makes it easier.)
T: No, I know you got a new one put in.
Me: (Thinking for a second to figure out what he means. Light bulb goes off) No, this is my hair.
T: No it's not. I know you got some new hair. It's different than last week.
Me: (I thought about explaining it to him, but decided not; instead I laughed) Well thank you.

Oh children, how I love them. :)

Colorblindness

2010-03-26T18:08:00.000-04:00

This past week during my placement, I had an interesting conversation with one of my students. I don't remember a lot from our conversation, but there is something in particular that struck me. She had colorblindness. Now I don't mean this in the sense that she couldn't see colors, not at all. She is colorblind in the sense of skin color. While I am white, she is black. One day she came up to me and called me 'That's so Raven'. So I asked her if I looked like Raven. Her first response was yes, but then she thought about it for a second and said that I looked like Hannah Montana instead. Here is a little look at how parts of the conversation went.

Me: I don't look like Raven cause I'm too white, right?
T: No, but Raven is black.
Me: But that means I'm too white.
T: No.
Me: What are some differences between me and Raven?
(several differences were given)
T: Your hair is different.
Me: How is my hair different?
T: Well Raven always has her hair up.
Me: Oh, and isn't her hair longer than mine?
T: Yeah.

So why did I point out these particular points of the conversation? Well, this shows just how much skin color doesn't matter to this child. I kept telling her that I was white and therefore could not look like someone who is black because our skin color is so different (this was simply said to gauge what this child thought and not because it matters to me, because it doesn't really). However, this child did not see skin color as the deal breaker on whether I look like Raven or not. The hair is significant because my hair is different than hers. I was expecting her to say something about how the texture of Raven's and my hair is different. But nope, she didn't see it. It was amazing to see how a child who lives in a culture where the majority of people are the same race as her would not see the obvious differences between me, the white girl, and herself. The other reason it surprised me was because white kids would most likely tell me I didn't look like Raven because of my skin color. I know not all white kids would say this, but I have a feeling the majority would even if they didn't mean it in a mean way; skin color would be pointed out. So how come this child can't see the difference between my skin and hers, but many white children I've come into contact with would notice? I don't know.

Being the Minority is a Little Awkward Sometimes

2010-03-02T23:05:00.001-05:00

Today during my placement, we had an assembly to celebrate Black History Month at the end of the day. My kids had been practicing the black national anthem for a couple weeks and I was excited to see them perform. Being in a city school, I sometimes feel a little awkward being the minority amongst the students and staff. I don't have any judgments about them, but sometimes I wonder if there's a stereotype that I am judged off of from the older students and parents. You can tell who really doesn't care that I'm white and who does. If I walk in the school and smile at one of the parents or staff members I see and they smile back or say hi, you know they could really care less what color I am. But then there are those who pretend like I'm not even there; that's always a little awkward. Anyway I'm getting away from my story. I am a little embarrassed to say that I did not know there was such a thing as a black national anthem until two weeks ago, so for all of you that don't know as well, there is. haha! It's a very nice song actually and it has a catchy tune. So when my kids went up and started singing their anthem, I started singing it softly with them from the audience like many of the other parents/teachers/students that were there watching. And then the realization came to me, I won't ever be able to sing that song with the same enthusiasm and passion as those parents were. Suddenly I felt really awkward being white. I felt like I didn't belong and couldn't relate to many of the others in the room. I wondered what the parents thought of me, a little white girl, singing their national anthem and I became conscious of how weird I might seem to them. The feeling of not deserving to share with them in their singing crossed my mind. Now, I don't treat others of different colors any different then I treat people who are the same color as me; at least I try. Given, I feel like I sometimes have to be very careful what I say around certain races so as not to offend anyone by making a comment that could be taken the wrong way, but I don't think of anyone differently because of their color. I don't know if I'm making sense or not, but it just felt awkward for me during the assembly simply because I was the minority and I couldn't share in the feelings of those around me in the same way. Well anyway, the kids sang wonderfully and I loved watching them.

On a side note, most of them have really warmed up to me and are not afraid to come for a hug. This really makes me happy cause they don't get a lot of positive physical touch from teachers, and I am more than happy to give them this show of love. Even some of the boys will come for a hug when I come into the classroom. I would say the only child that seems really unsure of me is the one white child. haha! Although my kids may need a little E.G.R. (Extra Grace Required - "credit to Holly Ritchie") I love them very dearly no matter how I may complain sometimes about the frustrating attitudes.

Uncalled For

2010-02-08T19:04:00.000-05:00

Since I've started my field placement this semester I've been thinking a lot about how a teacher is perceived by the students. I'm finally completing my last placement and I am in the inner city again. It may sound weird, but I really like being in an inner city school. Although, I hate driving in the city. haha! Anyway, there are two teachers in my classroom of 1st graders. One of the teachers has given me this thought of how much do we affect children. All three times I've gone so far, this woman has torn apart at least one (if not three or four) children for something they didn't do perfectly or something they're having trouble with. I wonder if she saw herself on a camera and heard the way she sounds if she would continue to act and speak the same way. School is supposed to be somewhere these kids can come and feel secure and not judged. Instead, one kid gets balled out because he didn't cut something the right way and another one gets yelled at for answering a question honestly. I don't care whether a child is a troublemaker or someone who is frustrating a lot, no child deserves to be yelled at in front of the entire class for being "bad". Today, one particular child was having a really hard time sitting perfectly during the math lesson. So this teacher asked him if she was boring him. He was completely honest with his answer. He looked her in the face and said yes. She then proceeded to yell at him for giving an honest answer and told him several times how rude he was. Umm excuse me, but you asked him a question and he gave you an answer. If you didn't want to hear that you weren't keeping the attention of your 1st grade student, don't ask. It makes me wonder how I come off to kids and what messages I'm sending them. I certainly hope I'm not making them feel like they are a waste of my time and that they frustrate me all the time or that they're worthless. If I was one of those students that is exactly what I would feel from this teacher. It constantly reminds me that I need to watch my body language, the tone of voice I use and the words I choose. Just something to ponder.

99 Balloons

2010-01-30T12:44:00.001-05:00

This is a beautiful yet very sad story.

Confessions of a Single Girl

2010-01-11T22:30:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about waiting for the perfect man. I've received several books about waiting and being virtuous during past Christmases. I have enjoyed reading each of those books, but there is something I've realized that each one has in common - they are all written by women who have dated a multitude of men and haven't found "him". The Chicken Soul books and ones similar to it are the same as well. Women who have dated again and again tell their readers how hard it has been and how hurt they have gotten. In no way am I demeaning that fact. I know that you get hurt every time a relationship ends, but what about the girls who have never dated and are struggling with that as well as waiting. I am and have been one such girl. I have not dated anyone or had a boyfriend my entire life. Reading the books about virtuosity and waiting were nice, interesting, and encouraging a little but they didn't really help me with my own situation. I know there are probably more girls out there who have dated many guys than those who haven't dated at all. For all those girls who are in their 20's and never dated, this is for you.

I have been told on numerous occasions by a couple people that I am better off not having my heart broken over and over again by old boyfriends. I feel as though it is assumed that I suffer less and am hurt less because I have never dated. Well guess what, that isn't true. Since I was 5 I have wanted to marry. In fact my life goal at one point was to be a wife and a mother; not college or a certain career, haha. Even though I have not dated yet, a similar hurt that is there when you end a relationship has been with me. On numerous occasions throughout my life I have been interested in different guys; since about kindergarten. I don't really remember times in my childhood (before 17 or 18) where I didn't consistently have a crush on someone. I desired love in the worst way. The crushes that I had were not simply a one week or month kind of thing either, when I had a crush it was for a long time. The longest crush I had on a guy was for 6 years. Each time I kept hoping and praying that they would love me in return. Just as a girl gives her heart away to her boyfriend when they are in that relationship, so did I. It wasn't something I meant to do or even realized I did while I was in the situation, but I realize it now. I would hope continually that my crush would like me back and tell me. I would walk in denial, convincing myself that the person was really madly in love with me and it would just take time for him tell me. It's crazy I know, but when you are desperate for something, being realistic doesn't really happen. Emotions take over and it's hard to convince the heart what the head knows to be true. At one point or another I would have to face the hard fact that the affection I had for the other person was not and would never be returned. Even though I was not in a relationship with that person, it was like I was going through a break up. The feelings of rejection and heartbreak were there and very real. I won't pretend I know what going through a break up with a boyfriend is, but based off of what I've seen with friends and heard from others I can pretty much guess what I felt was pretty similar.

I woke up one day and realized how much I was hurting myself by putting myself through these situations. It was all by my own doing. I was lowering my standards for any guy that would show the least bit of interest, and many of the guys I liked I would not go for again because I know how it has hurt me. I have high, what I sometimes feel like are too high, standards for my future husband. They are Godly characteristics that I thought about in great detail over the years as I've grown. As I was thinking about these standards I realized that there is NO way I will ever be able to find the man for me on my own. God is the only one who can do it. Of course I've known this for a really long time, but knowing and "knowing" are two different things. Knowing is when you have knowledge of a fact in your head. But "knowing", is when you take that fact or piece of information and really believe it in your heart. (Sometimes it takes a while for this transition to occur.) Standards are something every girl should have. We each will differ in them, but we should all have them and refuse to back down for second best because we can't wait any longer. Easier said than done. Patience is a virtue, and a very hard one to attain; especially when you've waited years and years.

I don't want to act like I have it all set. I don't. I struggle with waiting all the time. Most of the time I'm ok with it, but sometimes I am not. I could say to every girl that is waiting for the right one that she just has to be patient and he will show up, but I know that frustrates me a lot when I hear it over and over again. It is true that he will come, eventually, but more important is how I need to go before God every day and give up the control of trying to find "him" on my own. I need to trust God to bring him to me (or me to him) in HIS OWN TIME. That's probably one of the hardest concepts - God's timing. We never know what it is or when He will do things. Sometimes it gets really frustrating because we want what we want when we want it. But no matter how much I a husband, I will always agree that if I wait for God , it will be sooooooo much more pleasurable and exciting and beautiful when it happens. Like jumping in a pool after you've worked all day outside in the hot sun. Yes, I probably will falter and make more mistakes. But God will always welcome me back into His timing and His plan. So if this is something you struggle with, take it before God. Ask a Goldy woman of your church to disciple you and be your spiritual authority. The change may not be instantaneous, but change will occur and it will slowly get easier. It's taken a long time for me to get where I am. (At one point I couldn't even talk to someone about this struggle and desire.) And I can't wait to see what God has in store for me over the next several years. I know it will be more than I can imagine.

