The last several months have pushed me to the brink of how much I think I can withstand and back again. At the end of March I was "let go" from my job for an action I didn't commit. It has been one let down after another in trying to find a new job, a way to pay the inevitable bills that four years of college brought me. I have a degree in English Literature and two teaching certifications, and yet I have been completely unsuccessful in procuring a teaching job over the last four years. I have been brought to the end of wanting to try. How long can someone try at something and not succeed before they give up? Well apparently I haven't been able to get the point til now. Changing careers is not fun.
Before my untimely end at my last job, I had felt God leading me to leave that workplace even though I didn't have anything lined up. I had been trying for months to get a different job, to find a different career, to no avail. Even though I knew I needed to leave my job, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time I contemplated it, I would have a near panic attack at knowing how much I would have to trust the Lord to bring me something. I also couldn't handle thinking about leaving the kids I had put so much love and time into, or leaving a co-worker who hated working there just as much as me. I knew how much my leaving would negatively effect the kids and my co-worker. My friends say I am loyal to a fault...this is true. I would rather be miserable and loyal (especially when it comes to anything involving kids) than leaving people in a bind or possibly hurting them. This was my problem at the J. So God took me out.
What a ride it's been. There has been intense anger/bitterness/frustration at where I am at in life. I have days where I literally want to fist fight God, where I have told Him to come down and fight me, because there is so much going on inside and I don't know how to get it out. But I am also grateful. Grateful He saved me from myself in that job. Grateful He has never left my side or turned away from me in my moments of ugliness when my anger comes out towards Him. Grateful He is powerful enough to handle my intensity. Patiently He's let me try to figure out how to deal with my emotions. Every time I want to run away, He follows behind waiting for me to turn back around to get comfort from Him.
Trust is hard, but thankfully He'll never leave me nor forsake me.
The silver lining in all this, I have the time to sit outside in the sun and actually get a tan. Lol! For those who know me, understand my pale self has a very hard time getting color and then keeping it.So yay for finally getting a tan.
"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15