Ps 130:5-6 "I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning ; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning"

Is 34:16 "Seek from the book of the LORD, and read : Not one of these will be missing ; None will lack its mate. For His mouth has commanded, And His Spirit has gathered them."

1 Cor. 7: 34-36 "The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit ; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.This I say for your own benefit ; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord. But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his virgin daughter, if she is past her youth, and if it must be so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin ; let her marry.

Seek diligently after the Lord while single, and He will provide for you a spouse.

"Knowledge without expectancy leads to dead religion."

Gahhhhh!

2009-12-06T17:58:00.000-05:00

Things are sooooo busy with the semester ending in only two weeks (woohooo!) so unfortunately I haven't had time to pen down all the thoughts and things happening. But I promise to do so when Christmas is here =D

Around and Around and Around...

2009-11-10T00:27:00.000-05:00

Over the past several months I have been feeling restricted. It's been a struggle. I get frustrated because I feel like my relationship with God isn't moving. It's as though I'm on a path that keeps going around in circles. When it seems like maybe I've gotten away from a certain mindset or issue, it just comes back again. This has frustrated me beyond what I feel I can handle sometimes. I know that God has changed my heart over the years, and I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. But that feeling of still being in the same ruts is wearisome. Over this past weekend I went away on a retreat. There were many things I could talk about that went through my mind, but there is one thing that particularly pertains to this. During one of the talks, it was brought up that Satan uses the same tactic over and over again to take us off the path God has for us. He doesn't change it up at all. In fact when he tempted Jesus in the desert, Satan used the same scheme. And when Jesus wouldn't give in, the Bible says Satan "left Him until an opportune time", meaning he would be coming back to tempt Jesus again. That struck me. I had never thought of that before. Is this why I feel like I am going in circles all the time? A picture was drawn of an arrow in a straight line that represents God's destiny for us. Then little arrows were draw off of the big arrow at different intervals. The small arrows were Satan's attempts to get us off the path God has for us. Maybe instead of going in circles, I just keep falling for that same scheme that is thrown at me. It still seems just as depressing though. At this point, shouldn't I be able to recognize when I'm heading for that bunny trail and prevent myself from feeling like I have to start over again. Each time it's happened my desire for control over that certain area grows. I didn't even realize it until now. Me going off on those trails has made my heart be less and less willing to trust God in everything. My heart belongs to God, or at least most of it. I have to come to terms with giving it all up and trusting in Him completely. I want to, but I don't want to. I'm terrified and immensely scared of what will happen, but I know that if I don't His plan for me will never fully come to pass. He's waiting for me to give it all up. I don't know how because I've held on to it for so long, but I've decided I will find out how. I don't want to be restricted any more. I want out of this feeling forever. I want Him to be enough for me, to be my best friend, and I want to be in His will completely...even if it is terrifying at first.

Comebacks

2009-10-28T16:08:00.000-04:00

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2009/10/comebacks/

This is really interesting. I know that's not describing it very well, but read what he has to say and I bet you'll think a similar thing as well. =D

Change

2009-10-22T18:34:00.000-04:00

Pulling...
Stretching...
Like a rubber band,
Being pulled and maneuvered.
Ideas shifting,
Thoughts being thought differently,
It hurts
But I know it will be worth it in the end

Big Impact

2009-10-19T14:12:00.001-04:00

It's hard for me to put into words what I thought when I saw this. All I could think of was "wow". So challenging and inspiring.

Hallelujah (Light has Come)

2009-10-12T15:43:00.001-04:00

Beautiful song

Hmmm...

2009-10-10T16:10:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't posted in a loooooong time, but it's because I've been thinking a lot and pondering so many things. Everything hasn't come together yet, but I know it will. And when it does, I'll let you know what I've been thinking. =D

-_-

2009-09-28T10:54:00.001-04:00

I'm so frustrated with life lately. *sigh

anti depression vdeo

2009-09-14T22:04:00.001-04:00

If you thought the laughing baby was funny, you'll enjoy this. Best video ever!

Huh?

2009-09-09T22:01:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in class today, when one of the girls in my class started sharing a story about a nightmare she had last night; it was about the engagement ring she has been hoping to get. In her dream, her boyfriend had given her a small diamond ring (like the size of a stud earring) that she said had a red ring around the diamond. She laughed about it and then said, "but seriously, if he gives me that small a ring in real life, I will say no". I turned to her and said "really?!" She went on to explain that she was dead serious and that she wouldn't accept anything less than a 2 karat, princess cut, in a white gold band ring. This is not the first time I've heard a girl say this, but none of them, until now, have been so specific about what they will accept. What has happened to the world? Is love no longer important to get married, but the type of ring will decide whether you decide to marry someone? That is sickening to me.

Unexpected Word

2009-08-28T20:59:00.000-04:00

I have been meaning to write about this for some time, but something has seemed to come up, or I couldn't come up with the right words to write this.

One Tuesday night, a man with the gift of prophecy came to Christ Community to talk. He is also a musician. It was amazing. I could tell the Lord was there when he first started worship; you just could feel His presence. This man's wife sang and his son played electric guitar with him. His son is a very talented guitar player. There was no sheet music he was following; he was just free styling it as his Dad played the melody. It was so beautiful and wonderful to hear them.

After the music and him teaching on being caught in the middle, he said if anyone wanted prayer they should come up to the front and he would pray over you. At first I wasn't sure if that meant we were all supposed to go up or only some people. After thinking about it for a second I decided I wanted to go up, but I was a little scared to (for silly reasons). It was partly cause I wasn't sure I would like what I would hear, but my curiosity won over my fear. I wanted to know he would say to me.

It took a really long time for the guy to pray for everyone. I was right around the end, so I had time to prepare for what might be said to me. I was hoping it would be something profound, something about my future or certain desires and the timing of their fulfillment. In actuality, it was about the complete opposite of that. The whole thing was recorded, but I did not get a CD, so what I have to share is what I wrote down right after I was prayed for. So here is the basic gist of what was said: (I wish I could show you how my notes are for this cause they are all over, but I'm organizing it for you. =D)

"Back in the Bible days Israel used these huge, like 40,000 tons, stones to make the foundations of the temples. They would move them into place and hand chisel the pillars. You have these big blocks for a foundation. The blocks for the foundation are moving, but they move slowly. Wait and be patient. It takes time; they're not just something you can pick up and move quickly even though you may want that to happen. The foundation is being moved so that something strong can be built on it. Talk to God and share your heart with Him; spend time with Him. PATIENCE!"

When I heard I had to be patient, I sighed and gave a little chuckle. It was frustrating and encouraging all at the same time. Frustrating because I wanted so badly to know something really important and be enlightened about where my life was going; and that is not what I was told. But encouraged because it clarified something I've struggled with about myself. Often times I wonder if God is changing me in any way. A lot of my friends will be able to point out exactly what God is doing in their lives all the time. It has seemed like God is always working in other peoples lives, but it hasn't really appeared like God is doing anything in mine. There are a couple times where that hasn't been the case, but for the most part I feel like I progress really slowly in my relationship with God compared to others. Now it makes sense, kind of. It has helped me to understand why I feel like that, but not why I have been chosen to have my life work that way. SO frustration and some encouragement. And because I have that innate desire to know everything, it makes sense why I would be told to be patient. *sigh -_- lol!

A Sacrifice

2009-08-10T21:46:00.000-04:00

A while back, like a long time, an email was sent to me with a story attatched from a pastor. Unfortunately I can't find the email (I must've deleted it by accident), but I remember the story because it left a big impression in my mind. Tonight I was thinking of this story. The story is told by the pastor and it goes something like this...

A man, his son, and the son's friend went out for a fishing trip. (If not fishing, it was something where they were out in water.) During the trip a storm came upon the little boat. Both the son and friend fell overboard. The father was trying to help both of them back onto the boat, but he couldn't do it. He could only save one of the boys. The father had a choice to make, did he help his only son and let the friend die, or did he help the friend and let his only son die. The father knew his son was a Christian and that he would eventually see him again one day, and the he knew the friend wasn't a Christian. So what did he do? He yelled goodbye to his son and helped the friend into the boat. His son drowned, to save the life of someone who didn't know God.

This is a very condensed version of the story, but the point is the father let his only son die so that the non-Christian friend wouldn't. The pastor who told this story was the friend of the son. Because of the father's sacrifice, he gave his life to God. He used this story in his sermon to get the point across about what God did for us when He allowed His only son to die for us so that we could be saved. It struck me as a very interesting and thought provoking way to describe the sacrifice God made for us.

Different Perspective

2009-08-07T13:10:00.000-04:00

So I'm gonna do that really annoying thing where I take something secular and turn it into something Christian when it's not. I know there are Christians that hate it when other Christians do that, but I've been thinking about this for a while and it's something I need share.

Here is Taylor Swifts song "You Belong with Me"

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesnt like
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standin by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.

Can't you see that I'm the one who understand you?
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that
You belong with me
You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with me

Since being introduced to it by a friend, I've listened to it several times and I must admit that I love this song. While one day I was listening to it, a thought occured to me; this describes God. Call me crazy and stretching it a little, but it's true. The song is about a girl who isn't popular. Instead she's just an average girl. She knows everything about him and how to comfort him. But he wants the popular girl and the 'fun' even though there seems to be a lot of hardship that comes along with that. The girl isn't pushy. She just waits for the time when the guy will realize what she has to offer him. God is the same in many ways. He isn't the really flashy popular girl who causes all the heartache. He's the one who is always there to comfort us, the one who knows everything about us. All He wants is for us to realize that sin may be fun to have a relationship with, but she has a lot of problems and causes a lot of heartache. If only we would turn to Him and devote ourselves to loving Him, everything would work out and we would always be joyful. just as Taylor keeps trying to tell her neighbor she loves him, God keeps trying to let us know how much He loves us. But we keep going back to the popular girl, and we turn our eyes away from the signs that He is placing in the window. So yeah, those are some of my thoughts about this song.

Cooties

2009-07-29T12:41:00.001-04:00

hahahahahahahahaha!

Children see. Children Do.

2009-07-29T12:36:00.001-04:00

Wow. Definitely makes you think.

4th of July

2009-07-17T17:43:00.000-04:00

I love how the first one that goes off. I didn't realize I had captured it until later <3

Expectations

2009-07-09T21:39:00.000-04:00

I was sent this by a friend. Over the past couple months, God has been letting me know how much I need to trust Him. The subject of Trust has been coming up all over the place. While at Reverent (a worship night that a church in Akron, NY hosts), the pastor talked about expecting things in trust instead of just hoping that maybe God will come through. The next day, my friend Kerri (who was not at Reverent the night before) sent me something about expecting as well. I thought I would share with everyone because it is a powerful reminder.

*********
Raise Your Expectation
Creflo Dollar

I often tell my congregation, “Expectation is the breeding ground for miracles.” In order to receive from the Lord, we must expect Him to show up and show out in our lives. Without a fervent sense of expectancy, all we are doing is taking part in religious exercises that have no power behind them. It is time for Believers to start expecting God to do some great and mighty things in our lives.

Many Christians pray, read their Bibles, go to church, and serve in various capacities in ministry, but when it comes to the promises of God leaping off the pages of the Bible and manifesting in their lives, their faith levels are really low. They say they believe but they really do not, nor do they really expect God to come through on His Word. This is not the way Christians should live.

God wants us to release our faith for everything we need and desire. He wants you to expand your capacity to receive by believing Him for BIG things! When you read a scripture from His Word, and receive it in your heart, without doubt, you should absolutely expect it to come to pass. There should be no question in your mind that what God said is exactly what He will do.
I like the example of the man at the Gate called Beautiful, in the book of Acts.

Acts 3:2-5 recounts the scene:

“And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple; Who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked alms. And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, Look on us. And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them.”

This man received his healing because he expected to get something from Peter and John. He had his neck outstretched and his faith engaged. As a result, he was able to leap to his feet.

I wonder how many Christians could have already experienced the manifestation of the things they are believing from the Word, if only they would walk in unwavering expectation. There are no limits to what God can do, and if you can believe for what seems impossible, He will do it.

Expectation also means dreaming big. Do not limit God because of what your past experiences have been, or based on what others may say. Sometimes you will have to get “out of the box” so to speak, in order to receive bigger and better things from God. If you can find it in the Word of God, and you have the faith for it, you will possess it. You are not waiting on God; He is waiting on you! Walk in expectation and watch your dreams become a reality.

Scripture References

Mark 11:23
Acts 3:2-5
Mark 10:27

Operation Beautiful

2009-07-05T22:45:00.001-04:00

Touching...very touching

Visit www.OperationBeautiful.com to read the latest notes =D

Let Me be Your Wings, Let Me be Your Only Love

2009-06-20T21:54:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg4w-q6GSW8

So I had this thought today as I was listening to this song on the way home. This is what God is saying to us. He wants us to let Him take us places we've never been before and trust wholeheartedly in Him no matter what. One particlar part of the song stands out in this aspect. As the Prince is flying Thumbelina around, he tells her he won't let her fall and then he lets her go. She starts falling but acts completely unafraid. She trusts that he won't let her fall and he will be there to catch her. And he does catch her and keep her from falling. God wants us to trust in Him the same way Thumbelina trusted the Prince. He's calling out to us asking us to "let Him be our wings" and all He wants is for us to say yes "you will be my wings" with utter devotion and trust. He will never let us fall.

Trust

2009-06-15T18:00:00.000-04:00

Trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust, trust . . .

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."
Psalm 62:8

2009-06-08T20:40:00.000-04:00

Like a Balance Beam

2009-06-08T19:46:00.000-04:00

There's a fine line you tread as a young adult. A line I've been searching the limits of since I've left home for college. It's a line discerning adult from child, where you have to figure out how to be your own person and live your life the way you think it should be lived and still honor and respect your parents. You find out your parents don't know you as well as they think they do, and you realize their advise is not always the best advise. You're searching, searching to find that balance so your relationship with them is not ruined or hurt forever.

All in 24 Hours

2009-05-31T20:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning I would have never guessed that mine and my family's lives would change so much. He started off the day so well. Both my grandparents went to the fairgrounds to work. My grandma stayed for most of the day, while my grandpa went back to the house around 11. He started feeling dizzy, but didn't think anything of it. Over the last several months, he had a lot of problems with getting his medication right. He didn't think it was anything but a bad reaction. Around 1:30 pm he couldn't move the left side of his body. He tried calling my uncles and grandma, but he couldn't get ahold of anyone. At 1:45 he called me. Why it didn't occur to me that he needed to call 911, I don't know. He told me he didn't feel well, that he couldn't get ahold of anyone, and that he couldn't get off the couch. He didn't ask me to come out and help him, but I told him I was coming as soon as I could. At the time I had bread baking in the oven and couldn't leave it. I turned the oven up to make it cook faster and left as soon as I could, not realizing the severity of the situation.

I drove as fast as the cars in front of me would allow, hoping that a cop wouldn't show up. I was almost to the house when my uncle called and told me a helicopter was coming to air lift him to the hospital. I saw it flying towards the house. When I got to the driveway, there were so many cars there. My uncles had arrived about 15 minutes before I did. They found him on the floor where he had rolled off the couch and couldn't get up. Immediately they called 911. I am so thankful that they got there before me, because I wouldn't have known what to do. When he heard my voice, my grandfather wanted to see me. It hurt to look at him and watch as the EMT's worked to help him. I went over and let him know that I was there, and then I had to call me Mom and let her know what was going on. The helicopter flew off to Strong Memorial and we all left for the hospital.

We arrived at the Emergency room, not sure what to expect. We knew that he'd had a stroke, but that was all. For 5 hours we waited in the emergency room, waiting to find out some answers. Because there were no rooms available, and because of his state, my grandpa stayed in the trauma unit of the ER most of the night. The doctors heavily sedated him and put in a breathing tube because he couldn't breath on his own. In two's, we were allowed into the Trauma unit to see him. He couldn't talk to us but they said he could hear. I only went back once. It was so awful. He was helpless and I didn't know what to do or say to him. It felt weird talking to him and I wasn't sure I was allowed to touch him because of all the machines he was hooked up to. So I just stood there and watched him. After 5 hours of waiting to hear something and being told nothing, we all left the hospital hoping that he would get better through the night. We would find nothing more out until the neurologist came and looked at him.

My grandma didn't really sleep much last night, and mine was a restless sleep. I heard the phone ring early in the morning and was awake right away. The doctor had called and said we needed to get there as soon as possible. At 6 o'clock in the morning we headed for the hospital again. This time every family member that was in the area came. We waited again in the hospital for 3 hours, this time upstairs in the ICU, to hear what exactly was going on in full detail. Finally we were told. My grandpa had a blood vessel burst in his brain, which caused the stroke. Due to the fact that he had an extremely high level of kumodin (?) - blood thinner - in his system, the hemorrhage that had occurred was not able to clot and stop bleeding. The doctors had put a shunt in his brain the night before, and at first he had been reacting to it very well. He was alert and able to communicate somewhat with those around him. But sometime in the early morning, things had gone very wrong. The shunt stopped working and his brain became filled with blood cause pressure in his skull. He became brain dead and so they put him on life support. Now he could no longer hear us, feel us when we touched him, or know what was going on around him at all. We had a choice to make - go through with a surgery that would only have a 50-50 chance of working, or pull the plug. If we went through with the surgery, there would be a very high chance that he would stay paralyzed the rest of his life on his left side and he would need assisted living or a nursing home. Grandpa had clearly stated when his mother was going through the process of dying that he never wanted to be in a nursing home, he would rather be dead.

My grandpa was a very independent man. He was involved in many activities and couldn't sit still for very long. He liked being outside going places. For the next two hours, we debated if the chance that he would be ok was valid enough to try the surgery. Throughout this whole process I had been calling my Mom frequently giving her updates on what was going on since she and the family live in VT. family members kept going in to see him, but I couldn't. It was too hard to see him hooked up to everything and have that as my last memory of him. It was bad enough seeing him the day before the way he was.

The hemorrhaging got worse and his condition was failing fast. We had to make our decision. They gave us a conference room and we sat down with the doctor to sign the paperwork. We decided to take him off life support. It's what he wanted, and as hard as that was, it had to be done. The paperwork seemed to take forever. Everyone was trying hard not to break down and hold it together. The family said their goodbyes and the doctors asked them to leave. After they shut the machines off, it was only a matter of minutes. At 12:26 pm on May 31, 2009, my grandpa, Clarence Preston, died. I stayed in the conference room drawing and hoping that he would be able to live in Heaven. Just as I finished my drawing, my cousin came in and said he had died. I drew him a house with a picket fence, a garden, a tree with a tire swing, a mailbox, a dog house, and a dog. It may seem silly, but I hope that is what he has to live in if he's in Heaven.

Then came the hardest part of the whole experience. I had to call my Mom and tell her, her Dad was dead. She knew it was going to happen, but she didn't know when. I thought I would be able to hold it together for her, but I couldn't. As soon as I said he was gone, I broke into tears with my Mom. Together we cried on the phone because that was the only comfort we could give each other.

Everyone said their goodbyes to each other and headed for home. Everything felt so surreal as though I was in a dream and all I had to do was wake up and it would be ok. I couldn't handle staying with my grandma at the house, so I left as soon as we got back to the house. I know I should've been there with her and the family, but I just couldn't. I felt sick to my stomach and had the biggest migraine ever. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and go to sleep, which is what I did when I got to back to Brockport. It still feels like a dream somewhat. Like none of it really happened, but I know it did. My aching head and sleep deprived body won't let me forget it.

I wonder if he could have been saved if someone had got to him sooner. If I had told him to call 911 when he had called me. His death is very similar to his brothers. When my great grandpa Preston died a long time ago (I was only 3 I think), my grandpa's brother Larry died 4 months later of a brain aneurysm. My great grandma Preston died a little over 5 months ago. Now my grandpa is dead because a blood vessel burst in his brain causing a stroke. Their deaths are very similar, except Larry was found dead in his house.

Tomorrow we are going to the funeral home to make plans. My family will be here Thursday, and the funeral will be sometime after that. My sister Erica is in India and has no idea what is going on due to the fact that she is in a city right now where internet and phone service are unavailable.

How our lives change in just 24 hours.

Something I've Wanted to Tell You for a While

2009-05-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, but do you really have to make me feel like a failure and the worst person ever. I'm sorry I didn't get ahold of you the minute I walked in the door of my house. I figured if there was such an issue, you would have gotten ahold of me. You know my email and phone number just as well as I know yours. But why, why did you have to treat me like you did tonight? I called to talk and let you know everything was going well. Instead, you let me know how angry you are at me and you pass the phone off becuase you can't stand to hear my voice. You really hurt me tonight. I feel like I will never do anything that will make you happy.

You hate the fact that I'm not living at home or with my Grandparents. You haven't supported me in my decision to live on my own this summer, and when I call home I can hear you yelling in the background to the phone blaming the amount of debt I have on the fact that I'm renting a house for the summer. DO YOU REALZE THAT I WOULD BE IN DEBT REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I WENT TO SCHOOL IN VERMONT OR HERE?!?!?!?!?! AND MY LIVING IN BROCKPORT HAS N.O.T.H.I.N.G TO DO WITH MY DEBT!!!!!!!!!!! Just so you know, I didn't get any financial aid when I applied to schools around home either. So I would've had to take out loans there as well, and been in just as much or more debt. By the way, I love it here. Brockport feels like a home to me while your house no longer does.

I'll never be good enough or do the right things will I? Will you always say that I'm old enough to make my own decisions but then constantly let me know that I'm a disappointment because I didn't make the decision you would have liked? Every time you're angry at me, you wait a week or more so that you're boiling and then you let me know what it is I've done to deserve such wrath. Meanwhile I have no idea what you're thinking because you don't say when you're upset, so I figure everything's fine and dandy. You can be so great sometimes, but then other times you are so bipolar. I don't think you realize how much of an affect your words have on me. I'm sorry I'm such a failure as your daughter.

How Much of a Sap am I?

2009-05-17T22:50:00.000-04:00

I've never been to a graduation before. In high school I was mostly home schooled and so I got my GED instead of graduating (a decision I regret). When I was in high school I didn't have any true friends from my town (partly from my own fault). You just don't make those important connections as well with people in high school. I've heard countless stories of girls who had several best friends all throughout their high school, where they told each other everything and spent every moment they could together. But when they got to college, their ways split and the friendship that seemed to be so strong, completely broke apart. People grow up and change so much when in college. Friendships that are made usually stay true and strong even when you part ways at graduation.

Saturday was the first graduation I have ever witnessed. Sitting on the bleachers in the heat and blazing UV rays I watched most of the people I've made connections with over the last two years walk onto a stage and receive the 'diploma' they've worked so hard for (some more than others)the last four years of their lives. It was touching and moving, and at one point I wasn't sure I would be able to stop the tears that were threatening to come back. Call me a sap, but the love and pride I felt watching my friends walk across that stage really affected me.

There was a mixture of happiness and sadness. Happiness because they've finally reached the end (for many) of their educational career. And even if they don't know what they're going to do in life, I know they will affect each and every person they come in contact with whether they realize that themselves or not. Each one of those people has something special and important about them that no one else has. But sadness because they are leaving and going on with their lives. No longer will I be able to see them every day on campus or get together with them and have lunch in the dining hall. Some of the friendships I know will stay strong, and others I wish I had more time to strengthen the bond between us.

Then something hit me - I am going to be where they are in exactly one year. I will be the one sitting on the edge of my seat waiting in excitement and anticipation for the speakers to get on with their speeches so that I can have my two seconds of fame as I walk up that stage and receive what I have been working so hard at; the end of the tunnel. It's so close it's scary. I started thinking about who I would sit with, if I would have anyone to sit with, if people would clap for me as I walked up, would I have as much fun as it appears everyone else is having, would i be an emotional wreck. And all of this went through my head in like three seconds. The biggest question - would I even be able to find a job.

It was a wonderful ceremony, except the old lady who talked about the Soviet Union and the Arab nation. (Don't now what that had to do with the graduates. She didn't say what the connection was. lol!) The rain held off and the speeches were heartfelt and short. I had every intention of going to the reception afterwards and trying (I say trying because there were thousands of people there) to find all my friends and congratulate them. As I left the bleachers and started walking towards the Tuttle North gym, I couldn't do it. I was literally going to ball my eyes out if I said good-bye to the graduates I knew. My heart was overwhelmed with so many emotions and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so I turned and walked away from the gym as the tears ran down my face hoping that no one would notice. I mean, who cries at a graduation? Really. Apparently I do. Haha! And I'm ok with that as long as no one sees =D. Oh dear, what will I be like during MY graduation?

8 Things I Want in 8 Years

2009-05-07T19:21:00.000-04:00

(I stole this from Kerri =D)

1. For God to place me with Mr. Right (hopefully this will happen in less than 8 years)

2. To have most or all of my loans paid off (this is a dream big one, definitely)

3. To be working in a job that I absolutely love

4. Live in a house that always has children and youth in it

5. Have a front porch with a porch swing =D

6. To have traveled to Europe with someone special

7. To still have lunch and dinner dates with my girlfriends

8. For my parents to be completely out of debt and have the abillity to retire

Present Day Samson

2009-05-04T18:54:00.000-04:00

I have always looked at Samson as the victim. The one who was seduced by Delilah and tempted time and time again until he finally gave in. But ya know what? He wasn't a victim at all. In fact he was the antagoniser. He invited everything that happened to him.

Samson was a physically strong person. Afterall, it's not everyday you find a man that can kill a thousand men with just a donkey jaw bone. God provided Samson with his strength and there was only one requirement: he was to never cut his hair. Even though Samson was really strong physically, he was very weak when it came to women. "Now Samson went to Gaza and saw a harlot there, and went into her" (Judges 16:1). Women were his downfall, or struggle. He married a woman who was not Jewish, which wasn't Jewish tradition. He gave into his struggle because it was easier than fighting against it. Sin is fun in the moment, and it's easier to give into it than to go against it. To go against sin we have to rely on God's strength and not our own, and Samson wasn't relying on God. As a result, he told his precious secret to a woman who's virtue was less than admirable. He invited the pain and sorrow that came with giving away his secret. His sin caught up with him and dragged him far away from God.

We are just like Samson sometimes. There are struggles we have in our lives where we can choose to give into them or fight against them with God's strength. Friday night, Chad and Rob talked about us being Samson. There are things we hold onto and feel like we can't live without. They are addictions of strong desires that we don't give up to God. Eventually those same things we feel we can't live without will destroy us, just like it did Samson.

I have definitely had my Samson seasons. Times where I couldn't let go of something I thought I couldn't live without. Where I was relying on my own strength instead of God's. Some of those times, it almost destroyed me just as it did Samson.

"With Him are strength and sound wisdom..." Job 12:16a

"For You have girded me with strength for battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me." Pslam 18:39

"The Lord is their strength, and He is a saving defense to His annointed." Psalm 28:8

"You will pull me out of the net that they have secretly laid, for You are my strength." Psalm 31:4

"But the slavation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in time of trouble." Psalm 37:39

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." Psalm 105:4

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31

Ten Things I would Like to Say to Ten People

2009-04-25T10:02:00.000-04:00

1. I hope my husband doesn't say some of the things you say to her. Cause believe it or not, those words really do hurt.

2. I know I could've come to you, but I really wanted to know that you cared enough to come to me and see if I was really ok.

3. What was so wrong with me?!

4. You helped me so much, but then you hurt me even more.

5. It saddens me to see how much we've grown apart.

6. Would it hurt you to respect me just a little?

7. Your words hurt me for a long time. When I found out how your life went down the tubes, I was kind of glad.

8. Even though I showed the opposite, I was really excited when you proposed to me. And even though I said no, I really wanted to say yes.

9. Lately, you have really been pissing me off.

10. How could it be that you never wanted it but got it, and I've always wanted it and haven't? I am jealous of you sometimes.

Where's the Love?

2009-04-14T16:38:00.000-04:00

Two women walk into the room to survey the scene. One is young and petite while the other is older, taller, and a little plump. A table lies upside down on the floor with chairs tipped over and papers scattered. The young woman is the mother but the elder, which is the grandma, clearly has more authority in their household. The girl can't be more than 25 and the grandmother no more than 45. The child who created the mess sits in a chair a little ways off crying as he waits for them to come. The mother stands back and lets her mother take charge. Once the grandmother questions the boy, he looks around nervously as if not knowing what to say. At first the conversation between them is pleasant. No threats are made and all seems pleasant. Maybe this family is different than the other single mothers who live in the city. "Remember how I said I would embarass you in front of your friends if I was called to the school again?", she tells the boy, "Well it's a good thing they're not here cause you have it coming to you." Apparently not so different after all. My heart raced and feared for this child as I watched the situation turn. I could sense that once the child left the school he was most likely going to 'get it and get it good'. I wanted to cry for him and just hug him; let him know that there was someone who really cares about him. But I couldn't. Yes, his actions were inappropriate and deserved discipline of some kind. But the kind I had a feeling he was going to get, was not the good kind. As the grandmother walks down the hall with the child at her side and the mother tagging along behind, threats and harsh words are started to be spoken to him telling him of his fate. And yet the teacher wonders why he has no respect for adults. She can't figure out what could be going on inside his head that would make him burst out in rage and flip a heavy table over. My diagnosis - a lack of unconditional love.

Misinterpreted Too Much

2009-03-30T22:54:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

I just can't seem to move out of some patterns I have. This is not the first time my actions have appeared different from what I've meant them to be. God, thank you for the friends that can come and tell me afterwards that it looked a certain way. I'm not mad when they tell me, but I wish I could see it too. I don't mean it to seem that way. I thought I was treating them the same way as everyone else. I don't want to draw attention to that and scare that person away. But apparently it seems that again I have done so. I'm so disappointed in myself God, because I didn't see the reactions at the time. My intentions were good, but it didn't come across that way. Would it be so hard if I could just start a relationship with this type of person without messing it up first? Without going overboard? How come they all can see it but I can't? I don't want to be that kind of person, but it seems that no matter how hard I try I always end up coming across that way anyway. I don't know what to do God.

Me

Hypocrite?

2009-03-29T16:21:00.000-04:00

Going home over break, I was confronted by something. Apparently my brother thinks I am a hypocrite. But it wasn't him who told me, it was my Dad. For the last several months my brother has treated me with little to no respect whenever I have been around him or talked to him, and I have had no idea why. So my Dad tells me that my brother considers me a hypocrite because my opinion has changed about alcohol. Before I came to college I was very against drinking and alcohol for many reasons. I thought I was supposed to think that alcohol was bad and that if I didn't my parents would be mad at me, even though my Dad would drink a beer every now and then. And, even though it's a really bizarre reason, I thought that if you drank just a little you would become an alcoholic. Don't ask why I thought that, but I did. As I've grown up, though, I have learned about things and changed my mind about a lot of opinions. Now, I think it's perfectly fine to drink as long as you don't get drunk and you are of legal age. And I have had a couple drinks since I've turned 21. What got me the most was the question my Dad posed to me - "So were you a hypocrite then or a hypocrite now?" That hurt. Does he really view me as a hypocrite? Is it not possible for 'the talk' to change as long as 'the walk' does as well? It hurts even more that my Dad thinks of me this way than if my brother does. My brother is only 14 and thinks he is 'the man' and knows everything. One day he will realize my point of view...maybe. My Dad on the other hand... Anyway, that's what's on my mind.

Martha

2009-03-05T02:23:00.000-05:00

"And now as they were traveling along, He entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord's feet, listening to His word. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said 'Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Tell her to help me'. But the Lord answered and said to her, 'Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her'."
Luke 10:38-42

So many times, when I've heard this passage talked about, Martha is always looked at as the bad sister. The one whom Jesus tells she should worship at His feet instead of working in the kitchen. Martha has developed a bad reputation because of it. But I am going to propose a different side to her story. Instead of rebuking her for not being at His feet, Jesus is rebuking Martha for rebuking her sister and telling Him what to do. Martha's spiritual gifting is serving and Mary's is worship. I approached my life group with this question-Do you really think that God would ask anyone to leave their gifting behind and sit at His feet? The answer is yes and no. Yes because God wants us to spend time with Him and sit in His presence every day. And no because we live in the world still and to leave our gifting behind completely would not allow us to glorify God in the world and show His love to others. We won't be able to abandon the gifts He has given us completely and sit at His feet all the time until we're in Heaven.

I have also heard this passage interpreted as God saying that we should not serve; this kind of goes off of the previous interpretation. But guess what? That is completely FALSE. In Romans 12:4-8, we read about some of the gifts of the Spirit. Serving is listed as one of them. "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.
Colossians 3:23-24"

Serving comes as a Spiritual gifting by itself, but it is also a part of all the gifts of the Spirit. “As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. 1 Peter 4:10” Whether we realize it or not, serving is a part of everything we do. An evangelist serves by giving their time to talk to people, a hospitable person serves by giving their home to others, and an intercessor serves by giving their time in prayer for others. If we didn’t serve within our own gifts then the evangelist wouldn’t get anywhere, the hospitable person may tell people that they have to get whatever they want by themselves all the time and an intercessor wouldn’t really be one because serving comes with it all. Now serving is a gift in itself and encompasses all the ways one person can serve another.

In this world, though, we get caught up in thinking that everyone should be doing more of what our own gifting is. Not to pick on them at all but the evangelists say we need to evangelize more, the hospitality people say we need to open our houses more, and the intercessors say we need to intercede more for others. Going back to Romans 12:4-6, it says “For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, so we, who are many, are one in the body of Christ, and individually members of one another. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise, according to the proportion of his faith;”. If we all did the same thing, the kingdom of God would get nowhere and everything would be in total disarray. Martha got caught up thinking that her sister needed to serve more. She was distracted that morning, maybe because she hadn’t had her quiet time that morning or hadn’t sat in Jesus’ presence for a while. If we don’t do that, we become like Martha-distracted and unable to function in our gifts to the best of our ability. We start thinking the way the world does and complaining that no one is helping us whether verbally or internally.

Now here’s the big question- if Jesus was telling Martha to stop serving, did she? Let’s look in John 12:1-3 “Jesus, therefore, six days before the Passover, came to Bethany where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. So they made Him a supper there and MARTHA WAS SERVING; but Lazarus was one of those reclining at the table with Him. Mary then took a pound of very costly perfume of pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped His feet with her hair; and the house was filled with the fragrance of perfume”. Again we see Martha in the kitchen and Mary at Jesus’ feet. It must have been important to state that Martha was serving otherwise it would not be in the Bible. This time she does not become upset that her sister is not helping though. Perhaps she has learned and had her time to sit with Jesus before. Martha should not have the bad reputation that she does, because we are more like her than we realize; not all the time, but definitely sometimes. I am Martha; a servant who has off days every now and then.

Lessons from an 8 Year Old

2009-03-03T16:10:00.000-05:00

The second grade girls in the inner city school I observe in love to touch my hair. They always tell me how pretty they think it is. Today in particular, two girls were feeling my hair and earrings. Now this may seem weird, but it doesn't weird me out at all. One of the girls said to me, "Your hair is so pretty and soft and you're so beautiful". I was touched by her comment and told her thanks and that she is very beautiful as well. Another student commented on how my eyes were green. Then it occured to me 'These girls grow up in a society where soft, silky hair and light colored eyes are the good thing to have; that's what makes you beautiful. And these girls have neither'. Being in an inner city school, 80% of the children attending there are black . They all have dark eyes and hair that is reckless and unmanagable. They see me as beautiful, but I don't think they consider themselves beautiful. Some of you may be thinking that second graders don't think that way, and you may be right. But what about 5th and 6th graders? They do think that way. These girls are constantly told through the media or people they come in contact with everyday that white girls are more beautiful. Their hair is better and their eyes are prettier. As Kerri pointed out to me one day, there are no brown colored contacts sold. And even many black models fix their hair so that it is more like the 'perfect hair', if that even exists. I have heard of black girls going through tremendous hair treatments to get their hair to what society says is pretty. There are several boys in this class who will openly and unabashedly tell the girls that they are ugly. I always wonder why they do this, and I'm sure that it's not just the black boys that say these things. I know white boys who are just as mean. Am I saying that white girls are prettier? NOT AT ALL! These girls are so beautiful with their dark brown eyes and intricate braiding hairstyles. If I wore my hair the way some of the girls do I would look ridiculous, but these girls look beautiful that way. I never really realized the true impact light eyes and the perfect hair had on anyone. I had the knowledge of it, but it didn't really sink in til now.

How He Loves Us

2009-02-27T00:10:00.000-05:00

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane,
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and
I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves
He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

In Character

2009-02-20T01:55:00.000-05:00

Kerri and I are doing this book together, and this was one of the pages.

I identify with the following Bible character:
Martha

I identify with that character because:
I am a server as well, and I have been scolded in the past for serving instead of doing other
things.

If I had the opportunity to invite any Bible character(s) other than Jesus for lunch, I would invite:
Mary (Jesus' mother), Mary Magdalene, Ruth, Esther, Lazarus, John, James, Pontius Pilate,
the thief who went to heaven with Jesus, Barabas, the guard at the crucifiction who said "He
truly is the Son of God"

I would serve:
All kinds of fruit, bread, and mac & cheese

I hope we would talk about:
Anything and everything under the sun

My favorite Bible character sends me emails as a way of passing on his or her life experience to me personally. Today the message was:
Whatever it is that God asks or tells you to do, do it willingly and without question regardless
of what the outcome is for yourself.

Recognition...It's a Wonderful Thing

2009-02-19T22:51:00.000-05:00

Sunday, for the first time, I had a prophetic word spoken over me during church. First I will write down what was said, and then I will give my thoughts on it.

"The Lord just kinda showed me a few things, umm..., He just showed me that you have a lot of love for people. Like there's just a lot there. There's times when it's really overwhelming, like all the sudden it just comes up and it's just, you just have this, you just want to cry for people and you just don't know where it's coming from. Like, what is this? ummm...and there's a couple points of confusion there that the Lord just really wants to address for you today. He just really wants to resolve it in your heart that first of all it's something that's really from Him. It's something that He has a real purpose for and there's a direction that He's going to take you uhh in with that. And, and it's all for a purpose so it's good, it's really good. And, and, but there's sometimes where there's confusion that comes up because you feel this overwhelming love for people. And, and uhh I don't know if it's a particular people, group or whatever but you don't neccesarily feel it from other people, sometimes. And uhhh you almost feel like you, you have this really heavy bag on one shoulder, and you're kind of off kilter like, like you have this overwhelming love for people and you just don't know how to express it, what to do with it. But then you don't neccesarily feel it from other people sometimes, and the Lord just want to break that in you right now. Lord Jesus I just ask for a release, in Jesus name, in her mind and in her emotions. Lord Jesus that You would just break even that spirit of confusion that, that would try to uhh that would try to speak lies into her mind and, and would try to tell her that she's not loved. In Jesus' name I proclaim you loved by your brothers and sisters in the Lord and I just speak a release to that area where she just can't find that breakthrough. The feelings might not be there, but you're loved in Jesus name. And Father I just ask for Your love to just pour over her Lord God, a new relationship of love between You and her where she would find all of her needs met in Jesus name."

I don't think I can express how long I have been waiting and wanting for a word from God. Since I was around 13 or 14, I have wanted a prophetic word from God in the worst way. To know that He sees me and loves me. There have been times in my life where I have prayed for this and times where I have given up hoping for it to happen. On Sunday, I was not expecting anything. In fact I was having a hard time really getting into worship. I don't know why, but for some reason I was having a hard time focusing. So near the end of worship a guy who is known to have the gift of prophecy comes toward me. Now usually when I see someone who has this gift I hope that they are coming for me. But when I saw this guy, it just did not occur to me that that was what he was coming to do. Even when he started speaking this word to me it didn't really sink in. Now I just want to say that this guy did not previously know about certain things he said about me. Specifically the part about me not feeling love from other people. It's not really something I just go around telling people. Only a couple people really know this about me. Well, now more know about it. lol!

Ok, so the first part. "...you have a lot of love for people. Like there's just a lot there. There's times when it's really overwhelming, like all the sudden it just comes up and it's just, you just have this, you just want to cry for people and you just don't know where it's coming from. Like, what is this? " When I was younger I used to cry all the time, and 90% of the time I had no idea why I was crying. Unfortunately, through many things, it was impressed upon me that I needed to have a reason to cry otherwise I shouldn't. So I learned to hide this and keep it at bay, or I would find a reason to cry and use that. I'm not blaming the people who implied this, it's just that in my mind that is what I got from it. Over the years, though, that feeling has come up off and on, especially while I'm at school for some reason. Now I have an explanation for it. "He just really wants to resolve it in your heart that first of all it's something that's really from Him. It's something that He has a real purpose for and there's a direction that He's going to take you uhh in with that. And, and it's all for a purpose so it's good, it's really good. " Another thing, I HAVE A PURPOSE!!!! I know this seems silly becasue everyone has a prupose, but sometimes I really feel like I'm not living out that purpose. That instead I'm just some lump on the globe that is waiting til the end. My calling is another thing that I have really wanted to know about. I don't have it yet, but I feel like I'm one step closer to finding out.

Second part. "...but there's sometimes where there's confusion that comes up because you feel this overwhelming love for people. And, and uhh I don't know if it's a particular people, group or whatever but you don't neccesarily feel it from other people, sometimes. And uhhh you almost feel like you, you have this really heavy bag on one shoulder, and you're kind of off kilter like, like you have this overwhelming love for people and you just don't know how to express it, what to do with it. But then you don't neccesarily feel it from other people sometimes, and the Lord just want to break that in you right now. " So this, this is true. I know that I am loved by others, but there's a difference between knowing and really feeling that love. For some reason I am a feeling person. I want to 'feel' love from, not only other people, but from God. Here's the problem, God is not a feeling and I know that, but it's hard for me to accept (?) the knowledge that He loves me when I don't feel that love. The same goes for people. I have a hard time believing someone when they say "I love you" if I don't 'feel' that love. I'm not sure I'm explaning this in a way that you are going to understand. And I'm not saying that when I do something for someone out of love I expect something in return. The reason I do things out of love is to simply just do that, with no return or recognition of what I did at all. Ahhhhh! I feel like this could come off really wrong! Anyway, what was said is true...end of story.

Now at one point while this guy was talking and praying for me, I was absolutely positive that he said a particular something. But when I went back and listened to what was actually said, it wasn't there. Here's what I know I heard but is not on the CD - "Even though you don't 'feel' God's love, He does love you and He wants you to know that". Now when I was listening to the CD and didn't hear this, I wondered for a moment if I really did hear it. But ya know what? Even though that wasn't part of what was recorded, I know it was said. In my spirit I know it because the word 'feel' was used; a word that means a lot to me. Going back to a previous paragraph, I have wanted for a long time to be told through prophecy that God loves me. Just to hear from Him makes all the difference, and that is why I can't just shrug it off and say I was hearing things because it's true one way or the other. God does love me even though I don't 'feel' it, He really does and that just brings me so much joy. There are so many other things I could say about this prophetic word, but I don't have the words to express it and give it the credit it deserves. All I can do is say Mmmmmmmmmmmm <3

At the Cross

2009-02-17T10:45:00.000-05:00

Oh Lord You've searched me

You know my way

Even when I fail You

I know You love me

Your holy presence

Surrounding me

In every season

I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee

Where Your blood was shed for me

There's no greater love than this

You have overcome the grave

Your glory fills the highest place

What can separate me now?

You go before me

You shield my way

Your hand upholds me

I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place

What can separate me now?

And when the earth fades

Falls from my eyes

And You stand before me

I know You love me

You tore the veil

You made a way

When You said that it is done

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

A Solider Huh?

2009-02-11T21:25:00.000-05:00

"Teaching is like a solider on the front lines in a battle." This is what my SBTE told me the other day. I'm not really sure I agree with her though. I do agree that teaching is hard, but a solider in battle? There are things a solider goes through on the battle field that no one else can even imagine unless they've been there themselves. Who's to say that a teacher has a harder job than a farmer? Every job has it's difficulties and each difficulty is different than the next.

First Day of Observations

2009-02-04T15:01:00.001-05:00

First off, I just need to say that I absolutely hate driving in Rochester and I don't think I could ever live there. I'm sure that if I did live there, after a while, I would be able to navigate without getting hopelessly lost, unlike yesterday. Yesterday was my first day observing in an inner city school. Actually, it was my first time experiencing the inner city by myself ever. I had started out driving to my destination at 9:30. Now normally it would only take about 30-40 minutes to reach where I was going. I didn't arrive until 11:00. First I missed the inner loop sign, so I had to turn around and try to find it again. Then it took me almost an hour to actually find the school that I needed to be at. Finding the street wasn't the hard part, I found that pretty easily, it was trying to figure out how to get to the school itself. See, for some ridiculous reason there are gates around the possible entrances to the school. They only open twice during the day, when the buses come to drop kids off and pick them up. So I could see the school, but I couldn't get to it. So I drove around and around the surrounding streets trying to find a way to the school. Eventually, I don't know how, I found the one place to drive up to the school.

Since I have never been to an inner city school, I didn't realize that the doors are always locked. So you can imagine my frustration when I went to open the doors and they wouldn't budge. Thankfully I found the button on the side of the wall that you had to push in order for the office to let you in.

I was already completely overwhelmed and frustrated with being lost for what seemed like forever and not knowing what to do, when I now have to find the room where I am to observe. The school isn't terribly big and I figured someone form the office would take me to the classroom I was supposed to be in like I had heard other secretaries do for other observers in other schools. Not so for me. I was given a harsh response and directions to where the classroom was. The only problem was, the lady who gave me directions got the last part of it wrong. I ended up going down the wrong hallway and just ended up figuring out which direction I needed to be going based solely on the fact that I had the room number.

One thing that I was worried about with my placement is that I would be the only white girl. This doen't mean I'm racist, it just means that I know some black people are sensetive to having white people around and I don't want to accidentally say or do something that would be offensive. There are a couple white teachers in the school, but I only saw one white child and she wasn't in my grade. I really wonder what my Student Based Teacher Educator (SBTE) thought of me. Here I was a white girl who really didn't know what I was supposed to be doing in a class full of inner city kids. Let me tell you, inner city schools are soooooo different from schools like Brockport and Woodstock. There is hardly any love given to these children. They are constantly snapped at and yelled at all day because the don't listen if you talk to them nicely. The threat "do I need to call your Father or Mother" was used so may times to inflict fear into the kids so they would do what they were supposed to. Sometimes even that wouldn't work, the child would simply sit quietly and rebel instead.

One girl opened my eyes to the kind of life that they live. The teacher was teahcing the kids about words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and the kids had to write sentences for each pair. One of the words was tie, like the one a guy wears. This little girl, who's in 2nd grade, turns to me and says, as nonchalantly as you can get, "My Daddy was wearing a tie when he was shot. I think he was 31 or 29 when he was shot, but he was wearing a tie". The most important thing to her in that story was the fact that her Dad was wearing a tie, the fact that he was shot was inconsequential. I looked at her not knowing what to say. What was I supposed to say? "What color was it" just didn't seem appropriate.

Another thing that totally blew my mind was the fact that some of the children went most of the day with doing absolutely no schoolwork. They refused to do it and the teacher didn't even ask them to. It was like it was a silent known fact that some kids aren't 'smart enough' to do it. How else are they supposed to learn if you don't sit down and help them? Now I know that it is really hard to help all the kids in one class, but just because it's hard doesn't mean you can ignore it completely. I can't be too critical of this, though, because I've only been there one day. There may be other issues with those specific children that I don't know about, and I don't want to put the teacher down either. This is her first year teaching this age level, but she has been teaching for 16 years. I don't know.

At the end of the day, the teacher and I had a couple minutes to talk before she had to run to a meeting. She pointedly told me that I shouldn't laugh with the children. For those of you that know me, you can understand how unlike me that is and how hard it will be for me to try. But her reasoning behind this was that I need to be the authority and if I laugh with them, then they no longer think of me as the authority. I've never had this problem with other children before. In fact I have found that many children like it when adults laugh with them, it's a way to bond and have fun. Smiling is the only thing these teachers do to show these children they are having fun. And even then, I only saw maybe one or two teachers smile at their students. As I walked down the halls with the children, I would smile at those we passed. Some of the children would return the smile, but the teachers didn't. They walked down the halls with scowls on their faces making sure their children stayed in line and did what they were told when they were told. How horrible, in my mind, to go around scowling all the time to let children know that you are the authority. Can't you be the authority and still smile and have fun with the children? I have so much more that I could say about yesterday, but I think this post is long enough.

Super Bowl Commercials

2009-02-03T08:56:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a while, so I figured I prolly should. Last night in my Young Adult Lit class we watched a rather...odd, to say the least, commercial that NBC rejected to put on the air. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/27/petas-veggie-sex-super-bo_n_161180.html

We were trying to figure out what the difference was between this commercial and some of the other commercials that were aired during the game. If the reason they didn't accept it was because they didn't want children to see it, then there are some others that they shouldn't have shown. All the Super Bowl commercials can be seen at: http://superbowlads.fanhouse.com/

The Call by Regina Spektor

2009-01-22T23:22:00.000-05:00

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

Doubt

2009-01-13T09:26:00.000-05:00

Doubt can be as small as a pebble or a grain of sand, but it can take down the strongest faith. Faith is like a horse. Now I know it isn’t literally like a horse, but metaphorically speaking it can be. For this particular symbolism, let’s say it’s one of those huge Clydesdale work horses. They are incredibly big and strong, but they weren’t always like that. They, like faith, started out young once. Vulnerable and susceptible to many things like disease and injury. Faith starts out much the same way, small and easily destroyed unless taken care of. As the farmer cares for the foal and makes sure it has enough hay and water, so we have to take care of our faith. We need to feed and water it with the Bible, to strengthen it. As the foal grows from a foal to a pony and from a pony to a horse, it needs exercise. Otherwise the animal will become fat and useless. Our faith also needs to be exercised to build up its muscle and strength. We go through trials as our faith exercise.

When that Clydesdale is a foal, and a pebble gets into its hoof, it is hard for that foal to recover. In some cases the foal may be crippled for life because the pebble cause it to stumble and get hurt. When a person’s faith is young and vulnerable, doubt can do the same thing. That faith will come apart easily, for it is not strong enough to hold up against the doubt. When the Clydesdale is bigger, it is harder for the pebble to bring the animal done because the animal has some strength to hold up against the pain and more balance to keep itself from falling. As a full grown horse, the Clydesdale is able to keep going even more so when there is a pebble in its hoof making it hard to walk. So faith that is strong holds up against doubt. But here’s the thing, whether big and strong or small and weak, if let to sit in the horses hoof, a pebble will cripple or kill both. Infection will come and start to destroy the foot. Eventually the animal won’t be able to walk at all until the pebble is removed. Even a faith so strong to move a mountain can be crippled by doubt because instead of removing the doubt and sending it packing, that person allows doubt to follow them around and whisper constantly in their ear. Persistence gets us places, isn't that what we say? The same goes for doubt. If it constantly persists in telling you the 'what ifs', eventually you will start to listen and wonder yourself about the 'what ifs'.

With removal comes pain and building back up of strength. The infection has to be drained and the hoof has to heal. The animal needs special caring for to restore it back to health. So does a crippled faith. A horse will eventually die because it is mortal, but faith is different. If you let doubt sit on that mountain and tell you constantly that you can’t move it, it can kill your faith just as the infection from a pebble can kill the Clydesdale. But faith can be built back up even if it dies. God has the power to bring it back to life, but you will start from the beginning just as a person crippled in a car accident has to start from the beginning with physical therapy.

Potholes

2009-01-03T16:14:00.000-05:00

Around and around,
I feel like I’m going,
Over the same road
In a circle.
Not progressing,
But falling back
Into the same potholes.
Each time I go around,
The pothole gets bigger.
First it was small,
Barely a crack in the road.
I tripped only slightly,
But kept going.
The second time,
It was a little bigger,
But I didn’t notice.
Again, I slightly tripped,
But kept moving.
The third, fourth, fifth, sixth times
I didn’t notice the change of the pothole.
It got bigger,
Each time I tripped.
The next time I would walk over it,
It would be a hole,
Where my feet have tread away the dirt
From countless years of tripping over it.
Yet again, I feel as though I’ve tripped
Over the pothole.
But now it’s not so small.
I didn’t realize how big it had gotten,
Until now.
It has gotten so big,
That this time, I have fallen very hard,
And I am unable to get up.
I’m stuck in this pothole,
And I don’t know what to do.
Someone needs to rescue me.
To pull me out and brush me off.
But I’m afraid to get out.
What if I fall into it again?
Next time, if it happens,
I’m not sure I will want out.
It is easier to lay there injured,
Than to go through the pain,
Of healing the broken bones.

And next time,

It will be more painful.

Let it all Wash Away

2008-12-28T15:24:00.000-05:00

Something that occured to me last night was the importance of taking a shower. Now I know you're saying ' Duh, you use a shower to get clean that way you don't smell'. But I see a shower as having a bigger importance than just getting your body clean. Not only does it wash away the physicla dirt, but it also washes away the metaphorical dirt that clogs your spirit every day. The hurt feelings, the frustration about a certain issue, the place where you can think and no one is going to bother you. The shower is a sanctuary in a sense. A private place where you can be vulnerable with God and yourself. You can cry and let all the tension out. The shower head pounds out warm water that just washes it all away. You get out feeling clean, inside and out, and ready to face whatever is ahead of you. So go ahead and take as long as you want in the shower. It is refreshing in more ways than one if you let it be.

Christmas

2008-12-20T10:39:00.000-05:00

It's funny, but it doesn't feel like Christmas to me unless there are decorations up. At my house we usually don't get the tree decorated until a couple days before Christmas. One year I think we decorated the tree Christmas Eve. This year is no different. We have the tree sitting in our dining room, undecorated and still in the wrapping we bought it in. It's hard to coordinate 8 schedules so that everyone can help decorate the tree. Why is it that the decorations make it seem more like a holiday? I have no idea. At school I have had my Christmas decorations up for a long time, and it felt like Christmas. Thank goodness Christmas isn't dependent upon decorations and a feeling, but celebrating Jesus' birthday. Interestingly enough though, Jesus wasn't born in December. He was born sometime in March. Christmas was established by the Roman Catholic Church to counteract the Winter Solstice (a holiday that deals in evil). Just an interesting fact. Merry Christmas everyone!

Vows

2008-12-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

It's such an easy thing to do - make vows. They're usually said in the moment, when you're not thinking too clearly. They're things you don't even remember saying, but affect you for the rest of your life unless repented for. Never is such a strong word. It can be argued that it causes the most harm to a person. 'I will never be like my mother or father' is one that is often said. And yet, the one thing that we vow we will never be, we always end up being. It's funny how vows work that way. Not funny as in hahaha, but ironic funny. I didn't think I had an vows in my life when I first heard of them. I figured a vow would be something you would remember. In reality, I had made many. God has revealed them to me and I have repented of them. Repetance is only the beginning though. I vowed I wouldn't share my heart with my parents, among other things, when I was a child. Once I repented for it I figured everything was good. Nope. This past week I've had to be open with my parents about my heart. Becasue I had made it a habit to hide my heart, it was very hard to be honest with them about what has happened. Not only had I been hurting myself by hiding things from them, but I was hurting my Mom. It crushed her that I didn't feel like I could talk to her about what goes on in my heart. I saw the tough exterior my Mom puts up melt away and the realness of her hurt come through. I always thought that my Mom didn't want to talk about the things that go on in my heart, but I was wrong. She really does care and she wants to be there to help me. So the moral of the story - think twice before using 'never'. You may be making vows without realizing it.

Person

2008-12-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

Every time I see you
My heart just beats harder.
I'm fine if I don't see you,
If I don't talk to you.
Seeing you,
Is really hard.
When I look at your face,
I can see how your feeling.
I can't seem to let you go.
Why?

The Wall

2008-12-10T15:47:00.000-05:00

Moving forward,

Going strong,
Changing for the better.

Stepping out side the wall
And letting my guard down.

Slowly but surely

Letting the emotions come.

Hurt, sadness, brokeness.

I thought it was going well,

But for some reason it's stopped.

There's something in front of me.

I can't see it,

But I know it's there.

Can I go around it,

Over it,

Break through it?

Yes, but I don't know how.

The emotion has stopped.

I feel like a rock,

Hard and emotionless.

Stuck in front of,

This wall.

Denying, Crying, and Vulnerability

2008-12-01T10:07:00.000-05:00

Denying doesn't get you anywhere or solve the problem. I've noticed that I use denial as a defense mechanism when there are situations that I don't want to deal with. Situations that involve the heart. Whether it has to do with a relationship, a trial, or news that's hard hear; anything that might hurt my heart. I figure that if I deny and place the blame on someone else, the problem will just disappear. Not so, at all. Instead I just end up hurting myself even more. The hurt just keeps building up until it eventually is too big of a burden that I can't hold it anymore. I didn't realize until recently that I do this. I block out the feelings of hurt and my heart becomes hard. My attitude, and daresay my words, become harsh. It's a subconscious habit that hasn't been dealt with. Not any more. I can hurt without wallowing in self pity, which is how I've seen hurt dealt with my whole life. It will be hard, but I can do it with God by my side. So I'm starting now, and letting you know that I still hurt.

Sometimes I feel like it's silly that I still hurt. I should be tough right? and be able to push through this easily? Crying about it is silly and weak, right? Nope. It's interesting what ideas you pick up in your childhood based on what happens or things/actions that people say/do. Even though it's not outrightly said, I still got that message - suck it up, crying is for babies, I've hurt more than you so you shouldn't feel that bad. One thing that was told to me a lot was 'Stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about'. After awhile it becomes easier to deny the feelings that you have and hide it from everyone. Act like it's ok and no one, not even yourself, will know. If you show that 'weakness' it makes you vulnerable, and you can be hurt so much more when you're vulnerable than when the defenses are up.

It's true that I share quite a bit of stuff with people. I'm open, it seems, about everything. But in reality, I'm actually closed off to people. I don't let people into my heart because I run the risk of getting it stomped on. Unless I know how the person will respond to what I have to say about what's on my heart, I won't say anything. Sometimes I will not voice my heart because I know how someone will respond. Yeah, I'll share lessons I've learned throughout my life and things that have happened, but very rarely do I share the depths of my heart. It saddened me almost to realize this. I've always been told that I'm an outgoing person and that I share everything with people. In truth, I share only what know cannot be shot back at me to hurt me, because there have been times where I have shared something from my heart and it has been shot back at me and it has hurt. So what do I learn from this - this issue goes so deep that only God can fix it. Already He's started to work in me; I'm telling you about this issue. It will be a long process, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

Romance?

2008-12-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

God is power, authority, ever present help in need, etc. But the one part of God that I can't seem to understand and maybe accept fully, is God the lover. It seems weird that God can romance us. Over the last couple days, or weeks, I've been contemplating how God could romance me. I've asked for it, but I can't tell whether He really is or not. The other day it hit me, maybe I won't be able to tell when God is romancing me until there is a man here on Earth who will show me what romancing is. All of the girls I know that have experienced God romancing them have had or are in a relationship with a guy. In some way they have been romanced by a physical male. I understand that God doesn't romance us the way a human would; He has His own way of romancing each of us, I just can't see what it is yet. He will romance me differently than when He romances my friends or sisters because each of our hearts are different. It just seems interesting that I haven't met someone yet who hasn't been in any relationship with a guy that is romanced by God. I don't know. Maybe I just need to open my eyes and see the things that make me happy is how God romances me. But I want so much more than just being 'happy'. I want to know without a doubt when God romances me that it is from Him specifically for me. I want it to be special, something secret between me and Him that no one else will be able to pick up on. All I need to do is keep asking Him to show me, because one day I will be able to tell when God is showing me a secret.

I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real

2008-11-22T16:01:00.000-05:00

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune,
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess
I'm not alright,
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through,
It leads me to you, leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.
Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside.
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you
I'm not alright,
That's why I need you.

School?

2008-11-13T20:21:00.001-05:00

What is the point of taking classes that have absolutely nothing to do with what you want to do in life? I don't get it. We go to school to get an education so that we may go out into the world and get a job using the knowledge that we were supposed to learn while in school. We spend 6 years of our lives repeating the same material in elementary school. True, it becomes more in depth as you get older, but we are still repeating the same history, the same english, the same science, etc. Then comes high school. Why do you need to learn physics and calculus if you're not going to be and engineer or a scientist? Kids get away with so much during high school. Bad studying habits are formed and most kids can 'fake' papers and quizzes. For goodness sake's, kids are allowed open book tests. How do you fail an open book test?! Next comes college. You spend the first two years repeating everything you learned in high school. You know, all though gen. eds. It's usually not until you reach your junior year in college that you are able to take your major classes. I repeat - what is the point? People 100 years ago were able to function perfectly fine without going to college. Why is it so important to have that educational background? Most college students don't even know what they want to do with their lives. I'm not saying that's bad, it's just that we spend thousand and thousands of dollars on college to then change our minds and not even use the degree that we just got. Or we want to use the degree that we just got, and are unable to find a job in that area because companies like to hire people who know a lot about what they're doing. Most college students haven't had very much experience in the career that they want. Instead of having us sit in a class for hours on end, why not teach us how with hands on experience how to work in the career that we want? We would stay awake in class a lot easier, for sure. Anyway, just thought I would ramble on and on about how frustrating school is.

The True Prince

2008-11-11T22:38:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. When she was young, her parents placed her in a tower to await the day when her prince would come and rescue her. In order to determine if the prince was a true prince, her parents put a terrifying beast in front of the tower. The beast guarded the tower day and night, scaring away all the princes and knights that came to rescue the princess. None were strong enough or brave enough to take on the beast. Many came and many failed. Some turned and ran as soon as they saw they would have to fight for the princess. The years went by and the princess became discouraged. When would her true prince come? Far away, the fiercest of knights heard of the princess in the tower. He was known for being the best jouster for miles around. He took his horse and his squire and set off for the princess’s tower. Throughout his journey, the knight faced many obstacles. Each time, his squire was there to help him through each trial. After many days and nights the knight and squire reached the forest near the princess’s tower. Seeing the beast, the knight became afraid. Fearing for his life, he sent his squire ahead to watch the beast and see if it had any weaknesses. The squire went, for he was just as intrigued by the princess as the knight. A whole day and night the squire watched the beast. He discovered the beast had a weak spot. Having found this out, the squire returned to the knight with this news. Hearing how difficult it would be to kill the beast, the knight made a plan to destroy the animal a different way. Thinking he had a great way to get around the danger of being killed, the knight set out the next morning. Upon meeting the beast, the knight tried his “brilliant” plan and was quickly knocked down. The squire ran to the rescue of his master. Grabbing the sword the beast had flung aside, the squire ran to finish the battle. Realizing he had a new opponent, the beast left the knight and came towards the squire. The battle began again. The beast tried tactic after tactic to inflict fear into the squire so he would give up, but the squire would not back down. He came at the beast time after time trying to get the weak spot on the beast’s inner thigh. The battle raged, and the princess began to fear that the squire would fail as all the others had. With strength and courage the squire kept coming at the beast waiting for the right moment when he could deliver the fatal blow. Finally that moment came. With a yell the squire ran right into the beast and drove his sword into it’s inner thigh. With a wail the beast went down. At last, the princess was free. The knight, who had run for cover, came out and took the sword from his squire waving it around victoriously. But the princess was not fooled. She had seen the battle and knew her true prince was the squire. She dismissed the knight and brought the squire to her parents. Humbly the squire came before the King and Queen, and asked for the hand of their daughter. The King and Queen were astonished that a lowly squire had defeated the beast, so they asked their daughter what she wanted to do. The princess replied, “He may not look like a prince, but his heart is 10 times greater than any prince or knight that has ever come so far. He is my true prince.” The two were married and lived happily ever after.

Plans

2008-11-11T18:43:00.000-05:00

I love how God changes our plans for the better. Today is a good example of that. I was supossed to have lunch with one friend, but she forgot about our lunch date. Instead another one of my friends, who really needed to talk to someone, and I had lunch together and just talked about what was on her heart. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has a certain thought process, or I'm the only one that's been through a certain situation. But I'm reminded that I'm not the only one every time God uses me to help a friend who is going through that same thing that I already have, or who is following the same thought process that I have had. It is so rewarding to be able to help someone for God's glory.

"Second Chances" by Veggie Tales

2008-11-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

You see God's a god of mercy, and God's a god of love.
And right now, He's gonna lend a helping hand from up above!
Praise the Lord!
He's the God of second chances!
You'll be floored how His love your life enhances!
You can be restored from your darkest circumstances!
Our God is a God of second chances!

Trials

2008-10-28T09:13:00.000-04:00

God never gives us more than we can handle. But He sure does push it to the limit.

Lies

2008-10-25T11:15:00.000-04:00

For years I’ve listened,
To the lies of Satan.
I’m fat.
I’m worthless.
I’ll never lose weight.
I will always be alone.
I’m a bother to others.
My sins are unforgivable.
No one will ever want me.
I’m not pretty and never will be.
I’m a doubter and always will be.
People don’t really want to hear about me.
I am ugly and look like a boy with short hair.
I won’t ever hear God talking to me/ guiding me.
God doesn’t care/ He doesn’t love me, how could He?
I have to accomplish things myself, because God will never do it.
But no more, I don’t want to believe the lies any longer.
God take these lies, and turn them around.
It’s time to start the healing.
You do guide me otherwise I wouldn’t be where I am in life.
I don’t need to take control, because You are in control.
People do want to hear about me and how I’m doing.
There is someone out there who will want me.
I won’t ever be alone, because You are here.
Who cares how short or long your hair is.
My sins are forgiven, and forgotten.
I can lose the weight.
I am pretty as I am.
I’m not a bother.
I’m worthy.
God, help me
To never believe the lies again.

Express Yourself

2008-10-23T19:04:00.000-04:00

Here is an awesome site. It lets you 'paint' your own abstract picture. Try it out.
http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

My Fears

2008-10-22T01:55:00.000-04:00

The Dark
The woods
Getting lost
Growing up
Crabs, sharks
Horror movies
Being rebellious
Being vulnerable
Having short hair
Being in a relationship
Ferocious wild animals
Messing my children up
Living in VT my whole life
That I will give up on God
My faith isn’t strong enough
Dying before I’ve been kissed
Being a doubter my whole life
Giving up Christianity for a guy
Being in debt the rest of my life
God not coming through for me
Spending the rest of my life alone
Failing in my relationship with God
Being eaten by a bear, lion, tiger, etc
Not knowing what is going to happen
That I won’t make a difference in the world
Never being free of the things I struggle with
That I won’t be able to travel and see the world
Not being loved by a guy/ never meeting Mr. Right
Becoming obese/ being unable to control my weight
The ocean and any body of water that I can’t see the bottom
Not being able to hold myself back physically in a relationship

Forbidden is More Alluring

2008-10-20T22:31:00.000-04:00

What do you do with a forbidden love?
It looks so appealing and delicious.
Leaving it behind, would be leaving an opportunity.
What if no one else wants me?
He’s here now, and he’s willing to love me.
He’s so sweet and kind, and he makes me feel pretty.
Does this really have to be this way?
A forbidden love is so tempting.
He’s not a Christian, but he picked me.
Am I really willing to compromise my beliefs?
Yes, no, maybe, I don’t know.
I’m tired of waiting for the ‘right one’.
How much longer will it be?
I really want to take matters into my own hands,
But I know that would be wrong.
Am I the only one that feels like this?
Forbidden seems so much more alluring.
Be strong, hold fast, and the truth will set you free.

Love

2008-10-20T08:37:00.000-04:00

It’s something I know in my head,
But my heart refuses to believe.
How could you love me,
After the countless times
I’ve rejected You, and left You behind
As I went and did my own thing?
I don’t understand, this love
You have for me.
My mind is unable to comprehend
A love that never ceases,
No matter what I do.
I don’t ‘feel’ it.
There must be something wrong with me.
Others are always telling me
Of the love You have for them.
‘Let Him love on you’.
That’s what they say,
But I don’t understand how to do that.
How can I let You love on me,
When I don’t love myself?

My Testimony

2008-10-18T20:48:00.000-04:00

My parents became Christians when I was around 2, so I grew up in a Christian home. But I did not become a Christian until I was older. I don’t remember saying “the prayer” when I was younger, but I always told people I had. Unfortunately my life did not follow a Christian walk. I didn’t really understand what being a Christian meant. I thought that if I said I knew God and believed that He existed then I would go to heaven. Between the ages of 6 and 12 I developed really hurtful habits because I was being verbally hurt by others. I was physically and verbally abusing my younger siblings, I was blackmailing my sister into pretending to perform sexual acts with me, and I was a liar. On top of that, the thoughts that I had were all but Christian like. All of this I kept hidden from my parents. I made my siblings fear me so they wouldn’t tell our parents. To this day, I don’t think my parents know the extent of my abusiveness to them. At the end of summer in 2000, I was 12 at the time, a guest preacher at a camp I was attending challenged the campers with a question – “Can you honestly look at yourself and say you are a Christian”. My automatic thought was “yes”. After all, I did believe there was a God and I had thought up until that point that what I had been previously been doing was ok. God didn’t think so. A spirit of conviction came over me and I really started to question whether or not I was really a Christian. After several weeks, I decided I wasn’t and didn’t want to be. My parents were disappointed, but they supported my decision. I took the opportunity to enjoy being mean to my siblings, and so I increased the abuse quite a bit, but not enough that my parents would find out. It felt like my world was out of control and I had no way of stopping it. A huge hole developed in my life, and hard as I tried I couldn’t get it to go away on my own. I realized that when I had said I was a Christian, my world had felt under control. I didn’t take long for me to realize that I needed to truly become a Christian. So I did, for “fire insurance” (passage to heaven) more than anything. And I knew it would make my parents happy, but I had no real intention of really changing my pattern of behavior. God had other plans. I started being convicted of the different bad habits I had. Slowly God started changing me. I stopped the previous bad habits against my siblings, but I still struggled with a lot of stuff. There were a lot of barriers I had put up throughout my life so I wouldn’t get hurt and so my parents wouldn’t find out who I really was. I was wearing a mask. When I was 17, I broke away from my family and attended a different church. It was there that I decided I wanted a relationship with God and not just “fire insurance”. I committed my life to God, to have a relationship with Him, and to try as hard as I could to live my life in a way that would please and glorify Him.

Remember that Bad Days are for Our Good

2008-10-17T13:11:00.000-04:00

"God is looking for living sacrifices.He's still in charge when we find ourselves in miserable situations - suffering, tempted, or worse. He will keep us there as long as He sees fit because unless we truly learn to submit our hearts and minds to God's will, we'll never grow up to become fully devoted believers."

"Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

2008-10-16T20:51:00.000-04:00

It's time for healing time to move on.

It's time to fix what's been broken too long.

It's time to make right, what has been wronged.

It's time to find my way to where I belong.

There's a wave that's crashing over me,

And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever You're doing inside of me.

It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.

And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,

But I'm giving into something heavenly.

Time for a milestone.

Time to begin again.

Revaluate who I really am.

Am i doing everything to follow your will?

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

So show me what it is you want from me.

I give everything.

I surrender.

To whatever you're doing inside of me.

It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.

And though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see

I'm giving into something heavenly,

Something heavenly.

Time to face up.

Clean this old house.

Time to breathe in and let everything out.

What I wanted to say for so many years.

Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever You're doing inside of me.

It feels like chaos, but I believe.

You're up to something bigger than me,

Larger than life,

Something heavenly.

Whatever You're doing inside of me.

It feels lie chaos, but now I can see.

This is something bigger than me,

Larger than life.

Something heavenly, something heavenly

It's time to face up.

Clean this old house.

Time to breathe in and let everything out.

Pumpkin Season

2008-10-16T20:36:00.001-04:00

School in Fall

2008-10-16T20:25:00.000-04:00

Seeing Through Your Eyes

2008-10-15T09:41:00.001-04:00

Every day we see the world through our own eyes.
It’s hard to imagine what someone else’s life is like.
We get so wrapped up in our own world,
That we forget there are other things going on around us.

This person lost their job,
That person just got a promotion,
A baby is born,
Someone dies.

Whether we like it or not,
Life keeps going.
Things keep changing,
And time does not stop for anyone.

There are only so many opportunities
We have to make a difference.
So what would it take, for me
To see life through your eyes?